HELLO PEOPLE OF EARTH! I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD, WELL, BACK FROM MY CRAPPY TWO WEEKS! The creative Maximum Ride one-shot fairy found me once again in the middle of the night, hence this story.
So, encase you have NOT read my other Sassy Gay Friend fanfiction, Sassy Gay Friend helps Fang, you should go read it right now because you're missing out if you don't.
DISCLAIMER: TACO DOESN'T OWN MAXIMUM RIDE, SASSY GAY FRIEND OR TWILIGHT (nor do I want to own Twilight. Steph can handle that burden on her own.)!
CAPS LOCK FTW!
ENJOY!
Meet Maximum Ride from James Patterson's 'Maximum Ride'. She is up is up in a tree, mourning the loss of her boyfriend, Fang, when Dylan comes up and kisses her. This tragic fate could have been avoided if she had a Sassy Gay Friend.
He's been gone 7 days.
7 whole days.
But still, Maximum was still holding onto hope. The kids' lives went on, of course, acting as though Fang wasn't a big part of their lives.
They told her to get over it. It wasn't worded as such, but the wording didn't matter. Not anymore, at least.
And how did Fang leave? How did he break the 'unbreakable' Maximum Ride's heart?
A note.
A stupid, stupid note.
No, of course it wasn't a mutual decision, deciding what was best for young Maximum, it was all him, deciding he knew what was best.
She scoffed at the thought. Fang doesn't know anything, apparently.
Also, it's obvious that boy has never read Twilight. But lets be real here, who wants to read Twilight?
It wasn't even as much of his fault as it was Dylan, AKA the bane of her existence. Well, the second bane. The first is Fang, the first will always be Fang.
Instead of being with her family, because she really didn't know how much longer they would be there, she spent her days in a tree.
Yeah, a tree. That way, if Fang came back, she would be the first one to know. She would be the first one to kick is ass.
The tree started shaking. Our young hero looked down and a man was climbing up the tree. He was wearing black skinny jeans that looked like they belonged to his 12 year old sister, a bright pink shirt that just screamed 'I'M GAY!' and a bright orange sparkly scarf.
"What, what-" He paused when he got to her branch and started coughing. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And WHY are you in a tree? Why could you be somewhere where all the other girls go when they're depressed? Like your room or something?" Max was shocked.
"Who the hell are you? And why do you look like a 12 year old girl?" He looked offended.
"How do you not know who I am? What, do you not go on YouTube or something? And I do not looked like a 12 year old."
"Sorry, I haven't had much time to look up stupid videos of people while trying to save the world." Max put her smug face on and crossed her arms.
"Well Fang had time to look me up! But that was in a dream I had, but that doesn't matter! He had time to look me up so you should have too." He put HIS smug face on and crossed his arms.
Max was not having it.
"Just tell me who you are so then I can decided whether or not I should push you out of this tree." The man grasped the tree truck, looking terrified.
"No, please don't. I'm...scared of heights."
"THEN WHY ARE YOU UP 40 FEET IN A TREE IF YOU'RE SCARED OFF HEIGHTS!" Max boomed, throwing her arms out.
"Its part of my job! I'm trying to save from the disastrous fate that is about to happen! Everyone needs a Sassy Gay Friend once in a while, and this is one of the occasions where one is needed!"
"What 'disastrous' thing is going to happen? And why do I need a...Sassy Gay Friend to help me?"
"Everyone needs a Sassy Gay Friend, and I'm the one that goes from place to place to help others. Plus, Sassy Gay Friends seems to get through girls heads easier then straight ones." Max's face was the picture of confusion. "Look girl, I know you're upset with Fang for being a total douche and leaving you, but you have to get over it." Max was about to start an argument, but Sassy Gay Friend was ready for it. "No, 'getting over it' isn't the right phrase. But you need to let it go, because if you don't, Dylan is just gonna swoop in and try to become the rebound. You know what that means right?"
"YES I KNOW WHAT A 'REBOUND' IS, and Dylan is not going to be one."
"Oh really? WHY HAVE NONE OF YOU KIDS EVER READ TWILIGHT!"
"What does Twilight have anything to do with anything!"
"OH MY GOD. YOU KIDS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NOTHING! FANG DIDN'T KNOW TWILIGHT EITHER! Well, it was a dream, but WHATEVER. In the series when Edward leaves Bella for 'her own protection'" Sassy Gay Friend put finger quotes around 'her own protection'. "Jacob comes in all hot and shirtless and tries to get it on with Bella! But, because she's an idiot, she doesn't go for him. You're Bella, Fang is Edward and Dylan's Jacob! Get it now!" Sassy Gay Friend was getting really angry with Max's ignorance.
"So? That's a stupid love story that girls with no lives read! This has nothing to do with me!"
"I am very offended by that statement. I LOVE TWILIGHT!" Max did a face palm while Sassy Gay Friend looked very offended. "And I know for a fact that DYLAN IS GOING TO KISS YOU!"
"What!" Max's eyes got big with shock.
"Yeah! I read it in Angel! It happens at the end of the 5th chapter!"
"Wait, how have you read that book? It hasn't even happened yet."
"I got the earlier copies that only super hard core fans get! What? You didn't think that the books were written after the events happened right? James Patterson is a psychic and sees all this stuff happen before it does. Why else do you think all of you guys are the same age through the series and it's written over a ten year span. The last book is about 2012, duh! James Patterson saw all of this stuff happening in 2002 and started writing about it then! Duh Max, and you're the main character too! You should know this stuff." He rolled his eyes and shook his head. Max looked very confused.
Max shook her head, trying to forget what just happened.
"Anyways, what did anything have to do with Twilight?" Sassy Gay Friend did a face palm.
"Max." Sassy Gay Friend said very slowly. "He's trying to be your Jacob, he's gonna kiss you in hopes that you will me so sad and lonely that you will go for him. WHICH YOU CAN'T! FAX FOR THE WIN!" He shouted to the skies.
"WHAT! EW! Like I would EVER want to kiss him!"
"Thank you! So what are you gonna do when he comes out here?"
"Kick is scrawny ass outta the sky!" Max yelled victoriously. Sassy Gay Friend looked around and spotted Dylan walking out of the house.
"Shit! Here he comes! Okay Max, don't hold back. Talk to you later you stupid bitch!" Max was about to say something about that last comment, but he waved then started climbing down the tree.
Seconds later, Dylan flew up to her branch and tried to start talking to her, but the conversation was stopped when Max kicked Dylan in the jaw, knocking him out. When he fell, he died.
It was a lovely funeral.
Fang got the news that Dylan died, when he then rushed back home. Max and Fang got back together, and then defeated The One Light, The School and Barack Obama.
Max and Fang got married and had 3 kids: Shadow, Pablo and Emma.
Also, Max and Fang made it legal for gays to marry, so Sassy Gay Friend and his one night stand/lover Fernando got married and adopted 2 girls: Max and Juliet.
The End.
Well! That was entertaining to write.
You likie?
REVIEW
REVIEW
REVIEW!
Stupid bitches!
Just kidding, I love you guys!