Once again, merci to Silver Pup for allowing me to take Silver Roses's events and write them from Morzan's POV. Basically a (second) look into Morzan's journal during those years with Selena. R and R!
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Day 20 of Remmus, 369 AR
Well, I have officially done it. As of today, I am a married man.
I'm still rather stunned, I think. A century or more of bacherlordom tend to set you into a certain mindframe. But, stunned or not, I am married to Selena. The wedding was today, in the temple of the Goddess Shai.
Surprisingly enough, it was Aderes who suggested Shai's temple as opposed to any of the dozen gods out there. He reminded me of the marriage customs of which I was raised with, as well as doing honor to the goddess to which Mother dedicated her life. He said it would be better than a royal wedding with Galbatorix presiding, seeing as Selena and I both come from dirt and might as well live up to it. That's typical Aderes for you—says something soft and sentimental, and then just has to bash your dreams apart with some scathing comment.
The statue of Shai in the palace temple is worn away now, the finely carved features eroded by time. The emeralds that are her eyes, though, still shine with their original glory. While the old priest kept droning on about love and fidelity and faithfulness and whatnot, I found myself staring again and again at them. It was almost as if Shai herself was in the statue, reborn into this world. Or Mother, perhaps.
Later, I took out Mother's bracelet from the box where I have kept it all these years. It was the only thing she had of value, the only thing that my bastard of a father didn't drink away. It was the only thing she could give to me when she died, as my inheritance.
I gave it to Selena. I made up some tradition about my religion giving a marriage gift or something like that, but the truth is that I think Selena can take better care of it than I ever could.
It's an oath for myself, too. Father was a worthless bum whose only gift to Mother was the slap of his belt. He gave us children the same, worse to some than others.
I won't be like him. Not to Selena.
Day 22 of Remmus, 369 AR
I received a letter from Triannon today, informing me about the state of my holdings. It still is in somewhat a state of disrepair from the time of my little fight with Gregor, and will require a few more weeks to brush up. She also informs me tartly that the place needs a great deal of redecoration, as too many men have set their grubby paws on the décor and not nearly enough women.
I suppose Triannon will have a nice surprise, then, when I bring Selena back to Norwood Manor. Together, they can completely overturn my 'overly masculine' holdings and turn the interior colors from blue-green to pink. Rip up my artistically weedy gardens and replace them with rosebushes.
If they do, at least I'll have a point of conversation over court dinners.
Day 23 of Remmus, 369 AR
I have no chance of getting lost in dreams anymore. Aderes keeps my feet firmly on the ground with his sulky sarcasm, and today Galbatorix oh-so-accidentally walked into me in the halls and asked me with an evil smile to help him do an overview of the palace accounts.
Ah, the palace accounts. Apparently, all the secretaries and accountants have crawled into holes and died because Galbatorix is going to do a complete overhaul of the past nine years, organize them, and see what policies he needs to change. With me included in the fun, of course.
Looks like a dull season ahead. I hope Selena will be all right, staying here until this wieldy job is done.
Day 29 of Remmus, 369 AR
Selena asked me today to bring her back to her grandmother's estate, as well as send a letter to her family. There's no reason not to, but I want to go after the accounts are completed.
She seems rather restless in her rooms, but it's too dangerous to let her out onto the grounds. With her marriage to me, she has been catapulted into the sunlight, making her easy prey for the gossipers, snide courtiers, and the rest of the Thirteen. Not to mention the Countess Amelia von Sviniya.
Still, I'll try to take her out sometime.
Day 35 of Remmus, 369 AR
I should have known it would happen, sooner if not later. Today, as Selena and I were walking in the gardens, we ran into Countess Amelia.
She is a nosy, vindicative bitch who would make it her business to find me out despite the circumstances of our last meeting. The way she treated Selena—like dirt, like something inferior—if Selena had not stopped me by leaving the scene, I honestly don't know what would've happened.
Later, in our rooms, Selena asked me about the countess. I was still seething, but the tone of Selena's voice made me look up. It almost sounded like she—well, like she pitied her.
I didn't ask, and she didn't explain. I have a feeling, though, that this is not over.
Day 39 of Remmus, 369 AR
The impossible has happened. The Grey Folk have come again, pigs have flown, and the world has exploded into ash and flame.
Aderes took Selena flying.
Can you believe that? I certainly can't. Aderes is a grump. He is sarcastic, vain, and bad-tempered. I'd never thought he'd like anybody well enough to let them sit on his back! Not in this life, not the next, not for all eternity. But once again, he has surprised me. Enormously, may I add.
Selena came back with her cheeks flushed and her hair wild, laughing from pure exhiliaration. I know how she feels—the first time I rode Aderes, I came down in fairly much the same state. It's wonderful that she got this experience. Perhaps Aderes will surprise me once more and let her ride again.
I caught a glimpse of her. She looked so wonderfully free, as if some weight that burdened her on earth had fallen away in the sky. A nymph, a spirit floating on the ether. A star that should never fall.
Day 42 of Remmus, 369 AR
I'm afraid the tapestry of the dining hall will never quite be the same. Neither will be that godsdamned Countess Amelia von Sviniya
She stopped me today, almost hysterical. It was extremely embarrassing—she cornered me in the dining hall and was screaming insults at me, her hair wild and disheveled. When I grabbed her wrists to stop her, she spat in my face and hissed, "Let's see how your little bitch will feel when you leave her as you left me."
I lost control, and to hell with propriety. How dare she? Who the hell does she think she is, to say such things to me, to say such things of Selena?
What followed next is a series of nasty magical accidents that I don't care to describe. All I can say is, the countess had better watch her mouth. I didn't maim her, for consideration of our past relationship, but I never want to see her face again.
Selena will not hear about this. I will make sure of it—if anybody tells her, I will rip out their tongues. See how well they can gossip then.
Day 43 of Remmus, 369 AR
The palace is a cage, and every person yet another bar in the frame. The air is stifling, and all these idiots can do apparently is hide around corners when they see me and resume whispering when they think I've gone. If I must stay here another moment, I will honestly go insane.
