"Logan there is no us, you made that perfectly clear I know you like Camille and what we had was just some little fling"James said a stern face on. My eyes widened and got teary "O-ok I see"I got up off his bed and laid down on mine my back towards him. I let tears spill from my eyes, I didn't mean for this to happen.
I really do like James but I like Camille too. The next day the band was due in the recording booth we all stood in our spots in front of microphones. I leaned forward slightly and looked past Kendall and Carlos to James at the end of the line. James and Carlos were playing alligator hand slap I took in a deep breath then looked forward again.
"Ok boys let's start with track 9 that one needs a lot of work"Kelly talked through a speaker and then clicked a few buttons. The music started filling the room and we began singing along and everything was fine. Well not everything. Although I sang along to the song it only made me feel worse.
The song was about the 'girl' not loving the 'boy' enough I wanted to cry but I held it in, I had to be strong. The rest of the recording went fine and we got released two hours later. "Finally"Carlos stretched and yawned "I wanna play video games"Carlos said as we all walked through the lobby "I bet I could beat your high score on Alien Blasters: The Sequel"Kendall said and Carlos laughed "I take that bet how's ten bucks"they shook then both of them raced to catch the elevator up to the room.
I become horrified at the sudden realization that James and I were alone. I took in a breath and turned towards him "Hey Jennifer"James leaned on a wall and talked to Jennifer 3. She gave a very flirty and giggly laugh I quickly turned away. A tilde wave of emotions washed over me and I calmly walked to the elevator. My breathing became rapid and deep as I stepped onto the elevator.
An old lady stepped on just before the doors closed and I clenched my teeth. 'Keep calm, stay strong'I repeated over in my head. The elevator finally stopped at our floor and I walked into the room. Kendall and Carlos were playing Alien Blasters bumping each other and trying to mess each other up. I walked into James and I's shared room and shut the door.
I dropped to the floor and began sobbing I curled into a ball on the floor. He really is over me, that's it I messed it up. After sobbing for a good amount of time I crawled onto my bed and laid down. I felt jealously, anger, sadness, and remorse. Seeing him talk to Jennifer destroyed me inside. My eyes went wide and I gasped as I realized.
That's how he felt all the time I was with Camille and with him. I shoved my face into the pillow and cried more, I didn't know how much pain I was causing him all that time.
A couple weeks passed and I began feeling more and more empty as each day went by. I sat on the couch watching a mindless reality show but my concentration was disturbed by the door opening. "Logan"Camille's voice rang and I looked over she held up a picnic basket and smiled.
"Remember I told you last week when you said you felt bad and you couldn't go to dinner with me that i'd make a picnic"I smiled fondly at Camille. She's always so determined and so nice. She's amazing and beautiful, funny and awesome to hang around. But still. Still I don't like her that way. I walked with her down the hall and into the elevator "I've got turkey and cheese sandwiches with chips, your favorite flavor, original"she smiled.
"Thanks so much for this"I said and she gave me a confused face. "We're going out that's what girlfriends do for sick boyfriends"I swallowed hard and nodded. "Well about that I think-"I took in a deep breath I need to break it off with her. "I think I know why i'm not feeling so good"I said she cocked her head to the side and her hair fell slightly. "I uh I think-"I looked at her with sad eyes "I think I need to see a therapist"I said and she looked worried.
"Oh my poor Logan what's wrong"I shrugged "I guess I just need to work on my attitude and my view on the world"I sighed. Every time I go to break up with Camille I can't do it, I used to convince myself it was because I loved her and I needed to get over the uneasy feeling I was having, but now I think it's because I do love her but not in that way.
Only a few days later Miss. Knight scheduled a therapist appointment for me. I sat in the waiting chair bouncing my leg and looking around the waiting room. Why am I so nervous? Is it because I know there's something wrong with me? "Logan Mitchell"the lady at the counter called motioning over to a door. I stood and opened it then I stepped inside the room.
There was a desk with a woman sitting away from me at a computer on the left wall. A couch was only a few feet away from the woman's desk. "Logan?"the woman turned in her chair and I nodded she gave me a friendly smile. "Come sit"she pointed to the couch and I did as she said.
