By Reason of Mental Disease or Defect

Author's note: I do not own any Law and Order Criminal Intent characters, nor do I own any characters from Law and Order who might show up. Dick Wolf, of course, owns them and has done quite well by them.

I do own the other characters in this story: Annie, the children, Grandpa, and various other people (named and unnamed). They inhabit my imagination where they live out their lives trying to fit into the LOCI universe. This story goes back into the past and plays the "what if" game. What if Bobby was married and had a family? So here is a warning: There will be some necessary changes to canon in order to fit Annie and the kids into Bobby's life, creating a parallel LOCI universe. If you are not OK with that, you won't like this story (or any future installments) and I completely understand if you pass.

One more thing. While there is a crime in this story, it is not a "who dunnit". I'm not clever enough to figure out most "who dunnits", much less write one. I'm into writing about relationships. Again, I understand if you are looking for a good crime story and want to pass on this one.

So, here we go. I am brand new at this and will appreciate any and all comments, corrections, and suggestions. This story takes place during Season 1, shortly after the events of The Third Horseman.

Chapter 1

Tuesday June 26, 2001

Annie Paine opened her eyes and stretched out in the bed. It was the last week of June and the early morning sun was streaming across the foot of the bed. She could smell the aroma of breakfast drifting up the stairs from the kitchen. Her right hand reached out to Bobby's side of the bed. It was empty, of course. No surprise there, as he often stayed up long after she went to bed at night and was up before she awoke. Usually he would go to bed when she did, but after she drifted off to sleep Bobby would get up and go down to his office in the basement. While Annie and the children slept, he would spend hours reading or researching case studies for his job as a detective with the Major Case Squad of the NYPD. Detective Robert O. Goren. As always, even the thought of his name made her smile.

Annie did not understand how he could function on so little sleep, and often told him that it was unhealthy. But he insisted he was fine. He said, "My brain just won't shut off. There's so much to do." It was a conversation that they seemed to have out of habit now, rather than any conviction on Annie's part that she might actually change her husband. Not that she wanted to change him. She loved his every quirk. It was just hard for her to understand this particular one, because Annie loved to sleep. If she got less than eight hours of sleep, she was out of sorts all the next day. On her days off she routinely took a 2 or 3 hour nap, if the children cooperated that is. As much as she did not understand Bobby's sleeplessness, he did not understand her craving for so much sleep. It was one of the things that caused them to look at each other with amusement and wonder.

Along with the smells of eggs, turkey bacon, and toast cooking came the sounds of her children talking and laughing and the clink of dishes being set on the table. She heard Bobby's low voice and then peals of laughter from the children. He loved making them laugh, and he was very good at it. They thought their father was not only the smartest man in the whole world, but the funniest as well. Annie was inclined to agree with them. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the smells and sounds of her family at breakfast.

She was grateful that she could enjoy it. A month ago, the smells would have sent her rushing to the bathroom to throw up. She was in her fifth month of pregnancy and it was her favorite month of the entire nine months. The morning sickness had passed and the indigestion of late pregnancy would not begin for some time, the baby was no longer pressing on her bladder and would not do so again for about another 3 months, she enjoyed the feel the baby moving around but would not experience the sharp jabs until the baby was much bigger, her stomach was growing and round but she would not become uncomfortably big and clumsy until well into her eighth month. The discomforts of the first trimester were just a memory and the discomforts of the third trimester seemed a long way off.

As Annie lay there with her eyes closed, her mind drifted back over the last few months. She was less than happy when she discovered she was pregnant again. She hadn't had her first child until she was thirty-one. Annie was thirty-nine and would turn forty soon after this one was due. They had three children and did not plan on another one. Their daughter was eight and the twins were almost five. She was looking forward to the boys starting school in the fall almost as much as they were. She had thoroughly loved all three of her children as babies: the smell of them after a bath, nursing them, the 2 AM feedings. But now she was done with all that and the realization that she was pregnant again had left her reeling.

