Title: Crazy little thing called love.
Summary: James Potter has found the girl of his dreams, too bad she hates his guts. James' POV. Just one of James' wacky schemes to win the heart of the fair Lily Evans.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters © JKR
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead" © Tom Stoppard
A/n: I blame this entire thing on R&G and my best mate Moony. As more schemes come to mind more chapters'll be posted.

Whack!

…….

Whack!!

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Whack!!!

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Whack!!!!

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Whack!!!!!

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Whack!!!!!!

I had probably started to worry Remus. I had been hitting my head against this desk for a good half an hour now, ever since I had rushed back to the dorm only to find that the one person I really needed to speak with wasn't there. Damn him.

"James--" Remus began. I could tell he was concerned for my poor brain and its higher brain functions. He needn't have worried, I'm twelve, I have no higher brain functions. I held up my hand to silence him and continued bashing my head against the desk. About that time the door opened. That had better be Sirius…it was. He stood in the doorway looking thoroughly pleased with himself wearing his Quidditch sweater and a pair of holey jeans. He had, of course, been out on a date. With one of his girls. Which one, I'm not sure. There was Susan, Claire, Veronica, Amy, Katherine, the other Amy, Elizabeth, Breanna, Emma, Kelly, Laura….who am I kidding, there were too many to count. How he kept track of them all I'll never know. He stripped off his Quidditch sweater and tossed it upon his bed before he even realized the desk & I were at war.

"What did you do?" he asked. He knew that my head & the desk connecting meant trouble. Stupid prat, it's his fault I was bashing my brains out. If he had been here when his best mate needed him, instead of out on a date with some bird he was going to dump in less than a week then I wouldn't have a headache. The nerve of him, honestly.

"He asked Lily Evans out." Remus supplied for me. Thanks Remus, just because I have a nasty head injury that's entirely Sirius' fault doesn't mean I can't answer for myself.

"You did WHAT?!?!" Sirius barked. He crossed the room in three strides and flopped down on his bed, staring at me upside down.

"I asked Lily out." I couldn't help it. She was gorgeous. Sirius wasn't there to be my wingman and tell me that blurting out a declaration of love was a bad idea. So, it's her fault for being beautiful, and his fault for being gone. See, I bear no responsibility for the act.

"I swear. I leave you alone for an hour and everything goes to pot." Sirius muttered. "So, how'd she take it?"

Hmm, how to tell him that the girl of my dreams laughed in my face and he wasn't there to witness it?

"She….um….uh…well, she…"

"She laughed at him. To his face. It was hilarious!" Peter said. Bloody traitor. Sirius gave a snort of laughter that was quickly masked by a cough. Git. I hope he chokes on his own spit. Remus was having a hard time controlling his laughter. He was hiding his face with a book, but I could hear him chuckling. Stop laughing Remus, or I'll take that book and beat you with it. Honestly, with friends like these who needs enemies?

"Why'd you do it?" Sirius asked. I dunno Siri, maybe because I am in love with her. Oh my gosh! Profess your undying love to the girl you're crazy about; what a novel idea…. You know, sometimes I'm too sarcastic for my own good.

'Because he is in love with her you idjit!" Remus said. Stop saying things for me Remus. I'm perfectly capable of forming sentences on my own damnit!"

What's an idjit? Peter mouthed to me. Like I had any idea. Remus used too many odd words for me to remember what each of them means. I shrugged in reply.

"That's not a good reason!" Sirius exclaimed. Uh-oh, do I want to know where he's going with this?

"Of course it is Sirius. It's the best reason." Remus countered. Ah Remmie, always the hopeless romantic.

"Sure it's a wonderful reason to be with someone, but you're never supposed to tell the girl that you might actually love her. Because then when she breaks your heart, and she will, you have nothing to tell yourself to make it hurt less. If you never tell her you love her then you can always fool yourself into thinking that you didn't." Wow, someone's a tad bit cynical.

"Sirius, you're a cynical old bat, you know that, right?" Remus said. Sirius just grinned. Okay, could we get off of the subject of Sirius' bat-status and focus on my problem please?!?!

"Yeah, but back to Jamesie-James' problem." Sirius replied. Good job with the mind reading there mate. I shouldn't have been surprised that Sirius picked it up, we share a brain. All four of us. Scary, innit?

"Yeah, what're you gonna do about it James?" Peter asked. Well Pete, for starters, I'm going to smother Sirius with his pillow while he's sleeping, then I'm going to beat Remus to death with his book, then I'm going to strangle you with my shoelace, and finally I'm going to forget you all exist and settle down and raise twelve kids with the woman of my dreams….well, maybe not that last part, but the other parts for sure.

"I'm not sure." I replied. What? It was easier than saying that whole spiel.

"You should disappear for awhile." Peter said. Gee, how helpful Peter…not!

"You should pretend it didn't happen, and hope she does the same." Remus said looking up at me from behind his book.

