Owen made his way to the OR. It was his last day and he somehow got roped into one of the longest surgeries he'd done in months. He knew perfectly well why, April had been smart enough to take the day off and come say goodbye later. Actually, now that he thought of it he was here to say goodbye, but he was also here to keep an eye on Amelia. He had Edwards feeding him updates on her growing denial and how bad it was getting, she wasn't letting him close enough to see it, so he'd had to get someone to do the dirty work. It was hypocritical and frankly low to get a resident to spy on her, but he figured this way at least someone was there for her. Amelia hadn't made friends here in Seattle so no one else would think to check on her. Most people had somehow forgotten that she'd lost a brother the day Meredith's husband died. Everyone was grieving the loss of their friend or teacher or doctor and despite how screwed up things had become, he knew Amelia was devastated. Under her comedian façade she was in pieces, barely together, like a pile of leaves on a windy afternoon. The sad thing was, he felt like he was the only one to notice that, so when he'd made the choice to go back to Iraq, he made sure Richard would keep an eye out for her. He'd seen him already trying to get her to talk, with little results, a few times and he knew he'd often looked out for her. This – he'd told himself – was the reason he'd come in today, to see her with his own eyes before leaving. The hope was to talk to her, but he knew the chances were extremely slim with that one.

That was before he'd ended up taking the trauma and being stuck in surgery. He was well into his fifth hour when he started to think about the possibility that this was going to go on for longer than Amelia had to be at the hospital, while he was aware she was basically living here anyway, he also knew she went out for a walk most days when her shift ended. Owen didn't have the kind of time to chase her around Seattle, when she was so easily reachable in the hospital. Then he remembered. She was operating as well, removing a brain tumour that should be done in a couple of hours. His day just got a little brighter. It started with the horrific realisation that he was heading into the desert in late spring, he'd lived there before sure, but the torrid heat from spring and summer was something he had absolutely not missed since he moved back home. He kept operating, glancing at the patient's face more often than usual, he was feeling distracted, but knew there was no way out of this one, not today. They were now indefinitely down a general surgeon with Meredith disappearing off the face of the earth and April gone, he couldn't drop the ball as well. Luck finally seemed to turn his way – not the patient's – when the monitors started beeping wildly and, after a quick damage control in the abdomen, he and Wilson decided it had to be a brain bleed causing all this trouble.

"Page Doctor Shepherd STAT." he ordered in the general direction of the nurse standing by the tray holding all the pagers and phones. After about thirty seconds, when nobody gave him any news he urged them again. "We need neuro or this man is going to die in a few minutes."

The nurse was furiously texting back and forth. "She can't come, they told me Doctor Nelson is twenty minutes out."

"This man doesn't have twenty minutes!" he bellowed, he was more than aware the nurse had no fault in what was going on and he hoped against all hope this wasn't Amelia trying to avoid him. She was better than that. In a desperate attempt he looked at Wilson. "When was the last time you were on neuro?"

Her eyes bulged. "Oh no. No, no, no. It was a long time ago and I wouldn't be able to do anything without inflicting anymore damage."

Owen sighed, the monitors were still beeping wildly, he couldn't do it. He could do it in the field when it was a man's last chance, but this was a hospital full of specialised doctors and he couldn't risk leaving this man with deficits because of his personal life. "Page Shepherd again!"

The nurse resumed the frantic texting and a couple pagers beeped. "She's out Chief. I can't get a hold of her."

"Isn't she operating next door?"

A few more nurses got on their phones trying to get information, it was taking way too long and the man on the table was facing permanent damage if someone didn't get here now. "Doctor Edwards is finishing up in there." Another nurse offered looking up.

Owen frowned, frustration and helplessness were literally frying up his nerves. "Where the hell is Shepherd? Why isn't she in there?" he wasn't opposed to letting resident do, but she couldn't just leave her there to her own devices, without supervision.

"No word."

Wilson looked at him, hesitant to open her mouth. "Doctor Hunt. I think Doctor Edwards could be able to do this. She's been spending a lot of time in neuro."

