A/N-This was among the first of my LOTR fics. I found it when I was clearing out my hard drive and decided to upload it onto Enjoy!
Disclaimer: All the characters used in this fic belong to Tolkein…though he'd probably be spinning in his grave if he saw what uses I was putting Merry and Pippin to ;)
Let Me Hold You
I can feel you beside me. I can feel you as you twitch, trying not to wake me up. I've been awake since dawn, and now with the weak sunlight streaming through the curtains we left open last night, I can feel you stir, pretending to be awoken by the sun's rays. But I know better. You've been awake since you cried out in the middle of the night, waking from the same dream. Yes, I know. It's been replaying over and over, coming back to taunt you and you've been whimpering names in your nightmares. How I want to hold you, and make it go away.
You cried last night. You thought I was asleep but I felt you shaking as you wept into your pillow. I wanted to reach over and wrap my arms around you, to envelop you in my own warmth. I wanted to protect you. But something held me back. A force led by a small thought, warning that if I embraced you like I so wanted, I would not be able to stop. Because I'd do anything just to hear you cry out, just to hear you whisper my name like you used to. It is because I am weak. Made weak. I am weak to the will of one whom I love.
So I listened to you weep. I felt my own tears slide gently down my cheeks as I remembered what we had been through. Frodo and Sam had been through worse, but Frodo's gone, disappeared forever, and Sam's carried on, like nothing's changed, but it'll never be the same, not without Frodo. We feel it, all of us, but Sam feels the deep loss inside more, though he's just become a father for the fourth time. He's trying to settle down and carry on. To let go, to forget. His though is a loss nothing can repair.
We still have each other, and Estella, and Diamond. They're fine girls, but what is their love for us compared to the love we share? You don't know it, but soon you will become a father. Diamond knows, she told Estella, who told me. When I found out I thought of running away with you, the same feeling I felt when I found out that you father intended to marry you to Diamond. I thought of finding her and killing her, but what would happen then? I'd be taken away, and I'd never see you. You're not ready for anything else. They don't understand how it pains you because you're still so unprepared, inexperienced for all the weight a family brings. But I can see it in your eyes. I know that for the time being you'd rather put a stop to all the family business and be melancholy. I know.
People go about their lives like nothing's happened, like countless people didn't die to save whom they loved. Like thousands of people didn't risk their lives to fight for their freedom. They don't understand what we've been through, what Frodo's been through, what Sam's been through. They don't realise how safe they are because of it all. And I know how much the insignificance of it all irks you, hurts you. I understand. You don't need all this. I've known you for longer than Diamond. You're not strong enough to go on like this. You should have never had to bear this. You faced so many horrors, and now your mind is troubled forever, and I understand. You are the only one who truly understands what it is like, and for that I treasure you, because you should not have to know.
I turn over to take you in my arms, because you are shivering. And I'm hoping to god it's because you cold and not because of the old fears coming back again. I gather your fragile little figure in my arms and hold you close. I tingle all over as you weakly whisper my name into my ear, your breath gently puffing strands of my hair. I remember and love this feeling. You've got an ounce of strength left from all the tossing and turning from your nightmares. Now's my chance to show you how much I care, and that I understand. I cup your chin and you gaze up at my face, eyes locked with mine. I can see years of your haunted past in your eyes, full of emptiness, if that makes any sense. And I want to tell you, to comfort you, but it will never make any difference. My world alights whenever you smile, or laugh genuinely. And now I can see a faint smile teasing across your mouth, the mouth that always seems to make things better. There are no tears in your eyes, for the first time in weeks, and I feel a happiness inside me, welling up for the first time in years. At least for now I can hold you. I can still see the faint unhappiness in your eyes, but it's disappearing, the past horrors for the time being forgotten.
We need eachother. We need eachother to understand that comforting words are not enough, and that a simple kiss can mean the world. We need eachother to draw strength from the other's presence. We need eachother because no-one understands. And I need you to know that I love you, Peregrin, and that I will hold you until the tears go away.
A/N: Review, my pretties!