A/N: This will be two or maybe three chapters.

A Time For Honesty

I know I shouldn't be here. I know down to the marrow of my bones that I shouldn't be here. But I cannot make myself leave, just as I couldn't keep myself from coming. It appears from the happy expressions on the guest's faces that this is indeed a joyous occasion. But I just can't feel that emotion today. Not only because of the pain I feel in my chest but also from the pain I know that I've caused Chuck.

I shouldn't be here, I think to myself for the tenth time since I snuck into the upper balcony of the United Methodist Church.

Why did I come here, I think to myself. But then I see him. God, he looks so good to me. But he doesn't look happy. I see he's trying to look happy but I know him. I know him better than I know anyone in the world. And because of that, I know how he's feeling. And I know why.

He's standing right beside Devon. I see the difference immediately between real happiness and pretend happiness. As I look at Chuck's face, I suppress a sob from escaping my soul. There is a wonderful man. A man that was happy and well adjusted, even if he wasn't aggressively pursuing his dream. He was content. At least until I came along.

Why did I have to come to LA? Why couldn't I have been sent to some other assignment in some other city and never have laid eyes on a Chuck Bartowski.

Why did I accept that new assignment? Was I so afraid of what I began to feel for Chuck that I had to turn tail and run like some coward that couldn't even face up to the school bully?

Why did I let him kiss me that night? Or everything that followed? Why couldn't I have just treated that night like any other night? Why did I need to feel his lips on mine and his body pressing into mine?

The music starts and it pulls me from the whirlpool of my thoughts. I see Ellie walking down the isle. I have to smile despite my despondency. She looks so beautiful in her gown.

Then I do something that I've not done since I was a little girl. I imagine that I am walking down that isle and I am going to say my vows with my soon to be husband, Chuck.

In my emotional state it is easy for me to daydream. I see myself walking towards a smiling man who looks as happy as Devon had just a few minutes ago.

X=X

After the ceremony my new husband and I depart the church to a barrage of bubbles and cheers from our friends. I feel the bubbles snap against my skin and laugh at the exhilaration that this sensation adds to my excitement. We get into the limousine and drive away smiling and waving back to the crowd.

Lying against the leather interior of the limo, I look deeply into my husband's eyes, trying to find the foundation of his love. We kiss as he holds my face in his hands. Those soft hands that I want to feel caress my body for the rest of my life.

Our kiss ends and I immediately want to feel his lips again. I can actually feel my lips ache for his.

I smile at the adorable look of love on my husband's face, a look that tells me so completely without words how he feels about me. I just want to melt into this man, to immerse the fluid of myself into the pool of Chuck Bartowski and thereby so completely join together, mixing myself with the one person that has become necessary for me to continue.

X=X

I look up to see the groom kissing the bride and the ache moves from my lips to my heart. If not for the need to remain absolutely quite, I would have started crying. I can't believe I put myself through this torture.

That's when I see Casey. He's patrolling the back side of the church. I need to be careful or he will spot me. I reposition myself so that I can keep a closer eye on my former partner and stay out of sight.

As I watch Casey, I hear Ellie invite everyone to the reception just before she and her husband leave the church. I steel myself to stay true to my original plan. I promised Chuck that I would be at this wedding and I made good on that promise, even if he will never see me.

I see the crowd starting to depart the church. All I have to do is lie low for another ten minutes and then after everyone is gone, I will sneak away and get back to my assignment. But just when it looks like everything will go smoothly, I see Chuck talking with Casey in the back of the church. I see right away that it is not a personal conversation. It's work related.

I know it's a mistake following them out of the church, but I cannot stop myself. The thought of Chuck on a mission without me is disturbing. I don't know why I had not thought of that before. When I thought of Chuck it was always in the context of his personal life…never risking his life as the intersect.

I know when I return to my new assignment the knowledge of Chuck in the field will be difficult for me to deal with.

I wait until they leave the church but my suspicions are confirmed when I see Casey get in the Nerd Herder with Chuck. There was no way he would do that unless they were working.

I get into the rental and follow them being extra careful. If Casey's working he will be on high alert. I hang back farther than usual. It's risky but I figure if I loose them, I will still be able to find out where the reception is being held.

I follow the Nerd Herder to a community center and stop about a block away. This will not be easy, I think. It will take more than this black-hair wig to keep Casey from recognizing me. It's not Casey that I'm afraid of running into though, it's Chuck. With Casey it will be embarrassing to explain why I'm here but I can take that. If Chuck were to see me it would hurt him, keep him tore up that much longer.

Not to mention what it would do to me.

It takes me longer than expected but after about fifteen minutes, I make my way into the community center. Much to my relief, there is a kitchen and utility area designed to service the main hall without being obtrusive to the guests. It allows me a place where I can watch Chuck…just to make sure that he's safe, without being observed by any of the wedding guests.

I find Chuck in the crowd and look at him as though he was a tall glass of water and I had been days in the desert. I use that metaphor because I have a difficult time swallowing when I see him.

