Seventy Thirty
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed.
WARNING: Please proceed at your own risk. You have been warned that this fiction contains sensitive matters that might not be suitable for young kids and religious purposes. Please turn away if you are uncomfortable on the subject of mercy killing and or people who are willing to die because they have given up hope. Other than that, please enjoy this Dearkka and Miriallia pairing.
What would you give to have one more day with your loved one?
What would you sacrifice to tell them in time how much you loved them?
What would you do when you could foresee their death?
Would you prevent it? Would you try to stop it? Would you help them die?
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Miriallia Haw
"Would you be my girlfriend?" A gruff voice entered my private thoughts, reminding me of things I should have forgotten. I did not know how to cope with these fleeting memories, I did not know if I should bury them, or….
My name is Miriallia Haw, people call me Miri by short. I had a boyfriend some time ago, a serious one, which the war took away from me. But although the war took away, it gave back, and I gladly received. Dearkka Elsman. He is the kind of guy I would take sneak previews of but leave alone, because, to me, he was out of my league. Too confident and loud, I preferred my guys like Tolle Koeing. Unassuming yet always there when I needed him. Yet, things always turn out different from what you want it to go. In the end I fell in love with the guy which suited me the worst. Yet, times were harsh on our bodies, he being a Coordinator, even with his battle scars, both mentally and psychologically, had a better time than me. I, being a Natural, naturally fell sick, and this time the war that was waged was me and my body against the ever passing merciless time.
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Dearkka Elsman
I love a woman very much, a woman that I had seen for the first time five years ago and had fallen head over heels in love with. It was the middle of the war, maybe not the middle, beginning of the ending perhaps? But, I met her over quite mundane circumstances, since it was the war we were talking about. Love at first sight had never been my forte, and it did not happen between me and her. Dude, what do you expect? She tried to kill me! But, in the end, she grew on me, and soon, everything that she did, the way she moved, the way her brown hair tossed about her face when she was laughing, her brown eyes that sparkled and danced, she was no longer the girl whom I wanted to stay away. She was the one I wanted to stay with for the rest of my life.
But, what time could give us, it could take away also. And..the only thing that I could do during that time was to treasure it and cry in my heart, before finally doing what she wanted me to do.
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Miriallia Haw
I looked despairingly into the mirror, watching myself grow thinner and thinner every day from the cancer was depressing, not to mention demoralizing. I had wondered what I would look when I was old, I did not need to imagine now. By twenty five, I was looking forty. I heaved a sigh, turning away from the mirror that told no lies. It hurt but today seemed to be a good day, the pain was keeping its ugly head low. My eyes traveled the bedroom to the window that led to the scenery outside. My apartment was on the highest floor of this building, both a blessing and a curse. But, it provided the most beautiful and breathtaking view of Orb. Cagalli Yula Athha had been very kind. I allowed my mind to roam the fields, the ocean, the sky, everything that my slowly breaking down body could not or would not cooperate to do so.
"Miri?" A gentle knock on the door followed by that gruff voice made my flight of freedom stop and I was back into my body. I smiled, tickled by the irony of all of it, it had been my dream to be a photographer, and now I was photographing everything in my memory so that I could take it down with me to wherever I would end up to.
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Dearkka Elsman
I opened the door to find Miri smiling at me. She was so beautiful, no matter what she said. I looked away, not wanting her to see the tears in my eyes. It was not right for men to cry, and more so when I was the healthy one. I did not have the need to cry. Yet, as I blinked away the tears, I could feel her understanding and that made me want to loose control more. I cleared my throat and forced myself to walk confidently into the room with that all familiar swagger. But, even to me, it felt pretentious, felt unreal. The whole situation was unreal. "Do you want to go out today? The weather is beautiful. You could use with some fresh air." I said, trying to change the subject that the both knew I had to accept one day.
"All right Dearkka." She said, her voice soft. She looked away once again into her wardrobe, her brow screwed up in concentration. My eyes drifted to her body, noticed the way her body no longer had anymore meat on it, her clothes hanging loosely about her that hid nothing and exposed more than a revealing tight dress could. I tried to avert my eyes, tried to think of anything but this, but I could not. I wanted to remember her as the healthy, vibrant happy her and this sick body was just an imposter, a test of my loyalty, of my love. But, deep down inside, no matter what I wanted to think, no matter how hard I wished, this dying human was still the woman I love. The woman that was about to leave me behind for a journey I could not follow.