I asked Galbatorix for leave from the palace earlier today. He raised an eyebrow and told me rather pointedly that the dining hall tapestry was irreparable and cost around a thousand gold crowns.
In the end, though, he has allowed me to leave. I think I'll take Selena back to her grandmother's estates. That should take up enough time for this incident to fade from public gossip.
Day 45 of Remmus, 369 AR
I can't sleep, so I might as well write. We arrived at the grandmother's estates only to find a certain Garrow there. For a moment I feared it was an old lover of hers, some competitor to take my Selena away from me. But no, it's her brother.
He's protective of her. I think I am still a bit edgy from my encounter with the Countess Amelia, but I overreacted a bit when he started snapping at me, poking holes into my oh-so-fragile ego (thank you, Aderes, for that lovely comment). Still, he seems like a good brother to Selena. He has protected her well.
But in my marriage to her, the task has now fallen to me. Garrow will understand that by the time this visit is out.
Day 47 of Remmus, 369 AR
I woke up feeling unsettled today, but I can't quite remember what the dream was about. I do remember that I couldn't go back to sleep, though, and so stepped out of the house for some fresh air.
The sun was rising, and I found Garrow outside. He looked up at me when I exited the house, gave a small annoyed grunt, and went back to feeding the (many) dogs. It took longer than to be expected, as they were all distracted by my entrance and all had to sniff me suspiciously before settling down.
When he finally spoke, it was something in a low, gruff tone of voice. I listened, mostly—Garrow seemed to expect no answer, and I gave none.
Garrow is my brother-in-law. Despite the title, though, we differ so greatly in age it seems ludicrous that I should find him somebody worthy of respect.
I won't say he dazzled me with his sparkling wit, because the man has all the wit of a dirt wall. But that's what he has—good, solid common sense and finely honed instincts. He cares for Selena, and will trust me with the task he began simply because Selena chose me.
At the end of the (mostly) one-sided conversation, he turned away without a word and gathered the dogs' leashes. Over breakfast, it was as if the conversation had never happened. He did not mention it, and neither did I.
I think, though, that neither of us will forget it. It will come back, one day.
Day 49 of Remmus, 369 AR
Garrow and Marian left today. It has begun to rain.
I detest rain. It bogs everything down, and everything acquires a peculiarly unpleasant odor after a while. As Aderes hates to fly in rain, we will be stuck here until this foul weather stops.
Day 53 of Remmus, 369 AR
More rain. It seems as if the skies are determined to make everything as foul as possible.
How thoroughly unpleasant.
Day 55 of Remmus, 369 AR
We broke several barriers today, Selena and I. It's surprising, but also wonderfully pleasant in a way I can't identify. A way that no other woman ever was.
It started off with a fight. Selena evidently was rather bored with my general disgust with the world, and so this morning she shouted at me to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. One thing led to another, and eventually I said something about choosing the Countess Sviniya over her.
It hurt, I could see that. Mostly because almost immediately after the words left my mouth, Selena was on me, trying to bash my face in. It didn't work very well; I got her wrists pinned above her head and her body under me. She was still angry at that point.
Passion. It can be aroused by the strangest of things. Is anger passion of some sort, then? Is it a forewarning of lust?
No. I wouldn't call it lust—not completely, anyhow. I'm not a virgin, by any means—heavens know just how many women I've tumbled over the years. But with Selena—well, somehow it was different. As if it were the first time, something completely new and very powerful.
When we finally stopped, Selena asked me about the word aiedail. I don't remember saying it, but evidently I must have sometime during the heat of passion.
I do remember very clearly, though, the shape of her body as she lay in the blankets. Even in the darkness, her hair shone; her eyes even brighter. Graceful, ethereal—if a star were to be reborn as human, it would be Selena.
My morning star, eternally bright.
Day 57 of Remmus, 369 AR
Oh, I feel like a right fool. But to hell with dignity; I'll be wet enough as it is. Today I got sick enough of staying in the house—rain or no rain, we would return to Uru'baen tomorrow.
But then Selena (somehow) convinced me to dance in the rain. Ah, I don't know what made me finally agree—the lilt in her voice, the light in her eyes? In any case, Selena pulled me outside and started to sing a silly little lullaby as she nudged me through the patterns of the dance. It was simple—two steps right, left, take a twirl, and do it all over again.
I do feel a little ridiculous saying it even now, but it was wonderful. After we ran out of lyrics for the child's lullaby, Selena led me through a slow waltz before trying a much trickier one with plenty of spins and dips. We fell a few times, and now I have mud stains all over my favorite pair of green breeches.
Still, it was worth it. Selena was so beautiful in the rain, with her inhibitations and decorum forgotten.
Day 61 of Remmus, 369 AR
We have arrived back at Uru'baen. Selena is sick with a cold. And I have the palace accounts to haul through again—Galbatorix evidently has not completed them in my absence.
I shouldn't complain—it's useful work, I'll admit, and necessary. Without it, we would continue losing policies and the drain on the treasury would grow year by year. All things must change, after all. And it's best that Galbatorix and I should do it together, instead of one of the other idiots who don't deserve to call themselves Riders.
If only it weren't so mind-numbingly dull.
Day 3 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Oh, no.
The social season has started.
All today and yesterday, ladies, gentlemen, counts, dukes, earls, barons were all flocking in like overdressed peacocks, using the most delicate language to pick each other apart like vultures. It's enough to drive me mad. All day long, pompous bundles of lard have been stopping me in the halls to offer obsequious congratulations on my marriage while begging for an extension on their taxes in the most disgusting, honeyed language.
Galbatorix has noticed. I shouldn't be surprised, really, considering how observant he can be. But today, as we wrapped up land and shipping taxes, he told me that I should take Selena back to my estates.
He waved away my concerns about the accounts, telling me that they were nearly done. "Besides," he said in that patiently maddening way of his, "I expect you could do with a trip to your estates. Selena must be so bored in this drafty palace, and Norwood will need a touch of its master's hand, I think."
When I protested, he gave me the look, telling me not to be stupid. Now that I think about it, Norwood is close enough to Uru'baen that a messenger on horseback can contact me within a day.
That's an idea. In fact, it's a wonderful idea. I'll go tell Selena.
