Me: James is upset and slightly aggro because King Kong refuses to run on his laptop. He put me in a vice-grip like Major Armstrong. No joke.
James: *throws game into bucket of toy cars* *waltzes with floor fan*
Me: I'm worried about his mind.
FMA TRIVIA!
[lights come up on stage]
James: WELCOME TO FMA TRIVIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Arakawa: We're your hosts, TheSponsor's little brother and me, the creator of Fullmetal Achemist. BOW TO ME!
James: Yes, quite. Moving on, let's introduce our teams. On the red team, the Elric brothers, Izumi Curtis, and... (mumble) Karynne.
Me: Yeah, losers!
Ed: *snort* I'm awake!
Al: I'll do my best.
Izumi: …
James: I'm sorry. What was that?
Izumi: Dot, dot, dot.
James: *thumbs up* On the blue team, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Alex Louis Armstrong, and Jean Havoc!
Mustang: *charming smile*
Hawkeye: *salute*
Armstrong: *tears off shirt and poses dramatically*
Havoc: Hey there!
Breda: HEY! WHY ARE THEY UP THERE WHILE WE'RE IN THE AUDIENCE?
Falman: That hardly seems fair!
Fuery: I worked hard to be a lovable character!
Black Hayate: Woof!
Me: Because I am writing this, and you are only minor characters.
James: How is Havoc a major character?
Me: I like him better.
Havoc: Heck yeah! Steal that from me, Mustang! I dare ya!
Me: Don't push it.
Arakawa: Next, an explanation.
Winry: *appears in short dress*
James: *applaud* Yay!
Winry: (grouchily) The rules are simple. Even for shortie over here.
Ed: Hey!
Winry: Questions are asked, the contestants give the answers. I come out and look pretty with the scorecards at the end of each round.
James: Again, yay!
Arakawa: First question, children. How many faces were on Envy's true body in the manga?
Me: WHAT?
Mustang: Only Edward was there for that!
Me: And me, kinda.
Ed: Like I was paying attention to that!
James: Wrong answer!
[water drops on Ed, Mustang, and me, and we get electrocuted]
Winry: Did I forget to mention the punishment for wrong answers?
Ed: HOW COULD YOU LEAVE OUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
Al: *inspects area for nearby exits*
James: Sorry, Al. I made sure that there was no way out.
Hawkeye: Then how do YOU leave?
James: …
Izumi: …
James: …
Izumi: …
Arakawa: Okay! Second question!
James: What is your favourite colour?
Ed: Red?
James: WRONG!
[Wall opens up to reveal dozens of bulls]
Ed: AHH! * bolts*
James and Arakawa: *laugh*
Ed: *returns to his seat with his clothes tattered and torn*
James: That's a shame.
Me: There there, bebeh. *pat pat*
Arakawa: Two cars. One red, one blue. If the red car is travelling at 33 mph, and the blue car is travelling at 68 mph, what is the name of the driver in the red car?
Havoc: *bzzt* Is it me?
James: "Me" isn't a name, Havoc.
Havoc: No! I meant- *disappears through hole in the ground*
Armstrong and Hawkeye: *look down after him*
Me: Poor thing. Ha! Your team has lost a member!
Mustang: That isn't fair! They've had more penalties than us! They should lose a member!
Ed: But we're better.
James: Besides, you were due.
Al: Exactly. Now it's fair.
James: *milks Arakawa* Moving on. *slurp*
Winry: The score remains at zero all.
Ed: Join us Winry!
Al: We could use your knowledge of... whatever it is you do.
Me: We have cookies.
Arakawa: Listen up, kiddy-winkles. Banana?
[teams whisper amongst themselves]
Me: *bzzt* Aardvark?
James: *whips banana at my head*
Me: AAAAHHH! *falls over with bleeding head wound*
Al: *helps me up*
Me: Ooh... *strokes Ed's face* You're so pretty...
Ed: She's losing a lot of blood.
James: You're lucky I didn't throw an Aardvark. NEXT QUESTION! Who is the most good-looking boy in the history of the universe?