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Miriallia Haw
I tried to decide between the white shirt, blue jeans and the black top with a skirt. I wanted to dress up for this occasion, though I did not know particularly why, an instinct telling me to do so, even if I looked terrible, with everything hanging about. I knew my body looked like the walking dead, cancer had taken away what made me a woman, yet Dearkka insisted every time I grew pensive and moody, that I was still whole. I appreciated it but I could not forget the fact that whenever I took off my clothes and closed my eyes to hide the scars, I could remember vividly the puckered skin, the red rawness and the bump that was supposed to be full.
"Your cancer is in gone for now, but…"
"But what doctor?"
"I don't know when it would come back, or if it is really gone. We really have no way to tell."
That afternoon in that doctor's room, I had been shivering uncontrollably, afraid and terribly lost, like a child left alone to face the dangers of the world. I had been given a death sentence, a death sentence that did not have a valid date. It could today, tomorrow, ten years later or never. Dearkka had sat stoically beside me, holding me tight to anchor me to this current world, but I knew that he was even worst off than me. I had him but who did he have? I was a selfish person, I loved him, but it was evident, that in certain circumstances, that his love was more than I had bargained for. I wondered, not for the first time, that whether the death of my previous boyfriend had made me not to be able to love as fully as he did.
Seventy thirty.
Lacus Clyne had said something like that. And although I did not fully understand it then, I understood it now. Dearkka would be the seventy while I the coward would be giving only thirty percent of my heart. I did not want it to be this way, I truly loved Dearkka, adored him, would do anything for him, just…I would still hold back if I thought it was not necessary. It was unfair, but this was how it usually is in a relationship, the balance had to be there. I paused as I felt Dearkka's stare on me back in the present time, I smiled at him before making shooing gestures with my hands, making him raise his eyebrows in surprise, his lips cracking up into a mischievous grin that made my breath catch in my throat. He was beautiful. His violet eyes, his blonde hair that was perpetually mussed up, I did not want to leave him. I did not.
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Dearkka Elsman
I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She tried to force them back like I did and I wanted to throw my arms around her and shield her from everything that could harm our small world. She noticed that I was trying to go to her and she shook her head, a slight no, I was puzzled at that gesture, but accepted it nonetheless. I fretted like a mother hen until she forced a smile that was resembled more of a grimace than anything else. I too forced a smile onto my face, and knew I looked even more ridiculous. What had God planned for us, us humans who have sinned in creating beings like me. Was this my price to pay for being unnatural? My genes tweaked to become superior? I did not want this superiority, because it robbed me of being with Miri. She was dying and I was still alive and well. I did not want to be alone. I could not be left alone.
"Wait for me outside Dearkka, ne?" Miri said softly, but with a stubbornness that I could not compete with. I hesitated, but nodded before turning around and walking out the door, giving one last lingering look which Miri caught but avoided. She was already distancing herself from me and I could not stop it one bit.
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Miriallia Haw
We spent the day out in the city, absorbing the sights and sounds that we have long left behind since the day I found out about the incurable disease that I have. Dearkka had his fingers curled around mine, a solid wall that provided me with comfort every time people threw peculiar or sympathetic and sometimes envious glances at us. I knew what they were thinking, me, who looked like death warmed over, was with a blonde Adonis with violet eyes. I smiled inwardly, thinking how wrong they were, they could trade places with me, be the one with the death sentence hanging over my head, and knowing I had to leave their so called blonde Adonis behind.
"Miri?" His concerned voice broke through those depressing thoughts that seemed to occupy my mind so often right now.
"I'm all right. Where would you like to go?" I asked him, giving him a smile that he took in greedily. I wanted to laugh aloud, I loved him so much, so much it hurts, yet….
"Anywhere's fine. Would you like to grab a bite first? Rest awhile before continuing our shopping spree?" He asked mischievously, holding up the few bags of things that I have already bought while I grinned sheepishly at his slight tease. It had been too long since I've been out, the temptation to buy was just too great for me to resist. At this point of time, I really did not want to care whether I would be able to use them, or that it will just gather dust in our living room. This was our day together and I did not want anything to spoil it.
