Disclaimer: I don't own the song, or the characters excepting Ayumi and the unnamed, faceless, and ever-so-convenient 'Kurama's fiancé.' I do own the plot line so no copying, please. If I inspire you, great. Don't just change a name or two or anything like that and post it.
Meh, here we go. About two hours at work spawned this while listening to Hate Me on repeat. I'm sorry if Hiei's personality is all over the place, but this story confused me as much as he seems confused. I think I netted an in character at the end, though. I had to indulge in the plot bunnies. They would've eaten me had I not obeyed. Now, onto the story!
Rain splashed gently around them, wetting the two figures facing each other, a man and a girl of the same height.
"I'm leaving you. For good." Hiei's voice was a near growl, rough with forced anger.
"What?" The question was incredulous, the almost childish voice cracked harshly. The girl stared at him for a few moments, swaying slightly in shock. Then, as if the full weight of his words hit her physically, she collapsed to the pathway almost gracefully in a sort of slow motion, the dark skirt she wore billowing out as she fell. He made no move to catch her, and the fall jarred her slender frame. She bowed her head to hide the tears that started to fall, her mousy brown hair falling in wet clumps around her too-thin face. She was heedless of the scrapes the harsh concrete opened on her bare knees and her hands.
It was with an effort that he resisted the urge to snap at her, to vent his anger at her show of weakness. He was doing her a favor leaving her, he wanted to shout. She should be greatful.
Her suddenly dull blue eyes filled up with tears, a lower lip just barely trembled and her nose turned bright red. But Hiei didn't see all this - he was too busy walking away. Away from this weakness he had indulged in for far too long, away from the life he would ruin if he stayed. Away from the threat she posed to him, and he to her. His thoughts tangled mercilessly and he couldn't straighten them out, but still he walked as her tears splashed to the concrete. His was just an illusion of strength as his heart twisted painfully in rhythm of her sobs. Her mind was slippery on his as he carefully unwound the bond they both so needed, even now that he was leaving. Especially now that he was leaving. But, with another twist to his chest, harder and more painful this time as he felt her thoughts and memories fall like faintly glowing grains of sand through his mental fingers. And then his mind let go of hers. He convinced himself he was doing something for her good, something for THEIR good as she sobbed harder at the gaping hole in her mind, the all-consuming absence he left.
Steeling himself and blocking out the sounds of her crying, he walked on, ignoring the pleading touch of her mind against his. Through the rain he walked out of the park and walked out of her life.
It was hours later that she finally ran out of tears to shed, huddled on the wet pavement but not caring. She was beyond the cold, beyond the rain that still fell, crying as she could not. It was a strange feeling, this emptiness, this sense of staggering loss. It was as if a piece of her very soul had torn itself away from the rest of her, walking away with Hiei. Tears threatened to overwhelm her again, swamping her with the greif she had barely beaten back the last few hours. Something in the back of her awareness whispered of a way out, an acceptance of this terrible loss. She struggled to keep that at bay, struggles that exhausted her.
---
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
---
Hiei never could understand why some of the songs ningens sang could pin down his feelings so well. He sat in a bar between the fox and Yusuke, staring at his glass half full with the amber liquid Kurama called brandy. It warmed his stomach, pleasantly so; like thoughts of watching her accomplish some difficult task he set her to. This was supposed to be a good night, to celebrate Kurama's recent engagement, but he was just depressed. The emptiness he felt was achingly echoed by the cover band singing up on the stage. He was making her life better, wasn't he? She wouldn't want to wait for him while he was away in the Makai, or put up with his temper, the danger he put her in. She wouldn't want him if she found that she couldn't mold him like the ningen onnas always seemed determined to. Just look at Yusuke, pitifully whipped. No, she wouldn't want him.
"Hey, Hiei, what's up? Keiko just called and said Ayumi didn't show up at their party."
