Severus Snape stirred, his face twitching as, with his eyes closed, he sensed where he was before he looked. He was lying on his side in a fetal position, his head resting on his folded arm. The air was warm and pleasant, as if persuading him to be happy, a feeling he'd seldom felt for as long as he could remember. He couldn't hear any noise, which was odd, especially after so many years teaching at Hogwarts, the chatter and follies of youth still strongly echoing in his ears. The smell of the place, however, was as sweet as that of the grounds and meadows from his home as a child. Poor as he was, the freedom of the outdoors was the greatest of treasures that he could ever have hoped to have. Yes, the air was strikingly akin to those times.
He opened his eyes. It was as though he was in a cloud of fog, and yet not. It was certainly haze, but not the kind you see out your window after a light rain. It was more like the kind that you sense surrounding vague memories, the frame of every forgotten thought. He was there, inside it. He could tell. What a strange feeling.
And then it hit him. I'm dead. At first he thought it with utter despair, and then with relief, and then with a pang of sadness. I am dead, and she never knew. He never knew.
Snape shifted into a sitting position, shaking a cramp out of the arm that was his makeshift pillow. He leaned forward and began to crawl, able to see nothing, up nor down, nor behind him; nothing at all.
The ground beneath his fingers was covered in sand. And grass. And the occasional pebble. He looked back to where he'd come from and he could see it, as if he'd carved a path though the mist, a modest trail of dirt. He turned ahead again and saw a small, familiar hedge. He moved towards it, smelling its lively, earthy scent. Seeing the edge of the bush, he peered around and saw something that sparked his memory: a swing set with two swings, surrounded by sand in tiny park. Instantly the haze disappeared and the landscape was revealed to him. He could recall every detail: a row of old English townhomes in the distance, a large field enclosed by gargantuan, leafy trees between the road and the swings, and the hedge belonging to his own family's property. He glanced behind him and saw the pitiful shack that was his home and grimaced.
His focus once again on the swing, he felt a breeze as it swept forward and pushed the it a little bit, it now swaying back and forth. He imagined Lily sitting there, her hair kissed by the breeze, smiling in the sunlight that flooded the meadow. The sound of her girlish laughter. And, as if his heart had a mind, it seemed to recall the ache it fell victim to each time she let him down, walked away, spoke of... him, Potter. The memories were so vivid, he was overcome by them. He felt a tightness in his throat and he lurched forward, falling onto his chest, his arms gripping at the measly blades protruding from the dirt. His breathing was forced. I am dead!
Suddenly, he was nowhere again, shrouded in obscurity
Clouds of haze infiltrated that space and he felt himself perhaps floating. He turned to lie on his side, long, dark strands of his hair hanging in his eyes. He looked around, frustrated by the nothingness.
"Hello!" he mustered, his voice sounding aged and muffled. No answer. He called again, and still no one replied. Is this death? he thought, almost skeptically. He laid his head back on his outstretched arm and remained still, seemingly hovering for the longest time.
Finally, "I thought you might be here, Severus." The woman's voice was soft and musical.
Snape looked up and, for the first time in many silent years, he felt as though his heart was singing. When he spoke, his voice was more subdued and gentle than it had ever been in years. "Lily."
Her body, ghost, apparition, whatever it was, came nearer to him, touching his face with gentle wonder. She wore beautiful red velvet and white robes, embued with the tiniest bow below a cascading neckline. His dark eyes followed her every move, bewildered to see her there before him.
"Severus," she hummed. "You have aged so much." She smiled at her jest. He simply stared, his mouth hanging open slightly. A strained look on his face showed evident flooding of his memory with past turmoil. The haze around him flickered with colours and shadows.
"Shh," she persuaded, noting his angst. She moved beside him, her long hair flouncing over her shoulders.
Snape looked almost hurt now, finally staring away from her beautiful presence. He seemed to be thinking. And then. "Why have you come to me?" He spoke with his usual drone.
Lily looked at him with pity and adoration. "I wanted to thank you, Severus. For everything you've done for Harry." His gaze shifted elsewhere. "For giving your life," she added.
His eyes closed. "I gave my life for you." His tone was now bitter.
"But surely..." She leaned forward, searching for something in his stony gaze.
"I did." Many moments passed and he continued. "I did because I couldn't let go. I was so... I would have given anything to anyone for even just a suggestion that somehow, somewhere, you might see."
"Oh, but I did!" Lily resolved emphatically. "Everything," she said more softly, placing her hand on his cheek, turning his head towards hers. His eyes, still closed, opened reluctantly to face her, pierced by her own, green and intense. He loved them still.