She remembered how angry she had been at Bobby and how she had railed at him that this was all his fault. She knew it wasn't true, but couldn't help blaming him anyway. Everything about this pregnancy was more difficult than her first two. The morning sickness was much more severe (to the point that her doctor almost hospitalized her), and lasted longer. Her mood swings left her crying one minute and yelling angry recriminations at Bobby the next.

Through it all, Bobby was so sweet that she couldn't think of those months without feeling guilt for what she had put him through. He calmly let her rage about his failure to get a vasectomy and prevent this from happening to her. He never once reminded her that it was something the two of them had discussed several times since the twins' birth, but had not come to a decision as to whether they wanted another child. When her mood went from anger to extreme self-pity and she would curl up on the bed sobbing, Bobby gently took her in his arms and rocked her until she fell asleep. He had gone to the doctor and scheduled a vasectomy, which was done nearly eight weeks ago. Meanwhile he also shouldered the majority of the childcare; getting Ally ready for school and the twins ready for preschool every morning and dropping them off, picking them up from the babysitter in the evening, preparing dinner, getting them ready for bed, reading to them, explaining that Mommy didn't feel good and that's why she spent so much time sleeping. All of which made Annie feel even more guilty.

She continued working as an Emergency Room nurse throughout all of this, taking only a few days off when the morning sickness was at its worst. But she stopped most of her church activities. When she wasn't working or spending time with the kids, she was sleeping. Often she wished she could just sleep through the entire first four months.

Once she moved into her second trimester, the morning sickness eased and then stopped, the mood swings evened out, and "sanity" returned. They would be married ten years in November, and in that time they had rarely argued. They certainly never had yelling matches or said unkind things to one another. Annie's face burned with shame whenever she remembered the cruel, ugly things she said to her husband. She had apologized many times. But Bobby always stopped her and told her she had nothing to apologize for. Life returned to something resembling normal.

The children were quieter now, probably busy eating. Annie heard Bobby's footsteps coming up the stairs. He opened the door and came in carrying a tray with Annie's breakfast. Breakfast in bed, and on a weekday—what a luxury!

"Good morning, Sleepyhead. Are you planning on spending your entire day off in bed?"

Annie giggled and said, "I had considered it. Especially since my very considerate husband went to the trouble of getting the kids dressed, feeding them breakfast, and…..umm…..taking them to the babysitter?" She finished with a question. Bobby laughed and set the tray on the table next to Annie's side of the bed.

He said, "Would this be the same considerate husband who takes the kids to the babysitter every day that you work? Because it seems a little unfair that he should have to take them on a day when you are just lying around doing nothing."

"Well, that's true. But that's what makes it so considerate, don't you think?"

Annie smiled up at him, seductively, she hoped. He chuckled and stretched out on the bed next to her. He pulled the covers down, put his face close to her belly, and said, "Good morning, Jezebel." Now it was Annie's turn to laugh. "I keep telling you that her name is Ruth."

This had been an ongoing joke since the ultrasound had shown they were having another girl. Their daughter's name was Ally, short for Alexandra--named for Annie's mother. Annie found it amusing when, a little over a year ago, Bobby introduced her to his new partner—Alexandra Eames. By the time she became pregnant with the twins, Annie had become very involved with her church and with studying the Bible. She wanted Biblical names for the twins and settled on Phillip and Andrew—two disciples of Christ. She explained that whenever Andrew appeared in the Gospels, he was bringing someone to Jesus, and Phillip was a great evangelist. Bobby was amused at her reasoning and agreed to the names.

He didn't really understand her faith, and considered himself an agnostic. Annie suspected he really did believe in God, but it was difficult for him reconcile this God of love that Annie talked about with the brutality and cruelty that he encountered in his job. Annie saw much of the same brutality and cruelty in the emergency room, but her faith never wavered; rather, it deepened with time. Bobby accepted her faith and often they engaged in theological debates since he was raised in the Catholic Church (he called himself a "lapsed altar boy") and knew the Bible quite well. On the rare occasions that he accompanied her to church, he was friendly to the other members. He seemed to almost envy people of faith.

