Meet (male, pre-set, renegade) Commander Shepard: brash, womanizing and domineering in all his bullet-firing, reporter-punching, gap-leaping glory. Discover how he alienates alien allies, eagerly inflates his own ego, loses the respect of respectable persons, and – despite all this – saves the galaxy. Explore the revealing points of view of those who must serve under him, and the quandaries that arise when many worlds collide within the halls of the Normandy.
Enjoy, and any and all reviews are welcome!
Ch 1: Critical Mission Failure
Shepard grinned into the mirror, showing off his pearly whites and his stubbled jaw. He was far from baby-faced – but it was his experience and Cerberus scars that made him the suave man he was today. Even the reddish glow about his eyes was arousing. It was like they were staring deep, strangely, far into your Alliance uniform and doing something explosive with your genitals. According to an eyewitness (Kaiden Alenko), Kelly Chambers was wrought with wild orgasms shortly after Shepard had glanced her way. She was off work feeding fish for a week.
He was getting ready for his big date tonight – a tour of the engine room and with any luck a tour of Liara's private quarters. She was a beautiful young asari, plagued by social awkwardness. Instead of saying, "I'm horny", she'd say "I'm hungry". Instead of getting naked in the morning and wandering the ship, she'd dress in the morning and go talk to Garrus about scars and calibrations and whatever he could afford on a vigilante's salary. Worst of all – she wanted to talk. Despite being an effective wooer, Commander Shepard couldn't help but feel a little challenged by her vocabulary. Big words like "no", for example.
Despite his roguish appeal, Shepard felt some things needed to be changed. He needed more girls on his lap every day. He needed bigger guns to match his... attitude. His tight Alliance casual – it didn't leave much to the imagination. His bulging eyes stared blankly down at his erect nipples. Maybe it was just cold. It sure was cold in space. He wouldn't mind having the heat turned up, just a little bit.
"EDI," whined Shepard, "turn up the heat! I'm cold and horny and it's freezing in here!"
"Yes, Commander Shepard," hummed the smooth AI voice throughout the room. Shepard was childishly convinced that EDI's only purpose was to verbally satisfy horny space men in space. He'd be right, too, were it not for Traynor. Goddamn Traynor, pondered Shepard with a vengeance. She's so lesbian that she'd have sex with another woman.
"...heat on, Commander." Commander Shepard let out a sigh of relief.
Twenty minutes later, and it was still freezing cold. Nothing had changed.
"EDI..."
"I'm right here." The door opened and then slid shut. Standing there was a fresh, white bathrobe – hung around something most appealing. It was a female figure. She was the definition of hourglass; her waist was thin and still while her hips swayed slightly and her chest stayed level. Shepard could only stare. Still, despite its appealing curves and smooth lines, it was strangely chromed and had a shiny, metal bob cut. Sure, Shepard had seen a girl without actual hair on her head before, but asari and space bikers were a different matter entirely.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?"
The figure stood strangely. "I am EDI."
"I know... I recognized your voice from somewhere," began Shepard, thinking to StarCraft and Cylons, and thus missing the forest for the trees. Still, EDI stayed to course.
"As I am the ship's active AI and co-pilot aboard this vessel, it is possible that you heard – "
"Oh!" laughed Shepard in mock interest. "So that's where I know you from! Well, it's cold in here and you're here too so... oh, come on, am I the only one with hard nipples?" He looked down again at his erect nipples with bulging eyes, his protruding lips and hardening jaw clenching together in disappointment.
"My mammaries are purely synthetic, Shepard, and not representative of true human biology. Some of my various other body parts are certainly put in place to mimic the female body, but any other instances are purely coincidental."
Shepard was already naked and sitting down on his bed, pulling off a sock. He gave a comical wink and chuckled his cutest chuckle, patting on the bedside space next to him. "Have a seat, EDI."
EDI nodded and sat down. Shepard had to admit, he liked the way she sat. He'd have to use his Shepard charm to get her robe off.
"Hello, Garrus!"
The faithful turian looked up – faithful, that was, to his post. Liara was walking towards him from the other side of the hallway. He smiled, accentuating his scar. "Fancy seeing you here," began Liara. "How is that scar we always talk about?"