Armstrong: *bzzt* WHY, IT IS OF COURSE ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG, THE STRONGARM ALCHEMIST! *pose*
Arakawa: Sorry, Alex.
[rock drops from the ceiling]
Armstrong: HUAH! *smashes rock*
[crocodile breaks out of rock and bites onto his head]
James: Anyone else?
Mustang: *bzzt* ...Is it me?
[another crocodile for Roy]
Me: *bzzt* It's you, isn't it?
James: WRONG!
Me: *gets wrapped in bubble plastic* Mmph?
James: Wait, the other thing... Correct! Oh, well. You can't change the past.
Arakawa: What are clouds made of?
Ed: *goes off on some scientific tangent*
Me: So... water?
Ed: Yeah, water.
James: No, it's cotton candy, stupid! *presses button* *diabolical laugh*
[giant laser comes up next to Ed]
Ed: EEK! *ducks*
[laser hits Al, disintegrating him]
Ed: AAAAAAAAAAALLLL!
Me: Alphonse!
Arakawa: *sniffle* My child...
Winry: Zero all.
Me: But I got one!
James: Nope. And now you're in the negatives for disagreeing with the almighty judge.
…
James: Me.
Everyone: Oh...!
Winry: It's the final round!
Me: Anyone else feel light-headed?
Ed: AL!
Armstrong & Mustang: *muffled cries for help*
Havoc: Uh... I'm still down here.
James: Your point?
Arakawa: What cup-size is Izumi?
Ed: WHAT?
Izumi: *semi-literally explodes* I AGREED TO COME TO THIS STUPID THING, BUT I DID NOT AGREE TO BE MOCKED LIKE THIS!
James: You're not being mocked.
Arakawa: It's a very intellectual question... about your cup-size.
Izumi: TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU! *drops down a hole in the ground*
[bulls follow her into said hole]
James: That's what you get, rebel scum.
Me: Eddie! We can't be beaten like this!
Ed: You're right! We have to do it for Al!
[POWER DUO!]
Me: Will you marry me?
Ed: No.
[POWER DUO WITH AWKWARD HISTORY!]
Hawkeye: *shoots crocodiles off Armstrong's and Mustang's heads* We only have two questions left, guys. Let's try to get this.
Mustang: I doubt the score will change, and we're winning due to some bizarre penalty.
James: (sings) It's a nice day for a... white wedding.
Me: It's raining outside.
Arakawa: There's a show I want to watch, so let's get a move on.
James: (sings) It's a nice day for a... white wedding. ...Poo. ^w^
Mustang: Wait, Armstrong's head is missing.
James: MOVING ON WITH THE QUESTIONS! What is L's real name?
Me: *bzzt* L Lawliet!
James: ...No.
Me: But I-
James: No!
Me: Yes, sir.
Ed: *pat pat*
Armstrong: *unresponsive*
Winry: Final question with the scores on zero and negative one.
James: Raise your hands if you think Winry should wear a bikini.
…
Ed & Mustang: *raise hands*
Winry: *wanders off, growling to herself*
James: POINTS FOR EVERYONE!
Hawkeye: How many?
James: ZERO!
Me: Yay!
James: Okay, that wasn't the question.
[dramatic music]
James: Is a zebra white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
Me: *snipe*snipe*
Mustang & Hawkeye: *die*
Me: *bzzt* White with black stripes.
Ed: Was killing them necessary?
James: Correct, but you're disqualified for killing your opponents.
Me: *twitch*twitch*
Ed: Way to go! *smack*
Arakawa: So, team blue wins!
James: With zero points and zero members.
Havoc: Actually, I'm still alive down here.
[water flushes down the hole, and the hole closes]
James: For now...
Winry: *enters in towel* I couldn't find the bikini. Only two pieces of clear plastic.
James: That is the bikini.
Winry: …
Ed: *nosebleed*
Me: I'm outta here.
Arakawa: YOU'RE DIRTYING MY DAUGHTER!
James: Well, we'll see you next time!
Me: Maybe a little more that we'd like to.
James: Giggedy-giggedy-goo!
Me: I think we need to talk about your problems, James. Your many... many problems.