This is a Three Stooges songfic for "Criminal" by Britney Spears. It takes place during the episode "Cuckoo on a Choo Choo" (a present-day remake with the new stooges) where it all takes place on a runaway train car and Larry is the bad boy and Moe's the good cop with an edge. The question is...who's the baddest? You'll find out ;) (Some things in the story have been changed)
Right now, both Larry and Moe believe they're set to marry each others' loves: a beautiful brunette named Lenore and her older sister Roberta (well, it's one-sided for Moe because Shemp is Roberta's 'money-love'). Moe came to investigate the missing train car, but when he saw his long-lost friend Larry and long-lost love Roberta, all his other priorities were lost and he decided he'd do anything to win Roberta, even if it meant crossing the line with that drunken fool Shemp.
Meanwhile, Moe and Larry were making themselves look nice, as they'd both spent countless nights on the dirty train car. Aside from appearances, Moe was prepared to propose, a beautiful diamond ring in his pocket. Larry ran a comb through his hair carelessly and was happy for Moe.
"It's about time you came along, Moe. I think Roberta's taken a real liking to you. Now I can marry my sweetheart Lenore."
"No problem, kid," Moe replied with cheer, chuckling with joy. "I'm just so excited! I've been waiting a long time for my ol' Berta, I can't wait for her to say yes to my romantic proposal."
Larry randomly looked out the train car window. He remembered he and the sisters' conversation about getting Shemp's inheritance once they were all married. "Do you really think she'll say yes though?"
Moe came out of his happy trance and glared at him. "Whaddya mean, ya porcupine?" He proceeded to slap Larry.
"Well c'mon! You haven't seen her in a while, and Shemp's got money and it's the only reason she's been with him this long. She's been hoping he'll give in."
Moe was flabbergasted. "Are you saying my Roberta's a golddigger? Don't ever say such a thing!"
"You know it's true! You barely make a livin' being a measly detective, and that's not enough to support that girl!"
Moe couldn't admit it, but he was indeed defeated. His salary barely paid the bills and for the shabby apartment he lived in. He had to retaliate. "Well what about YOUR girl? She's Berta's little sister, ain't she? You think she might be carryin' the same gene?"
"Never!" Larry replied with an angry 'Brando' attitude. "Unlike Roberta, she only plans on using some of the money just to help us all live along!"
Moe waved him off. "Listen Larry, filthy rich or just filthy, that Shemp's a no-good, and once I propose to Berta, she'll forget ALL about him. Watch the master at work!" With that, he took the ring out of his pocket and shoved Larry out of the way.
As he walked into the room, he didn't even see Lenore and Shemp kissing as he walked up to his bride-to-be and went down on one knee and took her hand.
"Roberta, baby, my tunnel light, my dove...will you take me as your husband and marry me?"
Roberta was so upset from seeing her own sister kiss her one true love, she was barely paying attention.
"I-I guess I-"
"Ohh DARLING!" Moe ecstatically said as he hugged her and let go, thanking the heavens. "I just knew she'd say yes!"
Moe was in his own world a little too long, and Shemp crazily went over to Roberta and started kissing her. Needless to say, Moe turned around and felt his heart shatter. When Lenore came back for more sugar, Larry saw this and felt his heart slither away as well.
While Larry tried to stop the tears from falling down on his bad-boy parade, Moe confronted his love, tears falling.
"Why, Roberta? Why do you love that drunken fool? I would make you so much more happy!"
"Oh, beat it, has been!" Roberta told him. "You're the past, and Shemp's the future! Plus, he's a playboy making millions while you just play 'policeman' and bring home a dollar a day!"
Moe begged on his knees. "Please, Roberta, give me a chance! I'll go back to school and be a better man!"
Larry saw the man's begging ways and felt so much pity on him, wanting to cry even more.
"No, now go away and never talk to me again, you deadbeat!" With that, she kicked Moe in the stomach and walked back to Shemp, who was all over Lenore again.