Day 4 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Triannon and Selena seem to be getting along wonderfully. I was worried for a moment about questions of authority, but the roles seem to have smoothed out quite well.
I did a full circuit of my estates, greater and lesser, looking for any problems. There are none, at least none that I can tell. Triannon has done a wonderful job, perhaps even better than Argelin—the crops are flourishing, and everything runs as well as I could have hoped.
Aderes and I bumped into Taron and Rispah a few miles away from Norwood. Rispah and Aderes went off into their own little world while Taron and I exchanged pleasantries about the state of affairs in the world. He passed on news about bad feelings brooding near the Surdan-Empire border again, which means that the Varden is kicking up its heels once more.
Sometimes I think Taron is the only other Rider of the Thirteen who has any mind at all.
It was sunset when Aderes and Rispah finally returned. He seemed rather sorry to see her go, might I add. He left me at Norwood's gates, looking distinctly foul-tempered.
Despite Aderes's continued bad temper, my own spirits have been lifted. I found Selena in the library, her face lighting up with that joyously carefree smile when she saw me.
Day 9 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Selena has claimed a little patch of (once but no longer) flower garden that lies unnoticed by the vegetable gardens. Once the home of weeds, thistles, and burrs, Selena is transforming it into a canopy of life and color.
I watched her today, and she didn't notice me as she worked. She looked—well, happy among the green life, with her dress dragging in the dirt and mud stains over her hands. The flowers that have been newly planted there seem to respond to her touch, turning up their faces to her as if she were the sun.
Day 11 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Summons. Taron came back today, looking decidedly grim—we are to head south to the Jiet Training Camp in order to try to whip those laggards into shape. The Varden is rearing up again, and we need men.
Karma always comes around, doesn't it? Aderes is in seventh heaven and decidedly smug—Taron and Rispah will accompany us on this particular mission. It will take curst months, though. Maybe even the whole season, and Selena will not be there.
I don't want to leave her, but duty is duty. I may have a few days to prepare before I leave, though. I will use that respite, best as I can.
Day 14 of Nmatua, 369 AR
We left today. We are in a temporary camp by Leona Lake, will reach Jiet Training camp tomorrow. Aderes and Rispah are busy making puppy eyes at each other.
It's quiet out here, but the silence seems oppressive. Going to sleep.
Day 15 of Nmatua, 369 AR
The training camp is filled with from a range of men from young men barely into sixteen years, to grizzled veterans who have seen twenty years or more of service. One such veteran, Commander Aaron Hull, runs the camp. He seems to be a sensible man.
The would-be soldiers have been here anywhere from two weeks to three days, and their training has been irregular. To tell the truth, they look rather pansy. I doubt that many of the green lads here can even hold their swords without hurting themselves.
Taron and I have a job ahead of us. These men sorely need some discipline.
Day 32 of Nmatua, 369 AR
I thought I had put Selena out of my thoughts. In a training camp full of males and testosterone, female influences tend to vanish as if they never were. I keep myself busy during the day, so as not to remember.
Today, though, it all came flooding to me with clarity so sharp as to be almost uncomfortable.
Taron and I had a heated argument over assigning captaincy, and I left the camp on Aderes before anything particularly violent happened. He settled on a low hill a few miles away from Jiet. The sun was setting, painting the sky with vibrant oranges and reds.
I want her to be here. It sounds childish and petulant to say so, but I want her to be by my side. To hold her, to touch her hair, to feel the soft curves of her body, to see her smile. To know that she is still mine, and will always be.
It's only nostalgia.
Day 35 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Taron and I have reached an uneasy truce. We must if we are to work together for the remainder of this season. The recruits are looking less like wobbly sticks and more like soldiers, but there is still much work to be done.
Day 39 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Strange.
Taron beckoned for me to follow him today after the day's work was done. He headed into a copse, lighting weirlights to lessen the shadows.
He asked me what was wrong, noting that I seemed pensive and sullen. More than usual. He'd heard rumors about marriage, after all.
I wondered—and still do—of what his motives were. As innocent as Taron's face might seem, he is one of the Thirteen. He may be the one I respect most, but that tells me nothing about how far he will go for power.
Day 40 of Nmatua, 369 AR
I discussed this incident with Aderes early this morning, and he told me something he has gleaned from his conversations with Rispah.
Taron's estates are suffering. He has some bumbling ninny for his chief steward, and a blight has hit the crops he has managed to plant. Rispah was very discreet about it, giving only vague hints, but apparently he has taken heavy loans and may not be able to repay them without a rich acquaintance of some sort.
The merchants who lent him the money would never confront him directly, of course. They would go to Galbatorix, who would deal with Taron in the matter of these debts. He would fall from favor—a debtor is embarrassing, somebody whose reputation cannot be trusted.
Interesting. Sadistically so, of course. At least now I know the reason for his apparent concern yesterday.
Day 49 of Nmatua, 369 AR
It's late-midseason already. My, how time flies when you're having fun.
Commander Hull, Taron, and I convened yesterday. He says, and I agree, that the men will soon be ready to be assigned to their war barracks. There are a few more problems to be worked out, and there are still those captaincies to assign, but the companies can be dispatched within two or three weeks.
Taron was distracted, almost agitated throughout the length of the meeting. Perhaps it had something to do with the messenger that arrived yesterday from Derkholm, his main estates.
Day 54 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Taron left camp today. His excuses were rather pathetic.
Day 60 of Nmatua, 369 AR
The soldiers have been filtering out as orders come down the line. About a quarter of the men are gone, and more will leave through the course of the week.
Commander Hull asked me (politely, of course) to stay on to train the next batch of men through retniw. He seemed rather disappointed when I declined. As such, I will return home by the end of this week.
I wonder how Selena is.
Day 66 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Leaving today. Will arrive in Norwood late tomorrow.
Day 67 of Nmatua, 369 AR
My Selena has become quite the scholar in my absence! I found her curled up in a chair next to the fireplace, and for a moment I could only stare at her pensive expression as I stood in the doorway. The firelight gave her hair a deep auburn glow, and her cheeks had a healthy fair blush.