"I am so grateful," she continued, "to know that you took care of everything, Severus. Yes, I know, others had their hand in Harry's life: Petunia, Professor Dumbledore, Sirius, Ron and Hermione. But Severus, you took care of everything. It was the hardest task next to Harry's."
Snape winced each time she mentioned him.
She donned a helpless expression and then said, "You are, moreso than Harry, responsible for the downfall of Voldemort's reign of evil." Snape inhaled slowly, staring into her beautiful eyes. "You are responsible for the success of the most integral part of the plan. You are responsible for leading a double life, a truly skilled sleuth and a most admirable spy." Snape, being of a Slytherin nature, reveled in the praise she now gave to him. "And you, you are responsible for the restoration of a beautiful and promising Wizarding world, for the restoration of so many broken Wizard families; the ones like us, Severus." Her eyes glistened. She continued. "If it hadn't been for you, we could not have won this battle."
Snape's eyes sparkled for a moment, and then darkened. He could not shed the feeling of betrayal she'd bestowed in him. "And what of it?" he muttered.
She smiled. "I adore you for it."
Severus Snape's hard expression almost let a smile leak through, the corners of his mouth upturned awkwardly and his eyes daring to form the telltale half moons of a grin, as if treading into unchartered, foreign territory. He relaxed his shoulders and leaned back, struck once more by the lack of the new dimension's gravitational pull. The haze was as dense as ever, white and untainted.
Lily rolled onto her front, her chin resting in her palms and her robes swaying gently by her feet. She stared at Snape expectantly, a simple smile still lingering on her face. She was dispelled his ferocious disposition.
He turned his head to her and asked, "Is this death?"
She laughed a bit. "Why, did you expect more flames and smoke?"
He gave a strained and nervous little smile.
"No," she then answered. "We're not quite there yet. This is what we might have called Limbo."
"But I have no business here," he insisted. "I am ready to--"
"I assure you I requested to meet you here before your final transition," she interrupted. She seemed thoughtful. "I wanted to see you away from everyone."
"Everyone," he repeated.
"Well, yes, everyone. You are not the first to arrive on our doorstep tonight, I'm afraid, Severus." He nodded, recalling events that seemed now to have happened ages ago. A quick escape. Pounding through the field. Had to find Him. Had to find both of them. "The world lost a good number of promising young witches and wizards tonight, you know? I think you knew many of them well."
A pang of guilt arose in him.
"I could not do anything," he said imploringly. "I could only do as I was... instructed."
Lily smiled sadly. "Yes, I know. It had to be that way. Professor Dumbledore insisted upon his arrival that it was the only way to ensure that all tasks could be fulfilled, that no detail could be overlooked, that no crucial point could go amiss." She paused. "I do not blame you!" she exclaimed, sensing his guilt. "For goodness sakes, you do suffer, Severus! I never did blame you!"
He nodded, all the while having allowed less imminent thoughts of their relationship to surface in his mind. His face darkened once more. They had become too comfortable in these recents moments together. It's too much like how it could have been. Snape's glare was downcast. Lily noticed.
"It could have never been," she whispered cautiously, and sadly. Snape's eyes were closed again. "Things changed. Our circles changed. We fell out. I thought we did."
"I never did."
"Hm?"
Snape winced. "I never fell out with you. I saw you less and less. You and Sirius, you and Pettigrew, you and... and Potter!" He spat the last words into the haze.
"James," she insisted.
He looked at her now. "I thought we had something."
"We were in different Houses."
"So we couldn't be friends?"
"We ran in different circles."
"I wasn't good enough to hold on to?"
"We were only friends!"
"I always thought..."
"Oh, Severus," she whispered sadly. She reached out and grabbed his hand. He looked down at it, entwined with hers. Her skin was soft and creamy, youthful still, and he became aware of his own, aged and a stale off-white, flecked with tiny, black hairs. He noticed now that she was still as young as when she'd died, while he had gone on, surpassing her by seventeen years now, nearly twenty. Almost old enough to be her father. Even here, away from them, it does not fit. He sulked. She squeezed harder.
"I want to tell you something else, Severus," Lily said, sitting close to him now. He nodded. "I still think of you sometimes, when I feel alone and when I feel helpless." He looked at her with a gaze that said This isn't helping. She continued, "I think of you then because I remember how you noticed me, how you saw my talent. When I was very young, everyone thought there was something wrong with me; something strange. My own sister was afraid of me. I was kept hidden around family members and guests in our home. I was told my... oddities... were bad. I was proud of them, and they told me it was wrong, Severus! And you--you told me I was special. And I believed you. And ever since then, I remember you, thankful that you made it easier for me. Thankful that we were such good friends, as hard as it would be for us later on. As hard as it was... As hard as it is."
