Chapter one
"I hope Fossil hasn't given our slot to another group of copycats. We haven't had a gig in ages." Vince thought to himself as he walked towards The Velvet Onion. He knocked on the door of Bob Fossil's office. "Come in, if you're coming" answered him. As he walked in, he saw Fossil sitting at his desk, playing with toy soldiers. There was a curtain hanging the corner, hiding a small space, from which a clicking noise was coming.
"Hey - hang on. What's behind that curtain?" Vince asked curiously.
"Oh, that curtain?" Bob Fossil looked up from his plastic army. "That's my servant, I don't remember her name. She's typing out the band list for tonight. OI, YOU!" He looked over at the curtain. "Come and meet Vince!"
With a dull swish, the curtain moved aside as a skinny girl, probably aged about twelve or thirteen, walked through it. She had waist-length black hair, but it was quite knotted and dirty. She was wearing what looked like an oversized t-shirt with a computer cord as a belt around her waist. The t-shirt had the words "THE VELVET ONION" across the back in flaking white letters. Her eyes were blue, tinged green around the pupil.
"I have a name, you know." she said, irritated.
"What is it, then?" Fossil answered.
"Sapphire Diamante, and you should know it! I've been working for you for weeks! I remember your na -" She stopped mid sentence as she looked towards Vince. "I love your coat! And your boots, they're amazing! Where'd you get them and how much were they?" she asked Vince.
"Topshop. The coat was £7.99 and the shoes were a fiver. I got them in a sale." He answered. Clothes were his area of expertise, after all.
"Wow. When I get my PAYCHECK," She shot a glare in Fossil's direction. "I'll go get some. Vince was your name, right? Where do you work?"
"That's none of your business" Fossil said before Vince could answer. "Get back to the band list, slave!"
Sapphire walked up to Fossil's desk, grabbed a roll of sellotape that he was using to knock toy soldiers over, then sellotaped his mouth shut.
"As I was saying," She said, walking over to Vince. "where do you work?"
"I work in a second-hand shop." Vince answered, grinning as Fossil tried to detach the sellotape. "I work there with my mate, Howard."
"Cool. Who owns the shop?" Sapphire asked, intrigued.
"Oh, Naboo the Enigma. He's a shaman. His familiar, Bollo, helps him." Vince explained.
"Do you have any vacancies? I want to get away from him." She gestured towards Fossil, still struggling with the sellotape.
"Tell you what, you can be my apprentice. I mostly deal with the clothes and the customers. Howard does the stocktaking." Vince said.
"Yeah, sounds cool. Ask Captain Numbskull if I can go with you." Sapphire gestured, once again, to Fossil now bright red in the face, tugging at the tape. "Oh, hang on," She said, grinning. "I used gaffer tape.
Vince sauntered over to Fossil, ripped off the gaffer tape away from Fossil's face, then covered his ears as the club owner howled in pain.
"I'm…gonna…KILL…that…girl! Out of my way, ponce!" Fossil snarled as he tried to push Vince aside.
"If she's that much trouble, I'll have her. I can teach her a thing or two about behaviour." Vince winked over his shoulder at Sapphire.
"NO! SHE'S MINE!!" Fossil was fuming by now.
"Does your MOTHER know about your little friend?" Vince asked, smiling slyly.
Fossil froze. "Take her. Just…don't tell Mom I'm not in 'Nam." he said, clearly terrified.
"See ya, then! Nice leaving you! Sapphire waved at Fossil as she left, suitcase packed.
"Don't worry about the gig, Fossil. Thanks for the apprentice." Vince grinned at the bemused Fossil as he left.
Chapter two.
"I wonder where Vince is… He's been gone for ages and he hates Bob Fossil's company more than I do. I hope he's got our gig." Just as these thoughts formed in Howard's head, the door opened and Vince strutted in, but, he was accompanied by someone. A young girl who was talking animatedly to Vince about the price of modern clothes.