She seems to have grown. Not taller or ganglier, but as a woman. She still has the same smile, though, and that laugh that rings out bright and carefree. She flung herself into my arms, and for a moment I could only stand there, inhaling the soft scent of her hair.
I talked with Triannon later, and she seems to be fond of Selena. They've done quite a lot of remodeling in my absence, I can tell. The flower garden has expanded dramatically, and the whole manor has a gentle, feminine taste to it. It's not as unpleasant to be expected.
All things considered, it's good to be back.
Day 69 of Nmatua, 369 AR
I have been catching up on what happened while I was gone. Quite a lot, actually. The servants regard her with a mixture of affection and respect, and Selena herself seems quite at home here. I'm glad to know they accept her so well.
On other matters, I also prepared my preliminary report for Galbatorix. Should I tell him about Taron's troubles, though? I bear him no particular ill will; it seems rather low to take down a desperate man.
In any case, I will report back to Galbatorix tomorrow.
Day 70 of Nmatua, 369 AR
I left early this morning for Uru'baen. Galbatorix was in his chambers, and he seemed surprised to see me. With a small smile, he told me that I was back unusually early.
I gave him my report. He leafed through it, but didn't seem to be particularly interested. Even the attached report I added concerning Taron didn't hold his attention—he glanced at it, frowned, and set it aside. And then he turned to look at me, a thoughtful expression on his face.
Very carefully, his eyes never leaving my face, he told me that he had seen Selena in my absence. They had talked about certain things, and certain doubts that he had harbored had vanished.
His voice was neutrally flat, and all the time he was watching me for my reaction. I think I did a passably good job of keeping my own voice calm, but I don't think I fooled him. Anyone else, yes, but not him.
I can only imagine what those 'certain things' are. How could their conversation possibly have gone? What could she have said, to dissipate any doubts Galbatorix had? It's strange, but for the first time I understand how a quill can be mightier than a sword. Or words, in any case.
If Selena said the wrong words…well, how do I judge right and wrong? I have no right to dictate her thoughts, after all. But what if—
My hand is shaking as I write this. I've only just noticed. This display of weakness is—it's ridiculous.
Enough of this. I won't know if I don't ask.
Day 71 of Nmatua, 369 AR
She told me. She told me everything. Everything Galbatorix said, everything she said. And at the end, when I could bear it no longer and left, I could hear her crying through the wooden door.
Selena has nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to cry for, yet she takes on the burdens of the world and hopes to shoulder them for those who cannot. For those who don't deserve it—those, she struggles for hardest.
She doesn't understand, but yet she tries. How can I look her in the eye? How can I—how can I hope to understand that kind of innocence?
Day 75 of Nmatua, 369 AR
Within the bounds of society, I am seen as superior to Selena—as a male, as a Rider, as the king's right hand. But no. Those who say so don't understand. They don't know.
The woods offer no peace from emotion.
Day 1 of Retniw, 369 AR
The snow has come, but it is sick and wan. Nothing but a pathetic covering of frost.
Saw wolves today.
Day 2 of Retniw, 369 AR
Today Aderes got fed up, picked me up by the ankle, and dumped me into the largest pile of snow he could find. Told me I should be ashamed of myself for kicking up such a phenomenol fuss, and to think of Selena.
He ranted along the lines for a good while, and I must admit his words had enough truth in it that they stung. In my aversion of innocence, I have unknowingly been destroying it as surely as if I killed her myself.
In the end, though, his action surprises me. I have never known Aderes to become so passionate. It makes me wonder as to the depth of his feelings for her.
He's right, though.
Day 3 of Retniw, 369 AR
Finally tonight, I went into Selena's rooms once more. Her worry, her touch. Some see it as weakness, but such purity cannot be weak.
I love her.
Startling, how three words can change so much. How shocking they can be, as if warmth finally struck the ice, splintering the flawless pane. What was frozen can now touch the sunlight, brought forth into flower.
In her arms, somehow the weight melts away.
Day 5 of Retniw, 369 AR
Snow!
Real snow, not that pansy stuff that covered the ground. Beautiful, knee-high drifts, blanketing everything in pure white.
I dragged Selena out of bed into the woods, into a valley that can only be seen easily from dragonback. I have to remember to bring Selena back during remmus, where the valley is covered with wildflowers.
I brought two longbows, and I showed Selena how to use them. She has a good eye that will get even better with practice; the only problem is that she needs to build her arm muscles in order to pull back the string easily. After some discussion about weaponry, I think the staff would also be a good weapon to teach her. It fits her small frame, and can be wielded with grace.
We also had a snowball fight, and that still makes me laugh even now. Selena attacked first, and by the end of it we had given up with snowballs and were shoveling the snow onto each other.
It didn't melt until we went back inside Norwood's gates, when we were able to change into warm clothes. The snow powdered us like frosting, making us quite a spectacle. Thank goodness nobody saw us (or at least the fighting bit of it), for any dignity that I have left is certainly gone.
Day 9 of Retniw, 369 AR
My report on Taron has not been as disregarded as I thought, for I have received orders from Galbatorix today to serve upon Taron a letter of confiscation. In order to pay his debts, his estates will be sold.
He won't be entirely homeless, as he does have rooms at the palace. Still, this is humiliating. I regret having inflicted such a fate upon him.
Day 11 of Retniw, 369 AR
Taron's face went bloodless and he seemed almost about to faint. He took the loss as well as to be expected, though, accepting this as another card dealt as life of the Thirteen.
Aderes was silent all the way back. He seems to be distressed over Rispah—as far as I can tell, she wouldn't speak to him.
Day 12 of Retniw, 369 AR
Back at Norwood again, with Selena. We spent the whole day in bed.
After she fell asleep, though, I found myself tracing the lines of her face again and again. My Selena looked so delicate, lying there asleep. So…fragile.
She's mine to shelter and to hold. I won't let anything hurt her. Ever.
Day 14 of Retniw, 369 AR
Aderes has been in a bad mood lately, and it's because of Rispah. As I suspected, he did like her very much. Maybe even love her enough to mate with her, but that's only idle speculation.
