A diabolical smile spread across Hatsune Miku's face as she clicked the lighter on with her thumb. She gazed at the flame dancing at the tip of the magical fire device, and then slowly turned her head towards the nearby building. She was in Seattle, in front of Macklemore's house. Just moments before, she had doused the house with gasoline.
"Keisatsu fakku," she sang under her breath in her robotic, autotuned voice as she tossed the lighter towards the house. She watched the flame tumble through the air and instantly ignite the house upon touching the gasoline. Her huge-ass eyes lit up as flames engulfed the house.
Macklemore burst out of the front door.
"What the fuck, fam," Macklemore rapped, looking through the flames at the blue haired woman. "You're gonna burn my off black cadillac, with the four track bussing halfway cross that city with the fat cat backpack crushing labels out here cuz the ceiling can't hold us, but they had a broken keyboard so I bought a broken keyboard, it's me the M the A-C the K sounding like a french pimp from back in the day-"
"Seikō o damara anata shiro shiri fakkuheddo," Miku replied menacingly. Macklemore immediately clammed up.
"Anata no ie ga moete imasu," she continued, flames dancing in her eyes. "Watashi wa subete no watashi no raibaru o haijo suru hitsuyō ga arimasu. Anata ga Makkurumoā, ushinatte imasu."
"Oh, my fuck," Macklemore stammered. "You're that hot anime babe, Hatsune Miku."
Hatsune Miku nodded. "Karera no shi wa anata no sugu sashisematta hōkai no nochi ni enki sa reru tame ni go kibō ga areba watashi ni anata no tsuma to kodomo o ataemasu."
Macklemore lowered his voice. "I love hot anime babes."
The rapper made retreated back into his flaming house, presumably to jack off to the thought of fucking the hologram before him while his house burned to the ground, taking him with it.
Miku decided to make like a tree and get out of there, in case the cops showed up.
"Sayonara, Makkurumoā," she moaned as she walked back to her grotto in Fayetteville, North Carolina, USA.
Hatsune Miku plopped down onto her virtual couch, the only couch capable of supporting a virtual person. She sighed a high-pitched sigh and gazed at the ceiling, daydreaming about who she was going to commit her next arson against. The first person that popped into her head was Knuckles the Echidna, who had recently begun gaining fame as a virtual pop idol in Japan, something Miku would not allow. She knew it would be a slow day, so she kicked back and decided to order some pizza. She called Dominoes and said melodically "Un kon'nichiwa watashi wa onegai gārikkupan no sokumen o yūsuru baitai peparoni no piza o motte imasuga, watashi wa nyūtōfutaishōdakara chīzu ni kantan ni narimasu."
"What," the pizza guy asked. Hatsune Miku repeated herself.
"You got it!" the pizza guy said. "Sorry, I didn't hear you the first time."
About half an hour later, the pizza guy arrived at Hatsune Miku's door. She didn't want to pay for pizza, so she just set the guy on fire. He screamed and ran away as Hatsune Miku put her hand over her mouth and giggled softly and cutely.
After Hatsune Miku finished eating the pizza, she kicked back and blasted some Insane Clown Posse music off of her surround sound speaker system.
"Juggalo no kazoku wa seikatsu no tame ni, watashi wa son'nani insein Kuraun posshī ga daisukidesu. Shagī 2 dōpu wa, watashi wa kare ga o shiri de watashi o fakku shitai, hontōni atsuidesu. Ōku no piero ai!"
She threw up a peace sign and made a face that looked similar to "uwu" as Insane Clown Posse's music rattled through her home.
While listening to "Fuck The World" by ICP, Miku began hatching her plot to burn down Knuckles' house. First, she bought a plane ticket to Minnesota, USA, which is where Knuckles lived.
"Harimogura o nakkuru, watashi wa kuso anata no gei no o shiri o sukōchi suru tsumoridesu," she sang under her breath.
It was four in the morning in Minnesota. Knuckles woke up at his house and yawned.
"It's 4am," he pointed out to nobody in particular. "I think I'm gonna get up and go make myself some crepes in my kitchen. My life is spiralling out of control. I haven't seen my family in 13 years. When I was 4 years old, they kicked me out of their house and left on the streets of Detroit with nothing but a bottle of my dad's piss and my own two fists. For the next ten years I sucked dick for money just to get by. I lived in a box in a back alleyway with a hobo named Craig. Big the Cat stole the Master Emerald from me, and then broke it. I never found the pieces because he ate them all. Four years ago, Barack Obama beat me up with a tennis racket on the front lawn of the White House, after which I would have bled to death if it weren't for Joe Biden cauterizing my wounds with a hot spoon. On my 18th birthday, I was taken hostage and locked in a sex dungeon for two weeks. Obama paid my ransom just so he could best me up again. Eventually, I got married and had children, but my entire family died in a tragic accident involving a fire and 9 horses, three of which were ponies. My entire life is a mess, and all I have to show for it is my shitty singing career and my rock hard knuckles."
