"The bet is simple," Cartman announced smugly. "I bet I could go up to a complete stranger's house and convince them to sign a contract and let me in their home when they're not there."
Kyle raised an eyebrow. "That's the bet?" He asked in disbelief.
"Yep!" Cartman confirmed. "I'll even act shady as fuck."
"There is no way you could pull that off!"
"Well I bet I could!" Cartman challenged, smirking confidently.
Kyle smirked back. "You're on, fatass," He crossed his arms. "But there has to be a few conditions."
Cartman scoffed. "Of course there does, I'm not new to this, I've already thought of that as well. The conditions are: there can be no mention of the bet to the people in the selected house, the house must be selected at random and be people we don't know, and while you watch from the sidelines you can't try to sabotage me."
Kyle nodded as he thought over the details. "And you can't use money to get them to let you in." He added.
Cartman pressed a hand to his chest dramatically, giving Kyle a faux-offended look. "Why Kyle, how could you even think I would ever do that?"
"Because I know you too well." Kyle said blandly. "Do we have an agreement?"
Cartman nodded. "Sure, sure. All rules apply to both of us, by the way." He teases, then stuck his hand out toward Kyle. "It's a bet?"
Kyle grabbed Cartman's outstretched hand and shook it firmly. "It's a bet."
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
"You never go halfway, I'll give you that." Kyle told Cartman as he looked him up and down.
Cartman turned in a full rotation, showing off his plain blue uniform as if it were the finest designer suit. Then he posed like a runway model, causing Kyle to laugh.
"The detail are everything," Cartman informed him proudly. "That's why I'll always win."
Kyle rolled his eyes. "You don't always win. What about that time I won the bet about what's actually in your favorite soda, or the time you thought that post on Facebook was a hoax. Oh! Or the time I won that bet and you had to wear the pink tutu-"
"Okay, I win most of the time." Cartman corrected, interrupting any further rehashing of such embarrassing events. He much preferred to forget about those times.
Kyle shook his head, letting the subject go. He glanced up at the logo printed on the duckbill hat on Cartman's head. "'S.C.A.M. huh?" He mentioned. "You're being even more blatant than I expected you to be, and that's saying something."
"Glad you noticed that. What can I say? I like to challenge myself. But I'll still win the bet, hands down."
"Oh?" Kyle asked, eyebrow raised. He gestured towards the row of houses across from them. "Then prove it."
Cartman leaned down and grabbed a toolbox. He looked over the house before moving his gaze back to Kyle. "You can pick the house." He suggested.
"You trust me to do that without cheating?"
Cartman walked forward, pressing a finger against the middle of Kyle's chest. "Your heart's too soft, going back on an agreement would fill you with too much guilt."
For a few moment they just stared into one another's eyes, the air seeming to thicken. Then Kyle broke the gaze, simultaneously breaking the moment as he swallowed, trying to find some other reason for his heartbeat suddenly speeding up.
"You know me pretty well." Kyle observed, looking towards Cartman shyly.
"Yeah, well, it's pretty easy to know someone so well when you've known them for over ten years…" He turned his eyes back towards the houses again. "Just pick the house, day walker. I want time to think of all the things I'll have you do when I win."
"Hate to tell you Cartman, but I'm going to in this bet." He informed the other boy, glad to have their usual teasing back. Anything else was much too unknown. He picked a house he didn't recognized, pointing it out. "Try that one."
Cartman appraised the house carefully before nodding in agreement. "Get ready to lose, Jew." Then he realized something, and reached into his pocket to pull something out. He handed Kyle the earpiece and grinned. "So you can hear my brilliance." He explained, gesturing to a small microphone clinging to his shirt collar.
Kyle scoffed as he took it. "Just get on with it, douchebag."
Cartman saluted him jokingly, turning and heading off towards the previously singled out yellow house.
When he reached it he knocked briskly on the large wooden door, listening as the clack of heels on hardwood floors approached him. The door was pulled open by a middle aged brunette woman with a confused expression painted on her face.
"Hello?"
"Hello ma'am!" Cartman replied with a false excitement coloring his tone. He plastered on a wide, charming grin. "I'm Eric Cartman with Spectacular Cleaning and More. At S.C.A.M. our mission is to help the average Joe with a superior cleaning service."
