Spooked

by Bensler

The scene at the hospital was nothing short of chaos.

NYPD, FBI, DEA, SVU, 1PP – you name the agency and they were probably there somewhere.

Following Cragen and a doctor from a small room, Elliot's eyes immediately searched the area for his partner. There were people everywhere, but no sign of her. He saw Munch and Fin talking to Sergeant Tucker from IAB and started toward them.

"Where's Olivia?"

The three men looked up at him then Munch and Fin exchanged guarded looks.

Irritated at their reactions, his face crumpled into a scowl. "What?" Elliot demanded, as he walked up to them.

Munch pulled him aside out of Tucker's hearing range. "Said she had to get out of here."

"And you let her go? Just like that? She's in no frame of mind to be alone, John! What were you thinking?" Elliot bellowed angrily, drawing the attention of everyone in the vicinity. "She say where she was going?" He grabbed a fistful of John's shirt and jacket and pulled the older man to his face.

"No…" Munch shook his head as his hands came up to pull Elliot's away.

Cragen was at Elliot's side in seconds, a calming hand squeezing his shoulder. "Take it easy, son."

Fin made his way over to defend his partner. "You know 'Livia. She didn't want anyone hoverin'. Told us she'd call if she needed us."

Elliot snorted and shook his head. "Yeah, I know Olivia. And you know her, too. She always says she fine and she never needs anyone!" His face was red with rage as he spun around and left the emergency room.

Key in hand as he stared at the gray door, he took a deep breath. 4D. He could not remember how many times he had stood in this very spot and waited for her to open the door in response to his knocking. Tonight he knew she would not open it. Tonight he knew he would have to use the key. The key she had given him for emergencies. If what had happened today was not an emergency, he didn't know what was.

Shifting from one foot to the other as he lifted his hand to fit the key into the lock, his fear gave him pause. She would not appreciate him barging in on her. He should at least give her the opportunity to allow him in before he took that choice from her. So he lightly tapped on the door. Several minutes passed. Nothing. Just as he lifted the key again, he heard a sound – faint, yet audible enough to break his heart and twist his gut.

Slowly pushing the door open, the sound became louder, piercing. It echoed throughout the apartment gaining volume as it reverberated off the walls. Muffled sobs. Her sobs. The pillow did nothing to muffle her pain - pain more than evident in the wails of grief. Suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach. Over ten years with her by his side as his partner, his best friend, his something more that he could not or, at least, would not ever name, he thought he had seen her in every imaginable situation. Every situation except this.

Making his way tentatively through the apartment, he stopped at the doorway of her bedroom. She cried with the abandonment of one who had lost all hope; one who had nothing left for which to live. He had to comfort her but he felt so inadequate to do so for he had nothing concrete to offer her.

He had never even known she dated Dean. While that angered him, it also bothered him that she did not feel like she could share that with him. But why would she think she could? He had never tried to hide his intense dislike for the man; had always pushed the envelope with him, secretly hoping Porter would give him a reason, any reason, to pound on him a bit. To say he was surprised that Olivia went out with him again was an understatement.

She must have really cared about him, he realized. Now there was no doubt how she had felt about the man. The bedroom door was pushed to and when he opened it and saw her, he nearly lost it himself. Lying on her left side facing away from him, she was curled up in the middle of her bed, hugging a pillow, her face buried in it as she sobbed her heart out. Her grief nearly overwhelmed him as he moved toward her bed.

Unable to accept what had happened, unable to separate her culpability from it, she just wanted to die. She would never survive the guilt, let alone her loss. Not only had she lost someone very special, she was the reason he was gone. She thought back to the first time she had met Dean Porter. From the beginning they were like sandpaper roughening the other up, knocking off some edges while creating new ones.

She did not particularly care for his arrogant ways, and he found her difficult, but something changed between them when she tried to protect Simon, her half-brother, from false allegations of rape. Dean had been willing to look the other way on charges that could have meant the end of her career. Somewhere along the line she had stopped seeing him as the enemy and found that she did like him. He became her friend.

He was her age; had never married; and was an FBI agent so he understood her job and its demands. After the mess with Simon, he had asked her out repeatedly and she had turned him down every time because of Elliot. But then Elliot told her he was moving home and Dean dropped by unannounced one evening and she let him in. They talked and laughed, and played gin rummy and crazy eights into the wee hours of the morning and when he left he asked her out for dinner the following Friday and she said yes.

After the Darius Parker trial was over, and she had survived her hearing before IAB with a three month suspension as well as Elliot's confession of Kathy's pregnancy she poured everything she had into her relationship with Dean. She was bored without work. It had been her life and now she had nothing to keep her busy - one could only clean house, shop, run and workout so much and being with Dean helped her tremendously. And he kept her mind off of Elliot. Most of the time.

Their relationship lasted six months. Longer than any of the others had lasted. She cared deeply for him, even ventured to say she may be in love with him, but something always held her back from completely committing to him or anyone for that matter. Something in the form of one Detective Elliot Stabler. His dislike for Dean went beyond professional boundaries.

Olivia knew he was jealous. But she had no idea how to deal with it because he had no right to that jealousy even though he was separated from Kathy at the time. She had once held out hope that he might make a move on her, but he didn't and when he finally went back because of Eli, she knew there was no hope. So she turned her attention to Dean.

