Rules for Mages
Summary: As the highest-ranking member of the council that wasn't blown up by Jackal, Doranbolt, in an effort to at least try to control the mages of Fiore, creates a list of rules, updated every day, to be sent to each guild. Even if it didn't work, things couldn't possibly get any crazier. Right?
All Members of Crime Sorcière – All of you are criminals. Turn yourselves in. Now.
All Members of the Royal Army of Fiore – If you see a member of Crime Sorcière, don't bother trying to arrest them. Either they'll turn themselves in willingly, or not at all. Each and every one of them is an S-Class wizard, and each and every one of them has some connection to Fairy Tail. Honestly, apprehending eight criminals is not worth the collateral damage that Fairy Tail will create to get them back.
Erza Scarlet – Stop sending us pictures of little blue haired chibis with red tattoos saying, "Guess who saved all your asses". Yes, he did save 'all our asses'. He's still a criminal, no matter how many 'asses' he saves.
Jellal Fernandes – Sending everybody heartfelt apologies does not make up for eight years of political terrorism and attempted genocide. Not everybody in Fiore needs to know that you're sorry. You could have made a public announcement. And, no matter what Scarlet says, saving every thing that could possibly be saved does not make up for your actions.
Mirajane Strauss – Thou shalt have to suffer a witch to live, or thou shalt be arrested for murder. Capisce?
Kagua Mikazuchi – We don't care where, how, or why you have that, but you are to put it away now. No amount of tanks is going to help you get revenge on– who is it this time? Either way, if you're still after Jellal, tanks won't work. You need an amount of firepower that the gods themselves don't have.
Chelia Blendy – Stop stalking Lyon Vastia.
Lyon Vastia – Stop stalking Juvia Lockser.
Juvia Lockser – Stop stalking Gray Fullbuster.
Sherry Blendy – Stop making out with your fiancée in public.
Ren Akatsuki – Stop making out with your fiancée in public.
Gray Fullbuster – You are not permitted to handcuff yourself to that old lady and demand we pardon her. She is not Ultear Milkovich. She looks nothing like Ultear Milkovich. If she, somehow, is Ultear Milkovich, she's a wanted criminal, and she won't be pardoned. Now let her go; you're making Lockser jealous.
Ōba Babasāma – No more dancing. Ever.
Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – Stop stalking Scarlet. She has a boyfriend, even if they both deny it, and he is an extremely dangerous wanted criminal. So cut it out.
Rufus Lore – Your letter of thanks to Fullbuster for returning your hat was appreciated, but he would like to request that, should you ever choose to send him a letter again, you not write about your dirty escapades while wearing said hat in the margin. Seriously, he's been in the showers for six days, and he still hasn't unchained himself from that poor old lady. We're just lucky he spends most of his time naked, or we'd have a lot of mental scarring.
Levy McGarden – You were not just 'giving him air'. You were making out with him, and everyone knows it. –No, I don't care that 'now it's made of steel'. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and shouldn't happen anywhere else.
Gajeel Redfox – She was not just 'giving you air'. She was making out with you, and everyone knows it. –No, I don't care that now 'it can turn into shadows'. What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom, and shouldn't happen anywhere else.
Lucy Heartfilia – Acnologia is not your father.
Flare Corona – Atlas Flame is not your father.
Meredy – As the only member of Crime Sorcière to not be batshit insane, we ask that you act as a role model for your guild mates. Please stop trying to convince them that Natsu Dragneel is Zeref's evil twin. We're pretty sure that, if Zeref had a twin, he'd be the evil one. I don't care that he's 'uber kawaii'. Natsu is eighteen (or possibly twenty-five). He is not four hundred, regardless of what he seems to believe. This also applies to Gajeel Redfox. Leave them alone.
Macbeth – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Midnight's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.
Sorano Aguria – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Angel's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.
Sawyer – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Racer's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.
Richard Buchanan – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Hoteye's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.
Erik – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Cobra's head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise.
Kinana – The fact that you are now using your real name does not erase the crimes you committed under your alias. The bounty on Cubellios' head is also the bounty on your head. Stop telling stupid bounty hunters otherwise. We don't care that you were a snake. You still committed crimes.
Happy – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.
Carla – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.
Pantherlily – You are not permitted to resurrect Silver and Mika Fullbuster.
Lector – You are not permitted to resurrect Weisslogia. Stop hanging around those Fairy Tail cats, they're giving you ideas.
Frosch – We don't care what that fanfic said. Jellal Fernandes is not your 'Frog Prince', and you are not going to wake up from one hundred years of sleep if he kisses you. Get your fairytales straight. That said, keep on stalking him, and sooner or later he might come back to prison.
Rogue Cheney – It is your duty to ensure that your cat knows the difference between reality and fantasy. We aren't going to save him/her the next time he/she calls Fullbuster or Vastia 'Elsa'. By the way, is your cat a guy or girl? No one knows…
Sting Eucliffe – The fact that you got fangirls the instant you showed up just for having blond hair, a dark past, and a tendency to show off your midriff does not mean that you can call yourself 'Marik', 'White Marik', or 'Spike'. You are not any of these people, be they an Egyptian sociopath, an Egyptian psychopath, a little green and purple dragon, or a vampire.
Wendy Marvell – You are probably not Jellal Fernandes' little sister. We will admit that there is a rather striking resemblance, but, unless you have solid proof, you should not be telling people that your big brother was a terrorist. We don't think he was raised by a dragon, but he has yet to tell us otherwise, so…
Bickslow – Stop playing Simple Plan's Perfect every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and he was perfectly justified in kicking you through the wall.
