A/N: Hi. I finally wrote my first story with the help of my best friend Sonea Storm Shadow. Please, do not take this seriously, twas meant for humor and nothing more. I do not own anything except for the poorly written plot. WARNING: Plot holes may be applicable.
SSS: They are applicable.
HSWDN: Bitch please. Leave the fandoms alone.
Please note, I am terrible with grammer... and spelling as you can see i can't even spell that correctly.
Anyway, please read, review and enjoy.
My name is Sasugay. I am a 20 year old male mother with one strangely long testicle. It is rather humorous but embarrassing story. But hey, what can you do? It used to be normal but everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Many moons ago my testicle was held hostage but was rescued by a ninja in orange. I know, orange? A ninja? How they didn't see him coming is beyond me. He was yelling too, "I'm going to be Hokage! Believe it!" I didn't but anyway, my testicle was released in the chaos that followed the so called 'ninja'.
Whilst I escaped I came across this guy riding on a motor cycle. He had a creepy smile too. He seemed to be a cosplayer... I questioned what the frig was wrong with his hair. It was standing on end and it was purple. Purple nurple! Haha. Anyway.
He challenged me to a children's card game (which was to be played ON MOTORCYCLES). I rejected his offer because he called me a Kuriboh. Rude. So I walked down the street with my testicle in hand and I froze when I turned the corner... For there, standing there right in front of me was a long slender man with... NO FACE! "SLENDER MAN!" I screamed and began to run as my feet crunched underneath me as if I was walking on cereal. I ran into a convenient store for a hula hoop and some salt and put the salt into the hula hoop because I read, somewhere, that demons were stopped by salt... And hula hoops... It might have been circles but hula hoops are round anyway... Yay for logic!
So now that I could run again, and not on cereal, even though I could clearly still see Slender Man hiding behind a tree I got to a park and found craters covering the ground as if a huge battle of the ages had taken place. I dodged them carefully and found a short bald man with disappearing dots on his forehead who was also in orange (again with the orange?) crying over another man in orange (seriously?) lying in one of these said craters, which was still smoking, with longish spiky black hair but had muscles like a wimp. A mere mortal. I heard the bald man whisper "You will always have a friend in me." Looking away grimly, I walked slowly into the horizon.
I exited the park and saw two figures in the distance almost as if the we're flying but the one did have four rockets so I ruled him to be a mere muggle. The man was in a red metal costume fighting another guy who reminded me of the Fourth Hokage but had black hair and brooding eyes and sexy pouting lips as he seemed to hover in the air. He was yelling fiercely while the robot man just chuckled and said "I'm over 9000 bitch".
I sauntered far away, again, still with my testicle in hand and I wanted to face palm but a testicle to my face was not appealing when all of a sudden someone screamed, "Boot to the head!" And then suddenly I was knocked over by said boot to my head and ended up face walling... When face palm just isn't enough. Deciding to escape all of the craziness I walked into the long grass which was conveniently placed. Suddenly a mere child of no more than eight said, "Ah hah! I'm going to beat you with this Magicarp my dad gave me!"
I stared at the kid for a while before bursting into laughter and pointed at him with my testicle and disclosing, "Your dad never loved you!"
I left the crying kid and I knocked my head on a hard half mooned shape of something hanging from a tree... IT WAS A METAPOD and decided I was going to catch this rare and mystical creature... So I threw my testicle at him but it used harden, and suddenly my testicle grew in size. I grabbed my now enlarged master ball and escaped with my life... But somehow it transmuted into a detached, long and very pregnant testicle.
I finally escaped the craziness in place of the savannah land. I could feel the colours of the wind changing. Winter was coming. In the vast land, a baboon was singing maaaa sawenya mamabitssewa... He was basically saying it was a lion in a very passionate and dramatic pose on a horizontally erect rock. Finally I was going homeward bound. However, I suddenly doubled over in pain from something between my legs that was no longer attached. Luckily Officer Jenny, who just so happened to also be riding a motorcycle, noticed my pregnant testicle and the state I was in. She threw me onto her motorbike and I almost thought I was getting kidnapped again. Yet I realised it was for my benefit. Once I reached the clinic, a woman approached. She had a full head of hair and a bodacious bosom. Her name was Joy. Nurse Joy told me "He is the chosen one" while pointing to my pregnant testicle and I was sorely confused.
This day was not a good day as they quickly put me onto a hospital bed with my testicle near where it used to be attached, the nurses and doctors crowded around my bed and began running down the halls with me as I was wondering what was going on. We entered through another door where lights flashed and the smell of dead and rotting flesh invaded my senses, I turned my head and saw strange broken and almost green people walking around like the dead. I decided to close my eyes shut because I had to open my big mouth... This day had definitely gotten worse. These are not the droids I was looking for... Or testicle.
"This is not the testicle you are looking for!" I begged but the doctors weren't listening as they ripped off my pants. My further pleas were neglected too as they penetrated me with their needles and I cried out in pain as they tried to reattached my testicle. They succeeded as I felt something push up into me and suddenly the pressure and pain ended with a pop. *POP*
'That's it?' I asked as the nurses held up a bundle of joy and I was flabbergasted. No pain, no exhaustion. Curious. Very curious, I mused.
"He is the chosen one... He is destined to walk into Mordor..." the nurse declared.
"Wait, that's the wrong one. By the way, here's a glass of milk... Cow Haha... Moo." A new, strange white haired man (also dressed in a nurse's outfit) said as he shook the carton of milk by his ear before he passed it to me and I decided to drink it anyway, what could happen. He also promised me a slice of cake but I knew, the cake was a lie.
"We found the prophesy… He is the bringer of darkness, the destroyer of time. He will find... THE ONE PIECE! *dun dun dun duuuuun*." Nurse Joy announced. "His name is Gilligan." She added and I blinked.
"Do I not get to name him?" I asked but kept quiet after the crickets chirped in the dead silence. Eventually some generic staff member announced, "One does not simply name the chosen one." I stared blankly back as I was passed my new bundle of joy. But there was a clank from the door before it exploded inwards and there stood a handsome man with long black flowing robes, holding some sort of stick/wand in his hand as magical rainbows erupted from his magical wood.
"Is he the chosen one?" Voldemort asked as he pointed his long wood at me and I clung to my child in fear.
"Um... No?" I responded and he cursed before he turned and walked out, everyone was staring after him before he burst back in again, still pointing his wood.
"You are lying to me peasant!" He yelled hysterically.
"No, the child of Mordor was born three rooms down, he's the One Piece kid." The guy with the white hair, nurse's outfit and surgical mask on replied, pointing his thumb at my child as I shielded him away.
"Oh right well... Sorry to interrupt." He said as he strode away dramatically, his robes billowing dramatically behind him as everyone watched him walk away.
"YOU!" Another man burst in. Where were all these weirdoes coming from? I didn't know but if one more mundane walked though that, now lying flat, door, I would smack a hoe. He was a tall aged man in grey robes and a long wooden staff. He glanced at me before he focused back on my son. 'SHALL NOT PASS… Your eighteenth birthday.' The old man declared as he pricked his thumb and ran his blood along my son's forehead. "Well good luck then. May the force be ever in your favour?" He said and left just as dramatically as Voldemort did.
I had a revelation... I needed to protect my son... And that is how I became...
A SOUL REAPER!