Once her first trimester passed and Annie began to first accept, and then actually look forward to, another baby, she and Bobby began talking about names. Annie wanted another name from the Bible and was lobbying for Ruth. It was her favorite book and story of the Bible. Bobby, however, was less than thrilled with the name, and told her that if they were going to name this baby after someone in the Bible, he wanted Jezebel or Delilah. He actually had some serious choices for names, such as Theresa and Michelle. But he began teasing Annie by calling the baby Jezebel at every opportunity. Ally and the twins picked up on the game and also talked about their baby sister, Jezebel. Annie told Bobby that if he didn't stop, he would traumatize the baby and she would never adjust to whatever name they actually agreed on. She tried to keep a straight face and sound stern when she said this, but Bobby's laughter had always been contagious and she would invariably begin laughing with him.

Annie sat up in the bed and Bobby set the tray on her lap. He had brought her scrambled eggs, soy bacon, toast, and watermelon. She smiled when she saw the watermelon. It was the first craving she'd had, once she could actually keep food down, and Bobby made sure that it was always in the house. He sat with her for a few minutes before going back down to the kitchen to eat his breakfast. Leaving the twins alone with food always ran the risk of coming back to find them in the middle of a full-scale food fight. When she finished eating, she took the tray downstairs. The kids were clearing the table and Bobby was putting dishes in the dishwasher. Annie helped him finish cleaning up while Ally turned "Sesame Street" on for the twins. Now that she was eight, Ally said she was too old for "baby shows", but Annie knew that she secretly still loved the show and always watched it with Phillip and Andrew.

As Annie was standing at the sink rinsing a dish, Bobby came up and put his arms around her. She leaned her head back on his chest and closed her eyes. He asked, "Still want me to take the kids to the babysitter?" "No, I was kidding. I'm going to take them to the park this morning and drop them off on my way to the church. But would you pick them up after work? I'm meeting Alex at the gym."

It was only recently that they had resumed the once a week gym dates that had become a routine several months after Alex and Bobby became partners. Annie always insisted on meeting and socializing with Bobby's partners since he joined the NYPD. She told him that she wanted the person who might one day have to save his life to always remember that he had a family to come home to. She and Alex didn't have a lot in common and would probably have never become best friends under other circumstances. But they liked each other very much and found the gym to be a shared interest, so it became a habit to get together once a week. These days, however, she left the rock wall climbing to Alex and spent most of her time on the treadmill. After they finished and showered, they usually went out to eat where they would chat and catch up. Annie made a commitment even before their wedding never to complain about Bobby or their marriage to anyone, even in jest. Her friends at the hospital thought this was hilarious since they loved to joke about the many shortcomings of men in general and husbands in particular. But she kept her word, even after nearly ten years of marriage. With Alex she was especially careful not to confide too much personal information about Bobby and their marriage. She knew that Alex's partnership with Bobby was a much more important relationship than her friendship with Annie and she didn't want to divulge any private information that might interfere. They would talk about their jobs, Bobby and Annie's kids, Alex's brother's children, and Alex also confided about her sister's unsuccessful attempts to have a baby.

Things had been a bit strained between Alex and Annie lately. Bobby and Alex had recently worked on a case involving the murder of an abortion doctor. The case stirred up Alex's strong feelings about abortion. While she had known for a long time that Annie had a different viewpoint, they agreed to disagree and left the subject alone. But dealing with the fanatics who believed murdering abortion doctors was justifiable caused Alex to wonder once again how someone like Annie, intelligent and educated, could be opposed to a woman's right to choose. The pregnancy made Annie more emotional and less tolerant of her friend's opinions. Annie was opposed to killing of any kind, including the death penalty. Although she was appalled that anyone claiming to be "pro-life" would kill another human being, it didn't change how she felt about abortion itself. They exchanged some sharp comments before agreeing to not discuss it anymore. Annie was glad that Alex agreed to resume going to the gym with her as she missed talking to her. Last week was a little uncomfortable in the beginning as neither was sure what to say. But by the time they stopped for dinner afterwards, they were joking and laughing. Annie always enjoyed Alex's dry sense of humor and sarcasm.