I sat awkwardly on the couch "Ok why don't we start then how about a little about yourself"she clicked her pen and looked at her clipboard. "Um ok so i'm Logan, well you knew that, I want to be a doctor when I get older. I'm in a band now"I stopped remembering the band and my brain freezing on James. I shook my head to rid my thoughts "I see that is very interesting can you tell me about it".
I swallowed hard, I don't want her to know i'm in here because of James it'll make me look love sick or something. "Well it's my three best friends and I making music I guess. We're under Gustavo's production, you know Big Time Rush". She nodded "Yes, I don't listen but I know you guys are very popular can you explain the other band members to me".
I sighed "Ok um Kendall he's so responsible and he's always there for anyone who needs it"she interrupted me "If this Kendall is reliable did you go to him with this problem you've been having"I shook my head. "I can't tell him I don't feel comfortable enough"she jotted down a couple notes.
"Go on"I nodded "Carlos is very fun he's a big child and great for a up lifting laugh"she wrote a few things down. I swallowed and let out a shaky breath "Then there's James he's the face of the band, the hottie. He's funny and cool and-"I stopped and realized I was rambling "And you know a good friend"I attempted to cover up my rant about James.
"Uh huh so Logan may I ask if your seeing anyone"I nodded "Camille she so pretty and funny, chill too". I felt I owed Camille more of a description but I couldn't think about anything else. "Ok Logan i'm going to ask a fairly personal question I need your undivided truth, you can trust me this won't reach the public. Confidentiality".
I nodded and she looked me in the eyes "Have you ever had any romantic relationship with your friend James". I sighed "Yes a couple of months ago we broke up though, we had been dating secretly for a few months"she jotted down some notes. "I see and why did you guys break up"I stared at my lap and forced tears back.
"Well we got back from tour a couple of months ago and Camille and I started kinda going out we didn't say we were going out but I hadn't broken up with James or Camille so I was kinda dating both of them at the same time for a while"she nodded slowly. "How do you think that made both of them feel, James and Camille"I looked toward the ceiling avoiding all eye contact.
"James got really sad for a while, even stopped eating and practicing. I felt terrible and Camille doesn't know anything"she pierced her lips. "Did you feel terrible for James or for you"I looked at her in shock "I'm not selfish like that"she raised an eyebrow. "Let me explain the feeling of terrible"she said and I gave her a confuse face. "You can either feel terrible for doing something to somebody or you can feel terrible for something happening around you that affects your life"I fell back against the couch.
Tears clouded my eyes and I wiped them away "Your right i'm a horrible person"I sobbed and her face softened. "No no Logan you aren't. Listen you can still right this wrong, i'll schedule you for another session for next week, hopefully we can help you understand you feelings. In the mean time try to think about what you want to do with your relationship with Camille"I nodded. I left the office and started the fifteen minute walk back to the Palm Woods.
When I got back to the Palm Woods I went up to the room, I didn't want to see Camille yet. Should I break up with her, what would I even say? I opened the door and Camille stood in the kitchen with Miss. Knight. "Logan how was the therapist"Camille asked setting her cup of tea down and walking over to me. "Good I guess"I said looking down, I don't know what to do yet.
"Was she nice? Did she ask you questions about yourself? Does she know what's wrong yet?"Camille asked all at once with a concerned tone. "You know what, I really need to be alone for a while"I said the words coming out more rude and loud than I originally intended. Camille stepped back and nodded "Sorry"I mumbled looking down. "No i'm sorry go ahead i'll leave"Camille gave me a quick hug and left when the door closed behind her I sighed.
"Logan you know you can't put people off like that"Miss. Knight said dipping a tea bag into her cup. "I didn't mean to be rude it just came out that way, Camille knows"Miss. Knight shook her head "I mean about breaking up with her". My heart rate picked up "I uh-"I said and she shushed me "Listen Logan right now with all the confusing feelings and emotions you have the last thing you need is stress about Camille, she'll understand if you break up with her, she only wants the best for you"Miss. Knight had traveled around the counter and sat at the bar.
