House crunched another potato chip in his mouth, staring at the happy couple in the room, chattering away as if the world were all sunshine and roses. Then he turned his head and looked back at Thirteen, who was walking away. She had a strong walk, purposeful; he had realized that over the course of her working with him.
Arlene Cuddy had given up the lawsuit and his ex-girlfriend was hiding somewhere in her office. He set the bag of chips down on the desk, making sure to spill some crumbs on the floor so he could cast a knowing look at the janitor. "Sorry 'bout that," he said.
"What's your problem man?" the janitor asked.
House frowned, and then shrugged. "I'm an addict." He said, grabbing his cane and heading the direction Thirteen had stalked off to. He passed Taub who seemed to be having a heated discussion on the phone, bothering only to cast a sideways glance riddled with sarcasm.
She was holed up in the diagnostics room, flipping through a copy of Practical Diagnostics idly, looking bored. "Fourteen." He said, she looked up, her eyebrow raised.
"Come to question me a bit more on my views on life?" she asked. House rolled his eyes, pulling a chair closer to him so he could sit down.
"Hardly, I have moved on to greater things in my life, things that still don't need a training bra." He replied. She shot him a venomous look that he promptly discarded into the not caring portion of his conscience. "Wilson still thinks I love Cuddy." He stated.
"You do," Thirteen replied as if it were the simplest problem in the world. "Why would you go through such lengths to sabotage her?"
"Because I'm an ass." House interrupted.
"Yes, but even you know when to draw the line," she said, turning the page of the book. "You seem to be running wild with your juvenile pranks and head games. It's almost like watching a second grader flirt."
House set his lips firmly into a line, exhaling a frustrated breath. "You have any plans tonight?" he asked. She looked up, wary.
"…Yes…" she said, as if that was the right answer.
"Wrong. Be over at my place at eight." He returned, standing.
"But-,"
"I'm making pasta." He offered as if that helped the situation along, and then turned and walked out the door, leaving Thirteen alone.
Taub had long finished his conversation with his ex-wife and had been leaning against the wall in the hallway, watching the exchange curiously. He wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but by the startled look in his coworker's eyes, his boss had just dropped something big.
He avoided his gaze as House limped by, then scurried into the Diagnostics room, hurriedly taking a seat. "What did he say?" he asked, interested.
"I'm having dinner at his place tonight." She said, her eyes still wide.
Taub snorted. "You're lying, what did he really want?" he asked. She turned to him, now her expression one of annoyance.
"I'm eating pasta at his place at eight. I don't even know what happened." She said. "He came in and started talking about Wilson and how he thinks that House is still in love with Cuddy. I told him that's exactly right and then he told me that I was to show up at his house at eight."
The doctor felt his jaw open in astonishment. "You don't think he's serious do you?" he asked.
Thirteen shrugged, unsure. "I think that he's trying to prove to Wilson that he no longer has feelings for Cuddy by asking me out. I don't think it will work and ultimately it will backfire on him. I also think he knew that you were watching us talk and that he could count on you to spread the news around the hospital, guaranteeing that it will reach Cuddy or Wilson without him having to say a word." She stated.
Taub had the decency to look ashamed at the spying. "Well I wouldn't tell anyone of course…" his voice trailed off as he looked back up at her. "Just let me tell Chase." He said. She sighed and waved her hand in a flippant gesture, standing to get her coat.
"I don't care who you tell, I know what the reasoning behind this is." She sighed. "Tell everyone you meet, if it reaches Cuddy and Wilson then you know that he's accomplished his goal. Do you really want to enable House?" she asked him, shooting him a knowing glance.
"Good point," Taub sighed. "Tell me how dinner is."
"Oh I'm sure you'll know long before I tell you if House really is trying to get a rise out of those two. I'm sure there'll be rumors of sexually explicit acts flying around here in no time." Thirteen said wearily, gathering her briefcase. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah, see ya." He murmured, watching her head for the locker room to collect the rest of her things.
Thirteen headed towards the elevator, her coat in her hand. She pressed the button and began waiting, looking around her for any signs of House, but she saw none; he must've gone home already.
"Hey!" she turned to see Wilson running towards her.
"Great." She muttered. "What Wilson?" she asked the man.
"Is it true that you're going out with House?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Good God you all sound like a bunch of middle schoolers! No I'm not 'going out' with House, I was invited to dinner by him." She snapped, side stepping into the elevator.
"But House told me-,"
"And you believed him?" she said.
"Good point, have a good night." Wilson replied, looking considerably more at ease as the elevator doors shut. She closed her eyes and leaned against the walls as the elevator began to descend.
