Death Be Not Proud
A one-shot Angel/Collins ficlet.
Verse taken from John Donne's "Holy Sonnet".
Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, thou art not so
Angel was definitely NOT dying! "- AIDS patients go through these things a lot, especially now, when things start getting really cold outside." Another stage in the illness, presumably in the eyes of Tom Collins, this illness was only stages, stages that most definitely led to absolutely nothing. There, end of discussion, zip. Zadda. Boom.
Angel, however, was not so easily kidded. "-I mean Tom, we both knew I wasn't going to be here forever and, oh sweetie please don't cry. I'm not saying we'll be parted forever, only for a little while! And then we'll be together for absolutely ever! With no pain and no sickness and, oh come here!"
It was, to say the least a heartbreaking thing for Maureen, he ex-girlfriend Joanne, Roger, Mark and Mimi to witness. Mimi was constantly looming over Angel's bed, attending to his every need. She knew it was that last stretch of suffering for him and though it distressed her greatly to see him, barely coherent, talking about his last days, coughing, wheezing, growing pale and developing lesions, she loved him too much to not listen and not help.
It was almost Halloween, and Angel was supremely excited at this prospect. Collins came in with a nurse at med time three days to his beloved Holiday and he beamed at his lover. Collins sat at the head of his bed and leant to kiss him lingeringly on the lips. Angel smiled and returned the kiss with as best of a response as he could. "Honey, will you go buy me feathery wings? So I can be all dressed up when people come see me that day?"
Collins nodded and ran his hand over Angel's feverish skin. "Of course baby. I'll get you a little harp too, so you'll be all ready when the little kids come room to room trick-or-treating." He promised, snuggling up next to Angel once the nurse was done changing his drip bags. "I bought some candy and I have a bowel like you asked."
"Oh good." Angel said softly, growing tired. "I. . . I always loved passing out candy to the kids, I wanted kids you know. To adopt I mean. Kids are amazing Tom. They don't make judgements. They ask questions and then they just go with it no matter what they may wonder about. I really do love kids. Tommy?"
Collins was wiping several tears off of his cheeks, the simple babbling was breaking his heart. He would have loved to have shared children with Angel. Angel would have made the most amazing mother. "Yes baby?"
Angel tilted his head up to look at him, frowning. "Oh no, why are you crying?"
Collins shook his head. "We got so robbed. . ."
"Shhhh. Maybe another life? And maybe when we're both reincarnated I'll actually be able to carry your children."
Collins laughed. "I wouldn't love you as a real woman."
Angel looked at him, eyes widened, slightly hurt. "But sweetie, I am a real woman."
Collins nodded quickly and kissed him lovingly. "Yes, yes, I used the wrong term. A female woman. See, I love you without raging hormones and oversized, squishy breasts and an annoyingly high pitched voice."
Angel couldn't help but giggle and leant up to kiss Collins chin. "I know Tommy, and I'm glad you love me the way I've chosen to be, but I didn't mean to carry your children as a woman. I meant that maybe by then science will be improved enough. Gosh, I don't feel so good!"
Collins frowned and touched his cheek, it was icy! "I'll go get the doctor."
"No Tom." He took Collins' hand. "No. I don't want to gold it off any longer. It'll just make it hurt worse. Let it come as it will."
For those thou dost think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor death. Nor canst thou kill me
From rest and sleep which but thy pictures be
The doctor entered anyway, however. Collins looked up at him. He did not like this man, not so much for the man himself, but for what he stood for. What he had to say everyday. Angel Schunard, was certainly not dying! He managed a weak smile and slid from the bed, he knew, without having to be told, that he doctor was uncomfortable around homosexual activity. Angel looked suddenly deeply hurt and confused so he bent and kissed her forehead. "I love you."
A smile. He loved that smile.
"Hello gentlemen. I do so hate to be the bearer of bad news but I'm afraid I don't think Angel will make it past the 31st. You just haven't improved, Mr. . ." A dirty look from the bedridden Hispanic. He quickly corrected himself. "Miss Schunard. You've gotten much, much worse."
Angel wiped the look off of his face and swallowed past a painful lump in his throat. "But Halloween, I'll see Halloween?"
"Well maybe." The doctor said with a shrug. "If you keep up the meds." He left after that, he had nothing more to tell them.
Collins sat with his lover once more. "Are you all right?"
"Oh yes." The voice was quiet and much more feminine, he was making a conscious effort to be his more feminine self. "Darling, I don't want the meds anymore."
"What??" Collins stood with a jolt, already tear-glossy eyes widening and filling to the brim with salty sadness. "B-but Angel! Halloween! The kids! It's your last chance!"
Angel shook his head and held his hand out to Collins. "Come here." The taller, darker man shook his head, quivering with sobs of inconsolable grief. Angel's eyes narrowed very slightly and he used a very masculine, yet broken voice, full of stern forcefulness that Collins did not ever know he possessed. "I said to come here!"