"Who's this, Vince? And why were you gone so long?" Howard demanded.
"Oh, right, right. Howard, this is Sapphire, she's my new apprentice. Sapphire, this is Howard. He's my best mate." Vince introduced them.
"Oh, yeah. You mentioned him. Nice to meet you, Howard." Sapphire said brightly, shaking Howard's hand. "Hey, Vince? Have you got any cool clothes I can wear? This t-shirt is horrible. Can I have a shower too?"
"Yeah, fine. I'll show you around the flat upstairs." Vince followed her upstairs. "I'll give you a hand with the displays in a bit, Howard." Vince added, smiling at him.
Howard was confused and annoyed. Where'd he get an apprentice? And why hadn't he, Howard, thought of having an apprentice? "I'll get one tomorrow." Howard thought to himself. " Vince and his apprentice can look after the shop. Sapphire looks like a girl capable of looking after a small shop for a bit."
Vince came down the stairs, smiling. "She's cool, isn't she?"
"Kinda. Where'd you find her?" Howard asked.
"Oh, Fossil was enslaving her. She knows a lot about modern fashion. She'll be a big help." Vince explained. "Now, where do you want these figurines to go?"
About half an hour later, Sapphire came down, but she looked different. Her hair was washed and brushed into long bunches, tied up with what looked like neon green shoelaces, with the ends trailing down into her flowing hair. She was wearing a bright pink t-shirt that, judging by the fraying ends and sleeves, had just been cut small for her. She was also wearing black and white horizontally striped leggings, also cut small for her,
"Vince? Where's that skirt you said was down here?" she asked cheerfully.
"Here it is." Vince said, passing her a mini-skirt, black, with a layer of netting, the same shade of pink as her t-shirt, and a ribbon on the front to match.
"Hang on, Vince. That skirt was expensive." Howard cut in.
"Come on, Howard. It looks great on her, look." Vince said, and sure enough, it did. It went really well with the t-shirt and it fitted her perfectly.
"Oh, fine. But only if you pay this week's rent." Howard told him.
"Fine." Vince agreed. "Hey, did we have any customers while I was at Fossil's lair?"
"Err…oh we did actually. Someone bought that transparent phone that we'd had for ages." Howard remembered.
"Can I have a job?" Sapphire asked. "I'm kind of bored."
"Yeah. Can you put these clothes in colour order?" Howard asked. "Vince was supposed to do it yesterday, but he forgot."
"Ok, from which colour to which?" She asked, smiling.
As Vince told her in which order, Howard was thinking to himself, over and over. "My apprentice is going to be so much better."
Chapter three
" There must be someone worthy of being my apprentice around here. There must be! Someone who's interested in jazz, trumpets, poetry and theatre." Howard thought to himself as he walked through a wood. He'd been out all day looking for a suitable apprentice. Everyone he'd seen had either known more about his hobbies than him or had fled from him at first sight. He was walking through the wood to think and clear his mind. Where else could he find an understudy? As these thoughts formed in his mind, he heard accomplished jazz being played on a trumpet. All the squirrels, who'd been scampering through the trees, ran from the trumpet's sound. Howard sprinted in the opposite direction of the squirrels. About five minutes later, he came to the clearing where the jazz was coming from. A young boy, probably about twelve, was playing this tune. He had short, blonde hair and grey eyes. He was wearing a tattered black suit and dirty black boots. He looked up when he heard Howard's footsteps, and nearly dropped his trumpet in surprise. The boy hurriedly picked up his trumpet case, put the trumpet carefully inside and started to run away.
"Wait!" Howard cried and sprinted after him. "You're perfect to be my apprentice!"
The boy stopped. "Apprentice? What do you mean perfect?" He had the kind of voice boys in a school choir have, really sweet and innocent.
"I've been searching for an apprentice all day, and you match the job description!" Howard said excitedly.
