I miss you.
I stoked the hair of the fragile boy in my lap gently, a longing in my eyes. I fingered through the spiky mess, taking in its sleek and smooth texture and watching as it glimmered slightly in the dim light provided by the stars above us, which seemed to be more dull than usual. They didn't twinkle as bright that night, as if grieving for the loss of life along with me.
The boy, cradled in my arms, always used to gaze at the stars when possible with a glazed look in his eyes. He would point and gab about how he had wanted to travel to a star one day and capture a piece of it in a jar, that way he could always stare at the stars, no matter the time of day. I had always laughed and told him that it was never going to happen and the boy would laugh along, but you could tell that it was forced. I miss his unrealistic fantasies.
He had a special star, a star that he would look at more fervently than the others. The star was a faint glow in the sky; it appeared much smaller than the others and had a reddish glow to it. I would say that the boy should pick a prettier star to fawn over but the little man would shake his head violently and claim that the star was probably much more beautiful than the others, just too far away to be appreciated. I thought that was bull at he time but wouldn't say anything more, afraid to upset him further. I miss his view on the underdog.
At the moment, I felt so …different. Previously in my life I was always consumed by either anger or happiness. I truly believed I was a strong person earlier. I thought that I could withstand anything that came my way. Today, I was proven wrong, so horribly wrong.
I felt nothing and thought nothing although there was always that tinge of pain and sorrow in the back of my head. I didn't think that tinge would ever go away completely. To me, it was as if I wasn't really living, just a carcass sitting on earth, inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide now and again.
Every thing was numb, as if life had gone and sprayed the anesthetic on my emotions. Of course, as mentioned before, there was the stinging hurt residing as well. I felt an emotionless chuckle rumble up my throat and echo around me in the quiet and seemingly empty landscape as the memory from just hours ago resurfaced.
It was around eight o'clock and Roxas normally came to get me two hours ago so that we could sit in the clearing in the forest and talk. It was Roxas' favorite place to be since the bustling city's loud roaring couldn't be detected from out here and, of course, because he got a view of the sky above him. The city sounds used to comfort me in a way, but frightened Roxas a bit as he had grown up in a quiet town. I would always tease him about his childish behavior and he would puff out his cheeks and pout, and then punch me in the arm. I would laugh and he would finally catch on that I really was just joking and he would join me. I miss his musical laugh.
Anyways, Roxas had yet to reveal himself and drag me off to the clearing so I figured he already headed off with out me. I planned on scolding him and telling him how pissed I was just to see his guilt covered face and to hear him apologize. It really was too much fun to mess with his mind.
It takes about an hour to get all the way to our little sanctuary so I figured I'd enjoy the surroundings. I shuffled through the forest, listening to the quiet murmur of the creatures around me. If you thought about it, it was incredibly similar to the city's roar, only on a smaller scale and much more peaceful. The animals were at harmony with one another and they're sounds were that of music. We were always clashing with each other, horns honking angrily and old women reprimanding people and fellows arguing along with the occasional screams of terror. Not so musical. I guess that spending so much time with Roxas out here had changed my view point on the city. I, however, was disgusted by our way of life, unlike Roxas who was just timid and scared.
I was almost to the small patch of bare land where Roxas and I chill when I heard a groan. That groan sounded too familiar and it didn't take me more than a second to put the puzzle pieces together and realize that groan belonged to Roxas. Panic took over my body and I began to walk in a quicker pace, dried leaves underneath my feet crunching from the impact. I hear another groan and my face contorted as I started running.
It seemed that even though I was running, it was taking unbelievably long to reach the destination. As minutes passed by I became more and more frustrated. By the time I got to the clearing, it had only been about two minutes since the time I heard the first groan but those two minutes seemed like hours to me.
My eyes investigated the grounds searching for the boy I had come to call my best friend. "Roxas…?" I had called out only to be answered by another incomprehensible groan. My gaze instantaneously snapped to the direction of the noise and it landed on the log that Roxas and I had used a bench. I hesitantly slinked over to the dead tree and was prepared to let sarcasm take over.
