Authors Note:
Disclaimer: I write this for sure angst, I do not own any of the wonder that is Death Note
Warnings: Character death
A quick one shot here. I was feel pretty low, and the best thing for me is apparently spam angst writing aha. Because this was done in under twenty minutes I ask you to just this time excuse the poor quality. I don't state any names here and only do slight descriptions, so for those who get a little confused this is Mello and Matt. This takes place after another famous fight of theirs and through an unspecified accident, Mello is currently dying. Despite the scenario I felt that some of this was oddly beautiful, and how I assume his thoughts might wonder.
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The worst part about having nothing is remembering that you once had everything. It's not to say that I was naïve in thinking things like the grass was greener, and there was always a silver lining in the darkness.
No, it was more so like I was able to tell myself then that no matter how bad it would get I always knew it couldn't continue forever. There would be a moment of clarity when everything came together, and there would be a second of blindness. The darkness would all fade out, and the pain would ebb away. There would be bliss.
I don't think I noticed how much of myself I placed onto you. Not at first anyways. Isn't it ridiculous how you can meet someone, and that's it? There is just nothing else. The beginnings, the endings, nothing mattered.
I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have laid down that pressure, but I gave you all of me. All my fears, and my dreams. All the cruelty that I saw, until all there could be left was your simplistic clarity.
I don't know if love was the word for it.
Love was for star-crossed romance, and bitter sweet moments. It was for long talks and slow kisses.
It seems to dull what I was able to imagine. You always said I gave you the will to go on. I'm not sure I even had the will before you. Despite everything though, I'm sorry for not saying it to you.
I'm sorry for the hard years.
I'm sorry for the fights.
I'm sorry for all the times I found you crying.
I'm sorry you ever met me.
You tried to tell me I wasn't cruel. That I had better things in me. We both know that's a lie though, because despite this, despite how everything's ended, if given the chance to go back in time I couldn't ever do it. Set you free that is.
Even now, I didn't have the decency to do that. I couldn't let you go. Looking up at you now I can't help but feel bad. You're screaming, but I can't hear you anymore. All I can hear is my heart beating, thick and slow. Lights are flashing, and the whole world seems to be in motion, twirling about above my head.
And as usual, despite it all you remain in perfect focus.
I wish you wouldn't cry, I know I don't deserve that. You're not even wearing your googles because I smashed them before I left the house. I can't help but be glad for that one last moment of cruelty though, because now I can see your eyes.
I can see the tear tracks staining your face. I can see your bright red hair, and the scars from when you had acne really bad once. I can see the winkle in your brow from frowning. I can see the smile line on only one side from your stupid smirks.
I…I'm starting to not be able to see.
I open my mouth, trying to say something, what I don't know. I'm sure it would be something to console you, as stupid as that would be. Instead of words there's a gush of blood. I can't do anything, not even try to breathe. The air leaves me, and I feel heavier and heavier.
You seem more panicked now, clutching at my chest and sobbing. Who are you screaming for, help?
Don't worry, don't worry. I don't need anything, I have you.
I wish I could say you'll always have me. I'm sorry.
I wish there could be another moment so I could treat you better.
You lean down and desperately kiss me, and despite it all I manage to taste the tears. I'm filled with everything, all of us, all of you. I can't kiss back, but I smile at you one last time before it's all gone.
I wish you didn't have to be alone.