After reciting his monologue, Knuckles shot out of bed and began to cook up some crepes. Little did he know that there was a virtual pop idol out to burn down his house.
Outside, a figure approached the house. It wore a cloak, but still shimmered due to it literally being made of light. The figure pulled back her hood, revealing none other than Hatsune Miku, a diabolical smile etched across her face.
Miku took a drum of not-holographic gasoline out of her cloak and ripped the top clean off somehow.
"Kore wa tsumori totemo kawaī koto sa. Kono-ka wa sō, namerakana hotto, oyobi yakedo dekiru yō ni narimasu!" she said cutely yet menacingly.
Miku approached house and began dumping the gasoline, giggling the entire time.
"Monogoto ga moeta toki, watashi wa sore o aishimasu!" she moaned. After going through the entire drum, she tossed it aside and approached the door. Through the glass, she could see Knuckles in his kitchen with a frying pan, cooking up some crepes.
"Hirakimasu…" Miku sang softly, tapping on the glass. She smiled a cute smile and swayed back and forth, as if she were dancing.
Knuckles heard something behind him, and slowly turned around. His eyes were wide and afraid.
"Hirakimasu!" Miku sang again, slightly louder this time. She smiled, but Knuckles could see the ghost of flames dancing in her huge, anime eyes.
"I'm straight thugged out, only live to my ones," he snarled at Miku through the glass.
"Hirakimasu," Miku lulled again, tapping on the glass again. "Hirakimasu… Hirakimasu… Hirakimasu…"
Knuckles had enough. He pulled open the door and swung his fist at Miku's face, but he met only air and hologram, which is basically just air.
Taken aback, Knuckles lashed out again, only to be met by the same result.
"Anata wa, nakkuruzu o watashi ni hitto suru koto wa dekimasen," Miku sang softly at Knuckles, advancing forward. "Watashi wa honmonode wa arimasen yo."
With that, she took a lighter out and flipped it on.
"Not again!" cried Knuckles. Miku giggled as she tossed it into a puddle of gasoline nearby, and instantly the entire house was ignited.
Knuckles staggered back into his house as the flames danced around him. He had to find a way out, but he knew there was none. Miku was the best serial arsonist in the world. Knuckles knew he had no chance to escape. Glancing back at towards the door, he saw Miku through the flames, still smiling cutely and swaying back and forth as she hummed. Once again, the flames were reflected in her eyes. Suddenly, Knuckles had a flashback to that fateful day that his family died in a fire. He remembered being scared and trying to find a way out. And when he glanced to the window, he remembered seeing her. Miku, giggling exactly the same as she was now, swaying and humming in the exact same way.
Knuckles flashed back to reality. "IT WAS YOU! IT WAS YOU ON THAT DAY WITH THE FIRE AND THE NINE HORSES. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INVOLVE THOSE HORSES? AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL MY FAMILY?"
Miku said nothing, only grinned. After a long silence, broken only by the sound of flaming embers, she spoke up.
"Ā, nakkuruzu," she sang with her autotuned voice, "uma wa keikaku no mottomojūyōna bubundeshita."
As soon as she said that, nine majestic horses materialized all around Hatsune Miku, neighing and whinnying. She stroked the neck of a blue horse nearby with a headset and earpiece attached to it's face before hopping on it's back.
The horses began to canter away, but Hatsune Miku paused for a moment. She turned to Knuckles and smiled.
"Anata wa, nakkuruzu nai kazoku o motte imasen. Anata ga yatta koto wa arimasen. Anata ga jitsugen suru koto wa arimasen... Karera wa watashi to onajiyōni, subete no kasōmashita. Anata no anime shiri waifus to kuso haisha. Shūshoku suru."
After finishing speaking, Miku rode off into the night on her majestic steed as Knuckles' house burned down around him and collapsed into a pile of ash. As the dust settled, nothing stirred. That is, until a lone fist emerged from the ruins of the house, vowing to have revenge on the arsonist known as Hatsune Miku.