James T. Kirk

She had long chestnut hair, great legs, and baby blue eyes. She was smart, strong, and good with her hands. She had to be since she worked in engineering. The only problem with her was that Kirk knew next to nothing about machines. And the way he saw it was that unless they had something to talk about, their relationship would go nowhere fast. Luckily he had one smart Scottish engineer to help him with his problems.

"Let me get this straight. Ye want me to tell you about how machines run so ye can woo Colleen to yer bed, that right, Captain?" asked Scotty.

He paused before answering, "Yes."

Scotty clapped his hands and rubbed them together in excitement, a big grin spreading across his face.

"Well then, we've got work to do!"

Four days and a million headaches later, Kirk felt he knew enough to carry a conversation with the lovely Colleen. He didn't, however, anticipate being turned down.

"What am I supposed to now?" he whined to his red shirted friend.

"Care for a drink?"

*

Uhura

It was just after dinner when Scotty found Uhura crying in a storage closet. He had heard the light sobs as he was making his way back to engineering, and he was surprised at what he saw.

"Are ye alright, lassie? What seems to be the trouble?" he asked as he took a seat next to her on an over-turned bucket.

"I-it's nothing. I'll-I'll b-b fine!" she wailed as fresh sobs wracked her body.

Scotty tentatively put a warm hand on her back to let her know he was there for her if she needed him.

"Ye know ye can talk to me, lass. I won't tell anyone about this."

She wiped her eyes with a tissue and took a few deep breaths before telling him what was bothering her.

"Spock told me that w-we couldn't be together anymore b-because he was starting to get too attached to me. I t-tried to t-tell him that that was supposed to happen in a relationship, b-but he wouldn't listen to me!"

Hearing this made the Scotsman's blood begin to boil.

"Listen, Ms. Uhura, don't let that pointy eared bastard make ye feel low. He doesn'na know what he just threw away. Me mother'd be ashamed if I'd ever treated a lady like that!"

Uhura couldn't help but give a small chuckle at that. He was probably telling her the truth too.

"Thank you Mr. Scott," she said, throwing her arms around him in a big hug.

"Ah, don'na mention," he answered, blushing a little, "Now ups-a-daisy and back to work. No more tears now?"

She shook her head no, feeling better already. And Scotty walked back to his post, cursing Spock six ways from Sunday.

*

Chekov

"I do not understand. Vhy is dancing so important to know?" asked Chekov to Scotty.

"Because, Ensign, show a lassie you know how to move on the dance floor tells her how well you'll move in her bed."

At this, Chekov's face went bright red.

"I never thought of it zat way before."

"Well now you know. So let's begin again. The waltz."

Scotty reached over to press the computer's button to start the music. He then held up his hands as if he were holding an invisible partner.

"Now watch me. One-two-three. One-two-three. And one-two-three. See? And don'na forget to turn and spin her sometimes, too, to keep things unexpected."

At Chekov's confused look, Scotty stopped the music with a sigh and waved him over.

"I guess yer gonna be needin' a practical demonstration then. You can be the girl."

"Vhy can't you be zhe girl?" he asked indignantly.

"Because I know the steps."

The younger man rolled his eyes. "Fine. I vill start zhe music then."

Right in the middle of their third turn around the engineering deck, they looked up at the sound of barely concealed laughter. Apparently the bridge had been trying to get in contact with him for the past hour and they had decided to go see what the matter was. As it turns out, their whole lesson was now part of the ship's library, courtesy of Captain Kirk.

"Should I tell Colleen ye said hello, Captain?" he asked.

At the deer-caught-in-headlights look he received, he this wouldn't get around to the whole ship. This was only reinforced when he heard Kirk ask Spock to erase all the evidence.

*

Sulu

"I just hate Aria. She just gets under my skin sometimes," complained Sulu to Scotty at lunch one day.

"And why are ye sayin' that?"

"She thinks she's better than everyone else. Like she's all that and a bag of chips."

"Are ye sure it's not just because she beats ya at fencing every time, lad?"

This left Sulu sputtering; not being able to come up with an answer was answer enough for Scotty.

"Nothing wrong with a woman who can defend herself. Means she's strong and strong willed. I know yer pride is hurt now, but think how much energy she must have to beat ye in battle. Must be a great lass if ya ask me."

Sulu mulled this over after taking a few bites of food.

"Maybe I should go talk to her, huh?"

"I'd say so."

But Sulu was no longer listening. He was already walking over to Aria's table and shaking her hand over another great match. Scotty smiled to himself before wondering when he had become the ship's matchmaker.

*

Bones

Bones doesn't need advice about sex and relationships. He's a doctor, not a teenage girl.