We went flying. He was in slightly better spirits at the end of it—I think. At least he wasn't sulking with his tail down anymore, which is a good sign.
Still. It's worrying.
Day 16 of Retniw, 369 AR
The snow thickened overnight, transforming into a blizzard that has completely wrapped Norwood. We visited poor Aderes, griping in his sheltered roost, and toasted marshmallows over the fire that he graciously provided us with. The three of us spent the day exchanging riddles and pelting each other with marshmallows. Aderes was in a better mood today.
Selena seems to glow with the reflected firelight. Does she know just how beautiful I find her?
Day 19 of Retniw, 369 AR
Oh, gods.
I slapped her. We were fighting, I lost control, my anger took over, and I slapped her. And when she looked at me, her skin showing the red marks of my palm—
I remember Mother's bracelet glinting on her wrist, and how it was the only thing she had that Father didn't take. I cursed him when he hit Mother, when he took out his drunken rages on her. I hated him for what he did to my sisters and Murtagh.
How am I different from him? How can I stand here now and curse his name, while I've become him?
I can't meet her eyes. Can't stand in a room, pretending to be her equal. To have done such a deed to her.
What have I done?
Day 23 of Retniw, 369 AR
I still can't get it out of my mind. Selena's eyes—when she realized what I did, what did she think? I can't recall her expression clearly enough—was it shock? Pain? And then, later, a growing hate?
Aderes has been quiet these days, and his emotions are hidden from me. Not for the first time, I don't understand what he's thinking.
I don't understand myself. How could I have lost control like that? To Selena? I promised to keep her safe, and now I've violated the trust she placed in me.
I write this from Norwood's surrounding forests, but the woods no longer offer shelter. Every snap, every flicker of movement—they are accusations, sharp and deserved.
Day 29 of Retniw, 369 AR
I saw a herd of deer today, their graceful white coats almost invisible in the snow. They sensed my presence, though, and looked up sharply as I approached.
The king stag watched me aggressively, and behind him stood the lesser bucks and does. They watched the stag for guidance, and he was there for them, guiding them to safety.
As I was not, for Selena.
Day 31 of Retniw, 369 AR
Aderes. Grumpy, bad-tempered, vain Aderes. We have fought, thrown rocks at each other, and given each other the silent treatment, but it is always him that pulls me out of my self-pity.
He threatened to dump me into another snowdrift, pointing out that they were much bigger now. I cursed him. He glared at me with one beady eye and said that if he were my mother, he'd wash out my mouth with soap.
He told me that I was acting like an idiot, again. In a very scathing tone of voice, he told me that I tended to think the worst of people. That I would judge them according to their faults, and that I was a pessimist by heart.
I don't think I said more than ten words during all this. Including the curse. When Aderes finally stopped to glare at me, I still could find no words to say.
He's right, of course. He's—well, he's not always right. That would make him too unbearably smug. Still, I find it so difficult to believe.
Could Selena forgive me, then? Forgive me for what I did? Or have I pushed the boundaries too far?
But I can't—I can't hurt her any longer. By ignorance, neglect, or loss of control. To do so would be sacrilege.
Once is enough.
Day 32 of Retniw, 369 AR
She forgave me. Without harshness or resentment—she forgave me.
It is far more than I deserve.
Day 36 of Retniw, 369 AR
I saw wolves again today, which surprised me. I'd forgotten about them, since Norwood Forest usually doesn't hold a wolf pack. The deer's only predators around here are hunters like I.
They seem to be faring rather badly, though. There were only three, and their ribs were showing through thick matted fur.
Day 39 of Retniw, 369 AR
We practiced longbows again today. She did better than before, and her aim is improving steadily.
Day 44 of Retniw, 369 AR
Aderes and I were out in the woods today when he mentioned, in a very offhand matter, that I missed Selena's birthday.
I have been calling myself ten kinds of a fool since then. Selena seemed surprised when I asked her, and she said it wasn't important.
Wasn't important? Maybe it's not important to men like me, since I've seen more than eighty of them already. But for Selena, who's only seen seventeen years? A birthday is something to celebrate, not to throw into a corner and hope your husband doesn't notice!
I should get her something. A present, daresay. But what can I get her that she doesn't have already? Jewelry, clothes? She has enough that she won't ever be able to wear them all.
Flowers, perhaps? But there are none to be found in winter. Besides, flowers are impermanent. Removed from the root, they die quickly. Their lives cannot last.
Wait.
New life. Nature. Those are the things Selena loves. Perhaps I can find her a pet of some sort to raise, so that she won't be alone when I am gone.
A bird? A dog? A cat?
I think I may have an idea.
Day 45 of Retniw, 369 AR
I got Selena a wolf pup in the end. I was looking for a doe, actually, but I found the wolves instead. Tracking back to their lair, I found pups.
Yes, pups. In retniw. It was surprising to me, too, for usually pups are born in ginrps. But there it was, plain as day—two wolf pups, staring at me with bright crystal eyes.
They looked thin, but lively enough. I chose the one with green-amber eyes in the end, and he seemed to take to Selena wonderfully. When I left, he was already settling down in her arms. She smiled at me in gratitude, her eyes shining and bright.
Aderes laughed so hard when Selena named the pup Sereda, after his name backwards. He says smugly that that's a token of Selena's vast appreciation for his mighty existence, which makes me want to punch him.
Day 53 of Retniw, 369 AR
Not that I'm jealous, but it's a little annoying how closely Selena clings to Sereda. Yes, I will admit he's only a wolf (albeit an adorable one), but still.
It's irritating.
Day 57 of Retniw, 369 AR
I received a messenger from Uru'baen today. He had a map, containing a plotgraph of the latest strikes against the Varden.
They all seem to be converging around the Jiet River, blocking off trade with Surda. Galbatorix wrote that for the time being, (the now) General Hull is holding a capable defense.
It won't be long before something more happens, though.
Day 59 of Retniw, 369 AR
A major battle was fought yesterday at Belatona. General Hull was killed in action, and a replacement has yet to be found.
The battle is at a stalemate, with both sides struggling to gain any advantage. Belatona still stands for the time being, though Galbatorix writes that it is sorely in need of aid. Supplies are scarce and the destruction large.