I laughed aloud, suddenly very glad that I was still alive, even though I'm living on borrowed time. "Let's go then!" I shouted, as I tried to run, laughter mingling in the wind.
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Dearkka Elsman
I watched her run, her laughter like the chimes of church bells, touching my heart and fracturing it too. How long have I not seen that joy? Heard that laughter? The cancer not only took away her body but her soul also. I understood as I stood by as an audience that there was nothing that I could do. I wanted to promise her that I would live on with her even if she went before me, but I could not. There was no way I could tell her that I would be happy, that I would live life to the fullest when my heart was not even in it. I wondered what would be Yzak Joule's reaction to my stupidity? Would he laugh? Would he taunt? He was an ice cold bastard that was so adept at hiding his own feelings and insecurity behind that arrogance that he had already thought that he was that cold hearted idiot who could not nor wanted to love.
"Dearkka! What are you waiting for?" Miri's teasing voice derailed my thoughts and I replied her by glaring before starting off at a dead run. I saw her eyes widen as she realized what was about to happen before squealing and turning away, trying to outdistance me. She ran and I chased. I would always do so, following her everywhere she went. The wind ruffled our hair, the sun was bathing us with its warmth, we could still feel and as we ran down the pavements, bumping rudely into people whom we rushed past, we did not care about the weird or displeased looks that the passer- bys were giving us. This is our time together, trying to create more memories for us to keep, treasuring the time limit that was slowly ticking away like a time bomb waiting to explode.
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Miriallia Haw
I was enjoying myself, loving every minute of it. This present me was remembering my past me, the things that I had so taken for granted. I laughed out loud again, just feeling. The people who passed me by, the shops with all those delicious smells, the clear sky, the ocean breeze, everything was perfect. I felt my tears welling up as I ran, trickling down my cheeks as I continued to run. This was what being alive meant, this was what I had missed so much being coped up in my room. I wiped away the tears, and continued running. I was getting out of breath and Dearkka was catching up soon. I did not want him to give me that worried looks, I did not want anything to remind me that I was sick.
"Miriallia!" Dearkka shouted, his voice half anxious, half playful. He was so near now. I turned to look back, gave him another brilliant smile before allowing the darkness that reared its head to devour me. My last conscious thought was that the hands of my time bomb had just clicked at zero.
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Dearkka Elsman
I watched horrified at Miriallia's falling body, my senses crying out for me to move but instead stood rooted in my actual position.
She had been smiling just now…she had been so alive!
"Miriallia!" I shouted, my feet finally listening to my brain, giving it the burst of speed the adrenaline provided. Miri was too near the main road, too near to danger. I had to get to her before anything happened. The people around us were also surprised, caught unawares like I was before, they watched with their mouth agape, their murmurs, mumbles growing louder and louder before everybody broke into action. They started moving as one, trying to help the girl who had just suddenly collapsed. I wanted to curse them, their help was not appreciated, because nobody can touch Miri except me, they were all just blocking my way.
"Move!" I shouted, anger lacing every word as I pushed through the crowd, not caring about the brute strength that a Coordinator had. People who had heard the danger in my voice moved obediently away, the crowd parting allowing me passage. I sank to my knees, hands frantically clutching at Miri's body, checking, I bent down my head, trying to see if she was breathing. Finding that she was, the breath that I was holding came out in a whoosh, the relief that came because I was not too late flooding me, but it was too early to feel that relief. I had to get her to a hospital. I had to.
"Young man, there the cab, use it." A middle aged man patted my shoulder to draw attention to himself and I nodded my gratitude. I could not speak, my chest constricted so tight I felt like I was about to burst. Miri had been so healthy, had been recovering! What had gone wrong? What?!
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Miriallia Haw
I opened my eyes slowly knowing without a doubt that I was yet again in a hospital. The silence that accompanied me with the dark was now replaced with the whoosh and beeps that was normal for a hospital. I felt a weight beside me and I forced my neck to move so that I could see Dearkka. I knew instinctively that it was him, no one else would be there.
"Dearkka?" I rasped out, trying to get my scratchy throat to cooperate. I needed to know.
"Huh?" Dearkka mumbled sleepily, his eyes blinking as I stifled a laugh at his confusion while waiting patiently for him to come to terms at his current position.
