I've written other fanfics, but this is my first one for Supernatural. It's a one-shot based on the last scene of the episode "I'm No Angel" (season 9) on what I think would (or should have) happened if Ezekiel didn't take over Sam in that scene. If you've read my other stories, you'd know I just love putting characters in awkward and uncomfortable situations. No slash, No wincest.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Reviews are always appriciated. Enjoy.
I'm No Virgin
After Castiel left the room in search of more burritos, Dean couldn't help but smile.
"Our little Cas." Dean chuckled to himself. "He gave it up to a reaper. That is-" He turned to his brother and saw a serious look on his face. "What?"
"Maybe you should have a talk with Cass." Sam announced.
"About what?" Dean asked.
"About, you know… using protection." The embarrassed younger brother said.
"You heard him, he had the Angel blade." The older brother joked.
"Dean, I'm serious." Sam said. "Remember that kid whose mom was possessed by a demon during her whole pregnancy? And that Nephilim Cass said he killed trying to do Metatron's trials. Apparently, demons and angels can reproduce with humans. Their offspring are abominations of nature."
"Well, since he lost his grace, Cas is technically human now." Dean pointed out. "So we don't have to worry about little human/angel hybrids walking around."
"Regardless… If anything, he's even more vulnerable as a human." Sam said. "He doesn't have the time or money to support a kid and now he's susceptible to human diseases. Now that he doesn't have powers anymore, he needs to think about the long term consequences of his actions."
"Then why don't you talk to him, Dr. Phil." Dean asked. "It's bad enough I had to give you the talk; it's bad enough I had to get the talk from Dad. It's your turn."
"You and I both know he's always been closer to you." Sam replied.
"Ugh, fine." Dean groaned.
Dean hated to admit it, but he knew Sam was right. Though Castiel still hasn't discovered the human emotion of discomfort that came with the social taboo revolving around sex, Dean knew that it would be easier on the fallen angel if he were the one to gave him the talk.
The Winchesters knew Castiel wasn't dumb; but, being in Heaven most of his existence and being new to humanity, Cas was still innocent when it came to certain things. The fallen angel was used to being able to cure any ailment with a simple touch; but, now that he was human, he needed to learn about human consequences.
The oldest Winchester brother searched the bunker for his newly deflowered friend. He finally found Castiel enjoying a burrito in the library.
"Epic food, I can't get enough." The fallen angel said to his best friend who had entered the room.
"Cas, uh, can we talk?" Dean asked.
"Of course." Castiel said as he offered him a chair. "Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, our time together."
"Listen, buddy." Dean slowly exhaled. "Um, I know you're new to this whole human experience thing. I think there are somethings you need to know. About sex."
"Is this the part where we drink while boasting about all our past sexual conquests?" Castiel asked. "Because, truth be told, I've only had the one. Unless you count the time I re-enacted some of what I learned from the pizza man with Meg."
"No, Cas." Dean said while tying to block that image out of his head. "That's not what I meant. Actually, I just want to make sure that you understand all the consequences of having sex."
"I understand your concerns, Dean." Castiel assured. "I am fully aware about God's rules regarding lust and pre-marital sex and I understand I haven't exactly been on his best side lately, as it is."
"Cas, this has nothing to do with Him." Dean said. "I'm not here to guilt trip you and I'm not talking about what sex means in Heaven or Hell. I'm talking about what it means on Earth."
"What more is there to understand?" The fallen angel asked. "It's main purpose is to serve as a means for reproduction and expression of affection with the added benefits of pleasure. It is preformed by a man placing his-"
"Whoa, stop." Dean interrupted. "Let's, uh, let's take it back a notch to the reproduction thing."
At this point, Dean wanted to kill Sam.
"It is how most living creatures on Earth reproduce." Castiel simply stated.
"Yeah, that's the problem." Dean said. "Obviously there won't be an issue with April. You know, since she's dead and all. But, um, if you are going to have sex with women, hopefully not another reaper, there are things you need to be careful of."
"Are you offering me advice about sex?" The new human asked.
"I guess you can call it that." His friend said.
"Because April said I did it correctly; but honestly, I'm still not 100% sure if I did." Castiel admitted.
"Look, I'm just going to skip to the point before we get off track." Dean spat out, not wanting to prolong this conversation any more than what was necessary. "There are a lot of scary things floating around out there. Things even Sam and I can't fight or fix. So if you are going to participate in certain activities, it's important that you always carry protection around with you."
"You don't have to worry, Dean. As I told you, I always keep my Angel blade with me." Cas reminded him.
"Well, that's good." Dean agreed. "But there is another kind of protection you'll need."
Dean stood up and walked over to the vase on a book shelf and took out a long wrapper with several small folded square packages out before tossing them on the table towards Castiel.
"What is this?" The fallen angel asked as he picked up and examined the oddly shaped item.
"Those are condoms." Dean said. "You use them when you want to have sex. They help prevent STDs and getting women knocked up."
"Do all women have the STDs?" Castiel asked.
"No, but it doesn't hurt to use them just in case." Dean informed.
"Does coitus typically make human males violent?" He asked confused.
"What?" Dean asked with a confused expression.
"If I heard you correctly, you stated that these protect the women from me hitting her and rendering her unconscious during intercourse?" He stated in a confused tone.
"Oh, you're thinking of knocked out; no, knocked up is just another way of saying you got someone pregnant." Dean enlightened.
"It sounds like a violent way to describe the miracles of conception and pregnancy." The former angel stated. "So exactly how many of these will I need to prevent getting a woman knocked up?"
"You only need one each time, but you can only use each one once." The human informed.
"Are these a life time supply?" Cas questioned, though he didn't want to admit it, a part of him enjoyed sex and wasn't sure if he could only do it 8 more times in his life as a human.
"Well, that all depends on you, buddy." Dean joked before clearing his throat and went back to his seat. "But, seriously, if you do need more, we have them stashed throughout the bunker. There's some more in the kitchen drawers, some in the vases in the living room and entryway, a few in my night stand, I'm sure Sam has some in his room, and in the glove compartment of the Impala. I always keep some in my wallet when we're on the road, so if you need one just ask. You can also buy them at gas stations and drug stores."
"And you're sure these are necessary to carry around?" The former angel asked.
"Trust me, with the type of women we encounter, you never know." The hunter said. "The one time I didn't use one, I wound up getting hunted by my own daughter." Dean added with a half-hearted smile on his face before snapping back to the moment. "So yeah, basically make sure you always use a condom during sex."
"So exactly how do I use this device?" Castiel asked.
"The instructions are on the wrapper." Dean replied while trying to think of an excuse to leave. "Well, I would love to stay and chat; but I gotta go... pick up some more beer."
Dean immediately stood up and headed for the exit.
"Wait, Dean!" Cas called out, causing his frind to reluctantly pause. "You never answered my question: How do I know if my love making techniques are efficient?"
"You know what?" Dean turned back and said with a devilish smile on his face. "If you want advice on technique, Sammy's your man."
"Really?" Castiel asked in disbelief. "I was sure you were the one with more experience."
"Nah, I'm all talk and all flash." Dean lied. "But Sam, he's a real ladies' man."
"If you insist." The former angel agreed.
"Yeah, he's really knowledgeable about that kind of stuff." Dean smirked. "Oh, and if you ask, I bet he'll even show you how to us those. Anyway, I gotta go. See you later."
Dean dashed out of the library and headed for the garage. Right as he was about to get into his car, Dean heard a loud shout coming from Sam's room.
"DEAN…!"
The End