Chapter 1:
Hi. My name's Melanie Richardson. I'm muggle born. My sister, Molly, is a witch too. We both go to Hogwarts together. She's the popular one out of the two of us. She's definitly prettier than I am. Not that I'm ugly, well, I don't think so. My eyes are bright blue, my hair is black (I dye it, it's this sort of dishwater colour naturally). I'm quite small, average size breasts, a few freckles across my face. My friend, Hannah, says I look really unusual. She means it a good way, at least I hope. Molly however has this brown hair, with brown eyes. Her best feature is most definitly her nose. She has a great nose, quite small, that turns up slightly at the end. I heard a rumour that a seventh year went for a nose job and asked for it like hers.
I am going back to Hogwarts today. It's the start of my fifth year. I'm rather looking forward to it, I must say. Molly says it's all such a drag, but I like it there. I get to see all of my friends again. Hannah has apparently got some new coloured contacts that she wants to show me.
Hannah's my best friend. Well, she's my best girlfriend. My two other bestfriends are Lorcan and Andy. Lorcan is really tall, with amazingly blond hair. His eyes are a really striking silvery colour, he doesn't wear any glasses or anything like that. Andy is the complete opposite, he's small, black hair and brown eyes. Andy is dating Lorcan's brother, Lysander. Lysander and Lorcan look exactly the same. I think it has to be weird for Andy, one of them is his best friend, the other one is his boyfriend. Like, when he's at their house, who does he spend his time with?
If I was dating Lysander, I wouldn't know how to manage that. Not that Lysander would give me the time of day. I'm not really his type. Sigh. If only I wasn't a girl. Lysander might love me back, then.
'Mel!' Molly is shouting up to me. 'It's time to leave!'
The journey there isn't too bad. Molly only spends about half of it going on about whatever great thing she did that everyone loved her for. I don't mean to sound like i don't love my sister, I do. I just don't always like her. She always overshadows me. Every time I do something, she does it better. When I was younger, I used to play basketball. I had done for years. It was like the first thing people always knew about me. Then one day, Molly noticed she had started to put on weight, so decided she should start playing basketball too. Within weeks she was better than me. I quit soon after that.
When we get to the platform, I spot a head of auburn hair over the crowd. I grin to myself. That's definitly Hannah. And next to her is Lorcan. I run over to them, suddenly feeling excited. I pull them both into a very tight group hug.
'Jesus, Mel, i love you, but I love oxygene more!' Hannah's voice is all muffled. When I release them they're both panting, but grinning.
Lorcan is looking at me in that way he does. Like he loves me more than life itself. Which makes me uncomfortable. I love Lorcan, really I do. But not the way he loves me. He loves me as in more than a friend.
I hope to God he never feels the need to tell me that he loves me. That sounds really mean on paper, but I would just break his heart. Which I really don't want to do. It would make our friendship all weird. Also, in those kind of situations, I feel the need to tell the whole truth. Which would mean I would have to tell him how I feel about his brother. Which would make everything ridiculously awkward for all involved.
Talk of the devil. Lysander approaches us, grinning from ear to ear. I try desperatly not to blush. He doesn't appear to notice.
'What do you want?' Lorcan asks him, rolling his eyes.
'You sound like you aren't pleased to see, little brother.' Lysander took great delight in calling Lorcan his 'little brother', given that Lorcan was two hours younger than he was. He ruffled Lorcan's hair.
'Would you stop calling me that?' Lysander grinned and shook his head. Lorcan rolled his eyes again.
The train was fairly eventless. We still hadn't seen Andy yet, he arrived late on the platform, then sat with Lysander for the journey. We pass the time as we always do: pointless conversations and stupid card games.
In the carriage, we finally see Andy. He has grown about a foot over the summer, his face has changed a bit. Although I consider Andy a brother and nothing more, I have to admit he looks sexy. With a pang I realise that he has made Lysander realising he's straight and in love with me even more unlikley.
'You okay, Mel?' Lorcan nudges me, and looks at me with concern in his eyes, while the other two are deep in a conversation about quidditch. I look at him, and smile, doing my best to be convincing.
'I'm fine. I'm just tired. That's all.' I feel bad for lying to him, but really, it's necessary. If he found out I'm in love with Lysander, it would break his heart. Plus he would tell him and Andy.
'Okay.' He doesn't look very convinced. 'If there is anything going on, you would tell me, wouldn't you?' I nod.
'Of course I would.' I lie.
That night I settle down in my nice bed, beside the one that belongs to Hannah. We are all in Ravenclaw. I wasn't too disappointed with the choice. Hannah said she would have preferred Gryffindor. I'm just glad I wasn't in Hufflepuff.
'It's nice to be back, isn't it.' Hannah says as she settles down in her bed. She has a habit of coming out with sentimental stuff before sleeping.
'Yeah. It's gonna be a fun year.' If only I knew how much 'fun' this year was going to be...