"What are you talking about?" the boy said incredulously "I'm a homeless boy who gets money for food by playing the trumpet my father gave me."
"If you become my apprentice, you can learn a detailed history of jazz and work in a second-hand shop, which means you wouldn't be homeless anymore. Please, you are the perfect apprentice for Howard Moon, jazz maverick." Howard pleaded.
"Err…ok, I'll do it. I'm Peter." He reached out his hand.
"Howard Moon." Howard shook it
Chapter four
"Where's Howard?" Sapphire asked. "He's been gone all day."
"He's looking for the perfect apprentice." Vince answered. " Pass us the pricing gun."
He and Sapphire had been watching the shop all day, in Howard's absence. Sapphire was really efficient at pricing and stacking. Their work had been done much quicker than usual. Also, Sapphire always had a good conversation at the ready. They hadn't been bored all day. Just as Vince priced the last pair of jeans and Sapphire hung them on the rack, Howard walked in, but he was accompanied by someone. A young boy talking animatedly to Howard about jazz.
"Hey Howard, who's this? Your apprentice?" Sapphire asked, smiling at the young blonde boy standing by Howard's side.
"Yeah, " Howard said. "Peter, this is Vince and his apprentice Sapphire. Sapphire, Vince, this is Peter. He's my apprentice."
"Nice to meet you, Peter." Vince said, shaking his hand.
"Yeah, nice to meet you." Sapphire agreed, shaking Peter's hand too.
"Nice to meet you two. Howard? Do you have needle and thread? I need to sew up this suit.
"Yeah, I'll show you around the flat upstairs." Howard followed Peter upstairs. "I'll help you two with the stocktaking later."
"He seems alright, doesn't he?" Vince asked.
"Yeah, I just hope Howard doesn't push him into being far superior to me." Sapphire answered.
"Which he'll definitely do. He's too competitive." Vince told her.
On this note, Howard walked downstairs, grinning more than Vince had seen him grin in weeks.
"Isn't he the perfect apprentice for me?" Howard asked. "He plays trumpet, he can act, he's interested in - are you listening?!"
Vince had just struck up a conversation about Cheekbone with Sapphire.
"Kind of." Sapphire said, grinning. "Peter this, Peter that, jazz, acting, things of interest, right?"
"That's not - Aargh!" Howard shouted, then stormed upstairs.
"He's so proud of ickle Peter, isn't he?" Vince teased.
"Yeah, proud of his trumpet playing and his acting skills. He's such a good boy." Sapphire answered.
"I wonder why it took him so long to find Little Mr Perfect." Vince wondered.
"Sometimes it's hard to find the right one. It's just by good luck that you found me, after all." Sapphire pointed out.
"Guess so. I just hope he doesn't go on about the little ray of sunshine's talents too much."
"Me too."
Chapter five
Over the next few days, the competition between the apprentices rose. Sapphire was funny and fast at sorting displays, but Peter was charming and good at convincing people to buy things. So together, they helped the shop's popularity rise. But Howard was pushing Peter to be better than Sapphire and, naturally, Sapphire tried extra hard to be better than Peter. Vince didn't tell her to, but she had a competitive nature. In the end, Vince took Sapphire to one side.
"Right, I've been watching you over the last few days. You're being too competitive." Vince told her. "You need to just…relax a bit. Sure, if Peter looks better than you, Howard will be a right pain in the arse, but it doesn't matter. I'll deal with him. You have to try and be nice to Peter, no matter what Howard gets him to do."
"But he keeps taking my customers, getting them to buy jazz pencil cases rather than stylish leggings." Sapphire complained.
"Who cares? The money all goes to the same place. And, the less clothes you sell, the more clothes you and I can poach for ourselves, eh?" Vince winked then went up to the flat.
Howard took Peter to one side.