Owen's shoulders fell. Today was turning out to be awful. April had had the right idea. His current dilemma was whether he should operate on this man's brain leaving him almost certainly with deficits or let a resident do the surgery. It wasn't a catch twenty-two, it was a freaking nightmare, the silver lining was the fact that – at least in this very moment – he wasn't the chief of surgery and therefore didn't have to deal with the aftermath. "See if Edwards can come now and get a hold of Shepherd."

The same nurse from before updated them, a little too enthusiastically, on how she was closing and another resident was taking over for her. When she walked in everyone sighed in relief. Having her operate didn't equal to a full recovery, but he was in – allegedly – better hands now. Not showing an ounce of hesitance or fear Edwards moved to the head of the patient and instructed the nurses to help her reposition the man for emergency brain surgery. While this had definitely calmed Owen, who was incredibly relieved not to have to get his hands in a brain – something he hadn't done since his early residency – there was still that other issue. He looked over at the nurses and interns. "News on Shepherd?"

While everybody shook their head Edwards looked up. "You haven't heard?" when everybody shook their heads puzzled she exhaled slowly. She'd been a first row spectator to whatever it was that Hunt and Shepherd had going on and, for just a second, in her head popped up the ethical question of whether she should tell him. After all it was protocol. Then he not so kindly urged her to share with the class and she didn't have a choice – or so she told herself. "She collapsed. A couple of hours ago, we were in surgery she was operating and she just collapsed, she mentioned her back hurt before, but she seemed fine. I don't know what happened, I don't know anything else."

Owen's heart started beating furiously. He didn't hear the comments or concerned questions or more useless updates on how nobody knew anything. His head was underwater, everything was blurry and the sounds echoed off making it impossible to distinguish the words. The glint of one of the instruments was what broke him out of the trance he was in, upon focusing his eyes he realised it was Wilson shaking her hand to get his attention. Owen breathed in deeply you're a soldier, you're a soldier, you're a soldier, his own personal mantra was keeping him from losing it and he looked up judging how bad the situation was. He gave a nervous laugh when he realised it was good, good enough. "Okay," he said walking backwards ripping mask and gown from himself. "Wilson you keep an eye on the sutures and then close him up, Edwards use Wilson as an assist and please, please don't screw this up. Page me if anything happens."

When Amelia woke she was in bed, in a hospital bed to be precise. At least she was sure of that, because the rest was all kind of foggy, her whole head felt foggy. It hurt. She was in pain and she couldn't remember what happened or why she was just laying there in a hospital bed. She was no stranger to waking up having no idea how she got there, but generally when that happened there was alcohol and pills involved. Amelia squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them up again in a valiant attempt to get her memory back and, of course, there was always the hope that when she opened them back up she would somehow find herself somewhere that made sense. It was only a few minutes after waking that she noticed the IV in her arm, that was definitely new, glancing at the label on the bag she realised it was just saline. She closed her eyes again desperately trying to retrace the steps of her day. She'd woken up early to prep for surgery, she'd been planning to let Edwards do most of the work, but she had to be ready all the same. Quietly ignoring her growing sense of worry, she wondered if she had, after all, done the surgery, she didn't remember a single thing about it and it was endlessly frustrating. Her back hurt and she was having bad cramps, really bad. Now that she thought of it she'd had cramps yesterday too and the day before, they were worse than usual, but she hadn't given it much thought. Now, though, they were bad. She needed to know what was going on now, right now. Because she had a surgery to get back to.

As if on cue Arizona Robbins walked in, looking way too cheerful for her taste. "Hey. How are you doing?"

Amelia had to count to ten, slowly and with her inside voice, the embarrassment of laying in bed in her scrubs was downing on her more and more by the second and the chirpiness was getting to her. She had to get up, walk away and busy herself with medical stuff, medical anything. Maybe she'd get a few interns to laugh at her jokes in the process, they were the only ones that still hung around without continuously glancing at her with that horrendously frustrating and annoying mixture of pity and morbid curiosity. She tugged at the IV in her arm. "I feel fine." when Arizona raised her eyebrows she suddenly realised it was Arizona right there with her. "I'm okay. Why are you here? I mean you, why not someone else? Is everyone so scared of being near me, is everyone scared that I'm contagious or something?"

