Disclaimer: I Own Nothing
Holding Grudges Just To Help Us Sleep
"It's not my fault." The sixteen year old girl whispered to herself, tears cascading down her cheeks. "It wasn't me…"
Five months and two days. That's how many times this scene has played in her life. She'd almost had permanent tear streaks. Every night it hurt this bad. But every night she tried to tell herself it wasn't her fault. It rarely was. And finally, after an hour or so, she'd drift off to sleep.
"I didn't do anything wrong..." She breathed, before her heavy eyelids finally took control and dropped.
The puddle of tears soaked into her pillow. Every night since that wretched day, it had been damp whenever she awoke. And every morning, it killed her to see the damage from what that eighteen year old star had done.
--
He tried forcing his eyes closed. The picture of her beauty floating in his mind. He couldn't let go. She gave him such good memories. But things started falling apart. As much as he wanted to stay, his heart had moved on, or so he thought. Apparently, he'd fallen out of love. But was it possible?
He said the words that could make any lovesick girl break down. "I don't love you anymore." So, he left. With his brothers and her heart. The heart he thought he'd lost these days. He never told her how or why he stopped loving her. He'd left her wondering. And that's the worst thing you could do to a girl.
But now, he wanted it back. He had it, though. He just didn't know. He'd have to search for it. Dig deeper. But he didn't. He gave up. He thought she moved on. He thought her heart belonged to someone else's, but it didn't. Could he understand that? You can't fall out of love. You can't just forget.
Go to bed, Shane. He thought to himself. But just like every other night, her laugh, her smile, her face stuck there. And he wanted her to leave. But then again, he didn't. He didn't want to close his eyes and fall asleep, the fear of her leaving forever haunted him. He didn't want to forget of her. But he thought it'd be best. Which it wouldn't.
This happened every night. Ever since they had… separated. And at first, he thought he was fine. Then he found her everywhere. He knew she was a star. He knew this would happen. But not only was she on the radio, T.V., billboards, everywhere, she was in his mind. In his room. Even some of her things were left in his car. He never did have the guts to return them to her.
Her face could light up a whole room. Possibly the whole state. He quietly groaned and pushed himself up into a sitting position, eyes closed, leaning back on the dashboard. He'd figured, if she was everywhere, she wouldn't leave when he closed his eyes. And she didn't.
He loved her so much. And he still did. So why was it so hard to admit to her face? He rocked softly, the only sound was the bus running over small rocks on the road. He had to get some sleep. He couldn't perform like this. But he couldn't get over her, either. What was more important to him? Her, the love of his life, or his career. Sure, he loved his job. Only eighteen and one of the most famous people in the world. But he always stopped and thought, What would happen if he never got famous. If he met Miley, anyway.
Sometimes when he thought of it, he imagined a perfect life. Him and Miley kissing and cuddling every minute. His brothers and her best friends gagging jokingly and smiling at their cuteness. Then he compared it to when he was with Miley, just the past. A smile always crept on his face. In a way, it was exactly the same. Except sometimes they were interrupted by his brothers walking in and telling him some important news.
But was it so important that it could even interrupt his moment with Miley? He loved the girl. He did. He does. And his life seemed so close to perfect back then. And now his life seemed so… opposite. So wrong. Even he seemed different. He wasn't happy, funny, weird Shane Gray, anymore. He was bitter, sarcastic, rude Shane.
But no one on the bus blamed him. How would they feel if the best thing that happened them had slipped away after one unfortunate mistake? He wanted his old self back. Everyone did. But it seemed impossible. And so far from where he was now. What would he have to give up, to get to Miley? To get to his love.
But, right now, he was willing to. He didn't know if he'd regret this later, but right now, it seemed like the best decision he'd ever even thought of. He knew his brothers would be reluctant at first, but agree. He needed this. He needed her. Needed to hear her laugh. See her smile. Hear her joke or tease him. And of course, Alex and Mitchie would agree. They'd stayed in touch with him, although their best friend was crying every night for him.
They kept him updated. He died every time he heard how she was doing. Just because it wasn't well. It never was. So what was he doing? Why was he waiting? He was scared. Scared she wouldn't allow him back in. Scared his life would just tumble underground. It had already hit rock bottom. And he was scared it would just go right through it. Because, really, he actually didn't know if she had moved on or not. Sure, the two girls said she missed him deeply, but did she really?
"Your so weird!" The brunette laughed freely, sitting peacefully on the sand.
"Am not!" He shot back, sticking his tongue out as he trudged back to her.
She giggled and playfully rolled her eyes at the drenched boy. "Whatever you'd like to believe!"
His chuckled, staring at the young girl, the moonlight bouncing off her perfect form.
"God, Miles, stop laughing at me!" He whined jokingly.
Miley smiled up at the boy as he shivered from the cold salt water. She held up a hand and he grinned, pulling her up. "Would you like to go for a swim, too?"
"Um, I'd rather have a dance…"
"Fine! We can do both!" He wiggled his eyebrows before grabbing her bridal style and running toward the ice cold water once more.
She squealed and clung onto the older boy. "Shane!"
Once he was about waist high he looked at the beautiful girl, a glint in his eyes. "Shane, whatever you are planning on doing, don't." Miley warned, poking his toned chest.
He smirked. "I'm sorry, Baby." And with that, he dropped the screaming girl into the water.
Seconds later, she resurfaced, gasping for air. "SHANE GRAY!" She screeched, shivering, her hair falling past her shoulders.
He chuckled and hugged her, only to be harshly pushed away. "Gosh, it's times like these I regret saying yes to you." She said teasingly.
He pouted. "Mileyyyy!"
She giggled and hugged him, only for him to start swaying. "God, you weirdo."
He laughed. "You said you wanted to dance!"