House opened the door to his apartment and made his way into the kitchen, leaning heavily on his cane. Reaching below the sink he pulled out a pot and filled it with water and put it on to boil. While he did this the phone rang.
"Hello you've reached Dr. House, if your name is Wilson I don't care about what you have to say BEEP." He spoke into the receiver.
"House? It's Taub." The voice said.
"Wonderful, did I neglect to mention that I also don't care about what you have to say?" House retorted, getting out sauce from his pantry.
"What the hell are you doing with Thirteen?"
"Eating… maybe I'll get lucky too. One never knows." He told the doctor on the other end.
"You're really that adamant on proving to Cuddy you don't love her anymore?" came the unbelieving reply. "I don't think this is a good idea House."
"It's mere colleague to colleague chitchat, you worry way too much." House remarked before hanging up the phone and turning his full attention onto the meal. He worked quickly, dumping in the pasta in the boiling water and then turning his attention to the other parts of the evening.
He limped around his apartment, lighting candles and adjusting the lighting in the dining room to a low gleam. Then he moved back to the kitchen to attend to the pasta again. He strained it and added little bits of basil and garlic with the red tomato sauce, then went to his fridge to get some lettuce and romaine for a salad.
His mind was working as he tore and chopped at the vegetables, thinking about how he would go about presenting the deal to Thirteen, he was sure his circumstances were not unreasonable, in fact, he considered them to be quite worthwhile. The real problem was proposing it. He frowned as he put everything into their respective serving bowls and then moved them to the table.
She knocked once on the door with great hesitation, unsure of whether or not to run. Before she could turn and walk away back down the stairs, the door opened to reveal her boss standing there, leaning on his cane with an uninterested look on his face.
"Ah, I thought you were the hooker, but come in." he said, turning and walking into his house with her in tow.
"I know why I'm here." She said. He shot her a look over his shoulder and kept walking until they reached the dining room. He offered her a seat and took his own.
"Enlighten me." He said, taking a sip of the beer he had opened before she had come.
"You're trying to prove to Cuddy and Wilson that you don't love her anymore." She replied flatly. House looked up at her and frowned.
"You got it," he said.
"Wait, really?" she said, cocking her head.
"Yep, now, would you like to eat then talk or talk then eat?" he said.
"Um… how about both?" Thirteen asked.
"Good answer." House replied, scooping up some pasta for himself. "Now, I have a proposition for you."
She looked at him, spooning some pasta for herself onto her plate and taking a bite of it. "What?"
"Pretend to be my girlfriend for a month." Thirteen choked on her pasta, eyes bulging.
"What?" she said, taking sips of water to steady herself. "What are you talking about?"
"For a month Thirteen, it's not like I'm asking you to marry me." He huffed, taking another bite of his food. "Only to prove to Wilson and Cuddy, scout's honor."
"But it won't prove anything to Wilson and Cuddy; you'll just be fake dating me." She said, raising an eyebrow as she dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. "What does that show anyone?"
"I took acting lessons one summer when I was ten." House retorted. "I could make this semi-real, we'll just have to argue a lot and occasionally I have to let you off the hook with no clinic hours. I'm not that affectionate so I'm positive you don't have to worry about me groping your substandard rack in public."
Thirteen glared at him. "No, besides, Wilson already knows what you're trying to do, it's not going to work."
"Not right away, they won't believe it, but I have no doubt by the end of one month we'll have it down to a fine science and they'll have no choice but to believe us." House concluded. "I can give you a twenty five cent raise, I could dock your clinic time… I could give you a few extra days off. What do you want here?" he asked anxiously.
Thirteen paused, looked at him. "You really want to try and fool them don't you?" she asked.
"What gave you the idea?" he replied sarcastically. "Is that a deal?"
Thirteen brought a hand to her head and rolled her eyes. "Fine! But I better get no clinic hours for this." She reached across the table and shook his hands.
"Fantastic, now get out of my apartment." He said.
"Wait, what?" she said, mouth full of salad.
"Do you want a doggy bag?" he snapped. "I said get out of my apartment, out, now."
"Is that any way to treat your girlfriend?" she asked, swallowing her food and popping a cherry tomato in her mouth with a smile. House's mouth twitched in a display of irritation and he stood up.
"No, you're right; I would show my girlfriend to the door, using extreme force." He said, prodding her in the shoulder with his cane.
"Ow!" she protested.
"Exactly, get out." He said. Thirteen stood and quickly found herself outside of House's apartment in the dimly lit hallway.