Arizona was taken aback by her attitude, sure Amelia Shepherd wasn't very famous for her bedside manner, but her immediate defence was surprisingly telling and she felt for her. The need to be extra tough and untouched by the horribleness of the world was something she was sadly all too familiar with. "Uh, Richard was about to come in, but he got paged and I just happened to be the only grown up walking around. He said you'd be grumpy and a resident wouldn't be able to handle you, so here I am."

"Is something very, very wrong with me? Because I have surgery." She said curtly, the attempt to be polite was evident, but she was still failing so bad she was just making Arizona's point – Richard's, but still. "Unless I'm dying, I really have to go."

Arizona sighed. The Shepherd hard head was apparently hereditary. She gently placed the tablet far, far away from Amelia's reach and sat down on the chair near her bed. It was painful to her to see someone go through what she had, not to mention how Tim died serving his country, while Derek died because of some moron that stole a medical license. She could see it in her eyes, hard and unfocused, just how much she was suffering. "Look, Amelia-"

"If I'm dying just say so, no need to sugar coat it. I can handle it." she said, avoiding her gaze.

Arizona shrugged. "I don't know if you're dying, but-"

Amelia groaned, hastily pulling the IV out of her arm. She had to get away. There was a reason she liked working with interns and residents – apart from Edwards – and it was that they didn't care, they just wanted to learn, to get drunk on medicine, to feel the high of cutting a human brain and fixing it. They didn't want to talk like Robbins, like Richard, they didn't sneak glances at her when they thought she wouldn't notice like Owen and they didn't want to talk about feelings and life's curve balls like all those people at meetings. For the first time in her life she liked interns and, as it turned out, interns loved her. "I don't have time for this, I have surgery, so whatever happened I'm sure it was just-"

"Stop it." Arizona stood, internally chuckling at how her tone was the same she used with kids. She looked at Amelia pointedly and she sat back in bed, crossing her arms. "You lay back down and listen. You passed out in surgery, you were operating and you collapsed. So that surgery is gone, Edwards finished and did a great job." When Amelia's eyes bulged, in obvious surprise, she relaxed. She finally managed to get her attention. "Amelia you can't do this to yourself. You've been working everyday almost all day long, it's not healthy. Not for your body and not for you, if you keep this up soon enough you won't be able to do surgery anymore. You have to eat and sleep regularly and get out sometime anywhere that is not this hospital." She sighed. She knew what she was about to say was a risk, but, while at first she'd decided not to say anything, now she had to. Amelia needed her to say it. "He wouldn't want you to do this to yourself."

Amelia's face hardened, more than it already was, she looked like a stone statue. The tiniest tremble in her lower lip made Arizona feel like she had done the right thing. "What do you know about what he would want? He's dead, buried six feet under, he can't want anything. He doesn't care now, not anymore."

"You're right, he's dead." Arizona reasoned, she was no stranger to self-destructive tendencies, but she knew Amelia took self-destruction to a whole new level, one that endangered not only her but her patients as well. "When my brother died I didn't take it that well either. It took me a very long time to be okay with him being gone. I didn't react in the best way. Then someone asked me, if I were the one who died, would I want to see the people I love wasting their life-"

Amelia gave her a hateful look. "I'm sure it worked like a charm. That's what they told me after my father died. I got something similar when my fiancée died, right beside me, some crap about how he would have wanted me to move on and-" she was spitting venom, but when images of her teeny tiny baby filled her brain her heart clenched painfully and a lump formed in her throat causing her voice to crack. "I just don't care. I'm done caring and I'm done listening, I'm obviously not dying so-" She sat back up, fully intent on leaving and either hiding out or getting her hands into a human, cutting and patching up. She needed the rush, she needed that rush, otherwise her cravings would get the best of her. Right this moment, cutting and teaching and being the favourite attending amongst the little ones in the hospital was enough of a high, without the need of narcotics. Despite her unstable state of mind, she still didn't want to go down that road. She couldn't.

