We're sitting together on the sofa in the bookroom. This has become Parker's sanctuary as much as it is mine. Some days I read to her. Others, she just likes to spend the time. Today she's lying with her head in my lap her feet dangling over the opposite arm of the couch, her eyes are closed. I know she is still awake. I know if I ask what she is thinking about she will probably just say 'thief things'.
I set my book down at look at her. She looks so beautiful. So peaceful. I gently brush the hair out of her face with my fingertips. "Parker?" "Mmmm" she mumbles. "Parker, where did you go to school?" She shrugs slightly. "I don't remember." "What do you mean you don't remember?" "It was a long time ago Alex." "Well what about high school? Where did you go to high school? Here in New York?" She's still lying with her eyes closed, her face perfectly calm. "I didn't go to high school." "What how could you not go to high school? All kids have to go to school." Her face stays perfectly neutral but her words hit me hard. "Not the kids that nobody cares about Alex" she says softly. I can feel my heart break.
Parker is such a passionate person but, when she talks about her own life, it's as if she has no emotions at all. I run my fingers through her hair again. There are no words that I can say that will make her words any better.
"What about that guy? The thief? Archie? Didn't he care about you?" "Of course he did" she says. He was the closest thing to a father that I ever had." "But he never took you to school?" "No" she says. "It just didn't seem important. I was too busy trying to survive." Another piece breaks off of my heart. "I'm sorry Parker" I say softly. She opens one eye and looks at me. "For what?" I just shake my head. I have to turn away so she can't see the tears in my eyes. "Don't you ever wonder?" I ask. "Wonder about what?" "Well, how things would be different? You're so incredibly smart you could've done anything you wanted. Didn't you ever dream of being something?" She opens her mouth to say something but I cut her off. "I know. I know. You like who you are. But still…" "Do you think about those things Alex? What would've been different in your life?" "Yeah" I answer her. "What if I had gone to college? What would it have been like if I had a real dad? What if I had never met Kubra?" "Then you wouldn't be here" she says matter-of-factly. I can't really argue with that.
We sit quietly for a few minutes Parker with her eyes closed looking content, me watching her and thinking. She opens both eyes this time. "Did you go to high school Alex?" "Yeah I did." "Was it amazing? Did you love it?" I laugh. "No I hated it. I think everyone hates high school." I can see her confusion. Why would she go someplace that she was going to hate? "What do you mean? Why did you hate it?" "Oh I don't know, Parker. I was kind of an odd kid. I didn't fit in anywhere. I didn't have a dad but I bragged about him all the time. The big rock musician. I told everyone that he was going to come back and everything would be wonderful. And my mom, she was kind of a hippie. I was different. Being different can be hard. I didn't study much. I wasn't on a sports team. I wasn't into boys. I just never really fit in anywhere." "Did you go college?" she asks. "No" I say quietly. "I was supposed to but I met Kubra instead." "Oh" she says. "Do you wonder what would be different? If you had gone to college?" "Well of course Parker. I mean I don't think about it all the time but it's there. I could've done something. Maybe I could've helped people instead of hurting them." "But then you wouldn't be here with me" she says. There's a logic there that I can't deny. "You're right Parker" I say, "but still… don't you ever wonder how your life could be different? "Not really" she says. "If I did go to school and then go to college, would you still be here with me right now? Because I don't think I'd want to life that didn't have you in it." I think about that for a few seconds. "You're right Parker. I think things turned out exactly how they were supposed to." She smiles then closes her eyes and pushes deeper into my lap. I let my hand tangle in her hair again as I close my eyes and give a silent thanks to whoever might be listening. It was a bumpy road that brought me here but I know deep inside that there is no place else I would ever want to be.