Garrus shrugged. "I've been putting on some weird cream between calibrations, but it's not working. Best I can afford on a vigilante's salary, I suppose."
She smiled, and caressed the scarless side of Garrus' face. "You look none the worse for wear." He blushed and turned away slightly. Garrus wasn't sure what he was feeling, but it was almost like he had feelings for "Shepard's squeeze". No, thought Garrus, How could I ever call someone as independent as Liara anyone's squeeze – let alone Shepard's? Damn Commander Shepard, with all his stupid antics and horrible manners. He could go to hell for all he cared.
"I have to get going," he began with an uncomfortable smile. "We can talk later."
"Oh – right!" Liara smiled back, and continued on her way down the hallway. "Bye, Garrus!"
Wherever she was headed, Garrus hoped it wasn't to Shepard's room. He didn't want to know what sort of odd happenings went on in there. As much as Liara was a close friend, he didn't want to get involved. Besides, there were things to do today – on the computer.
Twenty minutes later, and the robe was still on.
"So you are commanding me, Commander Shepard," EDI conversed, straight-faced, "to relieve you of most excruciating ecstasy by 'playing with your pole'."
"Yeah, EDI," begged Shepard. "Play with my pole and I'll push your buttons."
"Well, Commander," EDI stated blandly, "I would hardly describe playing with another's 'pole' as a reasonable way to relieve ecstasy. I feel the requirements are highly daunting and complex. You are implying that my hand would, of course, have to grasp your phallus and traverse it. Despite my duty co-piloting with Jeff Moreau, I have yet to have to use any physical attachments to operate the ship – perhaps due to the constraints of my AI and thus an inability to feel pleasure. Much like the ship, (as I am an AI within the Normandy and through this body) there are no buttons to be pressed. Simply connect with the interface through voice and I will respond."
Like a customer service representative for omni-gel, EDI was as unrelentingly boring as an elcor choir. "I've had enough of your disingenuous assertions," Shepard smiled as he gestured to the ground. "Now get on your knees."
EDI stared down at him, unmoving.
"What's wrong?" Shepard smiled suavely. "Not along with my dong?"
"I am not capable of liking or disliking an instance," stated EDI. "I simply wish to state that I'm not impressed by your – manhood, or the actions it commands you, Commander Shepard, to do."
"Well then, what about the cold?" snapped Shepard. "It's freezing in here!"
"Highly unlikely, Commander. Within the Normandy are many safe-guards to keep room temperature throughout. Were you to actually feel cold from space, 'outside' as you might put it, you would not be here to complain about it. However, your nudity may have some effect on how you react to the – cold."
Shepard cocked his head.
"I apologize Commander." EDI was staring at him now, disinterest wrought across her face. "I had wrongly expected that my mere presence would 'turn up the heat' and satisfy your acute horniness – all in one. If you feel this is inadequate, I can remove my robe in a slow and sensual manner."
Shepard opened his mouth to speak, but EDI already had an answer. "That was a joke." She looked away.
What excruciating ecstasy he had left was now on shore leave. She was obviously the vanquisher of all things horny. He'd have to take EDI's port by storm. And with his two hands, he grabbed EDI's synthetic breasts and giggled.
Shepard didn't see Liara walk in shyly at the same moment. "Shepard, I... oh, Goddess!" The back of her hand went to her forehead.
He would have to act fast. "Uhh... No?"
The reverse psychology didn't work. She was already running out of the room, sobbing. The sight of Liara in tears invoked no sympathy in Shepard, but even he realized that this was the last straw. No more happiness, no more laughter, no more anything at Liara's expense. He'd need to find a new bitch – quite easy, considering the sexiest robot on the ship was standing right in front of him.
Getting up, Shepard cocked his neck. He really did have his work cut out for him. His palm smacked EDI's face faster than a kinetic round. "Welcome to the crew, EDI!"
Somewhere in her body, servos were reacting and spinning. The sound of whirring gears faintly buzzed as EDI's self-preservation mechanism kicked in. Her leg launched upwards, at speeds rivaling an FTL drive. In one foul kick, her toe drove into Shepard with the force of a krogan and Shepard smarted smarter than a salarian. He was too late.
He fell to the ground, grabbing his crotch, as the damning music began to play. He hadn't heard it since Eden Prime, when he first began.
Critical mission failure.