They had just finished talking about Roger and his incredible resistance bands when the deceased victim's body came into view. Bending down on her haunches, Kate took in the young woman's lifeless body. Her eyes were instantly drawn to the gunshot wound that had burned its way through the poor girl's chest. That's all it took for Kate to be transported back to that dreadful day, where she lay frozen on the too green grass with nothing but blue sky above her… and Castle.
She felt the phantom pierce of the bullet ripping through her sternum all over again. Unconsciously, her hand made its way between her breasts, gently massaging her chest where the scar tissue still pulled and burned, hoping to ease the pain. She hoped no one noticed.
Castle noticed. Of course he did.
Castle glanced at Kate just in time to see her hand curl into her chest, the exact spot that would forever change their lives.
He was taken back to that day, just as Kate was, as soon as he laid his eyes on the body. Except instead of looking up into blue sky and blue eyes in that cemetery, he was looking down into the green and gold flecked eyes of the woman he loved, the woman who was bleeding out into his hands.
Kate rose up from her crouch with all the energy she could muster, breaking Castle out of his memories. She was now on autopilot as the questions came out of her mouth about trajectory and angle, how often the girl took yoga classes and who she was with. When she was satisfied that she couldn't get anymore information at the moment, she quickly excused herself from the scene and darted to her cruiser for any kind of escape she could find.
Being ever observant, Castle knew the exact moment when Kate turned to bail from the scene. He was on her heels in a second and let his hand find the small of her back as she trekked along, to let her know that he was there, that he wasn't going anywhere.
Not this time.
Not with this case they way it was already shaping up to be.
Today of all days. Of all the years, for that matter, why did it have to be a sniper?
They both slid into their seats at the same time, always in sync.
Kate forced the back of her head into the headrest and slammed her eyes shut as tight as they could go. She did not want to deal with this today… or any day. She knew Castle was staring at her. When was he not? She didn't care at the moment, though. She just wanted to get her breathing under control and not have a panic attack over a stupid case. She could do this.
Taking slow deep breaths in through her nose, she finally opened her eyes and turned to Castle.
"That girl died instantly, didn't feel a thing," Kate whispered. "The bullet went through her chest at the exact spot it went through mine and yet I'm still here." Her brow was furrowed and she had a far off look in her eyes. Her mind was reaching for answers that it could not find. "Why?"
Looking at her in confusion, Castle narrowed his eyes trying to understand her question. "Why what, Kate? What are you asking?"
"Why was I allowed to live and yet this poor woman, who had her whole life ahead of her, had to die?" She huffed. "She was just an innocent person trying to plan a wedding and make a future for her and her fiancé." Kate was becoming overwhelmed with the situation and honestly could not understand how life worked in this moment. The unfairness of it all hit her square in the jaw. "Me? I was poking a bear, looking into my mom's case. At least I deserved the bullet that hit me. I had it coming, Castle."
"What are you talking about? You deserved that bullet? That's bullshit, Kate. Are you insane?" Fury was pouring out him and he couldn't keep his voice low if he tried. "She may have been innocent, but so are you, Kate. You didn't deserve what happened to your mom and you sure as hell didn't deserve getting shot in the heart because you were off trying to get justice for her. As to why you're still here? I don't know, I can't answer that. But I thank God everyday that you are. I can't imagine a life without you in it. If anyone deserves to be here, it's you, Kate." Castle was panting from his outburst, but he didn't care. He needed to get through to her, to make her see what she was so obviously blind to.
Kate shook her head at him. "I don't know if I can keep it together during this case, Castle. I can feel myself drowning already." The ease in which it was to be honest with him shocked her. Most of the time it was a struggle to get words out that hardly had any meaning behind them, and now she had just spilled her inner most thoughts to him.
His answer was really no surprise though. "You don't have to keep it together. No one is going to look at you any differently if you lose it a little. Give yourself a break, Kate." Castle paused to see if anything he was saying was sinking in. "I'll be here when you fall. Just let me pick you back up, okay?" He silently sent a prayer up that she wouldn't kick him out of the car for that. He could hear himself begging, pleading with her, and knew she could shut him out at any moment.
"I don't even think I deserve to be alive, Castle, so I sure as hell don't deserve you... or your help," Kate said while gripping the steering wheel as tight as she could.
In an instant, thoughts flooded her mind of all that Castle had done for her over the years, of all the times he had been there for her, the times when he came back to her, had her back. She owed him her life many times over and yet she had always pushed him away, while selfishly holding onto him, keeping him close so she wouldn't be alone. Her heart began to race but she knew she had to at least try to apologize for her behavior towards him. "I regret the summer, you know? Pushing you away, not calling, the way I've treated you, Castle, I don't deserve the loyalty that you've shown me through the years.
Even though he was shocked at her admission, her apology, Castle knew of only one way to respond. "You may not deserve it Kate, and you may not want to hear this, but that's what love is." The second it was out he heard her sudden intake of breath, but kept going. "Real love is unconditional. Love forgives. Love doesn't hold grudges or keep records of wrongs. You may not deserve my forgiveness, you may not deserve my loyalty and friendship, but you have it. You have it because I love you, Kate. You have it because my love for you is unconditional."
"Cas… Rick." Her eyes met his, seeing nothing but his unadulterated love for her. Kate forced herself and her eyes to stay the course. She knew she had to be brave in this moment or there was a real possibility that she would lose him for good. "I need your help. If I fall during this case, if I lose it, I need your help, okay?" Castle nodded but kept quiet to let her finish. "But I may need some space, too. And that doesn't mean I'm running from you, Castle. Can you understand that?"
Smiling he answered her, "I can now that you told me. I'll be anything you need, Kate, even if that's nothing at all."
Dipping her head with a shy smile, she stuck her key into the ignition and brought the cruiser to life. She looked at him one more time before pulling out into the busy street. "You're a good man, Castle. I know how lucky I am to have you. And as far as everything else you said, we will talk about it, just… after this case." She hesitated but needed to reassure him with something stronger, without being able to say the exact words she wanted. "And just so you know… Me too."
In a whirlwind of motion, her whole body was being pulled towards Castle by the nape of her neck. She'll never know how he got his hand behind her that quick, but with the press of his lips moving gently against hers, she didn't care.
Reluctantly, Castle pulled back but kept his forehead against hers. "I know, I know, you said after the case, but after what you just admitted, I had to have something to hold me over. Sorry." He wasn't sorry.
His breath was so warm and comforting, washing over her face. She knew in that moment that she could do anything with him by her side and that she would make it through this case just fine. She wanted nothing more than to prove it to him. "Don't be sorry. Let's just get this done together so we can get to the good stuff."
It took some hard work, a few break downs and some space, but they did.
They made it to the good stuff.