"Oh?" The woman questioned, but Cartman could hear the disinterest in her voice, but he knew how to fix that.
"Yes. Think of how many times you have to clean a week. Wouldn't your time be better spent with other things?"
"Well yes, but I don't think I'll need a cleaning service…" She told him politely, already preparing to close the door. Cartman decided to use his next tactic.
"Did you know the average person will leave up to seventy-three percent of bacteria after what they would consider a deep clean?"
"Oh my!" She threw a hand over her mouth, eyes widening, previous reluctance forgotten. Cartman smirked inwardly. Hook, line, and sinker.
"Exactly," He agreed with a mock grim tone, nodding solemnly. He noticed the children's toys scattered around the floor behind her. "And children are the most susceptible to these bacteria. Do you want to take the chance that your children will become sick, or even die because the house wasn't cleaned professionally?"
"No! No, of course not…" She instated defensively, looking up at him sheepishly.
"That's why we're here ma'am. We can protect your family from sickness and keep you from having to break your back doing it yourself every day. With one payment of only sixty-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents we can clean up while you're out and keep it clean for six month!"
"That does seem like quite a good deal…a whole six months?"
"Indeed!" Cartman smirked, deciding to up the ante for Kyle's sake. "That's a very nice necklace, by the way. I bet you have a lot of nice jewelry, huh?"
"Oh, yes. Thank you," She replied. She smiled at him. "You know what? I think I will use your service!"
"That's great! Just sign here," He pulled a clipboard from his toolbox and pointed to a line on the bottom. "And we'll choose a time when you're not here to come on in and get to work."
The woman signed quickly, not bothering with actually reading the contract she was subjecting herself to. Cartman had just put a bunch of bullshit down on it anyway, knowing full well that people didn't tend to bother with that sort of thing. He didn't plan on enforcing it, this was purely to help his plan. He wouldn't be coming back here after this.
Once she had signed he shoved the clipboard back into his toolbox as she spoke again.
"Could you come on Friday?"
Cartman agreed vaguely, smirking victoriously and imagining what Kyle's face looked like at this moment. The victorious smirk fell from his face at the woman's next words.
"Could I just pay you now?"
Cartman blinked, looking at her. Pay him now? Now that sounded like a great idea. He could get what he wanted most in the world with his plan, and he could get almost seventy bucks! He could buy a nice new PlayStation game with that kind of money… Then he sighed, practically feeling the glare burning into his back. He wanted the money, but the Jew was such a damn killjoy that he would bitch about "taking advantage of people" and all that shit, and right now he really wanted the focus to be on the bet.
"It's our policy to collect money on the day of the job," He told her reluctantly.
"Oh, well okay. I'll see you Friday then!"
He nodded, turning and walking back down the driveway, the smirk coming back to his face as he neared Kyle and saw the adorable angry flush that colored his face. Kyle glared up at him when he reached him, body tense with annoyance and arms crossed. "How...why…what…how the hell do you do that?!"
"Never underestimate people's ability to be lazy as fuck," He told Kyle.
"But you were so obvious and she didn't even question it!"
"Kyle, Kyle, Kyle," Cartman said, shaking his head. "That's your problem, you always think so rationally so you don't understand people that don't. I, on the other hand, know how people work so I know just what to say to get what I want."
"But no one is that stupid!" Kyle insisted.
"Everyone is that stupid," Cartman corrected. "Well, almost everyone."
Kyle huffed, still looking for some reason to get out whatever would come of losing the bet. He sighed. He knew he had lost, might as well take the high road and accept it. "Fine, whatever. You…you win." He finally said reluctantly.
"Since I won you'll need to be at my house at seven a.m. sharp."
"Why?" Kyle questioned.
"So we can begin my reward for winning the bet," Cartman informed him smugly. "Oh, and Kyle?"
"What?" Kyle bit out sharply, looking thoroughly sick of the smug grin that wouldn't leave Cartman's face.
"Tomorrow, call me Master Eric the awesomest."
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0
Author's Note:
So, I finally managed to put something up for the actual bet from my story Betting. I had such a hard time with this and I know it's not really up to par, but this is all I can come up with on the subject. I'm going to get started on a much better one-shot that I'll be happier with so I can forget about this one...
I hope you enjoyed it anyway, at least a little. Thanks for reading it!