A Breath of Fresh Air

June 29, 2009

"You fall in love with people not a gender. Don't say I'm a lesbian. I'm just a person in love with a woman. If that makes me lesbian I don't care. It just all labels and more labeling. Love doesn't need to be labeled and it shouldn't be."

A/n: I started this a while ago. And I thought the plot was kind of cute. There is no porn in here.. just kind of a love story. this could be total shit, but we'll see. I'm just bored and wondering if this intrigues anyone. This will be like four chapters….. DO NOT COMMENT IF YOU DISLIKE GAYS.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" I frantically tried to gain some control over the situation. I had hoped that he would just leave and this would be the end of it.

I strained my ears to listen for him leaving. I heard silence.

I turned towards him. He was standing by the half opened door. His green eyes were dead.

I used to love those eyes but now I would do anything to burn those eyes out of my memory. Those were the eyes that had lied to me. The eyes that had destroyed me, if anything all they did was mock me now.

"What are you still doing here, get out of here. You ruined everything."

He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. I took this opportunity to grab the first thing within my reach and throw it at him.

It was a picture of us on our one year anniversary. The night he had said he loved me.

It spiraled through the air towards Edward. It collided into his chest and fell to the floor. It shattered to pieces as gravity forced it to the ground.

Shards of glass scattered across the floor.

Edward finally broke out of his trance. He awoke with anger. He stepped around the shards of glass and advancing quickly towards me.

His eyes were filled with the rage that should have been mine. He assured steps towards me should have been the assurance I had that our relationship was over.

He finally pressed his body up to mine. He had backed me into a wall; he pushed me into a corner like he was trying to control a wild animal.

His closeness didn't allow me to think or breath. I shut my eyes trying to ignore his existence. But I felt fear. I really was a scared animal.

"Isabella, if I leave, you will never see me again. Do you understand me? You will never see me again. Is that something you want?"

I felt the moisture of his breath as he annunciated his last words. The heat radiated off his body as he dared me to send him away, to leave him.

I wanted to cave and throw myself into his arms but I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't forget what had happened, what he had done.

I tried to fine strength within myself and let him go. I tried to set myself free.

I really did try but I felt my resolve crumble. I latched on to Edward and started sobbing. I held on to him even though I wanted to let go. I kept him even though he betrayed me. I trusted him even though he hurts me day after day.

I felt his hand wrap around my waist and pick me up. He whispered stale apologized and carried me to our bedroom. I just wanted to be with him one more time. Just couldn't let go, no matter how much I wanted too.

It was then I realized that I kept him here because I loved him and you can't control who you love. You can't control the fact that the person you love isn't perfect or everything they should be. You just have to love them for who they were.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&I lay awake in our bed.

I watched Edward as he slept peacefully. I watched as his chest as it rose and fell. I noticed the way his lips were so soft and kissable. I imagined myself kissing them. I smiled to myself as I realized that I could kiss them any time I wanted. Those were my lips, my Edward but I felt a looming shadow over me.

Those weren't my lips or my Edward. Other women had kissed them while I had my claim over them. Over women had heard whispers of lies from his lips as he promised that they were the one. Other women had claimed to have made love with him while he was supposed to be in love with me.

Other women-other women, how many had he been with while I laid in bed waiting for him. I had only caught him once but what if there were many others. What if I was one of his playful toys his simply had a good time with? I knew nothing about this man and I had been with him for two years. The more I found out about him the more it disgusted me.

I had been so weak; I just couldn't let him go. I just couldn't. I almost had him out of my house and life but I let him come back and fuck it up some more. I just let him back in with not so much of a fight; I might as well have thrown him a party for cheating on me. That would have been more affective then the fight I gave him and the attempt of leaving him.

I threw myself out of his arms. I had to get away from him. He poisoned me and I constantly let him do it.

I had to get out of here. I blindly searched for clothing to put on. Whatever was closest I put on. I ran out the house with my purse hoping to leave behind all the pain I felt just being there.

I got in the car and drove blindly in some direction holding it would take me closer to happiness and farther away from pain.

Minutes passed and they slowly turned into hours.

I focused on the road of my head trying to just thinking about driving and nothing more.

I didn't know what I wanted anymore or what I should do anymore. Everything was blurred together into this giant mess.

I wanted to love Edward and marry him. If before the incident you had asked me where I saw myself in ten years I would have said children with Edward. It was simple, Edward was my future. I didn't need anything or anyone else. As long as Edward was with me I could face the world.

But after seeing him with her, I didn't know what I saw in my future anymore. I still wanted to say Edward was my future but every time I thought that I cringed. Because when I saw my future with Edward I saw myself pining for Edward and him not loving me. That wasn't I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. I saw my life filled with lies and denial.

My future was a blur and I didn't know if I had to give Edward a chance or rip him out of my life.

The flashing lights and cheers pull my thoughts back to reality. I had driven myself to San Francisco. The city of lights, the home of the fruits and nuts you could say.

It was four in the afternoon and there was something going on. What was going on?

There was a disarray of colors and flashing lights. There was music thumping in the background causing my heart beat to ring in my ears. I saw smoke rising then slowly dispersing in the sky.

The street came to an end, marked off by signs and caution tape. I stirred my car towards the pavement and parked.

I studied what was ahead of me. There was trash and emptiness. There were rainbow flags hung up in pride.

It was the 29th, gay pride was today. I laughed to myself. How ironic of me to be here. I was here to stop thinking not be greeted by the love and pure adoration of happy gay couples.