He also told me to ready myself for departure, should a replacement be necessary. The man he has in mind to take Hull's place and push back the Varden offense may not be up the task, and a loss cannot be afforded.
Besides, he wants a Rider to lead the battle.
Day 63 of Retniw, 369 AR
What? He chose Glael. He chose Glael! The stupidity, it—of all people, Glael? Why not I? Why not Taron, if nobody else?
I thought I had to misreading the letter. But no. He chose Glael to lead the battle. The letter went on to say that I should spend some more time at Norwood, working out any 'mental problems' I had.
Mental problems! Mental problems! The only mental problems I have is that Galbatorix chose some bumbling ninny like Glael to lead this battle. Doesn't he understand how important it is? If we lose this one, then the quickest and cheapest trade route to Surda is gone. Whoever controls Belatona controls the Jiet.
If we can't halt their advance at Belatona, then Dras-Leona will suffer at the loss of its main trading partner besides Uru'baen. The intertrade on Leona Lake will fall, and gods only know how the economic losses will ripple across the Empire.
Yet he chose Glael. What did that son of a bitch do, in order to get this assignment? Unless he's suddenly gotten far more brilliant than I last saw him, I fear for the stability of the economy.
I can see no way out of it. Galbatorix, once his mind is made, doesn't change it easily. But how he could choose Glael in the first place is a mystery to me. Have I displeased him somehow, then?
Day 64 of Retniw, 369 AR
Galbatorix won't change his mind. A siege has begun at Belatona.
Selena asked me what was wrong today. I told her, and she seemed rather pensive when she left.
Day 69 of Retniw, 369 AR
Siege still holds. The Varden attempted to send reinforcements but were cut off by secondary troops from Feinster. Not enough to repel the bulk of the offense.
Day 72 of Retniw, 369 AR
Dras-Leona tried to send forces to aid Belatona. Half the fleet destroyed by Varden.
Day 75 of Retniw, 369 AR
That ninny Glael managed to push back the Varden offense. They are retreating, and Glael is coming back to Uru'baen for a victory feast.
Knowing him, though, he'll have left something undone. Looking at the charts, I don't think everything is entirely right.
Day 1 of Ginrps, 370 AR
I was right. The Varden had retreated into the base of the Coastal Mountains. They've seized control of Feinster—not as bad as Belatona, but Feinster is the key to the Aroughs Plateau. Surda might decide to stir up and seize more land if Feinster is taken.
I had hoped this would change Galbatorix's mind about having that idiot in charge, but he still seems convinced by Glael's (temporary) victory at Belatona. Glael has command of the Feinster troops.
What really irritates me is that the man is still busy picking his teeth here at Uru'baen. If he loses the battle for Feinster, I will dismember him myself and consequences be damned.
Day 5 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Selena has been in the woods a lot these past few days. I feel a bit guilty about neglecting her, but this is far more important than a lone man's love.
Glael is still at Uru'baen.
Day 8 of Ginrps, 370 AR
She put herself in danger, the chit! If Glael had—if he had gone too far—if he had touched her more than he had, I will kill him. This is not an idle boast—Galbatorix may be pissed at me, but I will kill him.
Selena has been tracking Glael these past few days during the time that she was supposedly in the woods with Sereda. I suspect, but have no proof, that Triannon was in on it as you can hardly have a wolf pup with you in the palace.
She surprised me, but I can't stop thinking about what might have happened. The thought of losing her to some conniving bastard—she put herself in danger. Yes, what she gave me was useful, but at what cost?
She's mine. Not Glael's. Not ever.
Day 10 of Ginrps, 370 AR
I went to Galbatorix today and told him the news that Selena had given me: about Eridor, Glael's dragon, being sick. He raised an eyebrow and reflected that Glael had hidden this news quite well.
It surprises me at how much he knows—with a small smile, he told me that Selena was quite a conniving lass, much more canny than he'd expected. How startling. When I asked what he meant, he would say nothing more on the subject, a sly smile in his eyes.
Then he went on to say with a little sigh, that since Glael would be 'inconvenienced' for a little while, that command of the Feinster troops would be mine. I leave tomorrow
I can't help but wonder what he meant by that remark about Selena, though.
Day 11 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Left today. Selena was worried, I can see that—if there is fighting, many men will be killed. If everything works out, I hope to be back at the end of this week. I don't want to leave her for too long—she looks different, somehow.
If we can come from behind the Varden and trap them in the open plateau beyond Feinster, then they will be easy to rout as long as they don't reach Surda.
Day 12 of Ginrps, 370 AR
I have arrived at the main bulk of the Empire defense. This is not good. The majority of troops are pushed against the Aroughs Plateau; the Varden have the shelter of the Coastal Mountains, with only secondary troops defending against a second attack of Belatona.
The general in charge of the troops, General Enil, seemed less than pleased to see me. Evidently he thought himself to be the longtime veteran and I the glorified poser who knew nothing but mincing about in court. He'll learn his mistake soon enough.
I have sent messages to Belatona asking them for more troops to box the Varden in. I doubt for any real response, though, as Belatona is in war-torn condition.
Day 16 of Ginrps, 370 AR
They responded with four more companies, just barely enough to pepper the borders of Leona Lake. It will have to do.
We attack tomorrow.
Day 20 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Feinster retaken. Barely. Varden fled into mountains.
Crossbow bolts got Aderes in wing. Healed him. Muscles still tender.
More later.
Day 29 of Ginrps, 370 AR
The past few days have been hectic, and I don't think I've had more than five hours of sleep each night. I am surviving on copious amounts of a bitter drink that the soldiers call 'coffee'. It seems to work. Keeps me awake, in any case.
The forces sent into the Coastal Mountains were decoys. We spent the better part of the past few days trying hunt them down before Aderes and I took a scout flight and saw that they were fleeing instead toward Aroughs.
We stopped them just in time and have herded them into the inner parts of the Aroughs Plateau, where the terrain is woodier than the maps lead you to believe. The result is somewhat of a guerilla battle as we try to hunt them down.
It's easier said than done. They keep on trying for Surda, but I think there's something near the coast. Ships, perhaps.