Yusuke's voice cut through the confusing tangle of thoughts and Hiei looked up, eyes a little bleary with thoughts of the past and the brandy. Her name tried to chip at the protection he erected around his heart, but he shrugged it off, returning his eyes to the glass. Kurama and Yusuke looked at him expectantly, but were disappointed by a noncommittal grunt.
"I don't know where she is. I left her in the park."
He ignored their frowns like he tried to ignore an unsettling feeling that something was terribly wrong. The band continued to play in the background.
---
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
---
Ayumi was still huddled on the cold concrete of one of the park's pathways even days later. Thankfully this one was fairly abandoned, set in the back of the park, so she went undisturbed. That is, until she was found by the voices. Curled into herself, Ayumi was only faintly aware of a girl's voice shouting, and cool hands smelling of an astringent herb brushing her bangs away from her heated forehead. She hadn't been aware of how hot the sun made her, burning her skin mercilessly.
"We found her, guys."
The voice was annoyingly loud, but Ayumi didn't so much as twitch. It was familiar, but she didn't care to place it. It wasn't worth the effort - nothing was anymore. She had tried so hard to prove her worth, and he had rejected her. She had allowed him his freedom, not commenting when he came back to her smelling of perfume and completely drunk, not trying to set boundaries for him to operate in, even though she was careful herself. She had been determined to show him she was worthy of him, and he still rejected her. She didn't understand why she wasn't good enough - what detail had she missed? What had she done wrong? Ayumi knew she wasn't physically appealing, but she had tried to make up for it. If she had anymore tears to shed, she would've been crying.
---
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
---
The passage of time was meaningless, so she didn't know how long it was until she was faintly aware of being in a bed. It was warm, which oddly comforting although she didn't care to try to remember why.
"I don't think I can help Ayumi," a female voice, another familiar one, spoke. And then another girl's voice, low and vaguely recognizable.
"I'm sure Hiei could, if he pulled his head out of the nice hole he dug for it."
At the mention of that name, Ayumi started to cry again, causing a blinding pain to rip through her chest and she gagged, curling up tighter. She couldn't help crying tears that felt like fire to an already chapped and tear-sore face. The cool hands once again smoothed back her hair, murmuring to her in soothing alto, but it couldn't help. There was a piece missing of her and it wanted to suck her into the black hole it had created. She didn't fight it, and in fact she welcomed it. Succumbing would mean an end to the pain, and she couldn't take much more of that. It was too much. She wasn't strong enough, and she was scared of living without him, terrified of the world without him.
He was too much a part of her life now. She has given up her family, pushed friends away and dedicated herself to him. That gaping hole in her heart was insidious, inviting her to end it, to let go and end the pain. She had given everything for him, and he had pushed her away. She couldn't understand why he did that, but without him there wasn't anything left.
A decision made, she sighed. At the sound, Yukina and Keiko rushed to her side, almost daring to hope - but their faces fell. A smile touched her cracked and bloody lips, so sad that it seemed so old and wise. That smile would haunt Yukina and Keiko for years as they watched Ayumi give up her life.
---
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
---
Hiei stared down at Yukina, his face disbelieving. There was no way that what she said was true. No way. Ayumi was stronger than that. She could carry on without him. She was was supposed to go on and find someone, someone more than him, a gentleman like Kurama, or a brash but caring mate like Yusuke - even a sappy oaf like Kuwabara would've been acceptable. He had left for her to meet someone who could love her like he was unable. Ayumi was too good for him to keep selfishly, stolidly ignoring the flaws he couldn't - wouldn't - correct and patiently dealing with his surly attitude the late nights he came to her after visiting the Makai bars and brothels. The way she would carefully control her anger when he provoked her, and the times her control broke and she raged at him as he placidly smirked at her. How human she was, with all her tiny failings he had looked down upon once; her physical plainess, her compassion for beings he ignored or hated, the tears she shed for those undeserving of them.
And now, according to Yukina...
"She died last night, Hiei. She had no will to live... and just slipped away. Koenma has not received her soul yet, and Botan doesn't think they ever will."