"You should let one of us go talk to her and smooth it over." Sirius added.

You guys win the award for most un-helpful advice givers….ever. I mean really guys?

"Sirius, if I let one of you goons talk to her I'll be in an even worse situation than I was before!" I exclaimed. Honestly, let them handle it?! They can't even handle their own problems! None of them have ever been in love, Remus with his standoffishness, Peter with his…well, Peter-ness and Sirius with his cynical old bat approach to things. It's a wonder any girls are attracted to them. That's right, they all had girls fawning after them, even Peter. Scary, innit? It's because we're the Marauders and we're just spiffy like that. No, I'm not full of myself, no matter what the love of my life and future mother of my children might say. She's just playing hard to get when she says things like that….isn't she?

"So, I'm going to take Remus' advice and pretend it didn't happen." Yes, avoiding the problem always makes it go away.

Oh shut up you.

Wait a tick, did I just tell myself to shut up? Man, I need a life!

"That's going to be pretty hard if the entire Great Hall saw her laugh in your face; which by the way, I'm sorry I missed that." Jeez, and this bloke was supposed to me my best friend. He's just soooo loyal, innit he? Imbeciles, the lot of 'em. But they're my best friends, and I'm stuck with them, because let's face it, I've spent the better part of two years training these three and it just takes too long to train one new best friend, let alone three.

That doesn't mean I can't think about strangling them. In fact, it means I do that a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT!!! Especially Sirius. I swear, sometimes his brain & mouth don't communicate. We never know what he's going to say.

"Moose!" Sirius exclaimed sitting up. See what I mean?

"What?" Peter asked.

"I was just thinking about moose. The plural form of goose is geese, so why isn't the plural form of moose meese? Is it mooses, or maybe moosi…. It's maddening, innit?" he sighed dramatically laying back down. I swear, his mind is so odd. I wouldn't want to know what goes on in there.

"Sirius, the plural form of moose is moose." Remus admonished. Oh look at me, look at me I'm Remus and I'm so smart. Well, plllbbbtttt on him.

"I know that Remus. But I was just wondering why it wasn't meese, or mooses or moosi." Sirius replied as if speaking to a small child. This conversation was all well and good, but we still hadn't finished speaking about my dilemma!

"I think we were still talking about James' problem." Peter said changing the topic back before Remus and Sirius murdered each other over moose. Or was it moosi? Damnit, now I was doing it too! ARGH!!!!!

"Let's face it Jamesie-James, the fact that you professed your undying love to her is going to haunt you until your death…." Sirius said. He paused. Oh Lord, here he goes off on another tangent. "Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a box with a lid on it?" he asked. I didn't know what to say to that, apparently neither did Peter because he too stayed silent. Remus was the only one to say anything.

"No." he said.

"Nor do I, really….It's silly to be depressed by it, one thinks of it like being alive in a box, one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead…which should make all the difference….shouldn't it? It would be just like being asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air--you'd wake up dead, for a start, and then where would you be? Apart from inside a box. That's the bit I don't like, frankly. That's why I don' think of it." Peter looked at me questioningly. I gave him a look that plainly told him to humor Sirius. Once Siri got this rant out of his system he'd be fine for a few hours and we could get back to my problem, because it's the most important problem.

"Because you'd be helpless, wouldn't you? Stuffed in a box like that, I mean you'd be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead, really….ask yourself, if I asked you straight off---I'm going to stuff you in this box now, would you rather be alive or dead? Naturally, you'd prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could like there thinking--well, at least I'm not dead! In a minute someone's going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out." he pounded his fist onto the mattress twice, like a knock. "Hey you, whatsyername! Come out of there!" he finished dramatically flopping back down onto the bed.

"I wouldn't think about it, if I were you. You'd only get depressed." Remus told him. Sirius nodded. (1)

"But back to my problem." I suggested, I love my friends and everything, but their inane chatter was helping me none.

"Right!" Sirius said sitting up again. "Idea, you go back to your patented creeper mode and stalk her from afar and we'll" he motioned to Peter, Remus, and himself, "run interference with everyone else." He finished with a smile. *facepalm* Really Sirius? Really? That's you're plan? Why am I friends with you again?

"How are we supposed to 'run interference' between James and the ENTIRE SCHOOL?" Remus asked in his 'Merlin, you're an idiot' voice. Sirius' smile widened, he looked like the Cheshire cat, it was entirely unnerving.

"Glad you asked Remmie. I can't give you all the specifics yet, the walls have ears you know; I can however tell you that it's blood brilliant and has something to do with streaking and juggling geese." Oh this was going to end badly.

1. "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead" quote. Owned by Tom Stoppard. Excellent movie, excellent play. Go rent it now! It's got Gary Oldman in it, and he's ADORABLE! My Sirius is heavily based on his performance in that movie, while my Remus is based on Guildenstern. (And they're also based on Mal & Wash from the Firefly episode "War Stories" cause I'm a geek like that.) =)