I sat down next to her "I don't know what to do. Camille really likes me and she wants the best for me. What's wrong with me why don't I like her"I fell back against the chair and sighed. "Nothing is wrong with you love, you just need time to know what you want or who you want"Miss. Knight said then looked at the door and motioned with her head.
Just as she looked at the door it opened and James walked through staring at his phone. My eyes widened and I sat up quickly then I looked over to Miss. Knight who was looking at her tea she smiled. James walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge Miss. Knight got up and entered her room down the hall. I should say something to him, something, but what?
"Hey Logan"James said while walking past me "Mnh"I mumbled out then quickly shut my mouth. Words, come on Logan you've been talking for 16 years. The door of our shared bedroom closed and I let out a shaky breath.
The next therapist appointment Miss. Knight dropped my off with Kendall in the backseat. "Have a good time Logan and be honest she can't know what's wrong if you lie"Kendall said trading me seats. "Thanks"I gave a small smile I entered the waiting room and was called immediately.
I sat on the couch and she smiled at me "Ok today I wanna focus on Camille, is that ok?"I shrugged and nodded. "What do you feel for her, honestly"I took in a breath then released it "I don't really see her as a romantic person in my life"I said and she nodded "Is that because you met someone better"I shrugged "I don't really know honestly. I liked her before but then"I stopped "But then James and you started dating"she finished and I nodded.
"Now you realize you want James?"she asked I nodded "But I can't have him I hurt him too much". "Let's veer away from James what do you think is the best for both you and Camille"she asked and I shrugged. "I can't seem to bring myself to break up with her"she nodded and wrote something down.
"Do you think perhaps Camille is your back up plan, if James doesn't work out you have Camille. So you won't be alone"my eyes widened a little and I looked down. Could it be that i'm using both of them? "Maybe, it's not nice but maybe subconsciously I know it won't work out with James so i'm keeping Camille around"I questioned myself. "Or maybe subconsciously your too scared to let either of them work so you use the other as an excuse"I showed my confusion in my face and she started elaborating.
"You can't get close to James because of Camille and you can't get close to Camille because of James"I swallowed and nodded. "You have to choose and quickly the more you string Camille along the more it'll hurt"I sighed and nodded.
When I returned to the room Camille was waiting alone "Hey sorry I know I should give you space I just wanted to know you got home safe"she stood and I smiled then frowned. "Camille we need to talk"I lead her over to the couch and sat her down. I sat next to her and looked at my hands, I can't look her in the eyes right now.
"Camille I think with everything that's happening-"she interrupted me. "It's ok Logan I understand you need time to figure out what's wrong"I looked up and smiled a little. "Really you understand"I asked and she nodded. "I'll stay out of your way for a while but we still have date night right"she asked and I paused.
"No Camille I don't think you understand we need to break up"she flinched and stared at me with wide eyes. "But why Logan"she asked "I need time Camille, i'm sorry, it's for the best of both of us I promise"I looked down then back up. "Ok if that's what you think"I nodded and she hugged me "I'll miss you though"she kissed my cheek then got up and left.
I sat there quietly for a little while then wiped my watery eyes. It was harder than I thought it was gonna be, she was so nice about it. I sniffled and wiped my eyes some more. The door opened and I didn't look up. "Logan what's wrong"James's voice rang out and I sighed deeply "Nothing"I said turning away slightly.
He sat on the couch next to me and put a arm around my shoulders "Oh Logan don't lie". Feeling his touch was comforting and made me feel slightly better. "Camille and I broke up just now"I said and he gasped "Why you two were so good together"he said and I scoffed.
"No we weren't, I realized I was only using her and I don't want that for her. I'm a horrible person"I sobbed a little. "No you aren't Logan your amazing"he said lightly squeezing me.
"No i'm not with what I did to you and now to Camille I really am a terrible person"I felt his arm drop from me and I sighed. I probably shouldn't have said anything about us, it might have brought up old anger.
"Logan, Camille, just like myself, will get over it. Will get over you, she's strong and if she''s smart she'll know it's for the best". I hung my head he's over me, over us. I don't blame him.
