Disclaimer: We all know. I own nothing. No one on this website does. That's the whole point of the website.
Warnings: Rated T for sexual innuendo, GAYness, Kirk and Spock, and really, really badness.
Notes: This idea sprang into my head a long while ago, while listening to Wanna B Ur Lovr by Weird Al. It just seemed too funny not to eventually do. Chapters will be short and updates will be sparse.
Setting: Probably after Kahn, during the 5 year exploration.

-X-X-X-

Because Jamaican Me Crazy
1: Boy, You Must Be Jamaican

"Captain… are you ill?"

Jim didn't glance up from his PADD as he heard the Vulcan's voice. He was sitting silently, hunched over a table in the library. The hour was approaching late and he was the only occupant. He scrolled through the lines of text on his PADD, scanning the words. "Healthy as a horse." He answered evenly, still not moving to acknowledge his intruder.

Spock furrowed his brows and tilted his head slightly. "That is a cliché I don't understand. Horses are prone to a number of diseases and ailments caused by the simplest things."

He let out a sigh as he leaned back in his chair. "Spock… I'm in the middle of something. What do you need?"

Spock linked his hands behind his back and stood. "Nothing, Captain." He said evenly.

"Good." Jim continued scrolling and scanning. He was so engrossed in his studies that Spock's presence slipped him mind.

Nearly ten minutes passed in which Spock didn't move. "Captain…" He ventured softly, certain now that something was amiss. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes." Jim answered absently.

If Spock allowed himself to feel frustration, he would be feeling it. "What exactly are you doing?"

"Reading." He wasn't giving anything away.

"That much I ascertained." Spock stepped closer towards the Captain. He was worried that something was wrong, but it didn't show. "But what and why? It is a… very rare occurrence for you. I don't recall ever seeing you so intently studying something in your spare time."

"Maybe I just feel like it." Jim slammed his fist down on the table and rose to his feet. "If there is nothing else." He stepped around Spock and headed for the door.

"Captain…" Spock seemed to hesitate a moment. It was a very human moment for him. Now his worry was visible, as he turned to watch the Captain leave. He couldn't read him. But something was wrong! He pushed the doubt away and followed after the Captain. "I've upset you." He said certainly as he caught up.

Jim stopped and turned slowly. He sent the Vulcan a smile and laughed. "Sometimes you are very infuriating, my friend." He shook his head slowly and started down the hall. "But no. You haven't upset me. Forgive me. I'm just tired."

Spock matched his pace. "Acceptable."

Jim glanced sideways at the Vulcan, smiling. He laughed again and shook his head. He continued down the hall towards his quarters and said nothing more.

"Captain." Spock was content that he hadn't upset the Captain. But he wasn't convinced that something wasn't wrong. "Can I ask what you are reading?"

Now Jim was the one to hesitate. He pace slowed until he stopped. "I don't want to tell you."

Spock stopped and turned, moving to stand in front of him. "If I've done anything to provoke mistrust…"

"No." Jim said quickly, shaking his head. He turned towards Spock's stoic gaze and sighed. "Fine." He relented, shaking his head. "It's a bit… embarrassing." He said softly, stepping closer to Spock.

Spock nodded his head. "I would not breathe a word unless it directly breaks Starfleet Law."

It was such a Spock response. Jim smiled again and nodded. "I was joking around with Lieutenant Uhura earlier. I asked her why she chose you over me."

"You wish to engage with her." Spock stated evenly, like it was the most oblivious and logical fact.

Jim was taken aback. "What? Hell no, Spock." He shook his head emphatically.

"It is logical." Spock replied in a shrugged manner. "You met her first and as we are no longer engaged, she is free."

Jim threw up his arms and pushed past him. "You just broke up a month ago!"

Spock spun around and followed. "Is that not a sufficient time?"

"No." Jim snapped loudly. Just… no." He shook his head.

Spock furrowed his brows. "Why?"

"We're friends." Jim rolled his eyes. "Friends don't date ex-girlfriends."

"There is no longer an emotional attachment. I do not understand your reluctance."

Jim stopped again and snorted. "Just say it's a human thing. No dating friend's girlfriends… past or present."

"As you say." Spock said with a nod. "You can continue."

"Just stop thinking for a moment and listen or I'll change my mind about telling you."

"Captain… I can hardly stop…" Jim started to turn but Spock stopped him. "I'll listen." He really was curious.

Jim shook his head again. "She said she found you… charming."

Spock cocked an eyebrow but said nothing, as he promised.

"You're completely annoying and infuriating and a lot of other choice words. Charming's not one I'd use." He gace the Vulcan a smile. "And she found me… she said I tried too hard. My pick-up lines were outdated."

"Pick-up lines?"

Jim paused and glanced at Spock. "Uh… a line… something you say to someone you're attracted to. You know… to sort of break the ice, I guess." He shrugged. He wasn't sure exactly how to explain it. "A conversation starter."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Like hello?"

Jim shook his head. "No, not that direct. More of… beating around the bush. Sometimes even something generic, that could be used to try and flatter more than one person."

Spock nodded his head slightly. He didn't understand, but he wasn't sure he would ever. "Your research fervor?"

"Interesting, actually." Jim said with a nod and continued down the hall. "There are some really bad pick-up lines out there."

"And you used one of these… pick-up lines on Lieutenant Uhura when you first met?"

Jim shrugged. "I was pretty drunk. I only remember like 30% of that night. Who knows what I said to her. But I was greatly unsuccessful."

Spock slowed. "I still don't understand the purpose. What use is a pick-up line? They are lies, are they not?"

Jim rubbed at the back of his neck, thinking. He had to admit, the concept was weird. The more he thought about it... "It doesn't always have to be a lie. But usually it's stupid or corny."

Spock shook his head. "I'm afraid it is something I will never understand."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Example. This'll apply to you." He said as he pulled up just outside the door to his quarters.

Spock nodded and waited.

Jim smiled. He couldn't help but wonder what his Vulcan friend's response to such a line would be. The moment he read it, he had wanted to inquire. "Boy, you must be Jamaican. Because Jamaican me crazy." Jim could even begin to suppress the smile on his face.

Spock's only immediate reaction was to raise his eyebrows. He was silent a moment, contemplating. He didn't understand it. But clearly something about it sparked great pleasure in the Captain. It was something he needed to understand better. "This is a pick-up line?"

Jim let out a laugh and nodded. "A really bad one."

"What does it mean?"

"It's a play on words." Jim said slowly. "Jamaican? Me crazy?" He pursed his lips, thinking how to explain it. "Jamaican me crazy… it's like… an extremely crude form of saying… you're making me crazy. You're, you, ya making me crazy. So… you must be Jamaican, because ja-making-me-crazy. And love tends to make people crazy."

Spock frowned. "I see…" He said slowly.

Jim raised his eyebrows. "Do you really?"

"Yes, I believe so." The Vulcan nodded slowly. "Though I still find the custom unnecessary."

"I know." Jim laughed. "Now that I've alleviated your curiosity, I'm tired. I'll see you in the morning."

"A moment more." Spock had a thought. "This line… applies to me? Though I am Vulcan and not from the small colony of Jamaica of Earth?"

Jim nodded. "You drive me crazy most of the time."

Spock tilted his head to the side. "Captain… are you flirting with me?"

Jim smiled and clapped him on the back. "Good night Spock." He slipped inside his room and shut the door behind him.

"Fascinating."

-X-X-X-

Notes: This made me laugh the entire time I wrote it. And then when I edited it, I couldn't breathe. Hope someone else finds it just as assuming.