I know I havent updated my other story yet but this was just bugging me I needed these two to have a good talk about the whole adam thing so wrote this mainl a one shot depends if I get any other ideas of how to finish this =]
Disclaimer: These two stubbron idiots are in no way mine
"I could have sworn that when I dropped you off at the airport I told you that you are not alone"
Those words replayed in her head over and over again his voice edged with pain she couldn't shake it off and knowing just how much that mattered how much that should have mattered when she made the biggest mistake in her life just caused her more pain within herself. That's when Ziva went out to look for Tony finding him sitting in the break room he got up the moment he saw her knowing very well he wasn't in the mood to talk he began to walk away but she corned Tony blocking out anyway for him to escape. She needed to talk to him no they weren't together she wasn't sure what they were really but she needed to explain to him what had happened that night. What led her to Adams bed because he hadn't done anything wrong he'd done everything right she was the one who screwed up got caught up with all the emotions she tried so hard to keep inside while burying her father, but she couldn't keep everything in and releasing some stress with meaningless sex seemed like a good idea at the time.
"Tony" she spoke softy standing in front of him but he wasn't acknowledging her, he wasn't even looking at her but straightforward to the wall opposite of them.
"Tony…I" she needed to apologize she felt it deep within her the guilt rising up her throat threating to explode. Yet she couldn't find the words to express just how sorry she was she felt like a wife cheating on her husband and losing Tony wasn't something she could handle so she had to fix this, fix them.
"What do you want Ziva?" his harsh tone threw her off failing to respond quickly he spoke again "You have nothing to apologize for" Tony's voice brought her back from her own thoughts. Looking into his eyes told her just how badly her actions had caused him pain. She had hurt him in a way only someone so special so close to you can.
"I think I do" she told him "No you don't, you owe me no explanation Ziva, because apparently I was wrong miss read you and me but that's ok I get it I can read the words nice and clear now" he said firmly mouth shutting into a thin line. Taking a step forward to place her hand on his chest she looked him in the eyes "I. Was. Weak…I wasn't thinking clearly…and I apologize for the way you had to find out Tony" she needed to know they were going to be ok because yes she messed up and just how badly she had messed up scared the crap out of her to think how far back this would take them in their new relationship. "Damn it Tony don't shut me out!" she screamed her regret being replaced with anger for his nonchalant response. This seemed to get a reaction out of him snap something within him though she heard a rough chuckle "Me? Yea you should know something about shutting people out huh Zi? I mean its not like I practically told you how I felt that night I left you at the airport telling you in your own language that you were not alone. I didn't put every effort in me to make sure you were alright wrote you every day you were gone to get no response back!" he wasn't holding back anymore she could tell and she didn't want to stop him because he had the right to be this upset and he needed to get everything out of him if they were going to fix this but the pain his words caused her were a surprise to even her.
He pushed her roughly up against the wall getting into her personal space he wanted to get her attention she knew it maybe even make her feel as bad as he felt himself "I opened myself up to you Zi, and what do you do? You go off to Israel and sleep with another man! But that's ok right because that's what you do isn't it have meaningless sex with strangers to get what you ever it is you need" his words hit her right in the gut she let out a loud gasp at his harsh response. Reacting on her own instincts without thinking bringing her fist roughly to his cheek. The world around them seemed to stand still the silence defining as they both tried to regain what little control they both had left.
"Do you know really know how much you wounded me with your actions, because I really don't think you have the slightest clue Zi I put myself out for you again left myself vulnerable to you once more. I told myself countless times again and again that you didn't know how I felt because if you did you wouldn't do those things to me, but you know how I feel about you Zi I mean damn it what more do I have to do to show you that I'm not leaving you! But you knew that didn't you, you've always known you knew it the moment I went across the world to rescue you from the desert but it wasn't enough. Or maybe I'm just not enough" she couldn't breathe felt her throat closing up and the tears beginning to rise. "I was lonely Tony and let me finish here please burying my father…the last of my family left me weak and yes yes yes your Hebrew was right but when I needed your words again you weren't there I was alone in Israel still and Adam was there willing to give me some peace without asking anything much in return and I know how much that hurts you I understand but-" "What's your game here Ziva damn it I don't want to hear your excuses any more! I get it, you were weak now I understand why you understood your father so well when he cheated on your mom oh the irony there huh Zi" flinching she tried her best not to hit him again.
"You don't understand!" she screamed out again because he wasn't understanding why she did it and she needed him to understand that it meant nothing absolutely nothing. "I think I do you chose another man over me, me when I've been here for you I could have been anything you wanted me to be Zi" "Your being insufferable! I'm trying to be honest with you but your damn stubborn heart wont listen to me when I say it meant nothing!" he just shook his head once more as he went on saying the last thing she wanted to hear "I'm done, I'm tired of pretending" his oh so familiar words ringing in her ears had a whole new meaning she knew what he meant he was done trying he'd finally giving up on them on her. And she had caused this her stupid mistake had caused him to give up on what they had. Stepping away from her he started to walk away she felt like she couldn't breathe couldn't comprehend exactly what she was doing as she spoke "Stop! Just stop Tony! Why cant you understand how sorry I am!" "Why didn't you understand just how much I meant to you when you were in bed with him!" he asked her right back not turning around to face her so she reached out grabbing his wrist to pull him back into her, her lips crashing on his roughly.
She kissed him desperately trying her best to show him just how badly she needed him to forgive her. He didn't respond at first standing idly still not touching her but as she bit his lower lip and begged his lips for entrance his resolve dissolved putting his hands on her waist he pulled her into him not caring to be gentle with her because he needed this no matter how upset he was at her to feel her know exactly how she feels and taste, and god how wonderful she tasted. He didn't have the will power to pull away first so when she did he didn't let his hands from her waist fall keeping her close to him. "I cannot lose you Tony. I need you. Please." she spoke with remorse her head resting on his "Why you do it Zi, I could have been there for you been anything you wanted me to be I'd had been on the first flight out if you needed me to be" she knew this than and it scared her because they didn't talk about how they felt and complicating what they had didn't seem like a good choice at the time "I wish I could take it back Tony I'd do it differently I swear, but I can't" he heard her remorse and he wanted to forgive her but the images of her and Adam wouldn't escape his head. "I cant Zi..I cant just forget this and god how bad I wish I could but…I need some time" letting go of her he took a step back "Well work this out sweet cheeks we always do. I cant live without you remember" giving her a small smile he placed a gentle kiss to her temple her only response nodding in agreement because she really did hope they could forget about this because she couldn't live without him either.