Our timetables are handed out in the morning. We have most of our lessons with the Gryffindors. Lysander is in Gryffindor. This is going to be impossible, trying to study for OWLs with him in the room. I scan it with disdain.
When we get to our first lesson (charms) we realise that the teachers are far more concerned about lecturing us about paying attention and studying that actually teaching us anything. Which seems rather idiotic to me. I really wish Dumbledore was still alive. From what I've heard about him, he was an amazing headmaster. I would have loved to have learned from him.
Rose Weasley and crew walk past where we are. She gives me this filthy look. I don't know why, but she's never liked me. The rest of her family like me enough. I get on well with Lucy and Albus. Lorcan is an old friend of the family, it drives Rose mad that he hangs out with me.
Flitwick spends the entire time preaching about how important the OWLs are. Nearly everyone has dozed off already. Suddenly I get hit by a piece scrumpled up paper. I pick it up off the floor, and read it.
Hey gorgeous!
I look around the room, but no-one looks like they could be writing notes to me. Until new words apear on the paper.
Don't try and work out who this is, you won't succeed. I just wanted to let you know how beautiful you are.
Love from your secret admirer
My heart is pounding, heat rises to my face. I've never had a secret admirer before. Of course it could be someone playing a joke on me, but why would they bother? Who could be writing these notes?
A thought occurs to me. What if it's Lysander? And the reason it has to be secret if because he is supposed to be gay? I try to push this thought out of my head, telling myself it is impossible. But it remains at the back of my mind.
The day goes by relatively quickly. I, as a rule, love the first day back after the holidays. Everyone else hates getting up early and all that after weeks of being able to lie in, but I see it more as being well rested, so able to get up.
I walk out onto the grounds. I'm not technically supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be at the Feast. But I ate a massive lunch, I'm not too hungry. Although it is only September, I can see the stars. I sit down and gaze up at them.
I love the stars. I never liked learning all their names, and the different constellations and that. Too scientific. When I was a kid, I used to name them after my friends. There was a huge bright one, that I named after Hannah. I always think that if ever she died (yeah, I'm a joyful person), I'd be comforted by looking at that star. Lorcan's mum says that she was once held prisoner in a dungeon with a hole in the wall. She says that this hole was positioned in a way that meant she could see the stars. There was a star she could see that was born on the 31st July. She always figured that as long as she could see that star, it would mean that Harry Potter was still alive, and still fighting. She was always terrified that one day that star would die, and she would have to give up hope.
I love the stories about the war. The things people went through, how brave they had to be. I would like to think that, in a similar position, I would do the same things that they did, but in truth, I'd probably just go hide in the muggle world.
'Not at the Feast?' I hear Lorcan's voice behind me. But when I turn around, I realise with a jolt that it's actually Lysander. They sound so alike. He's standing behind me.
'Not hungry.' I answer, trying to calm my racing heart. He comes over and sits down.
'Do you like the stars?' His question came as a surprise to me. It seemed like a romantic thing to say, although it was maybe wishful thinking. He's looking at me, waiting for an answer. I nod.
'I love them. I think they're beautiful.'
'You sound like Lorcan. He'll sit and look at them for hours. I don't find them quite so fascinating. I mean, yeah, they're pretty, but not that pretty.' He concludes with a smile. He studies me for a moment. 'Do you love my brother?' Again, he surprises me. I look down at the bench.
'Yeah of course I do.' I try to make it seem like I don't know what he means. He rolls his eyes.
'You know what I mean.' I do. I know what he means. But I don't want to answer him. So I don't. I sit there for what feels like for ever, looking down at my feet. He nudges me. 'Melanie?' It kills me a little inside that he doesn't know me well enough to call me Mel.
'No. No I don't love him.' my voice is small, as though I'm ashamed. I guess in a way I am- I know that I should have a conversation with him about how he feels and about how I feel, and make it clear for him. But I don't want to break his heart, or inflict on our friendship.
'Then you have to tell him. Melanie, he's so deep in love with you, he talks about you all the time. When someone mentions you, his eyes light up just a bit, when he looks at you, all he wants is to hold you in his arms. When he...'
'Please stop.' I cut him off. I know he means well, but everything he is saying is making me feel worse about it. 'I know. I know this. I know how he feels, and I am sorry that I don't want to break his heart. I don't want to make him act weird around me. I don't want to hurt him.' I can hardly believe that it's me speaking. I have never said that properly, not like that, not with so much emotion.
'You don't have a choice. I'm sorry, but he loves you. You hurt him every single day. You have to put him out of his misery.' With that, he leaves. It's not so much that he's going off in a huff, more that he's said what he had to say. Tears prick at my eyes, but I push them away. Lysander has no idea how I feel about him. And yeah, I get how hurt Lorcan is that I don't like him, because I feel it all the time, when I see Lysander with Andy. And Andy's my best friend. I would never do anything to hurt either of them. But I love Lysander. I can't help how I feel. I know it complicates things. I see that. But, it controls me. I can't think straight when Lysander is around.
So I just stay sat on the bench and wonder how things got to be so complicated.