"Dearkka wake up." I cajoled softly as Dearkka's eyes widened when he saw who it was that was calling and looking at him.
"Miri! Are you all right! How do you feel now?" His voice was rising in a panic, his violet eyes wild before he snatched me up in a rough hug. His strength comforted me, his heartbeat beating strongly in his chest where my head was, I could feel its rhythm, envious yet at the same time not wishing that this would ever happen to him.
"I'm all right. There's nothing to worry about." I tried to say, but I could not. I knew that I was comforting myself more than him, I did not want to be that hypocrite. So instead, I asked him the question that I knew that he was dreading to answer.
"What did the doctor say this time?" I asked when he released me. He looked away, but I gently forced his face back towards me and waited for the axe to fall.
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Dearkka Elsman
Why did she have to do this? Why is she making me say it out? There must be a way out! This isn't real. She isn't going to die, she doesn't have cancer anymore! She doesn't! Why had it to come back! Why had it to return?!
"Dearkka?" She called out softly, gently, a whisper that glided involuntarily through the still dead suffocating air into my ears. I had always loved her calling my name, the way it rolled off her tongue so naturally, so smoothly. But now, I hated it, because it meant that I had to answer, that I had to tell her what the doctor had told me earlier.
"Dearkka, please tell me. I have to know. How long this time? Where is it now?"
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Miriallia Haw
I was staring into space again, looking at my fingers, at my surroundings, allowing my mind to wander, letting it fly to places that I wanted to go but could not. My fingers were trembling, I was cold. I pulled the blanket closer to me, grateful for the dim light and not the harsh fluorescent lights. I did not need its clarity now. I looked at the people bustling outside the private room, the nurses with their caps perched on their head, the patients they were taking care of, the visitors that came and go. Everything was going on as it was before I came here, it was only my life that was about to stop. I wondered how the other patients were coping with their death sentence. Dearkka had been reluctant to tell me, maybe he thought that if he did not mention it, it would not have happened, denial a self defense mechanism for him, but me, maybe I was a bit masochistic, but I wanted to know what would end me, and in the end, I had gotten my way.
"The brain." I whispered, the syllables slipping off my tongue as easily as Dearkka's name. This time they did not think it would ever go away again. It was just a matter of time before I….I die. Dearkka had been heartbroken, I could see the despair in his eyes and knew that when he had received the news, he had not stopped asking questions. How many doctors had we seen? Asked? We had lost count at ten. Always, we were looking for a way to escape this, but in the end, the we became just Dearkka. I lacked the drive and could not stand the disappointment when my hopes that were raised were dashed. It was not that I had given up on surviving, it was just that I had accepted. If this was what it was going to be and there was nothing I could do, well, I accept it. It was Dearkka who continued rallying, continued fighting. I was indeed a hopeless case.
Smiling mirthlessly, I pushed away the covers, grabbed the sweater Dearkka had left me before wrapping it around myself. I paused awhile, wondering if I should leave a note for Dearkka and looked around the room for a piece of paper and pen. I scribbled one and left it on the desk before slipping my feet into the hospital prepared slippers and walked out the hospital room. I had a call to make.
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Cagalli Yula Athha
"Representative Athha." I answered the phone call briskly, not wanting to waste any time on the call when I had more than enough to spend my time with. It had not occurred to me that it should be somebody close as I had forgot that I was using my cellular phone instead of the office phone.
"Cagalli." The female voice held laughter, as she understood the reason behind my briskness. It was not the first time I had been so caught up with my work that I had forgotten that it was not everything that I did.
"Miri?" I said, surprise evident. It had been quite some time since she called. I had been that caught up with work and she…she with the cancer. I was her best friend, yet, when the nights came, I blamed myself for not being able to do more for her than to provide her with the best there is. She was sufficiently grateful, but both of us knew that this was not what we wanted. She needed somebody to talk to, a girlfriend, somebody who would listen and understand what she was going through. I knew that she could not speak truthfully about herself and what she thought to Dearkka, it would scare him. Just like the last conversation when she had asked him about killing her if she asked him to. I was shocked when I heard the words tumble out of her mouth during one of our daily phone calls. I had called her mad and selfish and she had admitted it was true. Yet, even with those two words out, I understood even if I did not agree with what she was saying.
