ATTN: I don't own John McBain, Natalie Buchanan Or Michael McBain. They belong to the mouse. I do own any original characters I come up with.

New Years Resolutions

By Missy Fitch

John woke up slowly. Pain radiated from his whole body. He hurt...everywhere. He tried to open his eyes when he heard a voice speak.

"Don't try to open your eyes yet Mr. McBain. You were in a very serious car accident and your eyes need to heal." Said the disembodied voice.

That's when it all came flooding back to him. He was on his way to Atlantic City. He remembered the headlights coming towards him and then the close up of the big rig as it jumped the median and slammed head on into his car. The rest was a blur of pain and the sound of crunching metal. He tried to recall other details of the accident but everything was so hazy. Suddenly he remembered... He hadn't been alone in that car.

"NATALIE!!!!" He rasped out as loud as he could. Pain in his throat engulfed him as he spoke and agony became his world as he struggled to get to Natalie. She had to be alright! She just had to be.

"Mr. McBain you need to calm down. Please. Stop moving! You'll hurt yourself!" Again it was the disembodied voice he figured was a nurse.

"Natalie!!" He cried out again. His voice muffled by the bandages on his face but the word was still understandable. He heard the nurse calling for a doctor then he suddenly felt heavy, tired. His mind and body felt like they were being dragged down and then he fell into unconsciousness.

The nurse, Nurse Florance it said on her name tag, felt terrible for the man lying in the bed. He had been admitted to the Atlantic City Burn ward 5 days ago after an 18 car pile up. He was lucky to be alive. He had called for a woman named Natalie the minute he had regained consciousness and from his frantic movements and voice he loved this woman. Well she, Nurse Florance, decided that she would make every effort to find this woman. In her experience loved ones made the recovery process much faster.

When John woke up again the bandages had been removed from his eyes and he opened them gratefully. That was until the panic hit again and he looked around wildly. He was propped up so that he was partially sitting and he could see and feel that he was wrapped in bandages. Then his gaze landed on the figure in the chair next to him. It was Michael.

"Michael," He said as loud as he could, noticing his throat felt better. It still hurt but it wasn't agony to speak like it had been before.

Michael started, He looked around trying to figure out what had awoken him. His eyes landed on his brother and he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that John was awake and looking at him. That must have been what woke him. He smiled at his brother and said softly, "Johnny..."

John didn't smile back. Instead he said just two words..." Where's Natalie?"

Michael knew this was coming. He dreaded it. How was he going to tell John? It was so awful. "Look John you need your rest. You shouldn't be talking right now. You need to recover," he stalled for time. He couldn't stand to look in John's eyes when he told him...

"WHERE IS NATALIE?!" John demanded. His heart was frozen and about to shatter just from the look on Michaels face. He didn't really need Michael to tell him...

"I'm sorry John. She didn't make it." Michael whispered painfully. His heart bled at the look of utter devastation on John's face.

He knew the words were coming but still they hit him like a blow from a sledgehammer. The air left his lungs and he gasped for breath. Then the pain hit. Like a speed freak coming down off a week long bender his thoughts fragmented and he knew nothing but misery. It crashed down upon him and stole rational thought. Burning agony filled his mind and body and settled in his soul.

"NOOOOOO!" He wailed out and then the denial hit. "No! I don't believe you. She's fine. She has to be fine. She can't be gone. She just can't be gone. I didn't get a chance to tell her. I didn't get a chance to tell her!!! So NO she isn't gone!" He kept repeating over and over again, his brain refusing to accept that Natalie was dead.

"I'm so sorry Johnny," Michael said. He could see that John wasn't processing the news and continued on, "She was in the car when it exploded. You were thrown free. She didn't... She didn't suffer at all. The autopsy showed a head wound. She was killed instantly." Tears began to trickle down Michaels face as he saw John slowly begin to accept the truth. The look of utter despair and terrible anguish was enough to make even the coldest hardest man weep.

John looked at Michael and saw the truth. It hit him again with its devastation and he began to sob. Uncontrollable heart wrenching sobs shook his large frame. The tears flowed like a river from his eyes and fell unheeded to the bandages on his chest. "Natalie," he whispered to himself. The pain in his body forgotten as the pain in his heart took over. He raised tear drenched eyes at Michael and said, "I didn't even get to tell her..."

"Tell her what?" Michael asked softly. He felt John's pain acutely.

"That I loved her."

"But...But you were going to ask her to marry you..." Michael said with out thinking. At the renewed agony in John's face he immediately said, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said..."

"I was going to tell her when I asked her. I wanted to do it right." John completely ignored Michael's apology. "I wanted to put the past behind me and move on with my life, with her." Guilt flooded John's face now. "Its my fault," he whispered. "I got the woman I love killed!"

"No you didn't John. It wasn't your fault." It was breaking his heart to see John like this. So broken and in so much pain, emotional and physical.

Suddenly John became angry, "Yes I did! I asked her to go to pops grave with me. If I hadn't she would still be alive! I killed her, I killed her, I killed her, I KILLED HER!!!!" John shouted. Then suddenly started convulsing and the monitors he was hooked to began beeping wildly. "I KILLED HER, I KILLED HER...

John woke up with a start. His heart was pounding in his chest. He was filled with wild panic and he looked around frantically. His panic eased as he saw the woman next to him on the bed. "Natalie," he breathed.

Natalie woke up, sensing John's unease she asked, "John?"

His heart was still racing as he recalled his nightmare. Thank God Natalie really hadn't been in that car when he had that accident. It had happened over a year ago but he was still plagued with the horrible nightmares. Most of the time they were of just him in the accident but sometime, like tonight, that he dreamt that Natalie was with him and that she had died. Those dreams were the worst. "I'm ok," he said and pulled her tightly against him, holding her as close as he could get her.

"Another nightmare?" Natalie asked softly. She knew he still had them and it just broke her heart when he woke up screaming out her name and crying. She turned and wrapped her arms around him as well, holding him tightly to her.

"Yeah," John muttered. They stayed like that a while, taking comfort in the closeness they shared then John absently looked at the clock. It was 12:01. John smiled slightly and said, "Happy New year Mrs. McBain."

Natalie smiled back, getting a thrill, Like she always did, when he called her that. "Back at ya Mr. McBain."

John thought back to his dream and said to Natalie seriously, "I love you. I know I don't say it often enough but I really do."

"I love you too John," Natalie replied as she cuddled into his warm, loving embrace.

Silently John made a new years resolution to tell her more often and show her every day how much she meant to him. Because if there was one thing he got out of his dreams was that if he ever lost Natalie he would be lost. He would be nothing but an empty shell destined to wander the earth alone and pining for her.

That resolution made he drifted back to sleep and this time he had only good dreams.

The End