Had he stayed in NYC, perhaps something more would have eventually evolved. As it were, he took a promotion in Philadelphia and asked her to come with him. There was no way she would leave SVU. And no way, if she were honest, that she would leave Elliot. Simply no way. So Dean went to Phillie, she stayed at SVU and that was that. At least until a week ago. During this latest case she and Elliot had run into Dean. And just like that he was back in her life bringing along all those feelings she thought she had put behind her. Now…now he had taken a bullet intended for her and she could not quit crying.

Words would not form around the lump in his throat. Elliot could barely breathe, so speaking was out of the question. He wished now he had not been so crass and insensitive in dealing with Dean, especially in front of Olivia. He knew he made it difficult if not downright impossible for her to maintain a relationship with a man. He could not help it. He so was afraid of losing her friendship; of her spending time with anyone else; of losing her. And he knew it was not fair of him to be jealous like this because he had a wife and family and Olivia had no one. No one except him and the precious little time he spared for her. God, he was so selfish. He wanted her but wasn't willing to do what had to be done to have her completely.

Don't ask him how, but he knew she knew he was there even though she did not acknowledge him. Something, the atmosphere in the room, her breathing, the way her sobs softened, that uncanny connection they have managed to hold onto, something told him she knew. He toed off his shoes, removed his jacket and tie and slowly lay down on the bed stretching out behind her. Gently pulling her into his arms, she offered no resistance as she gripped his hand as though it were her lifeline. The scent of her shampoo and cologne filled his nostrils as he placed tender kisses at her right temple. Pulling his hand to her chest, her sobs began anew.

She had known he was there. She sensed him the moment he entered the room. Part of her was embarrassed for him to see her like this – so vulnerable, so devastated. But another part of her was thankful because with Elliot she was safe. Safe to be real, to completely breakdown and know he would be there for her and he would still be her friend. The heat from his body, though it was something she had dreamed about for years, was comforting in a non-sexual way.

It was as though a cocoon had been spun around her to protect her from the world and the harshness of its realities. Her tears flowed freely as he engulfed her in his arms, as his lips laid tender kisses at her temple and whispered soft, soothing words in her ear. When she felt the dampness upon her cheek as his tears mingled with hers, it was then that she knew for the first time how much he really did care about her – it was then that she knew he did love her. And amazingly, she drifted off to sleep.

Light from the streetlamps filtered in across the bed bathing her face in a tinge of blue. Unable to see his watch or the alarm clock behind him without disturbing her, he had no idea what time it was or how long they had lain there sleeping. She had shifted and now faced him, her right hand tucked under her cheek, her left draped across his waist. At some point she had also thrown her left leg around his and pulled him closer. He could not help but wonder if it were out of habit, if this were how she slept with him, if she subconsciously thought he was Dean. Feeling the unbidden anger and yes, jealousy rise up within him, he tried to think of all she had endured the last few days.

The dawn brought increasing light into the room and he could now see her quite clearly. He had no idea how long he watched her sleeping. He only he knew he could stay here forever with their arms and legs entwined. Entwined as their souls were and had been almost since the beginning of their partnership. He didn't want to lose her. Ever. Not to another partner or retirement or death and certainly not to Dean Porter or any other man. But he had no idea how to hold onto her and his family.

His family. What irony. His kids were practically grown and though he had been determined to do different by Eli, things between he and Kathy had never changed and he found it increasingly easier to find a reason not to go home than to fight with his wife when he did. It was the same old thing – the job, the hours, the missed family dinners and yada yada. She almost left him again during the Bushido/Tybor case, but Olivia had talked her out of it. Sometimes he found himself holding that against his partner. Closing his eyes, he shook his head to clear his mind.

Upon opening them, he saw two pool of chocolate brown staring at him. Her lips edged upward in a soft smile. "Hey." The word was barely a whisper.

Smiling back, he wanted nothing more than to pull her to him and kiss her. Really kiss her. Instead he merely parroted her greeting. "Hey."

The seconds became minutes that they gazed at one another. Finally, she spoke again. "Thank you." Her voice was soft and shaky as she looked down at their now entwined hands.

He did not even know who took whose hand, but he pulled them to his lips and kissed hers several times, his eyes never leaving hers. "For what? I haven't really done anything…"

"Yes. You have. You were here. I knew you would come." She spoke confidently now though still softly.

She knew he would come? At this confession, he could not help but grin. And he could no longer resist his desires, so he ran his fingers through her hair and pulled her to him, kissing the top of her head. He loved this woman.

When he spoke again, his voice was gruff, choked with all the emotions he felt for her. "Olivia…I just…I wish there were something that I could do or…"

She drew back from him, her eyes glistening with tears, and placed her fingers at his lips. "Shh…you're here. That's all I need. It's all I've ever needed."

Their eyes spoke the unspeakable, words too painful to utter, yet too precious to keep bound within their hearts. Breaking the gaze, she embraced him in a tight hug, her head falling to his chest, her breath warm against him, and he knew that somehow, someway they would be together. One day soon.

And the strange thing was, he was no longer spooked by the admission of what he wanted – what it would take to have it and what would one day belong to him. Only to him.

~ ~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~ ~