"Right, I just saw Vince take Sapphire to one side, probably to discuss tactics." Howard said quickly, as though someone may come and foil his plans if he stalled. "You have to sell more than her, way more than you've sold yet. Now the trick is - "
"Look, Howard, why do I have to compete with Sapphire? Why can't I work in harmony with her? We both excel in different parts of a shopkeeper's expertise. If we worked together, we could sell more than we've ever sold separately." Peter asked.
Howard stopped and thought. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe harmony was the answer.
"Right, try working in harmony for one day, we'll see if you're right." He decided eventually.
"Thank you!" Peter said, then went back behind the counter.
The next morning, Howard woke with a start. His dreams were invaded with Sapphire taking over the world, with Vince at her side, guiding her. He woke just before Sapphire stamped on him. He looked out of the window. It was still dark and, according to Vince's neon alarm clock, it was five am. Vince was still asleep. He was muttering things like "No, red and pink don't go!" and "Beetroot juice stains, don't do it!" it would be mean to wake him. Howard walked to the spare room, where Sapphire and Peter were sleeping. Sapphire was fast asleep, snoring gently. Peter, on the other hand, was curled up with a torch, reading "a detailed history of jazz" that Howard had given him. They looked peaceful, so Howard left silently. Sleep would eventually come.
Peter hadn't slept much. He wasn't sure how working in harmony would work. "Howard is very competitive," He thought, as he reached for his torch to read the "detailed history of jazz" that Howard gave him. Soon, his troubles were shrouded in jazz dates and names.
Chapter six
Vince woke up. According to his alarm clock, it was midday. Time to open the shop. He looked round at Howard's bed and Howard was knelt over a book entitled "Good salesmen techniques" jotting down notes every so often. Vince got up, got dressed and went to wake the apprentices.
When he opened the door to the spare room, it was empty. "They must have opened the shop already." Vince thought, smiling. He went downstairs to find the shop over-crowded. Sapphire was by the clothes, reciting the price of the black skinny jeans to a young emo, whilst Peter was trying to sell a John Coltrane record to an elderly man, who was confused between five and ten pound notes. For once though, they weren't taking each other's customers. Sapphire's queue mainly consisted of teenagers desperate for clothes in fashion, and Peter's queue was mainly middle aged and old people, dressed in corduroy, looking for rare jazz LPs. They were making more money, it transpired, than usual, because they were serving more customers.
"Hey, how's it going?" Vince asked loudly over the noise.
"Brilliant. I've sold loads of clothes we've had for ages!" Sapphire shouted back.
At that moment, Howard came downstairs. He had a long list of tips from his book in his hand. "Peter! You're doing it all wrong!" He shouted at his apprentice. "You're supposed to take her customers in order to make more money!"
"The money all goes to the same place!" Sapphire yelled at Howard. "Why do we have to have competition?"
An idea came to Howard's head. "That's it! We can have a quiz to see who knows more about their superior! It's perfect!" He shouted.
"As long as it's after the shop shuts." Peter said.
"Yeah, we don't want to lose customers." Sapphire agreed.
"Fine. Naboo can ask the questions. That way, we can't cheat by giving them easy questions." Howard figured out.
"You're on. If Naboo's up for it, obviously." Vince said.
At about five thirty, they shut the shop.
"Right, time for the contest." Howard said eagerly.
"Naboo's agreed, right?" Vince asked.
"Yeah, he'll be here soon. He's at a shaman's meeting." Howard replied.
Just as the words left his mouth, Naboo walked in.
"Right, so you want me to quiz your apprentices on you, right?" he asked.
"Yeah." Howard said immediately.
"ok, bring them in, Bollo." Bollo ushered the apprentices in. He was wearing a cap bearing the word "Security".
"Ok, positions apprentices. Here comes the quiz."
Chapter seven.
"Question one. Sapphire, what is Vince's special talent?" Naboo asked.
"He can talk to animals." Sapphire answered without hesitation.
"Correct. Ten points to Sapphire. Peter, what is Howard's special talent?" Naboo queried.