"How are you Cagalli?" She asked, her voice distant, a prelude to what was about to come.
"I'm fine. How about you?"
She chuckled, as if it was a funny question to ask. "What do you think Cagalli?" She threw it back.
I could detect that there was something wrong, something that was threatening to push out and I waited. It would come soon enough and for an instant, I wanted to end the call, just to prevent that can of worms to be opened. God knows how much I had to cope already. With the cancer, I was about to lose my best friend. Death, this time was striking too close to home.
"I don't know. You tell me." I tried kidding back, but even to my ears, I could hear the hollowness, knowing that I was prolonging the inevitable.
Miri laughed, her laughter sad and equally as hollow as my voice, "It's the brain this time Cagalli, the brain. They said that I would not survive the end of the year. It's ironic really, how this always happens when I thought that I was finally going to get better. Did you know that I was running this afternoon? That I felt so alive? Dearkka had been so happy at that time, but when I fell, I remembered the anguish, that wide eye surprise, that shock…."
"Miri…" I whispered into the phone, wanting to say something to comfort her, my brain going into overdrive, trying to recall what those secretaries in the past had written up for me as condolences whenever my presence was required, the training that was provided since young to cope with any tragedy, any situation. But nothing came, nothing at all. What should you say to somebody who was about to die? I'm sorry? I wish it was me? How do you plan to go? What do you want us to do in your funeral? Do you have a coffin ready already? I have the number, I could arrange it for you. It was preposterous, it was unreal, it was…heartbreaking.
"You remember what I said before? That I would want to die before this cancer takes me? That if the pain is too much, I do not want to live anymore? That still stands Cagalli. I would do it…..because…because…I don't think I can stand it anymore…Help me Cagalli…." Miri's words ended in a sob, a dam breaking before the phone only emitted guttural despair.
Unbidden tears welled up in my eyes, this was unacceptable. This was not supposed to happen to one of my friends, a friend who had fought so hard to survive the war. She should not succumb to something that her body was supposed to handle. It just started with one cell that multiplied too much, just one cell. Our technology was so advanced that they could tweak human genes and turned Naturals into Coordinators, so why had not anyone found out the cure for simple diseases like this? Where had all the money in the budgets gone into? What type of research was going on that one cell could not defeat?
"Please Miri…you cannot ask it of him…it's not fair to him…" I managed to splutter out, when I finally calmed down enough to speak. "You cannot…."
"I don't know Cagalli…how do you expect me to live like walking dead? How do you think I can face myself in the mirror? They said I would lose my memories, then my hands and legs, I will not be able to move around anymore, then what do you expect me to live like?! A vegetable?! A cabbage?! How?!" Her voice anguished, her anger evident. "I love Dearkka but I hate him as well, how would you feel if you were lying there and Athrun Zala moving about, doing things that you want to but cannot..how?!"
"How do you expect me to live when I'm just another human who just wants to be like another human?"
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Dearkka Elsman
I did not know that I had released my hold on the groceries bag until I heard the things dropping, crashing, breaking. I wondered if that were the sounds that could be heard inside my heart. Miri's head whipped around when she heard the commotion, the people's shocked gasps, I wondered whether it was because of her words, or the things that had tumbled onto the floor. I did not know either. What did I have to feel? What could I feel? I never thought that I would be the source of anger, or hurt in Miri. It was evident that I did not know her as well as I wished. Should I blame her? Should I be angry? Should I shout at her? Oh God…what should I do? How can I react? Yet in the end, I just walked over towards her and wrapped my arms around her shaking, quaking body. I rested my head unto her head, the tears that I would not let her see falling down. She struggled for awhile, kicking and punching, forgetting her conversation with the other end, expensing her pent up energy, howling kicking and screaming. The nurses and orderlies were surrounding us, yet unsure of what to do, their training not kicking in.
"I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…." I whispered, allowing her to punch, kick, anything she wanted, needing the pain more than she. I had promised her and I had promised myself that I would protect her. But, it seems that even Coordinators could not beat God. I hugged her close to me, her every sob breaking another piece of my heart, fracturing it until I wondered if I could ever piece it back together again.
"I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Dearkka..why! Why me?" She sobbed, not understanding, angry, betrayed. "What have I done wrong?"
