"The Search for Gannon"
A Lost Episode of "Dragnet"
By Michael J Paluka (Xebot)
POLICE SERGEANT JOE FRIDAY ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.
FRIDAY: This is the city. It's a cold and lonely metropolis of
four million people. Every morning kids wake up
screaming; dogs are barking; people make their eggs and
toast; when they decide to toast someone else, that's
when I go to work. So bring your ID and plenty of cash 'cause
I carry a badge, and I DON'T take American Express.
Today is Monday. I'm officer Friday. I just got a note.
It was the kind of note I had seen before and it said the
kind of thing those notes always said...only this time it
was different.
A sect of perverted liberal morons were holding my
partner, officer Gannon, hostage. I knew they were morons
because they included a self-addressed, stamped envelope.
My first lead.
I asked to take the case ... someone said "OK".
I followed their trail all the way into the hills outside
L.A. I felt like I was in a different time. All around
me were filthy, sleazy tents. I approached the sleaziest
one. It looked like a swamp...the kind liberals come
from.
THE SCENE IS IN A MILITARY STYLE TENT. TWO PEOPLE, HAWKEYE AND
TRAPPER JOHN, ARE SITUATED NEXT TO A HOME-FASHIONED STILL.
ENTER SERGEANT FRIDAY.
HAWKEYE:Nice of you to join us. Have a drink? They're free. We
make up the difference treating ulcers on the side. We're
surgeons...anything you want removed? We're recommended
by nine out of ten rabbis in Korea.
TRAPPER:Hawk, there aren't any rabbis in Korea.
HAWKEYE:Then who are the people with the funny hats who
keep shooting at us?
FRIDAY:You're some real tough cookies aren't you! Well, I've
seen tougher guys pushing popcorn at the airport!
HAWKEYE:Hey, Trap, is this one of your long-lost uncles?
TRAPPER:Couldn't be...he doesn't shave his legs.
HAWKEYE:Maybe he's Judy Garland. Can you sing "Melancholy Baby", just for us?
FRIDAY:Couple of weak sisters, eh? Do you punks know what this
is? It's a badge, man. My name is Sergeant Friday. I'm
the fuzz!
TRAPPER:Hear that, Hawk? He's the "fuzz"! Now we can finally
make authentic Fuzzy Navels!
HAWKEYE:Trust us, sergeant, we're surgeons. And you won't even
miss your navel...it grows back...at least that's what I
tell all the nurses.
FRIDAY:You're real cute. I'd like to shove this cute gun down
your throat sideways. What are your names, punks?
TRAPPER:Hawk, did he call us punks? Better watch it, you're only
a sergeant and we're captains.
HAWKEYE:Yeah, we could give you latrine duty after Frank and
Margaret finish playing "Sink the Bismark!"
TRAPPER:It's my turn! How about next week, sergeant?
SERGEANT FRIDAY IS WALKING THROUGH THE COMPOUND AND IS APPROACHED BY
CORPORAL KLINGER
KLINGER:Halt, who goes there?
FRIDAY:Hold it, lady. I'm just looking for a friend.
KLINGER:That's what all the G.I.'s say. I may be no lady but I'm
certainly not that kind of a lady, either. Listen, sir,
I'm a genuine pervert, unfit to defend this marvelous
country...just sign right here where it says SECTION 8.
FRIDAY:I'm not in the Army.
KLINGER:A spy! I thought your eyes looked funny. Don't move or
I'll shoot...you're coming with me!
FRIDAY ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE
FRIDAY:I must be getting old. I had just fallen for an old
trick. This Toulouse-Latrec in panties had just pulled
one over me ... and it stunk. When we arrived at their
headquarters they removed the panty from my face.
COLONEL POTTER IS SEATED IN HIS TENT
ENTER FRIDAY AND KLINGER
KLINGER:Colonel Potter, I caught a real spy!
FRIDAY:Detective Gannon! What's going on?!
POTTER:Don't call me gannon again or I'll give you a sex-transplant with a tit-mouse!
FRIDAY:You've been brain-washed!
POTTER:To brain-wash you i'd need a basketball for an enema
bottle.
FRIDAY:Watch it, Gannon, or Potter, or whoever you think you are.
I can have you thrown off my TV show anytime!
POTTER:This is MY TV show, Friday! And I'M in charge! I'm
giving you latrine duty until the end of this war ... except
for thursdays, I promised them to Trapper; that's when Frank and Margaret play "Sink the Bismark".
FADE OUT