Bobby told her he would pick the kids up and take them out for dinner. He kissed the top of her head, gave her a squeeze, and went upstairs to finish getting ready for work. Annie finished up in the kitchen and joined the children on the couch, then realized that she should take advantage of her rambunctious boys' rare moment of quiet and rapt attention to Oscar the Grouch to take her shower and get dressed.

As she headed up the stairs, Bobby was coming down. The sight of him in his suit caused her heart to speed up and set off butterflies in her stomach (which she was reasonably sure was not just the baby moving around), It amazed her that after ten years, simply looking at her handsome husband still took her breath away. Last night was the first time they had made love in almost four months, and the memory of it caused her to blush and smile. Bobby saw her blush and chuckled. Annie had suspected for years that he had the ability to read her mind because he always seemed to know what she was thinking. He met her on the landing and leaned down; at 5' 5", she only came to shoulder-height on his 6' 4" frame. She kissed him and told him, "I'll see you later, Babe." She continued on upstairs while Bobby went to tell the kids goodbye.

This would be her first day back volunteering at her church's soup kitchen. The smells of the food cooking, as well as the smell of some of the homeless people who came for meals, had proven too much for Annie's morning sickness. After the third day in a row that she ran from the dining room to throw up in the bathroom, causing a commotion among the people trying to eat, her pastor had gently suggested she take some time off until she felt better. She had been more than willing to comply. But now she was looking forward to going back. She missed the time spent working with her friends and the interactions with the people they fed.

By the time she showered, dressed, and came back downstairs, "Sesame Street" and "Barney" were over. She could see the boys had reached their limit of "quiet time" and were ready for activity. She sent them all upstairs to brush their teeth and comb their hair (although that seemed like a losing battle with Phillip and Andrew). They left the house and walked the three blocks to the park. The boys were ecstatic to be free to run and shout. Annie waited until they burned off a bit of their energy on the grass, running in circles and tackling each other, while she and Ally watched. Then she played with all three of them on the playground for a while. She tired much more quickly than they did these days, so she left them climbing on the jungle gym and sat down on a bench to read. After they walked home, Annie dropped them at the babysitter's and drove to the church downtown.

Bobby called as she pulled into the parking lot, asked how she was feeling, and told her he loved her. Lunch preparation was in full swing when Annie walked into the big church kitchen. The other volunteers welcomed her back, and then put her to work. She began volunteering one or two days a week when Ally was a baby, since she only worked three days a week at the hospital.

Annie worked nonstop for two hours, carrying food from the kitchen to the dining room, and then carrying dirty dishes back to the kitchen and washing them. She noticed a man who was new to her. He was 30ish, unkempt, and wearing baggy, dirty clothing. He was agitated, walking around the dining hall muttering to himself. Because she hadn't seen him before, Annie asked the other volunteers about him. They said that he started coming about a month ago. He came frequently, but not every day. About a week earlier the pastor had to call the police and have him removed. He was insisting there was poison in the food and began throwing plates of food on the floor. Since that day, there hadn't been any trouble with him although he always paced and talked to himself before he got in line for a meal. Annie watched him closely. She thought he was probably schizophrenic and obviously not taking any medication.

Annie had done very little psychiatric nursing in her career, but she recognized this behavior because of her mother-in-law's battle with mental illness. Watching her schizophrenia spiral out of control time and again had been difficult to watch. But the hardest thing Bobby had ever done was finally going to court to be named her conservator and having her committed to Carmel Ridge Treatment Center five years ago. He agonized a long time over the decision. Annie felt helpless to ease his pain and could only reassure him that she supported whatever decision he made. She offered to have Frances move into their home and to care for her. But on that Bobby was adamant. He said he did not want his children subjected to the same nightmare childhood he and his brother had. He did not want them waking up every morning wondering which Grandma they would find: fun Grandma, who read to them and played games with them, or crazy Grandma, who talked to people no one else could see and screamed at them for no reason. Annie knew he was describing what it had been like for him and his brother, and she wanted to cry for the two scared little boys. It turned out that Carmel Ridge was good for Frances. Her medications were strictly monitored. She felt safe there and began to make friends. Bobby called her every day and went to see her at least once a week. But he always called ahead to see what kind of day she was having before going. He would not allow the children to see her on "bad days"; on those days Bobby went to see her alone and Annie stayed home with the kids, so their exposure to her bizarre and erratic behavior was limited.