Chuck is seated next to a young woman who is much too attractive for my happiness. She seems to know him pretty well. She must be someone he's met since I left. I don't remember seeing any pictures of her during my time with him.

During my time with him, I think. I wish it had been my time with him but it wasn't. It was the CIA's time. Nothing brings that point home as much as the fact that I'm hiding behind this partition looking at him as though I was a stalker.

I watch Casey walk by and whisper something in Chuck's ear. He then goes to sit where friends of the family are seated. That's when I notice it. The young woman leans over and asks Chuck what Casey said. I didn't have to be able to hear her to know that that is what happened.

She's CIA, I say to myself. I feel a major pang of jealousy as I see her acting as though she was Chuck's friend. I had advised against sending in another female agent to protect Chuck. I told General Beckman that I thought another female agent would be too painful for Chuck to deal with. Just as I think that I see him look at her and smile. So much for what I thought, I think.

But just as I started to look around for Casey having been preoccupied with the pretty young agent sitting beside Chuck, I hear a familiar voice from just behind me. I close my eyes wishing I could just disappear.

"Agent Walker, I wondered when you would show."

I could hear the smirk in his voice without turning around to see it on his face.

"Casey, how are you doing?" There was no need in pretending that I had not been caught doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing.

He sat down beside me. "I've been waiting on you as a matter of fact. I almost thought I had been wrong about you." He looked challengingly into my eyes.

I couldn't help it, I bit. "Wrong about what?" I said.

"Wrong about disappointing Chuck. What were you going to do? Leave a note or piece of clothing to let him know you were here?"

I hated the fact that Casey knew me better than I seemed to know myself. Without looking at him, I reached into the front pocket of my Levi's and pulled out a handwritten note. I had planned on dropping it off at Chuck's bedroom before leaving. I handed it to him wordlessly.

He read it without comment and then proceeded to tear it up.

"Casey, what are doing?" I said in an angry whisper.

"I'm not going to let you keep the kid in a constant state of turmoil. If you want him to know that you were here…tell him." Casey challenged me again with his eyes.

I backed down. "I can't do that."

"Walker, what in the hell is going on in that head of yours? You suddenly decide that you have to be reassigned. After having one of the best months we ever had as a team. We were at the height of our success when you decide to leave…Why?"

For the first time since he sat down beside me, I turned to really look him in the eye. "I made love to him." I said it as though it would explain everything. Much to my surprise he answered me with a one word question. One word that carried more meaning than I've ever been able to comprehend before.

"So?"

"You don't see how that changed everything?"

"We had the best month we ever had…what don't you understand about results?"

"Casey, I'm sure you guy's are doing just fine without me. I think-"

"Shutup Walker. You see that woman over there beside Chuck?"

I turned to look at her. She seemed to be having a great time with him. "Yeah," I said a little bitchy.

"She's the third partner I've had to break in since you left. He finds some reason to ask for another agent. The first woman just didn't anticipate Ellie's moods like you did and so she had to go. Then there was Liz Stone, I think you even know her. She just didn't fit in with the vibe of the team. And now there's Kate Tyler." Casey's voice trailed off as he turned to look at the agent in question.

"She seems to be doing OK," I say.

He looked at me with a disgusted expression. "He's already asked for her replacement. But that's not what I care about." He waited until I asked the question with my expression.

"I care about results. Since you left team Bartowski has been in a slump. Chuck is off his game. He doesn't flash as often and when he does he misinterprets what he sees." Casey waited until I looked at him again before he continued. "He misses you and that's affecting his job."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Casey seemed to be asking me to reconsider leaving. At least it seemed that way to me. It made my head spin.

"I'm sorry Casey. But I don't know what I can do about that now."

"Talk to him," he said.

"What? I can't do that. It would just prolong the amount of time he's in pain."

"Sarah," Casey said and waited for effect. "I don't think you understand what you mean to him. I don't think you grasp the fact that this time next month or next year will make no difference with him. He pinned after Jill for six years and from what I understand from Ellie that was nothing to how he's acting now."

From somewhere within me I feel the thrill of knowing that I've not lost him. But then the sickening feeling of realizing that to have him would mean I would have to allow him to have me. To have access to who I am. To what I am.

I can't deal with that fear.

"Casey, I can't do what you want me to do. I can't be who he wants me to be. Don't you see?"

"Walker, he doesn't want you to be anything more than what you are. Just talk with him."

I start shaking my head. The longer I shake it the more pronounced it becomes. "I can't. I wish I could but I can't. Don't you understand," I say and realize that I need to keep my voice down. I look around and don't see Chuck. But that's not surprising since almost everyone is out of their seats now.

I stand to go. "This was a mistake. I should have never come here," I say.

"Walker, the only mistake you made was when you asked Beckman to reassign you. Think about that," John said.

I see by his expression that he allowed for no hope that I would. "John, take care of him. I don't want anything to happen to him." I say and turn around to find myself staring into the eyes of one Charles Bartowski.