What da?
I am so sleepy. But this was fun to write. It honestly stems from a situation I made up with some friends around the time of the release of AWE last year... it was actually about Orlando Bloom and the rest of the cast of Pirates, but since I believe I read somewhere that stories about real people aren't aloud (and for VERY good reason), I concocted this little gem about our dear William Turner instead. ENJOY!
Read and review? Maybe?
Disclaimer - I clearly do not own ANYONE on this paper. PROMM, however, is purely mine.
THE TREE OF MAN
There once was a little fellow named William Turner. William Turner (or Little Will, as he was often called) was cute as a button and had a heart of gold to match. He practiced his sword-fighting three hours everyday and was a skillfully gifted blacksmith. And not only was he blessed with the virtue of talent, for a very pretty girl named Elizabeth Swann was also madly in love with him. It seemed as though Little Will Turner had everything he could desire, but it was not so.
You see, Little Will Turner was plagued by a crippling turn of unmanliness. No matter how hard he tried and how much he worked at being a stud muffin, it seemed to never pay off. He was either oh-so-cuddly, or sweet, or pretty… compliments, yes, but not the ones he longed to hear. Will Turner wanted people to suspect danger and excitement in his every move… Or to at least look at him and question whether or not he was bathing…
He wanted to be a bad-boy… a masculine one too, not some froo-froo cutie-pie that people try to call a bad-boy because they have hair to gel ratio exceeding 99.9 percent or whatnot. He wanted girls to look at him with a mixture of repulsion, adulation, and titillation in their eyes. Sure, Elizabeth loved him just fine, but he (much to his chagrin) had noticed her eyeing a couple of their more manly pirate friends on a number of occasions.
Little Will tried desperately to worm his way into this select group of males, but his efforts were to no avail. Every fight he engaged him only made him cuter, every expletive cursed nobler, and every misunderstanding sweeter. He tried dressing more manly, but was unable to procure even a single compliment in regards to his butchness (and this was after he traded in the buckle shoes for boots and the sherbet scarf for… no scarf at all).
So Little Will would wander lost in the jungle that grew out in the back of Port Royale, wishing and hoping that one day he too would be a man. On his walks, he would pass by a very large tree… The tree appeared to be much like all of the other trees in the jungle. But the truth was that this tree was special. This tree was the meeting place of Port Royale's Obviously Manliest Men (or PROMM). Every Tuesday, they would climb the tree and exchange stories of manhood and masculinity. And every Tuesday, Little Will would pass by and ask the men if he might climb up to join them.
"NO!" Barbossa, the leader of Port Royale's Manliest Men, would reject him Tuesday after Tuesday without fail. His answer was always the same - a single word to dash Little Will's hopes forever (or at least until the next Tuesday). The other men would nod and shoot looks at Little Will - some were scornful, some were in humor, and - worst of all - some were made with pity etched across the faces of the onlookers. Little Will hated their pity (especially Beckett's, for he didn't understand how a fellow of five-four in a fluffy powdered wig had managed to secure a spot in the tree whilst he, with his smashing goatee, still wandered around on the ground).
After a many grueling and tiresome adventure, Little Will eventually grew stronger. He began to wear green instead of maroon (a wise choice for a man wishing to chart more manly territories), fathered a baby with the ever-constant Elizabeth (eh, whatever), and even garnered a very manly scar across his relatively manly chest.
Years passed, and Little Will almost completely forgot about the tree. One day, he decided to return to Port Royale for old time's sake. He made his way through the jungle, picking through the his own trusty familiar trail from days gone by. He noted where he had carved his and Elizabeth's initials into a tree, where he had once practiced his sword-fighting three hours daily, and where he had once sat and pondered what it meant to be a man. It was then that he recalled his quest to join the group of PROMM and climb the tree of manhood. It was a Tuesday, he noted, and the men would surely be holding their usual manly council. Resolute, he climbed his way through the thick shrubbery until he finally came upon the tree. Sure enough, all the regulars were in their regular Tuesday spots. Barbossa sat at the top, an ambiguously manly Jack to his left, a sideburnly manly Gibbs to his right. Below sat the baldingly manly Pintel beside the eye-injurinedly manly Ragetti. Beside them, the wigishly manly Beckett sat close to his akin conflictedly-betweenly-twoly-sidely-andly-sadly-disregardedly-inly-lastly-scriptly-wholy-neverly-gotly-girly manly Commodore Admiral Somebody Norrington. The rest of the trees branches were littered with other manly men, two numerous in quantity to give a definitive number.
As Little Will approached, he could sense something in the air that smelled like the fresh scent of change. The men regarded him with a silent reverence which they had never had before. They did not taunt him, nor did they throw rotten fruit at him, nor did they question his sexuality, gender preference, or the well-being and wholeness of his genitals. Instead, they each opened their arms and extended one giant well overdue invitation to climb the TREE OF MAN and sit with the brethren.
Little Will, who shall henceforth be known as Big Will (or Big Willy, rather), was overjoyed. It took everything in his power not to negate his newfound manliness and hop up and down and clap as the little lad inside him would like him to. He instead squared his jaw and moved to the trunk of the tree, then began his steady, manly climb to take a seat by Barbossa.
The manly pirate turned to the newcomer, a smile crossing his weathered, cracked, manly lips. Jack Sparrow, in conjunction with his manly manpanion's acknowledgment of Will, nodded his head in turn and Will suspected that what twinkle of manly mischief in his eyes may just well be a tear of happiness.
"Welcome home, mate."