The second she sat up, though, a sharp pain shot through her abdomen all the way to her lower back. Amelia winced and curled on herself as much as she could while sitting up. Instantly, forgetting their conversation, Arizona put a hand on her shoulder and helped her lay back down. She knew it must really hurt because Amelia made no move to resist. "What hurts?" she asked in her doctor voice.

Amelia was breathing through her nose, trying so hard to will the pain away, she knew she could compartmentalise pain, but she compartmentalisation ability right now was greatly diminished because of the horror show her life had become. Her hands were gripping the obnoxiously light blue sheets of the bed. "It's nothing." Arizona's face told her, without the need for words, that she was used to lying children and lying grown children made no difference. "It's just cramps, okay."

"It looks like it hurts way too much to be just cramps." She said matter of factly, switching her doctor mode completely on, she took out a flash light and began doing a basic exam on Amelia. Something she resisted, claiming she was fine and she was a doctor, she would know if she was sick. "Will you just let me do this? Don't make me call Hunt because you're refusing to get treatment." For some reason unknown to Arizona that particular threat was more effective than anticipated. She thought she would have had to add who will take you off surgical rotation, but it hadn't been necessary.

Amelia, resigned, laid back trying not to put up a fight anymore. The pain she was feeling was not even close to bad enough to think something was seriously wrong – it was nothing compared to labor pains – but it was definitely more than usual. "It's just period cramps and back pain and a headache." She sighed, despite making a serious effort to be cooperative, she still wanted to go and busy herself and her brain. "If I promise to take it easy can I go?"

But Arizona wasn't listening to her anymore. Instead, she was standing and deeply focused she grabbed the tablet scrolling through with her finger. Amelia was following her eyes closely, it looked like her brain was working a thousand miles an hour and it was weirdly fascinating, she wondered briefly if she pulled the same face when she was thinking.

"You, my dear, are anaemic."

Amelia snorted. "Well, of course I am, I've been bleeding for days. Tell me something I don't already know."

Arizona had to physically calm herself. After trading peds, she'd slowly remembered all the reasons she'd chosen it in the first place. On the medicine side fetal surgery was endlessly more exciting as in peds she ended up most of the time with appendectomies and swallowed toys and marbles. It was the patients, when she told children they needed to be examined the only complaint she ever got was fear of needles, while with adults it was harder. Treating adult doctors was a test of her well known patience. "I mean dangerously anaemic. More than you should be and those cramps are no good."

Amelia shrugged, she looked like a child on a sugar high, if it wasn't for the obvious pain in her abdomen she probably would have already left. "What if I promise to have a big – huge steak for dinner and… oh, and spinach."

"And take iron supplements?" Amelia nodded vigorously. "No. That's not going to happen. Have you been sleeping at all? Are you stressed?" she asked while she started hooking up monitors for blood pressure and heartbeat. "Have you eaten anything at all that is not sandwiches and chips recently?"

Amelia wrinkled her nose, but found she had to think before answering. Not just because she was out of smart ass answers, but also she really didn't remember. "Not really. I mean I haven't been all that hungry lately."

"Not hungry as in sick?"

"No, just not hungry. I eat before I have surgery and every time I do get hungry and trust I do get hungry, a lot." She confessed. It was news to her too.

Arizona nodded. She was so not qualified for this, but peds was a little like general surgery on tiny humans. She checked the blood test again, but everything else was within the acceptable range. "Alright, now lay still, I have to examine you."

Amelia complied, shifting slightly as Arizona's hands pressed on all of her organs, one by one, asking every single time if she was feeling any discomfort or pain. She was a doctor, she knew the drill, but right when that thought creeped to the front of her mind she remembered the power struggle she'd gone through with Herman, another doctor convinced she knew how to treat herself. So, she relaxed and let Arizona do her job, actually this wasn't her job. "Can I trust you know what you're doing? I mean how long ago was the last time you treated a grown up?"