As they did so, Larry came and whispered something into Moe's ear. They both nodded and they each grabbed an old spoiled cream pie sitting on the window sill. With that, they each got the attention of their former 'fiancees' and smashed pies into their faces, making them scream from the foul smell of the pies.
"Take that, ya two timer!" Larry said to Lenore.
"Yeah, ya three timer!" Moe said to a crying Roberta.
Then, they proceeded to walk over to Shemp, the cause of it all. Not surprisingly, that fool was just drinking from his moonshine jug again.
"Shempie~?" The two said in a sing-song voice.
"Whattie~?" Shemp said, then hiccuped.
With that, he turned around to the two smacking him, taking turn as his face got more red and bruised. Once he soon passed out and their job was done, Larry consoled Moe.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Moe wiped some of the tears off his face. "I-I'm sorry about yelling at ya, kid. You were right about that two-timin' chick. You know, I-I miss hangin' out with you before I was a detective and all-"
"Ah, don't mention it. Say, have you got a car?"
"Yeah, it's right outisde."
Larry unexpectedly took the keys from his friend's pocket and grinned. "I'm drivin', let's go."
Moe shrugged and smiled. "Okay then. Where are we goin'?"
Larry patted his friend on the back and smirked. "You'll see."
~Music begins~
A few weeks after the incident, Moe watches his 'partner' Larry scratch his greasy red hair as he drives the old car. Moe hadn't reported to work since then. Instead, he stayed and bonded with good ol' bad Larry, whom was cursing at other slow drivers and flipping them off.
"He is a hustler, he's no good at all
He is a loser, he's a bum, bum, bum, bum
He lies, he bluffs, he's unreliable
He is a sucker with a gun, gun, gun, gun"
Moe watches him and wonders what his mother would think of him now after telling her the secret.
A good cop like me hangin' out with a criminal? Sheesh, what was my mind thinkin'?
"I know you told me I should stay away
I know you said he's just a dog astray
He is a bad boy with a tainted heart
And even I know this ain't smart"
Larry parks the car in front of a liquor store. "Wait here and I'll show you how it's done."
As Moe watched Larry point the gun at the store clerk with his ferocious attitude, he felt this weird feeling, like butterflies in his stomach...the good kind.
I-I guess it wouldn't hurt to hang out with him some more..I haven't seen him in a while..
"But mama I'm in love with a criminal
And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical
Mama please don't cry, I will be alright
All reason aside I just can't deny, love the guy"
Larry returned to the car with a bag full of money, giving it to his companion as he drove off.
"I got him, Moe! He was easy!"
Moe looked through the bag, seeing all the money and feeling a bit ill.
"Larry, I-I don't know what I'm doing. I-I've been a cop for years. What we're doin'...i-it just doesn't feel right!"
"Ah c'mon, Moe! You wanted to hang out with me, didn't ya? It's just like when we used to play at the arcade when we were kids, only I've grown up a bit! That's all!"
Moe wiped some sweat from his brow. "What if we get caught? I-I can't go to jail, I'll never survive!"
Larry wrapped an arm around Moe's shoulder. "Ah, pipe down, Moe. Don't worry your little bowl-head, I've been doin' this for years and I haven't gotten caught yet! Stick with me, and you'll be 'fine'. Heh."
Moe chuckled at the pun indicating the man's last name. "Criminal or not, you'll always be a clown."
Soon, the two got back to Larry's hideout, where Larry had all his stolen goods. The place wasn't even on the map. Larry got out some blueprints and sat down on the bed, along with Moe.
"He is a villain by the devil's law
He is a killer just for fun, fun, fun, fun
That man's a snitch and unpredictable
He's got no conscience, he got none, none, none, none."
Larry was explaining the layout for pulling a bank robbery at the biggest bank in the country, having to kill quite a few civilians through the process so no one would get in their way. If successful, the two would be set for life. All intuitions set aside, Moe devilishly smiled and looked into Larry's eyes, stopping the man from speaking.