"And you said you wanted to swim."
"Exactly! So, it's a win-win situation."
She rolled her eyes and smiled, laying her head on his bare shoulder. "I love you, you know?"
A soft smile played his lips and he pulled her closer. "I know, Miley… I know…"
Before he knew it, tears brimmed his eyes, threatening to fall. He looked at his cell phone longingly. He wanted to just pick it up, punch in her speed dial, which was two, and confess his love for her, all over again. He'd beg to have her back. But it just frustrated him how he couldn't.
God, Shane, how hard can it be?
He took a deep breath and exhaled, picking up the phone and holding down two. The ringing echoed in his ears, and every single one pulsed more nerves into his veins and more butterflies into his stomach.
"Hello?" The beautiful melodic voice groggily answered.
His heart stopped and his breath hitched in his throat. The last time he'd even seen her was at the Golden Globes. They were so close, and it caused him to literally stop breathing. She looked beautiful. As always. When brown met blue, her eyes grew an inch and she started to fidget with her hands. But as she glanced at him more and more, the boy couldn't help but look, too.
He rarely got to see her in person, anyway. Was it his fault he was so attracted to her? But when he saw her on T.V. there was always that look in her eyes. The look of sadness. But she always had on a smile. A fake smile, that is. And it killed the heart-broken boy to know he was the one that caused all the pain and depression she was going through.
"Um… hello? It's kind of three in the morning." Her southern accent adding a twinge in his heart and making it flutter.
"M- Miley…?" Shane said, barely above a whisper.
There was silence on the other end. Other than her uneven breathing. Why was he calling? And at three?
He didn't know what to do. Her not speaking only added to his nerves. "Miles… How are you?" Wow, nice going. Ask her the worst question possible! Well, actually, I could probably think of questions worse…
Miley thought of things she could yell at him, but she figured what's the point when you could just give him one word that could be filled with emotion equal to her scolds. "Great." She answered him coldly.
But even through her ice, he could hear her hurting. He winced. She'd never spoken to him like that, before. But things were different now. That's what you get when you don't call in five months and two freakin' days.
"Mi, I miss you…"
"Thanks…" She replied calmly after a long pause.
His eyes wandered. "I'm sorry… About everything…"
"Shane, why are you calling?"
He could practically see her eyes. The blue water color changing into a tsunami.
Seeing she probably was numbering his minutes, he decided to get straight to the point. "I still love you."
After a long silence, her bitter laugh was heard. "Shane, you can't come walking back into my life after you've already ruined it."
He flinched. "Miley, please-"
"If you think you can convince me, you're wasting your time."
"Miley, what's wrong with us?!" He said, angst bubbling into his chest. He was determined to get her to believe him.
"I know my problems. It's just you who should be worried." She spat.
"Look, I know I'm messed up. And I know I'm a jerk. And I know I'm everything bad in the world."
She sighed. "Sadly, you've hit everything."
"But I know you did love me. If you don't love me, now. And I'm asking to do your first love one more favor."
She closed her eyes, trying to block out… the world. She wanted to just disappear. She was gradually getting better, until now. How did he know he was her first love? Not disagreeing that he was, because it's true.
"Fine." She sighed unintentionally.
"When you were in love with me, you always said you loved me because of who I was. Now, I changed. And if I change back, I keep wondering if you'd love me, again."
"Shane, what are you talking about?! You fell out of love with me. Not the other way around."
"Are you saying you didn't move on?" He inquired hopefully. When he didn't get a response, his confidence boosted. "Miley, I want you to help me go back to the person I used to be."
"You want me to change you back."
"Back to how I was when you were there for me."
She blinked away tears, but they just fell down her finally dried cheeks. "Shane, I never left your side. But you kept running."
He bit his lip. "Miley, I know it's been so long since then, but please."
"Are you asking for another chance?" She questioned incredulously, tears blurring her eyesight.
"I can't live like this anymore! I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't me. Just so I can fall asleep, not feeling bad or guilty. It doesn't work."
She quietly gasped. The thought of how their lives have been without each other stung her. They were so alike.
"Sunny, we're both stubborn." He said, using his nickname for her when they were just eight and six. "And I don't want to hold this grudge anymore. I know it's my fault, and I'm not going to lie to myself anymore."
"How ridiculous were we?" Miley let out a watery laugh that confused Shane.
"What do you mean?"
"I've been doing the same thing. And-"
"But, Miley, it's not your fault."
She hugged her blankets tighter to her body and rolled on her side. "You know how it feels when you lose something so important to you, and you start blaming yourself for everything? That's what I was feeling."
He closed his eyes, trying to prevent the tears that lingered in his eyes. "Miles, please. I want to be the old Shane, again. When you were always around me, and we were both always smiling. Smiling real smiles. When we were there for each other."
Miley stifled a sob. "Shane, I'll run after you."
And with just that one sentence, both of them cracked a smile through their tears.
Didja like it?!?! haha, i just noticed I wrote Didja like NINJA! okay. I'm done. lol. I LOVE the song, I strongly suggest you listen to it! It's by A Rocket To The Moon! And no, that is not a band. Haha. It's just a hot dude. LOL xD Okay, I'm done lol. Hope you liked it!
Okay, so I got the name from a song called Fear Of Flying. I just love that line! The actualy lyric is "Back then when we were stupid and held grudges just to help is sleep" lol, but that's obviously too long! Anyway, I love this song. This oneshot has a few referrals to the song. Like maybe a few lines resemble the song, a lot. But yeah, this was in third person! I usually rarely write in third person, and I think I made a onesht in third person before, but yeah. lol. So, this might not be that good, but I think it'd decent enough for you to read! Hopefully. lol. And the flashback is pretty sweet! : D