Noting her sarcastic tone, Arizona smiled. "Shut up or I'll get a resident to do this." the look on Amelia's face told her she was about to whip out one of her super sarcastic remarks, so she beat her to it. "Oh, you know what? This is a great teaching opportunity maybe I should call in the interns-"

"Fine, okay, I get it. Seriously, though, how long has it been since-" Amelia doubled in pain, pushing Arizona's hand away from her. "What the hell was that?"

Arizona ignored Amelia's insisting questions and took a deep breath, not realising she was standing in front of a doctor and that the smile she was about to plaster on her face was only going to make things worse for her patient. Gently she pushed Amelia's shoulder back down on the mattress, trying to look as comforting as possible. She moved her hands to finish up, but Amelia grabbed her wrist. "I won't push down, but it's going to hurt. Just… just try not to move so I can finish up quicker."

She nodded. So, something was indeed wrong here. Amelia swallowed the lump in her throat, whatever was going on with her she could handle. It's not like she really had anything left to lose so – God, it hurt. Doctor's orders, she tried to stay as still as she could, holding on the sheets with all her might. "Is it bad? Arizona, what is it?" she asked through gritted teeth.

Instead of answering she held up a finger, clearly gesturing to wait, and she picked up the tablet with the blood test again scrolling through. Looking not at all satisfied, she faced Amelia, whose eyes were growing bigger and bigger and the smile on her face faded, it was obvious something was not right and Amelia must have started to realise that as well. So she sat near her bed, making a point to treat her like a patient and not a doctor. "There is a mass in your lower abdomen and the blood test is inconclusive, though the white count is normal so I doubt you have anything to worry about. Is there any chance you might be pregnant?" at Amelia's utterly taken aback look she went on rambling. "All the symptoms you mentioned are all compatible with PMS, if we take the mass into consideration it all fits with pregnancy."

"No." Amelia looked at her like shed just grown a second head. Without conscious permission from her brain her hand travelled down to the spot where – supposedly – this mass was. It wasn't that she didn't trust Arizona's judgement, but she had always been one of those people who didn't believe something unless she could see or hear or touch it. She could definitely feel it there. "I'm on my period, I can't be pregnant."

Arizona sighed. "It's not uncommon to experience period like-"

"No, I know that. But I'm telling you, I'm not." Amelia insisted, this was the last thing she needed right now. On second thought, why freaking not? Her life was turning into this really weird roller coaster ride, the one with ghosts and monsters and ugly, horrible, devastating turns, so it was entirely possible that unplanned pregnancy could be added right after dead siblings and missing family. "Isn't it in the tests you have there?"

Arizona shook her head irritatingly. "Whatever idiot resident ordered the tests just ordered a CBC and it's not in there." She narrowed her eyes pensively. "So, you could be pregnant, is it even remotely possible?"

While her first instinct was to say no again, hoping it would somehow make it true, for the second time today she had to think about it. She had to count the days and weeks and months. Her heart sank when she realised that it wasn't impossible, highly improbable, but within the realm of possibility. Her hand flew up to press on her temples, trying helplessly to relieve some of the pain and release some of the frustration building up right now. "Crap." This was such a mess. Although with all the bleeding and cramps and… "Am I miscarrying?" she asked and upon hearing her voice she realised she was right about to cry, it was watery and broken and scared. The hitch in her nose and the burn underneath her eyes were clear tell-tale signs that she was about to cry, really cry. She didn't even know, but the perspective made her feel, feel things she couldn't, not on top of everything else. "Why not, I could also lose my job while I'm at it."

Arizona looked up from her phone with a sympathetic smile. "The lab still has your blood, I put a rush on it." whatever it was she was hoping it wasn't bad news. Not more bad news. She didn't know Amelia all that well, but after losing her brother and her sister in law disappeared with the kids it couldn't be easy. As far as she knew she still lived in that beautifully enormous house all by herself. She looked at Amelia, but her face was turned, eyes fixed on the ceiling above her, however she didn't miss the glimmer in her eyes, which just made her feel so, so sad. "Is there anyone that I can call?" smartly avoiding adding the father.