"I don't know…I don't know…I'm so sorry so so so sorry…."
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Dearkka Elsman
In the end, there was indeed nothing that I could do. The nurses, the doctors, all stood by as they watched unprofessionally one of their patients dying. Actually I agreed for their actions, she needed to say those things, she needed closure, she needed it. No matter what my brain was shouting at me, my heart told me that what I did was right. I looked at her face now, sleeping yet so troubled, her brows still knitted together, frowning at her dreams. My fingers trailed her cheek, so pale and streaked with her earlier tears. What could I do?
"Dearkka?" A slight whisper caressed me, so soft, so fragile. I turned my eyes towards her, caught up in the sea of brown.
"Shh….Rest…" I said, my finger putting itself onto her chapped lips, silencing her, but, she shook her head, her eyes pleading for me to let her finish. I did not want to hear her apology, I don't think I could have accepted it. It was true and she need not say that she was sorry for facts. I had wished that I was the one who were the one lying there, I hated that cliché sentence, that it was not fair, I had come to know that no matter what happened, fairness was never one of them. First, the war, losing Nicol Amalfi, losing so many other comrades and what for? There was nothing in that fight and now my lover, friend..my future never to be wife.
" Please…let me…Dearkka…." I looked away from her eyes, I did not want to hear what she had to say. I knew it deep in my heart what she wanted, I could already hear her saying it.
"We had that conversation before Miri…please don't ask me to do it." I squeezed out, my throat so tight that I thought I would suffocate.
"I don't want to live anymore Dearkka…I can't…please…"
"Shut up! There is still hope! There still is! Operations! Medication…there are so many things out there that we have yet to try…please Miri…please…don't give up just yet…what do you want me to do after…after…"
"You promised that you would protect me…you promised…"
"Don't…don't…" I muttered, clutching my head with my hands, closing my eyes, not wanting to see that accusation, hear that accusation, I had promised, but that did not mean that I was willing to kill her…Miriallia…how can you be so cruel?
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Mirillia Haw
"I watched the sunrise this morning Dearkka, it was beautiful…I have already kept it in my memoires..but…I would loose that..my eyes, my ability to talk, to walk..I would lose all of that. I have kept all those treasured memories with me…but what was the use if I would not be able to look at them? To know that I did not regret everyone of them? Dearkka, please, don't let me die without any dignity, please let me go before I hate myself even more…"
"Then hate me! Hate me for not being able to take your place! Hate me because I failed to protect you! I will find a way for you to get better! I heard there was a new medication…it's new but there are tests…and their results…"
"Stop Dearkka." I commanded, shaking my head, smiling sadly, knowing how desperate he was for me to accept hope again. Hope. I did not want it anymore. I did not.
Dearkka Elsman
The silence that fell over us was like a blanket, smothering, making it hard to breath. My eyes were staring blindly at the hospital floor, looking at its marble patterns, swirling curling around, forming a whirlwind that twisted and churned, making me dizzy. I shut my eyes, wanting to just sleep and wake up to find the nightmare gone. I wanted it, wished for it, I did not know how to cope anymore. With the war, what I had to do was just shoot, fight, survive. Complicated emotions like these were deemed unnecessary, I had to kill, my duty was to kill, but it was like this. I did not know the opposition! I had not lived with them, I had not laughed with them, had not shared the bed with them, did not think about the every night, hoping that one day she would say yes and be the one who will share my life forever more.
"I can't…" I whispered brokenly, " I can't…" Like a broken record, I kept repeating myself, again and again, convincing her and mostly to tell me, myself that I would not do it. There were times when she was in so much pain that I had been tempted to end her misery, selfishness of not being to live on my own holding me back. Morality then, had already flown out the window. It would be easy for me, wouldn't it? I have already killed so many, what would one more mean? "Please don't ask me to do it…please…"
I have just found my sanity, don't take it away from me.
"Dearkka…."
"I need to go for a walk. I'll come back later. You sleep first all right?" I told Miri, looking everywhere except her eyes, avoiding those brown orbs like a plague. I know that if I looked into it right now, I would lose my resolve, I think I have already began the process of dying.