"He's a multi-instrumentalist because he sold his soul to the Spirit of Jazz." Peter answered immediately.
"Correct, ten points to Peter. Sapphire, what magazine does Vince read regularly?" Naboo questioned.
"He reads Cheekbone, which is delivered every three hours." Sapphire answered expertly.
"Correct, ten points. Peter, what magazine does Howard read regularly?" Naboo asked.
"He reads Global Explorer, the cover of which he aspires to be on one day." Peter informed.
"That's right." Naboo said. "Ten points. Sapphire, what hair products does Vince use?"
"He uses Root Booster and Nicky Clarke straighteners." Sapphire replied.
"Right." Naboo told her. "Ten points. Peter, what is Howard's main obsession?"
"Jazz." Peter said simply.
"Exactly." Naboo agreed. " Ten points. What are the scores?"
"Equal. Thirty points each." Bollo said.
"Right, let's make it interesting. Two of the next eight questions, that's one of each of your next four questions, will be worth twenty. But I'm not telling you which one." Naboo grinned.
"Good idea, Naboo." Howard agreed. "Hang on, where's Vince?"
"Topshop sale." Bollo told him
"Anyway, Sapphire, how old is Vince?" Naboo asked, getting back to the quiz.
"Twenty-two." Sapphire answered quickly.
"True." Naboo stated. "Ten points. Peter, how old is Howard?"
"Um…err…I don't know." Peter admitted.
"He's thirty-two. His last birthday was a disaster, I can tell you." Naboo told him, smirking at the memory. "Vince and Howard kissed to avoid getting Vince killed by a angered shaman with a sword."
Peter and Sapphire sniggered. "How did that happen?" Peter asked.
"Well -" Naboo started.
"You've said enough, Naboo. I'd hoped it would never be spoken of again!" Howard cut in.
"Ok, ok, Sapphire, how did Vince get the scar on his side?" Naboo went back to the quiz.
"ummm…err…I have no idea." She admitted at last.
"It was Nicky Clarke straighteners. He fell asleep on them. Anyway, Peter. Who was Howard's crush in the zooniverse?" Naboo asked.
"Mrs Gideon, but she never remembered his name." Peter recalled, with a smile.
"that's right." Naboo said. "Ten points for that one. Sapphire, what was the name of the keyboard player who quit the band Kraftwerk Orange on account of Vince?"
"Johnny…Two Hats right? Sapphire said, uncertainly.
"It is right." Naboo assured her, now getting into the flow of hosting a quiz. "And that was worth…twenty points!!!" He created confetti in mid air.
"Chill out Naboo. It's just a quiz." Howard reminded him.
On that note, Vince burst in. "Hey, cool, confetti!" he cried, twirling around in it.
"Get out of the way, Vince. There's still a quiz going on." Naboo reminded him, annoyed.
"Oh, yeah." Vince said, then walked silently towards his seat.
"Anyway, Peter. What's…"
The quiz went on. By the time Naboo's questions ran out, the scores were even.
"There's only one way to settle this… a Satsuma fight." Naboo said, at last.
Chapter Eight
The sun was shining as Sapphire and Peter prepared for the Satsuma fight. "As tradition dictates," Naboo told them. "You have to have this fight in your underwear."
"WHAT!! I'm not having that!" Sapphire cried, outraged.
"Nor me! That's embarrassing!" Peter agreed.
"I'm afraid you'll have to." Howard said solemnly. "It's the one and only rule."
"Of course, another rule is that you can only throw Satsumas." Vince reminded him. "That's the whole point."
"Yeah, I know that!" Howard said angrily. "I'm not stupid."
"Whatever." Sapphire cut in, before Vince could retort. "Let's just get this over with."
She was wearing a pink vest with a koala on it, and flowered underwear. Peter was wearing a black vest with silver musical notes on it and black boxer shorts.
Vince sniggered. "Shut up." Peter retorted angrily.
"ok, ok. Chill out." Vince replied warily, backing off towards the wall.