"Just calm down and maybe take a nap or something"he got up from the couch and left to the kitchen. I got up and entered our shared room, I hurt Camille and I hurt him. James is right, they are both strong enough and smart enough to know i'm not worth it.
"I broke up with Camille"I told my therapist she gave a soft understanding smile "Now, it's time to focus on you. How do you feel"she asked. I gave a shrug "I- really don't know"I said slowly "I thought if I broke up with Camille this feeling would go away". I let out a hitched breath "I don't want to feel empty and horrible. Horribly empty"I swallowed and she nodded softly. "What are you afraid of Logan"she asked but I couldn't answer her. I didn't know yet.
"Come on. What are you afraid of Logan"Carlos shouted snapping me out of my daze. He held up a pamphlet for an amusement park I had already shot him down for the idea. "We have work to do Carlos. We don't have time for this"I lowered the pamphlet Carlos pouted childishly.
"Kendall, can't we go to the amusement park. Please"Carlos jumped off the bar stool he was sitting on when Kendall walked into the house. "What"he asked confused Carlos held the pamphlet up to his face. "Please. Can we go"he lowered it and pouted Kendall's face got a little red and he cleared his throat.
Screaming and shouting filled my ears as we walked into the amusement park. Everyone wore hats and sunglasses in order to hide from the crowds. "Oh my god. Look at that coaster"Carlos pointed up into the sky where a extremely high coaster went. "Looks fun, right Logan"James bumped me with his elbow. He knew I wasn't over Camille but what he didn't know was that I was over her.
I had gotten over Camille after a couple days of remembering back I had finally come to my own conclusion that I had never truly loved Camille. In the beginning I liked her but it slowly changed into a friendship. I now had to think about myself, I had to figure out why I wanted to use two of the most awesome people in my life.
"Well that line is gonna get pretty long so"Kendall checked his watch "Maybe we should get in line now"he pointed Carlos nodded excitedly. Miss. Knight and Katie had chosen not to come today but wished us luck on rides and packed us some snacks. I wish Miss. Knight would have come though since she for some reason knows everything about what i'm going through.
The line was 45 minutes, an extremely quick line considering the coaster, but for me it felt like a million years had passed looking at James laugh with everyone else. I felt like a ghost, a ghost everyone looked to expecting to laugh and when I didn't they would slowly stop laughing. I knew I was sucking the fun out of the day and it had only been 45 minutes. "Alright groups of two"Kendall said looking to James who shot Kendall and knowing glance with a smirk. "Why don't you go with Carlos Kendall"James smirked Kendall cleared his throat and shrugged.
As we traveled up the track the clicking built up the suspension the rollercoaster was famously knowing for being extremely high and having a huge drop. Kendall and Carlos were in front of us and Carlos turned around smiling widely. "This is gonna be so awesome"he shouted Kendall quickly turned him back around since it was unsafe for him to be turned like that. The drop was intense everyone was screaming but I didn't find the coaster as fun as I usually would.
Half the day passed as we went on more rides until we sat down for lunch I ate my fries slowly as James sipped a drink. Kendall had finished his burger and was watching Carlos excitedly read a directory map. Carlos started back over to us but a large man suddenly rammed into him. Kendall stood and James hissed Carlos rushed back over to us. "He smashed my corndog"Carlos said half angry half unbelieving. "Yeah all over your shirt"James snickered Kendall rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's just buy you a new shirt"he pointed over a gift shop "And corndog"Carlos mumbled.
It was only James and I now he turned to me my eyes glued on my fries I heard him let out a sigh. "Logan, what's wrong? Are you still sad about Camille"he asked I didn't have it in me to lie to him or hide my feelings. "No, not anymore"I said slowly we were quiet for a few seconds before I looked up. "James, do you ever fear being alone"he raised his eyebrows at the question. "Well- no, I've always believed i'd end up with someone"he answered I looked down "But I guess I am afraid of the person not loving me"he said.
I squeezed my eyes closed I wanted to say so many things I was sick of holding everything inside. I just wanted to scream. "James, i'm so sorry"I said my voice shaking "Oh no Logan I didn't say that to hurt you. I just- I mean it that's all"he said quickly guilt in his voice. I shook my head quickly "I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I messed up. I'm messed up"I let out a sob.
