Kamui's problem is that he remembers all too well when the very nature of their (relatively) chaste relationship began to twist itself into something more frightening.
In the past, walking past Subaru's bedroom and finding the twenty-six-year-old sprawled over the bed without even getting under the sheets would prompt him to enter and wake the other just long enough to draw a blanket over his shoulders or slip a pillow under his head and maybe press his advantage by stroking the disheveled hair down. He would receive a sleepy caress over his face and a whispered 'thanks' and before exiting with a slight warmth in his face, but those days are long gone.
Passing by the room once more on that early autumn evening (Subaru never closes his door, never locks it) Kamui catches sight of him and is arrested at the doorway, unable to move or even look away.
Subaru sleeps on his back and Kamui watches the rise and fall of his chest under a black shirt far longer than he needs to confirm that he's still alive. He's forced to take in the way the waistline of Subaru's jeans lie (almost) flat against his abdomen but fail to catch the curves of his hips. His position is far from comfortable: hands thrown over his head and his head tilted back to the side as his legs fall over the edge of the bedding. But even in sleep, the ridges of muscle in his arms are visible, there's the line of a tendon pressing up against the side of his exposed neck and both his cheeks and ears are flushed.
Kamui doesn't help him settle this time. He won't, he can't, because if he gets closer he's not sure that he can stop himself from wrapping his legs around that slim waist, pressing his mouth against that stretch of his neck and sliding down against Subaru's warmth and staying there forever, even if it means losing all of himself in the process.
The thought itself is torture and then he remembers that one day someone will do the same to Subaru, but this time, with a cold hand through the ruined labyrinth of organs and flesh and heart as blood bathes both the breathless victim and the newly born murderer.
And for Kamui's own sake, it will never be him.
The logic of this sentiment still escapes him but logic in general has never stayed too close to him and Kamui looks away, breathing hard, and goes (flees) to his own room.
XXX
Subaru is used to closing his bedroom door and locking it, turning his universe into a world into a room into a microcosm and enjoying the sanctuary it afforded him but since Kamui began living with him he's forced himself to keep it open and listen for any sounds of abnormality in the dark of night.
As he reads on that particular evening, Kamui comes to stand at the entrance to his bedroom. Catching sight of him, Subaru puts the book aside and then curses himself for doing it so eagerly, without even marking the page.
Gazing at Kamui, he had initally meant to ask "What's the matter?" but what comes out instead is many words (or worlds) away.
"You've changed."
That makes him take a step back and Subaru winces internally. He holds out an arm, but the teenager doesn't seem to see it.
"I feel strange," Kamui agrees, looking down, "But I don't know why."
When it becomes apparent that their discussion has already shuddered to an ill-fated stop, Subaru drops his arm and getting up, goes over to Kamui to softly pull him inside. Arms encircling around his waist, they stop like that for a moment and Subaru looks straight into his eyes.
"Do you see why?" He asks but there's only confusion (and fear, but why?) in the other's drawn face.
"Not yet," Kamui answers and watches him lean over to close the bedroom door and then lock it, "But you'll give me time to think, right?"
"All the time in the world," Subaru assures him and hears the half sigh that puffs against his collar.
During the unhurried kiss they ever share, their positions somehow change and Subaru finds himself against the wall with Kamui's arms hooked under his own, tender hands sliding up his back and coming to a rest on his shoulders. The placement drags them so close together that Kamui's breath and heartbeats are his own. His shirt is pulled out of the way and the gentle, loving touches that follow are nothing close to what he'd predicted Kamui would show him during their first time together. Subaru had anticipated crudity, excruciation and the desperate strength of an adolescent trying to satiate himself with the body of another. Instead, he finds himself breathless from the reverence in how Kamui's hands and mouth come to caress his chest and abdomen in a slow yet fervent way that's akin to worship. It's unbearable in its own way and in his tension, Subaru's clenched hands unkowingly leave weals all over Kamui's skin. Closing his eyes and holding himself rigid, he realizes that there's a silent intention in Kamui's exploration. Lips savor the taste of his skin and press down on the crest of muscles, leaving spots of cold moisture. Fingers trace the hardened edge of bones and light kisses track his breath and pulse. Through the intimacy, Subaru realizes, Kamui searches and finds his strength, the signs of life. It's a more intense experience than being actually fucked and a quick glide of his own hands tells him that Kamui is aroused as well. He wonders then at how something he's always had so little regard for could be such a source of pleasure and exhilaration in another.
He focuses on keeping himself standing and holds the teenager close, but Kamui breaks his clutches to kneel and when his hands go to the zip of his jeans, Subaru raises him and ends it there.
XXX
Kamui always closes his door, always locks it when he sleeps at night and Subaru doesn't object but always has a lock pick on hand, especially in those first few months when he feared that Kamui wouldn't really pull through, or worse, would try to end it all himself.
Later, it's a tool he keeps on hand for the sake of helping him surface from those dreams that get too terrible to bear (for him or the other, he wonders).
The dreams don't worry him at first. Kamui is ready to kill, even in sleep. Vulgar profanity, graphic threats and chilling vows are the first few things he hears through the barrier of a door and it makes him smile.
They change gradually.
