Hey guys!

So, I thought I'd do a parody of "Twilight" with ugly vampires. NOT FOR PEOPLE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR!!! Let me make it clear, please don't slag me off, 'cause it was just an idea that I thought might be funny. That's all. I still like twilight!

Ok, so you guys might be a bit confused- I've decided to skip some bits, and only do the ones that stand out for this story. The line shows when the bit is over.

Please review, as long as it's nothing nasty: S

(When Bella first sees Cullens):

I was sat at the crowded lunch table, surrounded by people I didn't know, and I was expected to make conversation? What should I say?

I searched around me, frantic for a subject to talk about.

That's when I first saw them.

They were sat on a table by themselves, not eating anything, just looking around into the distance.

One thing struck me about them. They were all...how shall I put this... incredibly unattractive.

From the looks of it, the oldest male, with dark, curly hair, looked to be on some kind of steroid, he was so bulked up it wasn't buff any more, it just made him seem...lumpy. His shirt was also too tight. He must have felt my gaze on him, because he grinned at me suddenly. I bit back a shudder of disgust, as he licked his lips, and put his arm around a skinny, tanned, blonde girl, who looked as if she'd been using the sun bed too often. Even at this young age, her lips were plumped to such an extent that she had obviously had some Botox at some point.

Next to her, there was another male, whose hair flopped over in eyes, covering his face, and he was dressed in complete black, shivering while a girl with some serious eating issues, and hair that had been cut with a lawnmower wrapped her arms around him, trying to stop him shaking. An emo and a completely unstylish person. That lunch-table was really something...

There was one more person sitting at the table. His eyes burned into mine, a flat yellow colour. In fact, all the people sitting at that table had yellow eyes... such a strange colour. They must all wear contacts. He had flaming red hair, that looked like it hadn't been brushed in a few days, and I think he might have even worn some... lipstick or something, because his lips were unnaturally red. His lips twisted, showing his teeth that were twisted crookedly out of shape, and jutting out from his gums. That can't be comfortable. He had braces, but they didn't seem to be working, because one of his front teeth was at a complete 90 degree angle, bent up so that it came through his lip. He stared at me, his nostrils flaring, and his eyes widening like something out of a bad movie.

Alrrriiiggghhhttt... ok, so everyone on that table was a little weird...

(Biology class):

I arrived late for biology, and the only seat was one next to "Edward Cullen" Jessica had said he was called.

I sat cautiously in my seat, in case he decided to bite me with those teeth of his.

He turned to face me, and stare at me once again, and I nearly passed out from the smell.

It was like... rotten eggs, and decaying corpses... gross! Did this guy have any hygiene?

My nose involuntarily wrinkled at the stench, and I leaned further away from him. How could I spend the rest of the lesson next to him? It would be torture!

(The Meadow):

He led me through the forest, occasionally stopping every now and then to clutch onto my arm, like he thought I was going to fall.

"Umm... Edward?" I asked.

"Yes, my love?" He replied.

"Err... can you get your hand off me please. It's starting to freak me out. Besides, I'm not going to fall. I'm not really very clumsy" I told him. Everyone in this own seemed under the impression that I was, despite the fact I hadn't fallen once.

"Right. Sorry" He said, removing his hand.

We took a 5 minute journey through the woods, until Edward stopped me.

"Come see this" He said excitedly, then pushed through a gap in the trees.

I followed him, only to be greeted with a dump yard.

"This is where I like to spend my time" He told me, walking over to me and wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

Well, that would explain the smell...

"Bella" he breathed in my ear suddenly. "I don't know how to tell you this but... you sing for me!" He said.

Umm... did he just ask me to sing for him?

"Err... alright. I don't like you bossing me around like that, but I suppose I could sing for you. What shall I sing?" I was a bit nervous. Singing wasn't really my forte.

"No, no" he said. "I mean, your blood sings for me" he amended.

"Ah. Of course. How silly of me. Err... why? Are you a cannibal or something?"

"No, Bella. I told you. I'm a vampire"

"Umm... Not really." Oh god... he's nuts.

"Yes. Now let me prove it to you. You must see me in the light!" He yelled suddenly, and then turned to me.

"You wouldn't mind waiting here for a minute, would you? I just need to prepare myself" He said, then ran behind a tree, being "subtle" while he took off his shirt, and rubbed something on his face.

"Alright, I'm ready!" He shouted, and jumped on top of a skip full on rubbish, exposing himself in the light.

His face was glittering, shining in the light.

"Wow" I breathed, stunned by the sight. How was that even possible, unless he was a vampire. That couldn't be possible, could it?

I walked slowly to him, and touched his face gently with the back of my hand. To my surprise, the glitter came on in flakes.

"You aren't a vampire" I said. "That's roll-on-body glitter. I have some for when I go out to parties."

Strange boy...

There you are. Rubbish, I know, but an attempt at vague humour. My mum thought it was funny.

Please review, as I love to hear what you think :)

Lots of love,

Deany-Bob101