Sarcasm always made situations easier to cope with. It covered up for you when your feelings were hurt. It let you say something you meant but couldn't say point blank. It lightened up moods when there was conflict. It could be used as a hurtful insult ,as well. Sarcasm was probably the best notion in the entire world. That's why I used it so much. It helped me. The same thing goes for why I was always smiling.
"What? Someone kick you in the balls? I know it hurts and all but…you probably deserved it." I said, my voice much more nervous and high pitched than I planned on it being. I couldn't force myself to grin like I normally did. Something was off; way off. Roxas merely whimpered in response. Like said; way off.
I inched closer to our bench and saw the one thing that had been able to scare me lifeless since I met Roxas. I saw Roxas, curled up clutching his stomach, eyes closed and his lovely face scrunched up into the most heart breaking and terrible pained expression, complete with blood. Blood, soaking his shirt where he was groping on his stomach, and trickling down his chin from his mouth. My eyes widened and I feel to my knees next to the boy.
"Roxas! What the hell happened!" I said, removing his hands from the wound so I could look at it. It seemed as if he had been shot.
"I wanted to be by myself to think and a guy came. H-he shot me." He managed to croak out.
"What? Why?" I shouted out, alarm pouring out.
"He-He said that I had to pay for leaving the family. I'm sorry, Axel. " He croaked out. His voice scared me, the look in his sky blue eyes scared me- they all hinted that he knew that he was going to die. I was scared; so unbelievably scared.
A nervous laughter erupted from my mouth. "For what , buddy?"
"I should have told you" he basically moaned out. He sounded like he was in so much pain. He flipped his head the other direction, as if ashamed to look at me. I miss his stand offish behavior.
"What , Roxas. Tell me!" I demanded while turning his head to look back at me.
"My family….I had a responsibility to own up to….they…."
"Come on, spill it." I smiled at him, trying to reassure him. I guess it didn't work because as soon as I faked it he looked so sad.
"They never loved me. I was a bastard child and they made sure I knew it. They would…would…They would do terrible things to me…terrible…" he gazed upward as if reliving the moments. "I ran away. I couldn't take it.. There was nothing I could do, honestly!" He defended himself as if he expected me to push him away knowing this. Tears filled his eyes.
I was astounded. How could a boy like him, so caring and honest and good hearted, have grown up with these crimes of hate applied to him. I didn't even want to think of what they did to him. Most people who had things like this happen to them grew up to hate the world and yet, Roxas was filled with such optimism and hope. I miss that optimism and hope.
"SO THEY HAD SOMEONE KILL YOU?" I roared like the bustling city Roxas feared so much and he cringed. I felt guilty for raising my voice now.
"Axel…I don't…" he trailed off. "I don't want to spend my last minutes on earth talking about my parents" he said and looked up into my eyes. Emerald met the sky.
"You're not going to die, Roxas." I stated.
"Axel." He whined. Normally, I would have laughed at the childish tone in his voice but this was far from normal.
"No, Roxas." I stated again. He sighed but I knew that he didn't believe me. He groaned again. This reminded me that I needed to get him to the hospital. I knew that I couldn't run all the way to the hospital and back in time so I figured I'd pick him up and take him there.
I began to base my arm on his back and he pushed me away. "I don't want to die any where but here." He said , determination filling his eyes.
"Roxas! You're not going to die!" I raised my voice again, but this time it was nervous again. I knew he was right. He only had a couple of minutes left. His breathing became ragged.
Tears welled my eyes up and blurred my vision.
"Hey, Axel…" he groaned again. "the star…the special star…" he looked up at it "It's name is Axel…"
Tears ricocheted off my face and onto the green grass underneath us. "Si-since when, Roxas?" I spat out.
"Since...always…" he said and a blush crept across his face. I became confused but said nothing. He grinned up at me even though he was in so much pain. I miss that grin.