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Miriallia Haw
Dearkka came back a few hours after that, his eyes hooded and still averting mine. I understood and the tension in the small hospital room was so thick that a knife could slice through it all. I wondered worriedly about where he had gone, not wanting to ask but extremely concerned. It seemed that it really was his misfortune meeting me. I tried to kill him the first time I met him, and now I'm killing him again by asking him to snuff out my life. I was a horrible girlfriend, and I wished if time was able to turn back, I would turn my back on him, save him the pain and helplessness. But, my resolution will not waver. I was about to die, if I could not choose the way to die, I would then choose the when.
My nose picked up a stench that surrounded him, although Dearkka had taken the pains to mask it with cheap perfume, no doubt from his walk back from that place. I had no doubt and my eyes flicked worriedly in order to scan him, taking in the hurriedly cleaned bloodied knuckles and the slight bruising he had on his forearm. I smothered a gasp, a reprimand, knowing that if I did so, he would leave me forever. I continued looking while he continued standing in the doorway, the light from outside casting a long shadow into my room. His head was bowed, his hands clenched tightly to one side. He seemed struggling for words to say, for the courage to walk into my room, to face the woman whom had already betrayed his trust and love.
The seconds ticked passed, yet those long seconds felt like hours as we both were caught in a web of pain. I think it was him who took the first step, haltingly, slowly, pausing, as if regaining his balance before I rushed towards him, crashing into him like a whirlwind, crushing him into me, while he stood there stunned, his violet eyes that were in a daze regaining its clarity. Both of us slowly sank to our knees, slowly inch by inch until none of us knew who was supporting who. I cupped his face in my hands, kissed him hard on the mouth and then we were both tumbling to the floor, hands pawing everywhere with a desperateness that we felt and understood. It had been too long, our actions showing our hearts more than words can ever describe. It was not about the sex, it was not even about being alone. It was just how we missed each other and it was beautiful.
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Dearkka Elsman
We laid beside each other in the narrow hospital bed, dreadfully uncomfortable but doing it so nonetheless. Both of us were awake but did not speak, the only sounds were from our regular breathing and the beeps and bustle outside the room. I had my arms around Miri whom was curled up like a baby beside me and we just laid there, providing both of us comfort just by being there.
"Do you remember I used to tease you about your hair? You had to cut it one day and no matter how many times you had told the hairdresser to not cut it too short, he did not listen?"
"Do you remember that night when we first saw our full moon after the war?"
"Do you remember that first sunset, sunrise?"
Questions like these were bounced about, chuckles and indignant exclaims going about yet, both of us skirting around the real issue. I wished that this could go on forever, not wanting it to disappear, but I knew I could not kid myself. There was no way out of this dilemma.
"I'll do it."
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Miriallia Haw
We had gone back to our home the next day. We spent the last three days together like teenagers, enjoying every minute of it, dancing, making love, eating wherever we wanted, what we wanted, we watched movies, went to the beach, visited. We did all the things that other people would take for granted. Dearkka perpetually had a haunted look in his eyes, but he pretended it did not exist by being loud and vibrant. I watched him as he slept these few nights, carving his every image into my heart, his laughter, the frowns, the little quirks of his. I wanted to remember everything about him and bring it with me. I wanted to be able to recognize him if I were reborn into another life, another world. I wanted to be fated with him, be the one I could not be this time around.
"Why did you fall in love with me?" I whispered as I gently caressed his handsome face, tracing each feature, his eyebrows, his nose, his mouth. I smoothed back his blonde hair, repeating the gesture again and again and again, almost like a mother trying to comfort a child when he or she was upset. I wondered whether I was doing the same thing to the sleeping Dearkka, trying to make up for the decision he had made. He had given up so much for me and there was nothing I could give him back.
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Dearkka Elsman
"Promise me that you will finish this. Promise me." I heard Miri said, her voice soft and gentle but harsh and cruel to my ears. It was the final day, the day that I would not be able to follow her on her next journey. The last three days had passed us by all too fast. I had grasped blindly at the time, grabbing at it, not sleeping as much, not wasting any minute of it, just spending it with her, but it was evidently not enough. I did not want to let her go.
"Are you sure…" I asked, a tiny flame of hope that still lived finally extinguished when she shook her head no and held her hand up to prevent me from saying anything more. I nodded numbly and the rest passed me by in a daze that I did not want to wake up from as my own death process started when she finally stopped breathing.