Subaru finds himself rolling the metal implement between his fingers, debating whether or not to rush in when he hears the teenager implore for his life, choke on his own breath and cry out in imagined pain.
Finally, Subaru hears the most chilling words ever spoken aloud and on that dead, evil night he violates Kamui's dreams for the second time and drags him back to sanity.
XXX
"Your turn," he responds when Kamui tries to protest and it's a quick three steps to seat himself on the edge of the bed and an expert flick of his hand to bring Kamui sprawling onto his lap.
"I still don't know-" Kamui begins, looking down at him indignantly and then he can't speak as understanding dawns.
Subaru grips his elbow to stretch it outward as the teenager awkwardly tries to settle himself. Not so long ago, his own arm length would have exceeded Kamui's but now, they're nearly equal.
He leans back slightly to emphasize the point and Kamui is staring down at him. His expression doesn't change but tightens.
"Will you let me?" Subaru asks when no reply is forthcoming. Kamui considers it for a long while and finally nods.
After he's reclined against the pillows, Subaru drags his jeans down, rakes his shirt out of the way and then straddles him, taking in every inch of bared skin with his eyes, but over the many visible changes he can feel each and every one. Though Kamui's taller, the sickly leanness from before has been replaced by new softness in his body, and a pleasing rise in his thighs and stomach. He thought he had mastered every detail of his form before, from all the countless hours he'd spent either holding or carrying Kamui, but now Subaru begins familiarizing himself once again from the very beginning.
"Other things have happened as well," Kamui says at last and his eyes are squeezed shut, he's enduring the touches and Subaru immediately stops.
"Like what?"
Kamui shakes his head and turns to the side.
"You've lost all your powers," Subaru states.
His eyes fly open and he raises himself on an elbow.
"You can't know that!"
"I've known for weeks," Subaru corrects, "I waited for you tell me."
"But I didn't," Kamui finishes, "How did you find out? Just from-?"
He doesn't find the words and trails off in a streak of red.
"It wasn't that," Subaru says and helps him sit up, "There were other signs."
"Like?"
"How many fights have you been in the past month?" Subaru asks, "I used to come find you with a new mark on your face almost every week."
Kamui touches the pad of one thumb with his finger as he starts to count off, but then falters, and stills.
"Oh, God," he whispers.
"Your dreams changed," Subaru continues and as expected, Kamui whips around to face him and there's a mixture of rage and shame in his face, "The night you had your worst incident, you said-"
"You had no right-!"
"-Kill me instead."
Each word is a brand that's pressed against his skin and shocks him into silence.
"Are you scared?" Subaru asks gently, "About not having powers anymore?"
"No."
"No?"
"I'm fucking terrified."
Subaru wants to tell him that there's no reason to be, that he'll protect him until the end of his own life, that more power attracts more pain and that a right to safety isn't something that has to be fought for.
For the moment, he says nothing about it and asks another question instead.
Kamui consent is a little too tired for his liking and he asks again.
In reply, Kamui yanks him down, wraps his legs around his waist and guides his head to the side to kiss at his exposed neck. The movements are so fluid that Subaru realizes that it's something that he's had in mind for quite some time and the thought itself has an almost physical effect on him.
When Kamui has satisfied himself, he knows, he'll take him right there.
Late into the night, Kamui is writhing under him, hands pressing his back, thrashing, opening wine colored scars on his forearms and biting down his tongue. Subaru has learned by now that he wants to, needs to fight the entire way down and collide his own power against another's to test it, and from time to time, he obliges and retaliates with his own little hurts. Halfway through, Kamui gives up completely. Rather than fighting against his attempt, he abruptly switches and struggles to wrench Subaru closer, to draw him in deeper and every single muscle is sore and strained by the exertion.
This time, there's real anger and fear mixed in with desire but Subaru pushes it all aside and buries his intentions and faith deep into the other's skin. He refuses to release him until he's certain of having driven out every last shard of tension from within. It's a hard process, pain mixing in with pleasure and the combination fighting with his need to stay in his senses through it all but over time Kamui's struggling grows weaker and quieter and soon afterwards, he's fast asleep against him, dreamless.
XXX
For Subaru, it's electricity under his skin. The lethargy in his limbs is gone, the stillness in his mind has evaporated and it's been taken over by jagged edges of restlessness and energy and an impulse to do something, be it to kill or to fuck or to just stand up and try something he knows he will fail at over and over again. It's nothing less than an infection that's seeped into his body, one that changes a pained survival into surging life and rushing adrenaline that turns him dizzy and he knows all too well whom it belongs to.
For Kamui, it's quietude. Thundering waves of it extinguish the dangerous unrest inside him and insulate him from the provocations of the rest of the world. The serenity eases some of his hyperactivity and now, he can actually think into the future without it being a crazed pursuit from behind. He wants to sit out and watch the rest of the world going about its tasks and for the first time in his life, he's not completely exhausted by the end of the day.
When it fades, there's the relief of familiarity but the next time the world demands that uncharacteristic show of power, Subaru and Kamui find their way into each other's arms again.
End
Author's Note:
I had a straight year of writer's block and I've decided that it ends here. Wishing everyone a happy 2017! Please feel free to comment and review. Thanks for reading.