"What happened to her soul?" His voice once once more rough, but this time it was a real anger boiling up inside him. How dare she? How dare she twist his sacrifice and make it about her? Did she understand what he had given up? How he could've kept her instead of allowing her to find someone else? Did she -? Abruptly, he stopped. She didn't. That was it. She didn't understand why he had left, why he had let her go. At once, his thoughts settled and it was all laid bare to him and a tiny peice of his soul hardened and died. He swore from that day forward, he would never try to love no other than his sister. Yukina was safe to love as a sister, that was a minimal risk, but others could end up like this, causing more of this annoying, lingering ache than he could ignore. And he had only grown attached to the girl, never loved her. At least his plan worked - she was free of him and he of her.
Yukina's voice broke into his thoughts. "- thinks she was reincarnated."
Hiei looked at her stupidly, and she almost smiled, the sorrow lifting from her face for a breif second. "I said that Koenma thinks she was reincarnated into a soulless child. Apparently they happen; Botan says that humans born without souls become serial killers." This brought a puzzled look on the girl's face, but Hiei didn't bother to explain it to her. "But," she continued, "an errant soul can sometimes incarnate these bodies, and take them as their own without fear of a double personality like Kurama."
---
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
---
He sat on a low stone wall, face impassive, watching the seven figures at the edge of the ocean. The day was cold and windy, the perfect day to sit by a fireplace with a blanket and read a book. Ayumi's favorite type of day, so it was only fitting. Or so the onnas claimed. Botan held a small jar like it was infinitely precious to her, like everything she was depended on holding that jar. There were no tears from the reaper, but her bouncy personality was dimmed. That urn contained what was left of Ayumi. According to Koenma, through Botan, her soul never did show up in the Reikai. So, he had lost her. How ironic that he left in an attempt to make her life better, and this is how it ended up. Yukina was crying again, a fortune in her hiruseki washing out with the tide. Botan was sniffling, and Yusuke and Kuwabara were looking strangely stiff, as if trying not to cry. Despite the prickling guilt Hiei held, he didn't cry; tears were pointless, they wasted time and fluid that could be better used.
Bemused, he watched Kurama unscrew the top of the urn, and Botan look down at what she held, her face stricken, the cheerful mask crumbling. And then, Keiko, Yukina, Botan, and Kurama's fiancИ stepped out into the chill tide. None of them seemed to notice as the frigid water swirled around their ankles, swamping their socks and shoes. This was their closure. They would be able to heal in time. Botan tipped the urn and grey soot cascaded downward into the angry sea, staining the grey-green water the black of sins, of festering hate. A suddenly strong breeze made the downpour of ash to fan out on the water, capturing a small amount and forcing it to swirl upward in a small tornado.
---
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
---
As the wind toyed with the remains of Ayumi, Hiei locked another ache deep inside. He had never loved her - a monster such as he wasn't capable of such a thing. He hadn't needed her - he didn't need anyone. Maybe he had wanted her. Maybe. Regardless, she had been a chapter in his life, another scar on a worn, tired soul and another lesson he collected on his seemingly endless journey through life. He almost regretted never respecting her, never appreciating the sacrifices, the few large and the thousands of tiny, she had made to prove her love to him. Hopefully, she had hated him in her last few moments of life. To love was to bare your very being to another, to either be loved or sliced open from the core outward with betrayal. He hadn't been able to give her that - he couldn't trust someone that much.
It was better for both of them that it ended that way. Hiei turned and walked back toward the car, leaving the small group of people to watch what soot wasn't swallowed by the sea whirl in the playful breeze, creating beautiful carefree patterns in the air as if someone were orchestrating the winds in tribute to the girl.
Thousands of miles away, a baby girl was born, her blue eyes bright in the glaring light of the hospital as her parents cooed down at her. A soul washed clean by sacrifice.
Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious,
you're not really losing it.
You're just passing it on to someone else.
- Mitch Albom