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Cagalli Yula Athha
I stared long and hard at the phone, shell shocked at the phone call that I had just received from Dearkka, his flat and dead voice reverberating in my ears, sending me the message that I hoped that would never reach me. "She's dead. I killed her. Call the police."
Miri's dead…she's dead….
"You idiot…" I muttered brokenly under my breath to the empty air, blinking back the tears that had pooled in my eyes and blurred my vision. I wanted to cry, I wanted to mourn my lost, not only for my best friend, but the man who loved her. Too much and too deep that he would do anything that she asked him to. "Dearkka, you idiot!!!!" I screamed, losing control as the emotions within me surged and spilled out. I threw the phone against the wall, grimly satisfied when the phone smashed itself into smithereens, sprinkling the carpet with broken bits and pieces. It was so unfair. First Miri then now him. What did he expect her to do? Call the police so that he could be put into jail for loving Miri too much? How could she do it!
How could you be so selfish Miri! You have destroyed not only Dearkka's live but your own as well…how could you..how could you!
I buried my head into my hands and sobbed. I allowed myself to cry for the first time in such a long time. When I finally quieted down, I allowed my shaking hands to reach out to the phone to put in the call to the police. I hesitated, knowing the consequences if I did that, but to Dearkka there was nothing left and he had been quite adamant when I had tried to reason with him. It was he was already punishing himself to the death sentence. My lips curled up into a sad smile, knowing that what I thought was not far away from the truth.
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Dearkka Elsman
The police came in a whirl of black and blue. They knocked on the door, took one look at the lifeless Miri and snapped those metal clamps on me. I did not register anything, not the cold steel metal that bit into my flesh, not the pitying looks that they gave me, not the way they tried to firmly but surely push me towards the door. Not anything. But, when one of his colleagues walked towards Miri's who looked as if she was just sleeping, just snoozing on the couch, I felt that impossible glimmer of hope that she would open her eyes and look at me lovingly like she used to do in the past. I watched him walk closer, watched him bend, his hand reaching out before I exploded.
"No..no…give her back to me! Give her back!" I shouted, struggling to push free from the arms that held me back, that prevented me from going to her side. "Miriallia! Miri! MIRI!!!!" I shouted, howling at the sky, the whole world quiet except for that heartbreaking shouts that tore at everyone's hearts.
"Dearkka Elsman..we are charging you with murder.." But, nothing they said went through to me, I had to go back to Miri, she was so scared at being alone, in pain. I have to get back to her. I have to.
"Please Mr Elsman! Mr Elsman! You will have to stop or we will shoot!"
"Let me go!!" I roared, my tears already rolling down freely down onto my cheeks, creating a river of sorrow that nobody could stop. She was all that I had left, what else was there for me here on this world?
"This is your last warning!" The police stared at the beast that was me and trained their guns at me all at once. I could not have cared less and continued struggling, increasing my punches, my kicks, my howls. Finally I was free and I took a step towards Miri.
Gunshots rang out and suddenly there was this loud roaring in my ears and everything flashed white, stunning me, stopping my steps. What was this pain? What was this pain that distracted me from that horrible grief? I looked down and found blood, tasted it, smelt it. I looked at the policemen who were all shocked at the whole incident. But, instead of the screaming beast I had calmed, and I smiled, puzzling them even more than the violence from before.
"Thank you.." I whispered to them as I stumbled, dragging my feet as the guns and eyes trained themselves on me, watching in shock as the dreadfully wounded continued his final last few steps to the woman he loved, dropping down beside the pale beauty and hugging her close to his bloodied mess of a chest. All of them lowered their guns, their eyes hooded as they watched involuntarily the final scene that I had presented to them as a gentle breeze took my last words and carried them into every ear that was around…but most importantly to the girl I saw bathed in the sun, brown hair and eyes sparkling, her smile welcoming as her arms held out to me..
"Miriallia….."
Author's note: Many people have different opinions on mercy killing, I got the idea to write about this particular theme after reading a book which touched me and showed me how people could love so much to kill. I may not agree with their actions and I will never be able to judge but I hope you had enjoyed this fiction. I hope to hear from you, anything that you want to say, about mercy killing and or this piece of fiction. I hoped that I had brought out a story that had touched your heart as well as it touched mine.Thank you.