Freed Justine – Stop playing Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and he was perfectly justified in kicking you through the wall.
Evergreen – Stop playing the Pokémon theme song every time Laxus Dreyar walks into the room. It is not his theme song, and the only reason he didn't kick you through the wall is because Mirajane was right there.
Elfman Strauss – Tutu. Off. Now. I don't care how manly your little sister said it was, she was lying. Stop traumatizing children.
Lisanna Strauss – Stop telling your brother that tutus are manly. He believes you, and you are going to be billed for damages if it continues.
Jenny Realight – Stop encouraging Lisanna Strauss. You aren't shaming Mira, you're just making her laugh harder.
Hibiki Lates – Stop encouraging your girlfriend. You should know better.
Eve Tearm – Stop spreading rumors about other people's love lives. No one is ever going to believe that Jenny Realight and Mirajane Strauss are going to have hot lesbian sex.
Loke – Stop believing that Jenny Realight and Mirajane Strauss are going to have hot lesbian sex. It won't happen. Ever.
Jet – Say it with me: "There is no valid reason to be watching Gajeel Redfox and Levy McGarden when they are having their alone time".
Droy – Say it with me: "There is no valid reason to be watching Gajeel Refox and Levy McGarden when they are having their alone time".
Araña Webb – You do not have a pink-haired evil twin, and, if you did, his name would not be Shima Renzō.
Mavis Vermillion – The fact that we cannot see you does not mean we are unaware of your presence. Stop hanging up posters proclaiming that Fairy Tail is awesome and that you won the Grand Magic Games. That was almost a year ago, anyway.
Toby Horhorta – There is a spoon, and there is a cake. Stop eating with your fingers.
Mystogan/Jellal – Go home. We don't need more than one of you running around, and it's confusing the bounty hunters. You are a king of your own world, not ours, so stop pardoning criminals. You have no authority here. According to official documents, you don't exist. So can it.
Erza Knightwalker – Stop trying to get Mystogan and Fernandes to have hot gay sex. Not only is that disturbing on many levels, both are straight. Probably. This does not mean you should advocate for a foursome between the two of them, yourself, and Scarlet. Scarlet is seven years younger than the lot of you anyway. Go home.
Millianna – As much as we encourage anything that brings him harm, your reunion with Jellal Fernandes should not have consisted of you smacking him across the face, breaking down and sobbing into his shoulder for an hour, and then smacking him again. Also, we must question your sanity if your only reason for forgiving him for lying to you for eight years straight was his agreeing to dress up as a catboy for a day. He probably would have just bought you a kitten, had you asked, and no one should be able to walk around with cat ears, a cat tail, kitty face paint, and a completely serious look on his face. Seriously, it's creepy.
Romeo Conbolt – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.
Macao Conbolt – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.
Wakaba Mine – You are not a pretty princess. Stop listening to Marvell.
Risley Law – Stop trying to convince people that you're actually a pair of sisters by switching between forms when no one's looking. We aren't buying it.
Yukino Aguria – We are happy that you've been reunited with your sister, but, as she is a wanted criminal, we regret to inform you that you cannot continue to work under the people trying to catch her. We'd thank you for your service, but you already left the instant the guild that humiliated you and kicked you out asked you if you wanted back in, and said they were sorry. They probably were, but still.
Beth Vanderwood – Stop trying to convince people that Lisanna Strauss and Yukino Aguria are the same person and/or twins. They may look similar, but their respective older sisters insist that this is simply a coincidence. If you wish to take it up with them, be my guest, but we would like to remind you that their sisters are, respectively, an S-Class mage capable of stealing your soul, and a wanted criminal capable of– well, we're not quite sure what her magic does exactly, but we would recommend that you not find out the hard way.
Bacchus Groh – Yes, Gildarts kicked your ass. You tore his daughter's bra off, in public. Nobody has any sympathy for you, although Alberona doesn't seem to mind nearly as much as she should.
Gildarts Clive – While your motives were understandable, you nearly killed a man, who, granted, kind of had it coming. Either way, control yourself. Please, for the love of God, control yourself.
Cana Alberona – No proposing sex to anyone who looks at your chest. If you don't wear a shirt, people will stare. You have no right to criticize Fullbuster when you're as bad as he is.
Yuka Suzuki – Your eyebrows are ridiculous and everyone knows it. Stop attacking people who make fun of you– if you don't want to be taunted, trim them.
Laxus Dreyar – 'Genetics' is not an excuse for your actions. The fact that your father is a destructive megalomaniac and your grandfather is an even more destructive 'senile old fart', as you so crudely put it, does not mean that you are within your right to, and I quote, "Blow up all the shit, fuck all the bitches, and kick everybody's asses". Also, please watch your language. There are children here. Unless, of course, you want the task of explaining the birds and the bees to Wendy Marvell, Romeo Conbolt, Chelia Blendy, Asuka Connell, and Mavis Vermillion.
Acnologia – Stop trying to convince Heartfilia that you are her father. She has enough daddy issues as it is without your help.
Aquarius – I realize that we have no real authority over you, but for everyone's sake, please stop trying to convince people that you are alcohol. They will try to drink you. You may be a Spirit, but you are not that kind of spirit. Heartfilia is getting tired of having to explain to people why she can't close your Gate.