CTHULU VS CHAOS GODS
By Speshbun for Josh
A/N: For this I tried to emulate Gotham-Knight-Jon's style of writing. From his evocative imagery and incredibly moving themes, I didn't need more of a reason to write some Warhammer 40k fiction thanks to GKJ's works in the same universe. Although, I'm doing this mostly because I was going to be given five dollars, and a man's gotta eat. Also, Cthulhu is in there.
I do not own anything from the Warhammer universe, H.P. Lovecraft, his associates or collaborators. This is a purely comedic satire in the style of u/3111035/gotham-knight-jon 's works. Be warned, this is awful completely on purpose.
One day the chaos gods were flying thru space. chilling in the immaterial sitting back and reading some books!
"This is stupid! said kohrne who didnt like reading books as much as say tzeentch did!
"oh quit being such a spoilsport?" the god of the plans said to his brother who was sitting with his feet up on the space table! something that tzeentch hated that he did very much!
ARAGRHGARUAGRUGHARAGR spoke KHORNE like those berserkers say when you click on them from dawn of war
and then there was a crash!
"i dont like the sound of that" said fat nurgle which was an obvious star wars reference and slaanesh knew he was goign to say that because they had just watched epsiod littile while ago! what a nerd yelled SLAANESH!
khorne flew off the table because he had power armour and he looked out the view port! what he saw left him completely speechless! and for khorne that was really something!
"Theres'...! some kind of monster out there!" shouted khorne!
"oh dont tell me doomrider is at it again with his pranks!" that guy was always doing stuff like this but really please matt ward put doomrider back in okay?
I AM CTHULHU! THE DEEP SLUMBERING ONE! shouted cthulhu so loudly that they could hear it everywhere and really he didnt even use quotations he was so loud! he kinda looked like davey jones from pirates at worlds end
Without even thinking twice, Korn jumped out of the space ship and went straight for cthulhu!
"That wont work this time you little snake" said cthulhu and hundreds of people in the material world became insane!
"we have defeated you once and will do so again damon!" said slaanesh! which was funny because he had lots of hot daemonetters around him stroking his wardian power armour and giggling even though he didnt even tell a joke.
GO BACK TO THE SHADOW! YELLED TZEENCTH, (just like gandolf! from LOTR in the scene in the cave! with the barlog!), THEN TZEETCH THREW HIS WIZARD STAFF AT HIM! BUT HE BROKE IT! AND THEN IT WAS OK BECAUSE HE HAD ANOTHER ONE!
Cthulhu attacked then! and knorn suddenly got thrown back as cthulhu's giant hand reached out and attacked him sending him straight back against the chaos gods ship which was called the dark cruiser.
but cthulhu wasnt done just yet. just as tzeentch and khorne and nurgle and that last guy got up they found themselves suddenly upside down and dangling out of the window into cthulhu's mouth!
I AM GOING TO PUT AN END TO THIS REALITY JUST LIKE I AM GOING TO PUT AN END TO YOU BY EATING YOU, AND THEN KILLING YOU! said the great elder god cthulhu. the chaos gods were scared and khorne even apologized to tzeenthg for saying that he didnt like his books because he was afraid he was going to die
But! Out of nowhere! a space marine came. But it wasnt just a space marine no. it was the emperor of man himself! with a single swing of his super space sword, cthulhu let go of his dinner (which were the gods of chaos), which gave them just enough time to strike back!
Cheogorath was also there but since hes eldar and weak he jst sat and watched!
"tzeentch do it!" yelled nurgle!
And suddenly cthulhu screamed! and he was sent straight back to his dimension
When all of them were painting from the victory they were looking for the emperor but couldnt find them! Cheogortha wasnt there either!
looking at them from his golden throne that he teleported back to becuase he was so fast he smiled knowing he did the right thing. after all who would he play SPESS strip poker and galatic laser tag with if the CHAOS gods were dead!
"All in a day's work" said the emperor! because if anyone was goig to beat the chaos gods it was going to be him!
IGN RATING 10/10
THE END!
OR IS IT!?
DUN
DUN
DUUUUNNN
I'm so sorry.