"I never wanted to confuse you or hurt you. And being away from you has been the worst experience of my life"I kept my head down. "I was so afraid of being alone that I made sure I would end up alone"I shook my head clumsily wiping away tears "I have some weird messed up vendetta against my own happiness". I coughed a bit my breathing deep and rapid "I'm just so sorry James. I'm sorry I was stupid, and scared. And i'm really sorry that I was too stupid and scared to tell you before that I love you".
I finally stopped talking sniffing and sobbing I had to even out my breathing. I heard his chair pull out quickly and I bit my bottom lip. A hand rested gently on my shoulder and I looked up hopefully. Kendall gave me a soft caring look I sucked in a breath and stood I hugged him. I needed a good hug. After a few minutes of Kendall and Carlos calming me down Kendall left to find James.
"After you said everything he- he uh just got up and left"Carlos rubbed his arm I nodded slowly. "How much did you guys hear"I asked embarrassed Carlos chuckled lightly "As far as being away from him being the worst part of your life or something" Carlos said. I let out a sigh "I know it was bad. And painful for both of us but i'm not really sorry I said all that". I took a deep breath in then let it out.
"I feel a lot better now. Like everything I was holding in, everything I was afraid of I can finally let go because- well because other people know about it I guess". Carlos nodded slowly "I don't want to talk about me anymore. I'm pretty sick of it"I said. We were quiet I grabbed another fry and ate it "What about you and Kendall"I asked.
Carlos tilted his head a bit "What do you mean"he asked I felt bad for possibly outing Kendall since he had an obvious crush on Carlos. "I just mean- since I've been distant and James has been"I paused "You and Kendall have been spending more time together". He nodded lightly it was a good thing that he was kinda ditzy, in a good way. "Yeah Kendall's awesome, always has been always will be".
I wanted to ask if he would ever consider Kendall more than an awesome friend but I didn't want to put ideas in his head. Considering my past with love I wasn't in any position to meddle in anybody's love lives. We talked about random stuff until Kendall came back it was nice to finally be able to think about something that wasn't myself. I hadn't realized before but my thought process was only about me for as long as I could think back.
"Where's James"I asked quietly Kendall let out a huff of air "I- don't know"he said Carlos stood he was very loyal and protective of everyone. "Did you look everywhere"Carlos asked to which Kendall nodded. "Bathrooms, food places, stores"Kendall listed off places he searched. "What about rides"Carlos offered "Why would he be on a ride"Kendall asked with obvious annoyance in his voice. "Maybe he wanted to get away from us"Carlos said as if it was obvious "He wants to get away from me. He's probably taking a cab back to Palm Woods"I sighed they nodded. "That's why you're the smart one"Carlos bumped me Kendall laughed lightly. "Let's go, he might be waiting outside the gates then"Kendall started through the crowds and we followed.
"Nothing"Carlos said once we check all around outside the gates "He must have left already"I said sadly. "Listen Logan, I know you think this is your fault but it's not"Kendall grabbed my shoulders and shook me a bit. "Yes it is"I said with full conviction "No it's not. You have feelings and your allowed to have those feelings and be unsure about them. So you finally figured out your feelings and if James can't take that like a man then that's his problem"Kendall dropped his hands from my shoulders.
I shook my head "I hurt him. That's it. He's allowed to be mad actually he deserves it. I don't regret saying those things but I do feel bad. They- I hurt him again". We all left for the Palm Woods after that traveling in silence when we got back we went straight up to the house. "Is James here"Kendall shouted opening the door Miss. Knight dropped the spoon she was holding and gripped her chest. "I haven't seen him honey. What's going on"she asked.
"Oh god what if we actually did leave him at the park"Carlos grabbed the sides of his head. "You guys left without him"Miss. Knight crossed her arms "Maybe he's somewhere around the Palm Woods"I said quickly they nodded. "Would someone please tell me what's going on"Miss. Knight said loudly. "I'll explain you guys go look. We'll be out with Katie in five minutes"Kendall said we both nodded and left the house. "I'll take the pool"Carlos said pressing the elevator button. I went for the stairs since I was gonna check every floor.