"Hey…Do me a favor… will you?" he managed between each gasp of breath he let out.
"Of course, anything you want." I say the tears still pouring down.
He did his mischievous grin again. "Kiss me." He said. I was shocked at his request but I still did it, and it wasn't as if I didn't enjoy it or want to do it either.
I pulled his body up and pressed my lips against his as gently as possible, fearing hurting him. I put my tongue in his mouth and tasted the blood that was present. Then, as gently as before, I pulled away. My tears dampened his face but he just smiled anyways.
"I always knew you were gay." He said grinning from ear to ear. I laugh at his remark and he begins chuckling but then stops as a violent fit of coughing breaks his happiness. Blood splatters on my shirt but I don't care. I hold his face close to my chest.
"Always the smart ass , aren't you Roxas?" I whisper. He is unable to respond because he is still coughing up his insides.
He stops coughing and lays his head on my thigh. Fatigue took over his body and he no longer moved anything but his face. His chest rising up and down quickly as his breath becomes more and more dangerously shallow.
"Axel- you need- to- know- you need- you need – to – know –that…" he chokes out between each breath. His eyes begin to flutter closed and he struggles for consciousness.
"You need to know…" he whispers before his eyes roll back into his head and I no longer hear his raspy breath.
"Roxas?" I whisper. No response. "Roxas..?" the nervous tone in my voice comes out.
"Roxas?" my voice becomes louder. "Roxas!" I scream out his name.
"You have to tell me! What is it! Roxas!" I call out and put my hands on both sides of his face.
"Roxas! Tell me! Tell me! Roxas!" I continue shaking him. "Wake up , buddy! Wake up! Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up." Tears run down my face again and I'm enveloped in sorrow as I repeat the same thing over and over again.
Suddenly I become irrationally angry. "Roxas! Wake up goddamnit! ROXAS! TELL ME!" I scream "YOU'RE NOT DEAD. STOP MESSING WITH ME!" I roar at the limp body. Then I realize that, if he was watching me right now, he'd be frightened. I'd remind him of his scum parents and the terrifying city. I'd be every thing he resented. Immediately, my anger floated away.
I began to stroke his hair and note all the things about his beautiful features, that way I'd never forget. I began remembering the good times we had.
I sat there, in our clearing, just remembering for hours. Not once did I move except to stoke his hair or face. I listened to the sounds that Roxas made me appreciate. The birds and the crickets and the rhythmic rustle of animals moving seemed to be singing songs of woe in its own way. I sat there and gazed at he stars who meant so much to Roxas. I looked at Axel who was shining so brightly compared to all the other stars. Axel's brightness made me think that maybe Roxas was up there right now; Up there on Axel making it shine so bright with his optimism, and sarcasm, and hope, and unrealistic dreams. It also made me think about why Roxas had named it Axel after me. Was it so simple that he just named it after me because it was my name or was there more thought to it than that? Was it that he saw something beautiful in me that no one else did, the same way he saw it in the star? I personally liked the later one. Either way, I still appreciated it more than Roxas would ever believe.
--
I ended up staying out there for four days until my friend, Larxene, came out and found us there. Of course she was shocked and there were many more tears that was given to Roxas. I made sure that those asses that hurt Roxas for so long were prosecuted and the man who shot him turned out to be his uncle. Death penalty.
Ever since that day, I never enjoyed going to the city, it scared me how it scared Roxas. The clearing became the place where I spent most of my time and every night, I would gaze up at the stars.
Axel never shined as bright as it did that fateful day and went back to its original dimness, but I was able to see the beauty in it.
If there's one thing I can say about this entire encounter, it's this :
I miss Roxas.
--
(a/n) Okay. That's the end. Yeah , yeah, I know. Depressing. But, you know what? We all need a little depression every now and then.
Ummm…I thought of this while I was taking a shower today and I really liked the idea. It was a lot sappier than I originally planned on but…oh well.
REVIEW PLEASE!! I need to know what I messed up on. :3