Title: The Seven Beings to Rule them All

Pairing(s): Mentions of Tezuka/Fuji, implied Marui/Kirihara, ninja!Atobe/Jirou

Rating: T

Genre: Attempted crack

Summary: The Demon in Hell, Mizuki Hajime, created seven sinful Beings. Their names were Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath, Sloth, Pride and Greed. An average day in Hell, in which Atobe's coffee never appears, the Beings continuously use words taboo in Hell, Kirihara is a tsundere under the service of an oblivious Marui, and Ryoma snores.

Notes: for haveyounomercy at livejournal (HaveYouNoMercy), aka meru-senpai : ) for pot_ffnet at livejournal's In Another Dimension AU anon fic exchange.

Hell, a very very long time ago

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In a dimension far far away, the Demon in Hell (also known as Mizuki Hajime to his subordinates) breathed a sigh of relief as he completed his latest experiments. Cackling with glee, he wriggled his fingers happily and ran around flailing his arms like the little girl he secretly was. Little did he know how much trouble these... Beings would bring...

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Hell, present time

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"This is a conspiracy." Pride-sama, whose real name is Atobe Keigo, says annoyedly. "Why is my coffee not in my hand right now? It is fifty seconds late."

Lust-sama, commonly known as Fuji Syuusuke, smiles in the way that only he (and succubuses) can and suddenly most of the people in the room have thoughts of raping him whether they be male or female. "Perhaps your coffee-maker has died."

"I want a coffee maker, why do you get one and I don't when I have two billion years experience of being in Hell?" Envy, who is not important enough to have a suffix, knits his eyebrows together (or rather, his one brow creases), his face taking on the jealous expression that he has perfected. This also happens to be the only thing he has perfected. "Even Mizuki doesn't have one."

"Hey, you!" the Demon in Hell shrieks, pointing a manicured finger directly at Horio the envious's unibrow. "Yes, you! How many times have I told you to call me 'leadja-sama'? Only those who live on earth may call me by that inferior name that my grandma's cousin's husband's boyfriend gave me!"

"What the hell's 'leadja'?" Sloth-sama, who tells people to call him Echizen Ryoma when he can be bothered to get up (he doesn't want to be known as a sloth as sloths are not very attractive animals), calls lazily from where he is draped over the sofa and drinking Ponta like a sloth would, if sloths drank Ponta.

"I dunno, he got it off some show he watched on the computer. Even though I was the one that watched it first! I'll get you back for copying me, Mizuki! I swear to God, that I'll get my revenge for this! I'll steal your dried mangoes when you aren't looking!" Wrath-sama, the one that everyone calls Kirihara Akaya, glares at the purple-clad Demon.

"You swear to God?!" Mizuki says, sounding offended, and rightfully so.

"I mean, I- I swear to myself!"

"How did you even manage to stream it in?!" Momoshiro Takeshi, who is known in hell as Gluttony-sama even though that is possibly the ugliest name ever, scratches his head with one hand while stuffing hamburgers into his mouth by the second with his other hand. "The internet connection in Hell is as shit as well... Hell."

"Stop being racist." Mizuki scolds Gluttony-sama as Pride-sama sits in the throne he has stolen from the Demon in Hell tapping his feet impatiently. "Especially against your own race."

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"I need my coffee!" Pride-sama interrupts haughtily, snapping his fingers. "Right, Kabaji?"

There is no reply.

"...Kabaji?"

Silence fills the air.

"Kabaji!"

The awkward silence starts to become suffocating.

Ryoma snores.

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"I have decided that you, you lucky commoner, will be responsible for getting my coffee." Atobe says decidedly after the choking silence, pointing his manicured index finger directly at Envy's unibrow- a motion copied directly from the Demon-sama himself.

"It s not fair that he gets a slave to make his coffee, and I don't." Horio complains loudly and enviously.

Fuji slowly fixes his gaze onto Horio and smiles dangerously. "Why hello, Horio."

And so, Horio has no choice but to get on his knees to Fuji's most wondrous gorgeousness.

"How about you help him too, Kirihara-kun?"

Kirihara tries to avoid Fuji's eyes to get past the waves of sex radiating off him, but Fuji is Lust-sama and cannot be avoided. And so he trudges off to collect and make Pride-sama's coffee, deciding to dump chunks of frozen mayonnaise ice cubes in too, just for good measure.

"Akaya!" Greed-sama, who is often known as Marui Bunta, grins at his favourite Being, "Could you grab me a cake too? Or, well, ten cakes. Or a hundred cakes. And could you get me those pair of headphones from the Ole Hell Shoppe, the white ones. But I want the black ones too. And the green. Yeah, just get me all of them, 'kay?"

"Hey, Marui-san! Don't take all the cakes! I want some! I don't have enough!" Momoshiro calls, all the while stuffing his mouth with cake.

For God's sake, Momoshiro! You've had enough to eat already! You've done nothing for your entire existence except eat, and attempt to stream porn and cooking shows in on the shitty internet connection." complains Wrath-sama.

"For God's sake?! Mizuki says, sounding offended, and rightfully so.