Everything made sense now, the street being cut off, the rainbow flags and the music.

There were people scattered around. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves. They seemed to be so carefree and unaware of anything. I envied them.

I clutched the stirring wheel in frustration. I would give anything to just stop thinking for a few hours. That's all I wanted, just a few hours of freedom.

I felt something break. It wasn't the stirring wheel so it must have been something else. But I didn't care. I got out of the car and decided for once to find out what freedom was like.

I followed the scattered people up a street and down another. I was hit with a strong odor of alcohol and weed. It was a thick and chapped my throat as I breathed in. but I followed the people regardless of the pain I was in. I welcome it. It was a little bit of sin in my too perfect clean soul.

We finally made it a street fair. There were booths set up in rows that seem to be endless. They offered a Varity of everything.

There were people everywhere. Every step I took I bumped into someone. The crowd was thick with sweat and anticipation.

"Here take one."

I looked up to see a girl staring at me. I looked at her face and found myself smiling automatically at her. Something about her eyes made me feel fire and excitement.

I reached out for whatever she handed me.

I finally looked at the flier. I felt my face flame.

"Haha, they're glass dildos. There actually really cool and pretty. There's the website on the…" I finally looked at her as she kept rambling on about the pluses of having a glass dildo.

"I buy one."

"Really!!" Her whole face light up as if I had just agreed to pay her a million dollars. I followed her over to her booth.

"You know you'll really like them. I mean between me and you…" I didn't pay attention to her words at all. I kept telling myself how stupid I was for buying a glass dildo. What I was I going to do with it? Hang it in the garden and when people came over I'd tell them it was a bird feeder or something?

But I tried to get rid of those thoughts. I just tried to pay attention to the girl who was excited to finally make a sale.

She really was pretty in an odd way. Her Black hair stuck out in every direction giving her the illusion of being a young child dressed up to be a pixie for Halloween. Her outfit didn't help counter that looked. She was decked out in sparks and rainbows. Her bikini top was rainbow with glued on sequences. Her jean miniskirt was frayed and a bright neon pink. Where did you fine miniskirts that color? She had rainbow beads bracelets that when from her wrist to her elbow. She also had necklaces to accompany the bracelets around her neck. I was surprised she wasn't weigh down by that much jewelry.

We walked over to her table and I was assaulted by a sea of dildos. They all varied in color and size. There were some a mixture of rainbow or pictures. They were like stain glass but in a dildo formation. They were quite pretty.

I quickly selected the first some that I saw and paid for it.

She put my newly purchased dildo in a bag and handed it to me. "Well, here yah go." I smiled at her and made my way back to the sweaty crowd.

"Wait!" I turned around to see her shouting for me, but I was already swept into the tide of people unable to fight the current.

"I'll see at the main stage later!" I gave her thumbs up to show her that I would be there. She nodded in satisfaction and went back to handing fliers to the unexpected.

Where the hell was the main stage?

I continued to shuffle the pace of the crowd as I looked at the booths that pass me by. There were places to buy clothing, meet a porn star and sign up to support the gay community.

This place was indescribable. Everything unaccepted jammed into a couple of blocks. But the funny thing is in this place everything deemed unacceptable was welcomed here.

You felt safe here, like you could let your soul out and no one would dream of trying to catch it.

There people of all size and race that just came to welcome everything. Young and old gathered here to celebrate freedom of love. I felt my inner hippie come out. Maybe it was the fact that I wanted love so badly that this place felt so safe.

I tumbled through the crowds. There were people everywhere. They ranged from naked to dress in full leather. There were these girls in fairy costumes that sprinkled glitter everywhere. They reminded me of the girl I had met earlier. She said she'd see me on the main stage? Did that mean she wanted to see me again?

I as I wondered around I fiddled with my bracelet. I looked down at it and saw the various charms that Edward had gotten me over the years. I felt my rage steam over. I hate this bracelet. The only reason I wear it is because he got it for me.

I fumbled with the claps and threw it on the ground. There you didn't have any control over me. You didn't control what I wear or like. I'm free. I watched a chubby 15 year old boy trample over. The dust cloud that he created came hovering back onto the ground and coated the bracelet. You could barely tell it sparkled now.

Why did I get so angry over a stupid bracelet?

Maybe it was the fact that that bracelet showed that Edward did not know me at all. I hate bracelets and charms are for 15 year olds. But since Edward thought it was cute I wore it. I did everything for him and nothing for myself. He wouldn't even take me to on the Farris wheel when the carnival was in town. I loved the Farris wheel and always begged him to take me but he refused because it was boring.

I had to stop thinking about him. I would not think about him again. I'd just focus on the booths. That's right, the booths. Maybe I'd get a tye dyed shirt. I nervously looked at my glass dildo.

Two hours later, ten pound fatty food was in my stomach.

I had bought a sundress and put it on since it was unbelievably hot now. I was carrying bags and bag of random stuff. I bought bird house, some cool breaded bracelets and whatever else that seemed to be fun looking. I felt so not Bellaish. It was nice.

I threw all the stuff in the car and ran back to the booths. I still had to go to the main stage. I managed to find out that the main performance would be starting soon and hopefully I'd see that girl again. Maybe she'd be my friend. God knows I need a new friend that didn't associate me with decaf coffee, cotton white and well written literature. I saw the crowd moving in the opposite direction.

The music grew louder.

I didn't really know what I was doing but I was getting away from who I use to be. I followed the crowd hoping they could blindly lead me to happiness.