Disclaimer- I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

First FMA fic! xD And my...hmm...forty-third overall just on this site...whatever.

I love FMA and figured it was about time to write a fic for it. It's Mustang's diary...cause Mustang is my favoirte. That's pretty much it. Trust me, the story is a lot less hyper than the intro. :)

Enjoy!

June 24th, 1916

18:59

Disposition- Slightly annoyed

Dear Diary,

First things first, this is not a diary. Men don't have diaries. Men don't even have journals, but I'm going to waive that point for now.

Anyway, this journal thing was given to me by…sigh….I guess I'll admit it- Alex Armstrong. God, he scares me. Not only is he three times my size, but he manages to make uniform pants stretch tight enough to make me gag…if you know what I mean.

I decided to use this abominable item to document my quest to make my one and true love be mine. You see, I'm not very good at admitting my feelings. So I've kind of been sitting on this for, you know, fifteen years or so. Not too long or anything.

Yes, yes, diary, I should introduce myself. Don't worry: it's my favorite subject. I am Brigadier General Roy Mustang, AKA the Flame Alchemist. I am just that awesome.

Except I am in love, which sucks. Trust me, it does. And if you don't know that, you're going to end up dying alone after your cats abandon you. Just saying.

I am in love with….here goes….bacon. Ok, no, I'm in love with Riza Hawkeye. Bacon is very epic, though. You know, epic, like Homer. The Odyssey? Get it?

Something else that brought on my spontaneous word-puke is my asshole of a friend, Jean Havoc. The one who used to be my subordinate and turned into a kick-ass weapons guy? Yeah, that was cool until he turned from that into the even-more-annoying-than-Hughes best friend. Didn't think it was possible, huh? Me neither. It's probably 'cause Havoc's not married. You know, can't get a date and all that.

Our conversation went a little like this:

Havoc- Heeeeeeeeeeey, Roy.

Me(bored, doing paperwork, ugh)- What's wrong with you?

Havoc(trying to wink to roguishly but failing-like always)- I've got a plan.

Me- Oh?

Havoc- I'm gonna get you a date.

Me- Oh.

Havoc- No, no, I'm serious this time.

Me- Ah.

Aren't I witty? I'm sure anyone else would have come up with a snappy comeback for that, but not the great General. No, not me.

Havoc- Everyone's figured it out, you know. We know you're in love.

Me- Damn it. I mean, er, what're you talking about?

Havoc- Wow, Subtle.

Yeah, he's right. That sucked. No excuse.

Me- How'd you know?

At this time I became mysteriously involved in my paperwork, which had been badly neglected. You might even say ignored.

Havoc- It's obvious!

(Insert swear word here)

Me- (Repeat)

Havoc (grinning)- Potty-mouth.

Me (sighing)- Whatever. So, do you actually have a plan to get me my girl or are you going to do what you normally do?

Havoc- Which is?

Me- Make a mess of everything.

Havoc- While that does sound fun, I would like to make a bet. Give me two weeks to get you a date with the love of your life. If I do, you have to grow a moustache. If I don't, I shave my head. How's that?

After several horrible minutes involving insulting his sanity, ancestry, and personal hygiene, I agreed.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It may not sound as bad as it is, but trust me, things haven't looked this bleak since Breda convinced Falman thongs were in.

See, I want Havoc to win. I want a date with my beloved Riza. I want her to love me.

But…I can't grow a moustache. I mean, I can, but it SUCKS. It is the most unmanly thing in the world. I swear on the Führer that it looks like a limp little worm appeared on my upper lip. I grew one in the rebellion for a really short time before Riza threatened to rip it off if I didn't shave. I did so gladly.

And that is my proof, oh glorious man journal, that this is going to suck either way. I get a date with Riza and it goes well, only to dump me because I grew a moustache or I don't and Havoc shaves his head, which sound be fun. However, it means that I made no progress.

This stinks as bad as Black Hayate's little accidents.

Haha, Riza thinks I'm doing paperwork because I'm writing in you. I'm a tricky one, aren't I?

So. I need to keep writing in you to make Riza happy, but I'm almost burned out. Yeah. I have so much paperwork to do…I hate having a desk job. Who would think getting to Führer would take so much work?

Ugh. Oh, crap. Riza's glaring at me. I think she knows this isn't paperwork. Gotta go.

With manly love,

Brigadier General Roy Mustang

Mustang''s name was originally in a cursive font, but you know ...

I really enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it! I'm almost done with the other chapters, so it won't be too long before more comes out. It's not going to be very long, don't worry!

Please review! :)