In between serving and washing dishes, Annie moved around the room talking to the people who came to eat. Some of them were homeless; some were struggling just to pay their rent and had little money for food. Many of them were regulars and Annie had gotten to know their names and their stories. Once, she approached the new man and tried to talk to him. She asked his name and he said it was Martin. She tried to find out more about him, but he became agitated, so she stopped. She told him to come and get some food when he was ready and then she left him alone. She was a little sorry she had talked to him because now his attention seemed to be focused on her. He continued pacing around the room and talking to himself, but now he was watching her every time she came into the dining room. It made her uncomfortable.

Annie was serving food when Martin finally got into line. He stared at her while he waited. When she handed him the tray of food, he looked at the tray then at Annie. He said, "I saw what you put in there." Annie tried to smile reassuringly at him and told him that there was nothing in the food that shouldn't be there. His voice got louder as he said, "I saw you! I saw what you did!" Annie told him, "All I have done is serve the food, Martin, I didn't cook it."

The man grabbed the tray and threw it against the wall. He screamed, "I saw you!" The suddenness of his actions caught her off guard. He reached over and grabbed her shirt, trying to pull her across the table. Thankfully, two of the men volunteering ran over and pulled his hands loose. They held his arms to his sides and hustled him out of the building. He screamed at Annie all the way out. Annie was shaking and trying to control her breathing. When the men came back in, they said that once they got him outside the man had broken loose and ran off down the street. One of the volunteers notified the pastor of what was going on and he called the police. The police came and took statements, but there was no sign of the man and no one knew anything about him other than his first name.

The pastor wanted to call Bobby, but Annie told him not to. She assured him that she would tell him about it when she got home. But it was over and she wasn't hurt so she didn't want to worry him at work. She was shaken, but went back to work and tried to calm her racing heart. She was jumpy and kept watching the door to see if Martin returned, but she didn't see him.

Things were winding down in the dining room as people finished eating and left. The volunteers who came in early to do the cooking left and Annie and three others were left to finish cleaning up. The other three were cleaning tables as Annie took the last load of dishes to the kitchen to wash. She walked into the large, empty kitchen carrying the tray of dirty dishes. When she was about half way to the sink, she heard quiet footsteps and tried to turn to see who had come in. But before she could turn, she felt a sharp pain in her right lower back. She gasped and dropped the tray. She felt an arm grab her from behind, across her chest. Then she felt another sharp pain in the right side of her abdomen, and another just under her left breast. Her body exploded with pain. The arm released her and she slid to the floor on her stomach. There was a moment of quiet, although she could hear someone panting as though they had run a race. She heard a clatter as something fell on the floor near her, then footsteps walking away from her.

The entire incident couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity. Had she screamed? She hoped so, but wasn't sure. She couldn't move, but could see the scattered dishes on the floor around her. It was silent now and Annie wondered if she was dying. She heard the door from the dining room open. Someone screamed, then there was the sound of running feet. She heard someone yell, "Call 911!", and there were more voices, more running feet. She could hear her pastor calling her name, but she couldn't seem to make her voice work. It was becoming difficult to keep her eyes open, and she finally gave up and closed them. Why was it so hard to breathe? The voices seemed to be getting fainter and she wondered why everyone was leaving her.

She thought about Bobby, Ally, Phillip, and Andrew. She wondered where Bobby would take them for dinner tonight. She remembered the familiar bedtime routines; giving the kids their baths, listening to them say their prayers, tucking them into bed, reading them a bedtime story. She thought she would ask Bobby to read to them tonight because she loved the sound of his voice. She tried to concentrate on the memory of Bobby's voice, reading or telling a story. But then her world went dark and silent as she slipped into unconsciousness.

End Chapter 1