She was happy. She was. The smile on her face maybe fake but she truly was. For them, she was happy.
Or that's what she told herself.
Forcing herself to believe something that she knew deep down caused her pain. Not physical or even mental. It was something in her heart. Like it had been ripped apart, torn into too many little pieces that would never be able to be stitch back together, no matter how much cotton or time she had. She knew nothing would fix that feeling she had deep down, so the best way to cope with pain, in her mind, was to bury it deep and ignore it. Never to have the light shone on it again.
The fake smile hurt her cheeks but she continued on, not letting the pain get to her. She was sure Natasha noticed, the redhead just knew her. Natasha could read her like a book, which no-one else could. It explained one of the reason's why Nat was her best friend.
Maria took a deep breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth as she watched on. Natasha came up behind her and leant onto the bar, facing the group.
"Here," Natasha said, handing Maria the glass of scotch she had poured for herself but knew the ex-deputy director needed it more. Maria took it without thinking, downing the drink like it was water. The burning sensation numbing her aching heart. Natasha grabbed the bottle and poured Maria another drink before taking a glass from the shelf for herself. The amber liquid swirled to rest at the bottom of the glass. Maria took a sip of the finest scotch Stark had before looking down at the table, the fake smile disappearing from her face. She drew herself in, her emotions locked up in a cage with the key thrown away.
The couple stood happy in front of the group, his arm around her waist like the gentleman he always was.
She tried to remember how it had come to this. How it was her fault she had pushed him away from her and into someone else's arms. It was her- no it wasn't her fault, Maria snapped at herself.
Steve's choice.
She's happy for him. That he had finally found someone. The nurse. Natasha said she was nice, how she had mentioned Sharon to Steve. Maria didn't blame Natasha, it wasn't her fault. The redhead was just trying to find Steve someone. She wished that someone had been her, but she was too messed up for someone like Steve.
He was a soldier, Captain America for god's sake. He deserves someone good, someone like Sharon.
"Look Maria-" Natasha began but Maria held up a hand to stop her. She took another sip of her scotch before deciding to down the rest of it. She then pushed up from the bar and moved to grab her leather jacket from the coat rack.
Her actions paused when she saw Steve's coat. The brown leather jacket. It hung right next to her black one. The memory of being on the balcony with him, how his hands had paused on her shoulders. They came rushing back like a wave rushing across the dry sand. It felt like a punch in the stomach, winding her and causing her breath to catch.
She shock her head slightly before grabbing her coat and roughly pulling it on. She checked her phone was in her jeans pocket before walking towards the elevator. Jarvis had it there, waiting for her, the doors opening silently to not get anyone's attention. Maria slipped out of the party without anyone noticing, except for Natasha who sighed and then downed her drink as the elevator doors shut.
Maria decided to walk home that night, the cool summer breeze weaving in between the skyscrapers to blow back her fringe and push back the tear that fell down her cheek. She sucked in a deep breath, the smell of alcohol strong in the air from the corner bar.
She pulled herself away from the thought of getting drunk and taking some random guy home with her for the night. The thought of waking up with some stranger in her bed didn't really pull her in. So she pushed on, walking another block without thinking about him.
However he managed to force his way into her mind as a stag do came rolling by, the man of the hour dressed as Captain America. She paused at the traffic lights, watching the men on the other side of the street laugh and chant as they went into the next bar, the night still young for them.
The little man flickered to green and Maria cross the road silently, a few other people walking with her. They split and Maria took the shortcut through the alley. She came out to her street and walked across the road, no cars driving down at this time of night, the dark sky having drawn people in for sleep.
She made her way to her building, pulling herself up the five steps to the doors. She sighed as she entered the code. The door clicked with a buzz and she stepped inside, the door shutting behind her.
She pressed her back against the cool glass, her mind racing with thoughts. Thoughts she wished wouldn't come to her.
She was happy for them. Of course she was. Steve had found someone he liked, possible loved and she was happy for him.
Did he love Sharon? Possibly, why wouldn't he?
She ran a hand through her lose hair before pushing off the door and heading for the stairs to face the challenge of climbing six flights to her apartment, while tipsy.
She remembered doing this drunk one night with Natasha, both of them laughing as the stairs moved. It was a good night, Clint had followed them up, slightly tipsy but making sure that Maria or Nat didn't fall backwards. The elevator had broken since she had moved in and had never been fixed. She didn't mind, she enjoyed the exercise... Maybe not when she was drunk though.
She managed to get there, unlock and then lock her door before she fell face first onto her bed, too tired to change. She kicked off her shoes and socks, pulling her jacket off before rolling to pull the covers over herself.
Half an hour later Maria angrily threw the covers back and made her way to the kitchen, the bottle of wine calling her name from the wine stand. She sat down on her sofa, staring at the blank TV while she drank.
The familiar sound of her phone buzzing in her pocket pulled her away from her thoughts.
Steve.
It was his ringtone after all, "america fuck yeah" sang loudly into the apartment. She hated the fact that Stark had given everyone a personally ringtone on her phone, yet she was busy to change them. Maybe too lazy.
"What do you want?" Maria answered, coming off a little too annoyed, which she was but didn't want him to know. She took a deep breath before taking a gulp of wine.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" Steve asked, concern laced in his voice.
"No, I was watching TV," Maria easily lied.
"Well, I called to see if you got home safe. I didn't see you leave," Steve said.
"I didn't want to draw attention," Maria said. "Congratulations by the way," Maria said, trying to change the subject away from her. Steve smiled.
"It's early days still but we decided to tell everyone we were going out," Steve told her.
"I'm happy for you Rogers," Maria said, using his last name to put the professional barrier between them.
"Really?" Steve asked, sounding too surprised at her words. She frowned, even more questions coming to mind. Why was he surprised? Did he think she was going to be upset about it?
"Yeah. I'm glad you've found someone," Maria said even though the wine told her she wasn't. "I'm going to go get some sleep, see you soon," Maria said and hung up the phone before he could even say bye. She took another gulp, hugging the wine bottle, keeping it close to her chest. She wasn't a heavy drinker, only drinking when out with Nat and Clint or when she needed it. And right now, she needed it.
Her experience with alcohol was a bumpy one. The last time she had got drunk was three months ago. Her past with her father always forcing her away from any heavy drinking, yet tonight the alcohol soothed her emotions.
She was happy for them, honestly.
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