He watched her intently as she spoke, content once again to hear her sing his praises in her smooth, melodic tone. "I am glad then." His hand was still in hers.
"Truly you must know why it couldn't have been."
He thought, and then nodded.
She continued. "We were too different. I could not see in dark magic what you saw in it. I could not befriend your friends. I could not walk in your shoes. Oh Severus, we had such good times. To this day, if I could give anyone anything, I would give you love. It is so compelling, so breathtaking, and so wonderful." She'd become dreamy-eyed and let the words dance off of her tongue, each one striking Snape with the force of a boulder.
"I loved you though," he said suddenly.
She suddenly got up and walked -- floated -- away from him, saying, "But did you? Did you really? We had something special, yes, but you can't deny we were from different worlds. You saved me. You really did, but I couldn't have given to you what I gave to James, even I wanted to. I could never have possessed what you were looking for. You can tell me I'm wrong but I know. I know it now, even more than I did then. I needed someone like James, to lead me, to amuse me, to show me a world I never knew. We grew up together, you and I. But James took me beyond that."
She turned to face him. He looked tortured. She ran and knelt beside him, taking his tired face in her hands. "You and I could not have given to each other the very necessities for a true breeding ground for love..." Snape looked confused. She continued. "I am an owl, Sev, and you are a thestral. They are so alike, yes. Able to fly, secluded, independent... gentle..." She caressed him as she said the last word. "But they are different as well. Too different to be together." His eyes filled with reluctant understanding. "Friends, yes," she added. "Always."
Snape spoke. "And if I accept this now, I am forced to accept also that my entire life was lived in vain."
His words seem to hurt her now. "No. I explained already th--"
"But did you love me?"
"What?"
"I spent years, decades, too afraid... Did you love me?"
She understood. "Of course, Severus. With all my heart. I loved you in all the ways that I could love you, and I'd have hoped, begged, for no less from you. And I always prayed when I left that world that you would love Harry the same way... for me..."
"I did."
"You did?" she threw him a curious smile.
"He was so much like... James..." To utter his name seemed mere torture. "... The way he looked. But he acted like you... He was so much like you. And his eyes, so like yours. Have you seen them?"
"Only for the briefest time," she said with a sad smile.
"So much like yours..." He looked mortified. "I, I must have seemed so cruel. I know, I was so unkind. You know that wasn't me, right? You know that?" He pleaded with her and she nodded. Her approval was so important to him. To his soul.
"You were always shy. Much too shy for a Slytherin." He did not deny it.
"You understand why then...?"
"I do," she said softly. She stood now and pulled Snape to his own feet. She held his hands in hers and he was instantly transported back thirty years, to the little park in the meadow. "I know..." she began, as tears formed in her eyes. "I know that wounds take a long time to heal. I know that. But, I hope that we can some day be good friends again, Severus. Being here like this, after everything, I feel this is so far beyond school friends and team Houses. I, I lost you once, even if I couldn't see it at the time... I..." Her eyes shone. "I saw Harry tonight. We almost spoke, and then he was gone. I'm not sure if it was a dream... I lost him too. Twice. I know it will be ages until I... Oh Severus, I cannot bear to lose again." Snape looked hard-pressed to ease her anguish. Then she said decidedly, "I would really like if we could be friends... again..." She sniffed as a tear slid down her porcelain cheek and Snape, in a strange instance of profound sensitivity, caught the droplet with his index finger, causing her to heave a quiet, muffled sob into his shoulder. For a moment, he wished he could have been there for Harry, to do the same for him when the tears that had no doubt existed slid down his own cheeks. She felt warm against his chest. It was the closest anyone had been to him in a long time.
He answered her question. "I would like for that very much."
She tried to smile, breathing deeply to keep herself calm. "Perhaps you could come by and see us, Sev. James... He's really very nice." Snape looked doubtful. "He has changed very much since we were young," she insisted. "Really."
"OK... Lily," Snape said. She grinned at the sound of him saying her name.
Feeling that it was time to depart to wherever he was meant to go, he drew away from her, looking beyond her and around. The haze was still thick, and he felt pressed to be somewhere else. He sensed it was time to cross over.
Sensing it too, Lily hastily grabbed Snape's hand. "There's one more thing I really wanted to give you before you left." He looked questioningly at her and she pulled him into a tight hug, one that exists only between friends so long lost. He stood, flushed, his hands frozen at his sides, feeling her face beside his, smelling her sweetly scented hair and feeling her hands clasped behind his neck. She whispered into his ear very, very softly, "Please, Severus, hug me back."
And he did.
As the haze around him disappeared, so did she. And soon, he too disappeared, bound to cross over into a world beyond this one, and perhaps even a little further.