I'll fly ahead and see.
Day 30 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Ships. A fleet of them.
Aderes had fun burning them down.
Day 36 of Ginrps, 370 AR
They've gone into Surda. We've had envoys banging down our door since then, demanding in very flowered language to know why imperial forces are in their territory.
The Varden will not escape. Diplomacies or not, I will throw that Surdan king over the balcony if he continues to get in my way.
Day 44 of Ginrps, 370 AR
After heated negotiations and at least a hundred cups of coffee, we have managed to pin the Varden just outside Cithri.
Going to try to push them out of Surdan territories. At least then I won't have to play nice with that idiot King Orine or whatever his name is.
Day 48 of Ginrps, 370 AR
We managed to do so, but at heavy losses. A bout of illness has run through the troops, and only hasty reinforcements from Melian have managed to tip the balance in our favor.
I myself have not been affected, but I suspect poison of some sort. New supplies arriving tomorrow. They will not be tainted.
I hope Selena's all right. Perhaps it's the illness throughout camp, but I fear that something is wrong at Norwood.
Day 54 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Reached the coast of Tiidosten with the Varden fleeing just ahead. They are trying persistently to reach Surda again and again, which makes me suspicious as to the Surdan policy of neutrality.
I have sent word to Furnost. The governor will be ready with backup troops.
Day 58 of Ginrps, 370 AR
They are pinned with Furnost's troops at their back and mine ahead. No escape for them this time.
This has been quite a chase, but it's almost over.
Day 63 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Battle's over. We won. The few survivors have been captured and will be taken into imperial custody and executed for treason and crimes against the crown.
Broken two fingers and gash along side. Aderes's wing has heavy sword wounds. Partially healed, but tired. Troops nearly cut in half, many wounded.
Reporting back to Uru'baen tomorrow.
Day 65 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Aderes took longer than usual to make the journey even after I completely healed his wing. Says it still hurts—it's the wing that took the crossbow bolts, too. Arrived late tonight.
Galbatorix has sent Taron to oversee the cleanup operations. I'm going back to Norwood. I want to see Selena.
Day 66 of Ginrps, 370 AR
Selena. Beautiful, beautiful Selena. No more fighting, just peace.
So tired. Going to sleep.
Day 67 of Ginrps, 370 AR
I slept nearly the whole day yesterday and feel slightly better. Aderes is also up and about, and his wing doesn't pain him anymore.
Selena had a miscarriage while I was gone. I told her that the child would rest, waiting for us in the afterlife. That there was nothing to be afraid of, because we would see him again.
In the end, she broke down and cried. As she wept into my shirt, I couldn't help but think about all the men who had died in the battles. Would they wait for their families?
Day 73 of Gnirps, 370 AR
I brought Selena today to the valley. The wildflowers were in full bloom, the valley a spreading blanket of color.
Selena laughed, lighting up with the first true laughter that I have seen since I returned. It was beautiful and peaceful, without fighting of any sort. I showed her some beginning staffwork. She moves with a cat's delicate grace.
Later, we just lay there on the ground together as Selena made silly stories out of the clouds.
Day 77 of Ginrps, 370 AR
There was a congratulatory banquet held at Uru'baen today. I didn't go. Galbatorix was amused.
Day 1 of Remmus, 370 AR
Today Selena spent the better part of a morning bent over a basin, throwing up. I could feel no sickness in her, though I suspect she is pregnant.
Is this normal for pregnant women? Must be unpleasant.
Day 10 of Remmus, 370 AR
Selena has been eating the strangest foods lately. Her meals yesterday consisted of pickles dipped in olive oil. Disgusting, yes, but she seemed delighted.
Triannon has filled in the gaps in my education about pregnancy. Apparently, 'morning sickness' and 'food fetishes' are normal. Glad I'm not female.
Day 11 of Remmus, 370 AR
We went to the healer today. Mia confirmed that Selena was pregnant, and she expressed her surprise that it was soon. The child will come mid-to-late retniw.
I will not miss the birth. Not this one.
Day 22 of Remmus, 370 AR
Selena seems rather cranky lately. Once again, Triannon says this is normal.
In an effort to cheer her up, I took her out again to the valley, and the lines in her face smoothed away. Selena laughed again, as if nature could take away the weight on her shoulders.
Day 32 of Remmus, 370 AR
Sereda has been missing all day. Selena is worried; she's been wearing herself (and the carpet) out, pacing back and forth. She keeps on saying that Sereda must be in trouble.
I think Sereda can take care of himself. He's been spending a lot of time in the woods lately. Perhaps he's found a lady wolf.
Day 35 of Remmus, 370 AR
Sereda is dead. We found his body on the front steps of Norwood, and Selena has been crying all day. Somebody tore his head off and ripped the body to pieces.
Whoever did this will pay. I'll see to that—they hurt Selena and insulted me.
I won't stand for it.
Day 39 of Remmus, 370 AR
Glael.
That man. That foul, disgusting man. Did he really think he could get away with it? First for failing to destroy the Varden at Belatona, then for groping Selena, and now for killing the wolf.
Bad luck comes in threes? I think Glael will have to cope with just one more. He's gone too far with his stupidity this time, and I will kill him.
Day 42 of Remmus, 370 AR
I cornered him today in his suite at the palace. Blubbering idiot couldn't even die with dignity. He was on his knees and weeping like a ninny before I killed him.
The one I pity is Eridor. Being bound to that fat lump of lard, the death cost him more than he should have paid. But if so, he shouldn't have chosen Glael in the first place.
Justice.
Day 44 of Remmus, 370 AR
Galbatorix was a little bit annoyed about Glael's death, since the body made a wing of palace stink up. He didn't seem too surprised, though, and made no comment to me other than that to try to bury the body next time.
It's a bit startling, really. From Thirteen, we have become six. Yet why isn't he more…I don't know, emotional? I killed Glael preparing to face the consequences, to defend my actions. But Galbatorix seems strangely philosophical about it all, not angry.
Unsettling.
Day 54 of Remmus, 370 AR
I woke up in the middle of the night, jerked awake by a dream. Not of Glael, not of the dying men on the battlefield, but of Eridor.