"Oh-ooooo I know-ooooo, should've let go, but no
'Cause he is a bad boy with a tainted heart
And even I know this ain't smart"
The two started to hungrily kiss, pushing all the plans and blueprints away and focusing on each other, getting more intimate by the minute. As things got hotter, Larry still kissed Moe while grinning and clapped his hands, turning the lights off.
"But mama I'm in love with a criminal
And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical
Mama please don't cry, I will be alright
All reason aside I just can't deny, love the guy"
It was the next day, and they both had their ski masks on, weapons in their suit pockets. Larry saw that his partner was visibly anxious and scared.
"You gonna be okay?"
Moe was a bit shaken. "Yeah, I-I've just never did a robbery this big before."
With that, Larry kissed him. "There's a smooch for luck. You'll be okay with me anyhow."
Moe felt a little more happy and sighed with relief.
"Plus, look at this!" Larry pulled up his long shirt sleeve and showed off his fresh new tattoo that said 'My heart belongs to Moe Howard' in gangster-style letters.
"It's amazing," Moe said, in complete shock. "When did you get that?"
"Earlier. I wanted it for good luck." He took his man's hand. "You ready?"
Moe gripped the other man's hand. "Yeah, I think so.."
They walked in the bank, hand-in-hand.
"And he's got my name
Tattooed on his arm
His lucky charm
So I guess it's OK
He's with me
And I hear people talk (people talk)
Try to make remarks
Keep us apart
But I don't even hear
I don't care"
The two nodded to each other and raised their guns, shooting at random spots and going up to the tellers and demanding money.
"GIVE US THE DOUGH OR YOU'RE TOAST!"
"'Cause mama I'm in love with a criminal
And this type of love isn't rational, it's physical
Mama please don't cry, I will be alright
All reason aside I just can't deny, love the guy
Those alive surrendered and took cover while Moe and Larry flipped through their new stacks of cash. They kissed with victory until they heard police sirens, and they made for a secret escape.
(Oh-ooooo I know-ooooo)
Mama I'm in love with a criminal
(Should've let go)
And this type of love isn't rational,
(But no)
It's physical
(Oh-ooooo I know-ooooo)
Mama please don't cry, I will be alright
(Should've let go)
All reason aside
(But no)
I just can't deny, love the guy"
Just as the cop cars arrived, 'Barney and Clyde' had disappeared in their car into the night. This time, Moe drove, feeling many amounts of adrenaline.
"Oh, Larry, that-that was so enthralling, so thrilling!"
Larry laid back in his car seat, grinning and nodding. "Ya see? I've taught you well."
Moe smiled and pinched Larry's cheek randomly. "Ya know somethin', Porcupine? I'm glad I stuck with you. Y-you've changed my life."
Larry blushed. "Ah, it was nothin', you made your own decision to come. I only helped a little."
"It wasn't nothin'!" Moe said and then bonked Larry on the nose. "I'm tellin' ya, my prior life was down in the dumps! I missed hangin' out with you when we were kids and teenagers, and I'm glad I found you!"
Larry smirked and dug something out of his pocket. "I guess this is the perfect time to do this then.." With that, he pulled a familiar ring out of his pocket. "Moe Howard...will you take me as your husband and marry me?"
Moe blushed and giggled. "Aww Larry I-wait a minute, is that the same ring I used to propose to that two-timer?"
"Of course it isn't, I got this myself and-" Larry saw Moe looked at him with disbelief and he sighed. "Yeah..."
Moe took the ring and threw it out the window. "Well I don't like it! I don't want any more memories of that dame! And if you're gonna propose to me, do it the right way, ya lunkhead!"
Larry looked around him. "I can't get down on one knee while we're in the car."
"Just wait 'til later on, kid. Cops are gonna be on our tail for a while now, and we need a new hideout! We're gonna be down-low and I don't think it's the right time for any kinda marriage."
Larry nodded with defeat. "I almost had ya as my bride too.."
Moe smiled and wrapped his arm around Larry. "I still love ya, Larry, whether we're married or not."
Larry kissed Moe on the cheek. "I love ya too, Moe."