And Amelia smiled. That same smile that was permanently plastered on her face whenever she was busy joking about – "You mean like my dead brother? Unless you're willing to hold a séance I doubt you can. You could call Meredith, not sure she'd care, even if you did manage to find her."

Arizona sighed. It sucked to be Amelia Shepherd these days and today could actually make it all so much worse. She looked at her phone, unsure of what to do. The blood would take still a good half an hour, even if she'd put a rush on it, all urgent tests still had priority. She looked at Amelia and thought about all the vast range of ways she could make her feel better, she needed to make her feel better and she wasn't sure it was even possible. After losing Tim she felt it, the constant ache of living with the loss and, according to Amelia, she was more than used to it, which made her feel even worse about it. This year was probably the worst year in a really long while. Maybe as bad as the plane crash one, the one she'd thought was the worst, but finally things were back on track. And now everything was falling apart all over again. For her and everybody else around. She did the only thing she could think of, she took Amelia's hand in hers and held on. It made her feel a little better, right until it didn't. Amelia was wiping tears and breathing shakily. "Hey, hey calm down, it's okay."

"This is not okay," her voice was watery and her eyes were sad and resigned, but anger was coming off of her like sharp knives. "This is so not okay. I can't be pregnant, not now…"

Arizona smiled genuinely. She knew all about unexpected pregnancies. Unfortunately, she knew all about miscarriage too, but she wasn't about to mention that until she knew that that was the case now. Out of the blue she had an idea, one she berated herself for not having sooner. She stood way too fast, letting go of Amelia's hand. "I could do an ultrasound now, it won't be conclusive, but it's a start. How does that sound?"

Amelia seemed to consider it for a few moments. She remembered her first ultrasound vividly. That same ultrasound she had delayed for weeks because she was scared. It wouldn't have mattered a thing starting prenatal care sooner in that case, her baby still wouldn't have had a chance. In a true effort not to repeat her same mistakes she nodded, not entirely sure, but enough to convince Arizona who gave her a dimply smile and rushed out with the promise that she'd be right back. There was not one cell in her body that remotely believed this was really happening, not a single one. This morning… she didn't actually remember this morning. Oh, that was because this morning started at one am, when one of her patients coded, and she hadn't gone back to sleep, save for a nap. She'd had a gallon of coffee, like usual, and went about her day. Now that she was alone she pulled up her scrub top a little. She looked, she looked really hard to see if there was anything to see. As far as she could tell there was no difference, no swelling, nothing at all. Her hand found its way there once more. Without putting any pressure, knowing it would only cause pain, she place it swiftly under her belly button. She could feel something and putting the slightest pressure, she could definitely feel a mass. Or a baby. Or what used to be a baby. Feeling her stomach turn at the mere thought, she pulled her hand away and pulled her top back down. Her chest was heaving, the notion that she might be pregnant was terrifying for a number of reasons, not even counting her past. In the last couple of months she hadn't been sleeping or eating or living with any respect for her body or, really, her life. It was a coping mechanism and she'd allowed herself that, it wasn't idyllic, but as long as she could find a way, any way, not to give into the cravings constantly tugging at her she'd just go with it.

A soft knock sounded on the door and Amelia felt a sense of utter relaxation come over her. In a few seconds she'd know and whatever it was and she'd deal with it – her own way, that is. Turning her head, though, she realised it wasn't Arizona, but Owen.

This is the first of what is turning out into a two-shot, I hope (I keep writing and it keeps getting longer and longer). It sounded like an interesting idea in my head, but i'm not sure how it's turning out to be honest. However I would as always love to know what you think, because for once I'm feeling really insecure about this thing. Also I apologise in advance for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I have reread this before posting so many times I have it memorised, soo yep.

Thanky you as always for reading and part two will be up in a few days. :)