I got into the stairwell and looked up the daylight from outside was spilling in I started up. I went up a few flights before finally getting to the roof access the door which was propped open. I pushed the door open and carefully walked outside the ground was covered in small rocks with a half wall surrounding the area. I never knew it was even possible to get onto the roof but I knew it wasn't allowed. However, if I knew James and he was here at the Palm Woods he would be on this roof.
I looked around for a few seconds before spotting him sitting on an air conditioning system. "James"I said softly once I got behind him he didn't even flinch "I don't want to talk"he said flatly. I swallowed and looked down I knew this would happen I clenched my fists. "Well good. Just listen"I walked in front of him and he looked at me his eye void of all emotion.
"I'm not gonna say i'm sorry for telling you I love you because i'm not sorry about that. What I did to you was- horrible. I felt just horrible about myself but as soon as I realized that's exactly how I made you feel all I wanted to do was apologize"my clenched fist sat at my sides slowly unclenching. James stood quickly making me step back.
"Yeah you did such a great job apologizing with Camille's tongue in your mouth. Logan you don't understand, I was so hurt I thought we had something together but when I saw you with Camille it was clear that whatever we had wasn't strong enough"he closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "I forced myself to get over you because if I didn't I wouldn't have survived. You think I was over you when I started getting healthy again, I wasn't. I wasn't over you when I pulled you into the pool. I wasn't over you when we left for the amusement park. And i'm not over you now".
He shook his head softly letting out a sigh "But that doesn't matter because even if i'm not over you, i'm not on you. I mean- I'm not hung up on you, at least I can't be". We didn't say anything for a minute "What are you afraid of Logan"James asked. He had told me what he feared, loving someone but not being loved in return. I finally knew what I was afraid of.
"I'm afraid of losing the one I love. I'm so scared of it that I don't- even allow myself- to love"I looked down "I'm afraid of losing you". I heard him sigh "Logan you can't lose me. We've been friends forever and we've got the band". I shook my head "I don't want that. I don't just want to be your friend. I don't want to be your bandmate. James I want to be your boyfriend. I want to be with you".
I looked up to him sniffling "I can't- I can't say i'm sorry enough for what I did"I blinked tears out of my eyes. "You. Don't have to anymore"he said "I forgive you Logan"he placed a hand on my shoulder then the other on my back and pulled me into a hug. I breathed in a couple deep breaths smelling his cologne he always did smell amazing.
"Do you really- love me"he asked it was more confused than serious I laughed lightly "Yes of course". We stayed hugging for a minute "The we have two options"James said pulling away I took a step back "We can- go back to being friends and bandmates. The not dangerous, normal option. Or"he looked down but I kept my eyes on him. "We could start dating again. The dangerous option. Cause if we break up everything will get ruined"he looked up looking me in the eyes. I shook my head "The second option. I'll choose it every time no matter the consequences".
He laughed "But if we broke up it would affect the whole band, not just us"he warned. I bit my bottom lip "I'm sorry but i'm selfish. I want you and I want to be with you". We laughed together and everything felt normal, fixed, perfect once more.
We entered the house James first "James. Oh my god, we were looking all over for you"Kendall yelled Miss. Knight hugged him. "Where were you we checked everywhere"Carlos asked James laughed nervously "Sorry I worried everyone. Logan and I had to talk". Everything went quiet as I shut the door everyone stared at us expecting us to tell them everything that happened. "Ok call me nosey but i'm dying to know. Did you guys figure this thing out"Carlos shouted and the others nodded. James laughed looking over to me I gave a smile "Well uh let's just say- we're happy"they all smiled.
"I would hope so since we're going out"I said and everyone did a short cheer James and I blushed at their congratulations. "You know what you two look good together"Carlos said smiling James started to push through everyone but he stopped and smirked. "You know who else would look good together"he glanced to me then looked back to Carlos. "You and Kendall"he said mischievously I pushed him lightly "James"I said he laughed and continued on. When I looked back Carlos and Kendall were bright red in the faces and Miss. Knight was slightly rolling her eyes with a happy smile "You boys. Seriously".