Lists
Roderich Edelstein, she writes. After a moment, she rubs out Edelstein.
Kind
Loving
Romantic
Talented
Intelligent
Loyal
"No," she mumbles. She knows the reason she's doing this is to be honest. With a sigh, she crosses out Kind.
He's only kind to those equal in status to him. He wouldn't be so kind to her if she weren't in private school, if she were one of the public-school slobs he has no patience or respect for.
Then…does he really love her, she wonders? Is it all for social and monetary gain?
No. She knows with all her heart that he would not use her. He is not a liar. She adds Honest to the list, a soft smile on her face.
But does that count as loving? He's not one to show his affection. He's taken her on a couple dates, but sometimes the awkward, silent air nearly crushed her. His way of asking her out was through a friend of hers. He's never given her flowers or chocolates, not like…
No, she commands herself. He doesn't come until later.
Shaking her head a bit to rid herself of such thoughts, she brings herself back to the task at hand. Is he loving?
Well, he loves her. She knows that for a fact. That has to count for something. But with another resigned sigh, she crossed out Romantic. She nods solidly, moving on.
No one can deny that he is talented and intelligent, not even his many enemies. He's at his highest point when he sits down at the piano. She loves the way his long, pale fingers slip delicately across the ivory keys, creating beautiful melodies as they work. It's a favorite pastime of hers to simply watch him practice.
Loyal. Honest. There's no hesitation in her mind as she passes the two over. He's never even glanced at another woman since they began dating. He's only had eyes for her; it makes her feel even guiltier for what she's about to do.
Gilbert
Stubborn
Moronic
Idio
She stopped, realizing that those weren't good things. She erased it and tried again.
Funny
She paused. Why was it so difficult to think up good things about Gilbert? Certainly, this wretched attraction couldn't be based solely on the fact that he could make her laugh.
He's kind, she thought. It was true; she'd seen him care for his bird like it was the most precious thing in the world. He was the only one who'd bothered to remember that one kid's name. At his public school, he was popular, but it was based almost solely on looks. Besides that, he was a player, one of the three womanizers in the school; they called themselves the Bad Touch Trio. They were close, and they'd never betray one another.
Kind and Loyal are added to the list.
A thought hits her. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Romantic is scribbled down. Because, despite her repeated rejections to his advances, he's always been the one to give her flowers, the one to walk her home after school (even though her school is a mile out of his way), the one to comfort her in times of need. The one time she's cried around Roderich, it was awkward. He'd patted her on the back a bit, but he couldn't give her much comfort. And she'd never dare complain around the high-class boy; it wasn't ladylike.
No, Gilbert's the one she can be herself around. She never has to worry about sitting up straight or keeping her emotions locked in around him. She's cried twice around Gilbert, and both times he'd made her feel a thousand times better. Her complaints always go to him, even – no, especially when they're about Roderich.
She could forget about being a lady around him. She could let loose and be free. And it was almost never awkward around Gilbert.
Freeing
Forgiving
Allowing
It was difficult to describe well, she notes as she crosses out all three, but she knows that's why she loves him. He doesn't make her be someone she's not.
It's what he was trying to tell me all along, she realizes. When he said Roderich wasn't good for me.
Pushing the thoughts out of her mind, she looks over the list.
Gilbert
Funny
Kind
Romantic
Freeing
Forgiving
Allowing
Finally finding the right words, she adds Loves me and not a lady.
Is that all? she wonders. There's got to be at least one more.
Understanding. He knows her better than she knows herself. It's how he was so easily able to comfort her. He had been able to tell she was upset from the moment he saw her; she'd had to tell Roderich.
Looking both lists over one last time, she knows what she has to do. It won't be easy to lose Roderich. She still loves him, and he, of course, still loves her. But…
She could never be happy with Roderich when she could have Gilbert. And she believes Gilbert loves her more than Roderich ever could.
With finality, she folds the paper neatly and tosses it gently into the trash. She texts Roderich.
Meet me in the courtyard before school.
After a couple minutes, the reply comes.
Alright.
She doesn't get much sleep that night.