Eridor's dying cries. His pain, his shock upon realizing that the Rider he had chosen was dead, and I was at the root of it. His only crime was to choose the wrong man, and I have condemned him for it. I have destroyed him for it.
Selena was there, trying to reassure me. To wipe away the bad memories, to leave only the good ones. But she doesn't understand, doesn't understand the pain of having your identity severed. And then I thought of Brom, and his own anguish when Saphira died. What was it like? To know that you were already dead, only left breathing by some foul quirk of fate?
To have Aderes die? Unimaginable. Beyond all hells, that is a fate worse than death.
Day 55 of Remmus, 370 AR
Couldn't go back to sleep after the dream. I pulled myself gently out of Selena's arms and went in search of Aderes.
He was gruff about it, as usual. We didn't say much. Just sat together and watched the sun rise.
Day 60 of Remmus, 370 AR
I have developed a habit of waking early each morning. Today Selena caught me as I was trying to slip out, her eyes sleepy and curious.
She asked me what I was doing, and I told her about watching the sunrise with Aderes. Without saying a word, she got out of bed, placed her hand on mine, and joined us on the hill to watch the color come back to the land.
Day 76 of Remmus, 370 AR
Today, Selena suggested some possible names. I didn't say much, except to debunk some of her odder choices—Gurnet, Rotsi, Surker. In truth, I don't think any of these names are right.
Murtagh, Evelyn, and Hestia. Azula. They're all dead and gone now, but—well, I don't know. It's almost silly. As if our child was named after one of them, they could live on.
I didn't mention it. Selena came up with a list, but I can't remember any of them.
Day 1 of Nmatua, 370 AR
New season. Trees are starting change color. Selena's belly is noticeably bigger as the life within her grows.
She would probably hit me for saying it, but she looks so beautiful pregnant.
Day 11 of Nmatua, 370 AR
Messenger from Galbatorix today. He wants me to see him in Uru'baen about something. I hope it's not a lengthy assignment.
Day 12 of Nmatua, 370 AR
I went to Uru'baen yesterday, and he told me with a dry smile that it was my turn to oversee the rebuild efforts for Belatona and Feinster.
Oh, bloody hell. It's drudge work, and Taron has been called away to deal with some 'other' problems, whatever that may mean. Since the rebuilding of the cities is vital, I have been called upon to fill his shoes.
Very well. Duty is duty. It's only until the twelfth of retniw—Taron has been given one full season to deal with his 'problems'. I will be back at Selena's side in time for the birth.
Day 13 of Nmatua, 370 AR
I have arrived in Belatona and have been given lodgings in one of the few inns that haven't completely collapsed. I wonder what Taron has been doing all this time—the two cities look terrible, as if the battle was fought only yesterday.
Buildings, roads, welfare, accounts. What fun.
Day 28 of Nmatua, 370 AR
Taron has taken care of the majority of refugees; there are temporary lodgings for the majority of them. Crime is still rampant, so I have revised some sections of the local aw and posted extra watches in attempts to deter it.
Contracters have been hired from Dras-Leona to help rebuild. Materials are being taken from the mountains; there's plenty of stone and timber. The once-governor of Belatona, Riekster, was all insistent that I rebuild his castle first. Idiot.
Day 42 of Nmatua, 370 AR
Construction of the cities is well underway. The ports, as being the most vital part of the cities, are nearly complete. The buildings, though, will take more time.
Taron has not yet returned.
I hope Selena is all right.
Day 55 of Nmatua, 370 AR
The roads are being rebuilt. Many of them are overgrown, choked with weeds, and will take time to clear away.
It's easy work, at least. As opposed to other assignments where I run all over Alagaesia. Still, I would much prefer to be back at Norwood.
Day 67 of Nmatua, 370 AR
Port Central has reopened. Belatona's trade is beginning. Tentatively, yes, but ships are beginning to dock once more at the harbor.
Feinster is more of a problem. Farther away from Dras-Leona, supplies are harder to ship. It is still somewhat decrepit.
Day 75 of Nmatua, 370 AR
Both Lord Riekster of Belatona and Lord Jareby of Feinster have been squabbling like children, trying to steal the most out of the rebuilding budget for their cities. Riekster insists that a rebuilt market bazaar is completely necessary, while Jareby tries to argue for an upgraded harbor.
Politics. It's everywhere.
Day 6 of Retniw, 370 AR
I have gotten things sorted out. Neither Jareby nor Riekster got anything that they whined for. Just what was necessary, and perhaps a tiny bit more that was not.
I am awaiting Taron's return.
Day 12 of Retniw, 370 AR
It is the twelfth of retniw.
Taron isn't here. I've half a mind to leave anyway, but Galbatorix was quite insistent that there always be one Rider to oversee everything.
Day 15 of Retniw, 370 AR
Taron is still not here. I'll give him two more days before I leave anyway.
Day 17 of Retniw, 370 AR
Finally. He's arrived, looking slightly paler. Rispah and Aderes seemed taciturn, tense with each other.
I leave for Norwood. With any luck, I will be there by tomorrow night. I hope Selena's all right.
Day 18 of Retniw, 370 AR
I can't believe it.
He's born. Selena gave birth a few days ago to a son. The birth was premature, behind Mia's prediction of mid-to-late retniw, but you wouldn't know it from the look of him. He's so—so beautiful. So innocent.
All the names that Selena had thought of—none of them fit. Not as well as Murtagh does. So I asked Selena, and she agreed. He's named after my brother, dead at the age of nine. Killed when Onir Farinson hit him one too many times and broke his neck.
A son. My son.
Murtagh.
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Blurk. Oh, god. It's so late here and I'm really seeing double images…whooeee. –blinks- Anyway. I spent at least six hours on this today…-yawns-
This was even harder than Silvered Ice, and that's saying something. –sigh- Please, please please PLEASE review. I will seriously, honest-to-god cry if you don't. No flames, please, but constructive criticism is GREATLY appreciated.
I'll also be going on with this. As a counterpart to Silver Pup's White Roses, there will be Shattered Ice just so I can proudly say I actually did an entire trilogy. Hope to see youse there!