He obeyed and took Angel's hand, sat with him, head lowered. Angel pulled his hand from Collins and lifted that beautiful, sweet face to look him directly in the eyes. It caused Collins great pain, and he knew it. But he had to get this past him. "Thomas Bartholomaei Collins, you have been such a pearl in my life! Such a gift! I've taught you to live to the fullest outcome and laying in this hospital prolonging this life which will go nowhere to pass candy out to snot-nosed upper west side kids is not how I ever envisioned my last day!" Collins was crying quite openly and it broke Angel's heart to see him grieving so soon.
"Oh my sweet baby." He whispered, pulling Collins to come onto the bed. He obeyed. Angel kissed him and slid his frail arms around him. "Tommy, bolt the door. I want you to make love to me one last time."
More pleasure, then from thee much more must flow
It had been a journey just to get Collins to agree and indeed bar the door and block the window. Such a visit was not banned in this ward of the hospital where the ill were terminal with a disease that they did not understand in the least. The cool air on Angel's skin when he was undressed was a relief, he was so very hot from fever! Collins undressed with progression and focused most on memorizing every line, every curve, ever taste and smell on Angel. After kissing everything from his small, delicate hipbones up, he met Angel's mouth with a heated kiss.
"My sweet girl." He murmured, cupping Angel's face in his hands.
Angel pulled his mouth with some difficulty from Collins'. "No." He murmured, his love moved back slightly, staring at him in shock. "No, Thomas. Tonight, our last night, we make love as Angelus and Thomas. Tonight, I am a man." It was so very poetic and though Collins had no idea why, his assertiveness with his true gender was very sexy. Don't go getting ideas that he banged the life out of Angel because the poor guy recognized with no shame or apprehension that he was a man. It was lovemaking and the bond that that moment set in them made it all the more sweet.
A while later, don't ask how long because they could not keep time on something so important, Angel stirred very slightly in his love's perspired arms. "I want you to take this night with you always. I want you to remember how happy you felt with me, and I want you to remember always that I never caused you pain before, my death should be no different."
Collins nodded though he knew it would be a difficult promise to make. "I will, forever and for always." He looked into Angel's small, marred by darkness face. His cheeks were pink. "Baby, why are you blushing? Or is it too hot with me here?"
It was hot, so very hot and not in a sexual way. But Angel would lay there no other way. "I'm a bride, Thomas. Tonight I became your blushing bride."
Collins wanted to cry at that again, but instead he kissed Angel lovingly and held him until a nurse came and they were forced to be dressed again.
And soonest our best men with thee do go
Rest of their bones and their souls delivery
Thou art slave to fate, chance kings, and desperate men
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell
The very next day when he came in from work, the first thing that any nurse had to tell him was that Angel was basically unresponsive and unable to care for himself at all. He went into the room and though Angel did indeed respond in short, quick sentences, it was not the Angel he had known and love. The Angel who spoke everything on his mind to every question or thing that someone else said. Mimi came over later in the day and both were very emotional while giving Angel foot massages, reading him the news and giving him his AZT. The doctor assured them that this was a state of rest for Angel, from the exhaustion his life had brought him.
It wasn't good enough, god dammit. "-you just don't get it, I love that fucking man and I have to watch him die because I'm such a good strong guy!"
And poppy and charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke, why swell'st thou then?
The next morning Angel was moaning and crying in pain, so he was put on a morphine drip and then sedated to help him sleep. The doctors told Collins to make the final preparations and to call everyone to come say their goodbyes. He hadn't made any preparations so he called a church and a funeral company about the cheapest decent casket they had. It was still unbelievably expensive but he refused to settle. Everyone came to bid farewell except for Roger, Collins figured he knew why.
Everyone left and Collins slid into the bed with Angel once again. "I remember all my promises. I won't let you down, Angel baby. I swear I won't let you down. I love you so much, save me a place in heaven." He was crying, holding him. "Save me a place in heaven next to you, my sweet Angel. Oh lover, I'll cover you!"
One short sleep past we wake eternally
And death shall be no more, Death, thou shalt die.
Late that night after one last kiss that Collins knew he could feel Angel returning, the heart monitor showed a flatline and Collins just held Angel and cried until the people from the mortuary came and took him. The next morning was his service and upon walking into the church and seeing that casket, he started to cry. No one was there to watch him. He went over and placed Angel's framed photo onto the casket, and then the drumsticks. Knowing the love of his life was in there, temporarily unable to decay brought so much pain.
But the smile in that photo. He loved that smile! It made him smile back, and he knew, there was a place in heaven right next to Angel waiting for him always!
"Death, thou shalt die!"
Reviews please?