"For- for Hell's sake? I don't know! Stop breaking all the correct phrases, Mizuki!"

"While they're at it, my usual, Misaki. In my hand. In five minutes." Fuji says, looking rather pleased with himself.

"Why are you ordering me around? I created you," the Demon in Hell grumbles, annoyance as clear as the transparent bread they eat in Hell.

"Decaf low-fat iced vanilla latte made using skim milk, with exactly six ice cubes and 10 mL vanilla, stirred seventeen and a half times. Exactly. Don't you dare do anything with soybeans." Fuji adds with a glare.

"I think you're retarded, just so you know." Mizuki yells as his hands automatically start making the drink.

"Funny thing, since you were the one who created him." Marui comments bemusedly.

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Ryoma snores.

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"Kirihara, what's taking the coffee so long?" Fuji says absently.

"Fuck you." says Kirihara.

"No," Fuji shrugs, "only Tezuka fucks me."

Atobe sighs. "If you don't shut about him, I m going to push you down to Mortal Land."

Fuji grins like a succubus that has just finished devouring its prey, and Atobe realises too late that he has fallen into Fuji's trap.

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Five minutes later, Mizuki stands panting in front of Lust-sama, a mug in hand.

"Oh, well, that took a long time." Fuji sighs, "but thank God my coffee is finally here."

"Thank God?!" Mizuki says, sounding offended, and rightfully so.

"I am absolutely insulted." Atobe frowns, "What happened to thank the Almighty All-powerful Awesome Amazing Atobe-sama?"

"I saw 'bible verse of the day' on Fuji-senpai's laptop," Echizen mumbles from the sofa, half asleep.

Mizuki gasps, shocked and enraged as he points and splutters at Fuji. "You- you, what?! You traitor! I should kick you out, down to Mortal Land!"

Fuji grins like a succubus that has just finished devouring its prey, and Mizuki realizes too late that he has fallen into Fuji's trap.

"Oh my God, Tezuka's religious, isn t he." Marui comments bemusedly, more of a statement than a question.

Oh your God?! Guys, I'm getting sick of this! Haven't I trained you all since forever?! Mizuki says, sounding offended, and rightfully so.

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Ryoma snores.

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"Oh, my coffee." Fuji says, sounding happy. "I completely forgot it was here. Maybe next time, I should get someone more noticeable and less inferior to give it to me, so I won't forget."

Mizuki sighs in relief at Fuji's apparent satisfaction and completely ignores the insult, and then turns to go, only to be stopped by four pillars of ice forming a cage around him. He knows then, that his life is immediately over - that is, if he had a life in the first place.

"Minami. What," Fuji s voice calls, ice-cold and evil-sounding, "is this?" He is holding up the mug handed to him by Mizuki with a frosty glare on his face.

"Your- your coffee?" Mizuki whimpers. "And it's Mizuki."

"You stirred it eighteen point two five seven one three times," mutters Lust-sama lowly. "I ordered for seventeen and a half."

And the scariest thing to ever happen in Hell, happens. Fuji Syuusuke, Lust-sama and succubus extraordinaire, stands up. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes and shadows jump from object to object on the floor in fear of the wrath of one of the most powerful Beings in Hell.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Mizuki shrieks like a little girl, putting his hands over his ears and fleeing, kicking up a dust storm.

Fuji blinks, eyes wide and blue and innocently clear. "I was just going to tell him how eighteen point two five seven one three actually tasted better than seventeen and a half."

The sun breaks out from behind dark clouds that turn white and fluffy, and a light mist hangs in the air, creating a perfect rainbow.

"I want to be able to do that!" Horio cries enviously from where he is still bent over Atobe's coffee machine. "It's not fair how you guys have all the cool effects and I only have a unibrow!"

"Wait, what, I don't even." says everyone else after seeing the weather change.

"That's it!" Atobe suddenly yells. "My coffee, now. Are you commoners telling me that both of you together are slower than that... that thing over there?" He points at the cowering, curled up Demon, who is whimpering and shivering in a corner, a dark gloom cloud above him, and mushrooms sprouting from his head.

"He was jealous that you had a coffee machine and he didn't, so he drank the first cup of coffee." tattles Wrath-sama.

"And then he poured the second cup over my head because he got pissed." wails Horio.

"...fuck my life." says Atobe and pulls the lever on his throne to take him down to Mortal Land, to visit an actual coffee shop. (Unbeknownst to him, he will later find out that the most adorable Mortal barista has fallen asleep over his coffee, like how the barista falls asleep at well, everything.)

"I-I made another cup. But, it's not like, it was for you or anything. It was just there." Kirihara frowns flushedly at Marui, looking away.

Ryoma snores.

"Those tsundere types," Marui comments bemusedly with a wistful smile on his face as Kirihara sits on lap, 'reluctantly', "I want one too."

"You are so oblivious." says Fuji as he happily plucks a mushroom off Mizuki's head and dips it in his coffee.

comments loved. (c)apple bubblegum ; january 2010

(whoever picks up on the kpop hints (note: 2pm!) gets a free oneshot!)