"OK! Satsumas at the ready," Naboo commanded. "On your marks, get set…GO!"
Peter threw the first Satsuma. "En garde." He said.
Sapphire dodged it, then threw a less ripe one. "Bring it on." She said, smiling.
"Bets here! Sapphire or Peter! Odds -"
"NABOO!" Vince and Howard shouted in unison. "Stop it! You're referee."
"Ok, keep your hair on." Naboo said, sitting down to the side of the match.
The match was hotting up. Bruised as the were, the apprentices persisted. The match went on for another hour. "Right. That's enough." Naboo said finally. "It's time for sudden death. You will both be asked a question on your opponent's mentor. If you both answer it correctly, you'll be asked another question, until one of you answers incorrectly."
"Ok Naboo, bring it on." Peter told him.
"Yeah, go on." Sapphire agreed.
"Right. Peter, what were the names of the female members of the band Kraftwerk Orange with whom Vince worked for a short time?"
Peter thought for a moment. Had Howard mentioned them? He had. "Yeah, that band was a disaster," Howard had told him. "Neon and Ultra, the girls, they stabbed everyone up after that failure of a gig."
"They were called Neon and Ultra." Peter answered.
"You're right!" Naboo said, surprised. "Right, Sapphire, what was the name of Howard's jazz mate who was accidentally beheaded at Howard's last birthday?"
Sapphire paused. Had Vince ever mentioned Howard's last birthday to her? Yes he had. "I used to have this lovely cape, silver and flowing, but I had to give it to Howard's jazz mate, Lester Corncrake at Howard's last birthday, to avoid getting killed." Vince had told her.
"His name was Lester Corncrake." Sapphire answered unsurely.
"That is right!" Naboo said excitedly. "Another round of questions!"
"How many extra question cards do you have, Naboo?" Vince asked. "Colobus the Crab starts in fifteen minutes."
"I've got three more for each of them." Naboo told him, counting the cards. "One of them has to get one wrong."
"Let's hope so." Howard said. "It'll be dark soon."
Chapter Nine
"Peter, who are Vince's heroes?" Naboo asked him.
"Mick Jagger and Gary Numan." Peter replied, remembering what Howard had told him about the zooniverse.
"Correct. Sapphire, what instrument did Howard play in Kraftwerk Orange's song "Electro"?"
"He played keyboard." Sapphire told him, recalling the tale of that fateful performance that Vince had told her.
"That's right." Naboo told her. "Peter, what did Vince get Howard for his last birthday?"
"A…bouncy castle." Peter said, remembering the full story of Howard's last birthday.
"Correct." Naboo replied. "Sapphire, whose idea was it to have that party?"
"Umm…err…Howard's?" She guessed unsurely.
A shout of triumph came from the seats. She was wrong.
"no, it was Vince's idea." Naboo said, smiling. "Sorry Sapphire. Peter is the winner."
"I was almost certain you were going to win." Peter said, shaking Sapphire's hand.
"Oh, well." Sapphire replied. "Vince and I will have to endure Howard's gloating for the next decade." She sighed.
As she said it, Howard danced over to them. "Loser! Loser! You are a loser! Loser! Loser! Lo-"
Sapphire grabbed a roll, sellotape this time, from the table and sellotaped Howard's mouth shut.
"Hope it holds." she said. Smiling, she walked into the shop.
Vince went over to Peter. "Well done." He told him. "That is very full knowledge. I hope Howard shuts up after he gets that sellotape off."
Howard pulled the sellotape off carefully. "I will shut up, but will I really shut up?" He asked.
"Yes you will." Vince told him. "Because if you don't, it will be gaffer tape."
"Oh, really?" Howard replied, and they started arguing.
"I'm going to practice my trumpet, maybe watch Colobus the Crab." Peter said to them, but they ignored him.
"See you later." Peter said gloomily. "Idiots" He thought to himself.
The End