The Cost of Safety
Poetheather
So, yeah… these characters are so totally not mine. Disney owns them, lock, stock and barrel. I am merely playing in their snowfield.
The Cost of Safety
It was always worse when Anna knocked on the door. Every time her sister intruded on her solitude and asked if they could build a snowman it cut into her, tore at her heart, made her cry, made it snow and things iced over. This seemed like a daily occurrence though she hadn't shown up yesterday or the day before. Perhaps there was some sort of hope from this. Early on, right after they had come back from the trolls and her room had been moved, Elsa had taken the Anna doll that was hers but hearing the sadness from her sister, given that they were forbidden to play together, she had it returned to her sister's room by one of the servants. Doing that had been one of the hardest things she had ever done as it was the last concrete hold on Anna she had. Sure, she occasionally had a trusted servant occasionally sneak her Anna's pillow case so she could sleep with the scent of her sister helping her sleep but that was not a constant visible reminder.
Now she spent her time reading and studying, struggling to become the best she could so she would be a worthy Queen. It was all she had really. Once her powers had become a problem it wasn't like she had anything else? She was afraid to touch her parents for fear that she would hurt them, she was afraid to touch anyone. She rarely took her gloves off anymore, except to bathe and occasionally when she slept. She just pulled inwards more and more, alone with her regrets and a building fear of the power she had been born with.
One day and she didn't know when that power would grow out of her control and that terrified her. She constantly worked at reigning in her emotions, at keeping herself calm, at trying not to feel. However all that work would be undone with a tiny, hesitant knock and a voice asking, "Do you want to build a snowman?"
She loved her sister. She hated her sister. No matter how calm she got, how in control she grew all it took to destroy her delicate hold on things was seven words, seven stupid words that she used to love to hear from Anna. And she wanted to, she wanted to so desperately that she all but ached with the need. She wanted to throw the doors wide, to embrace her sister, to build her an army of snowmen if that was what it took to make her happy. Being parted from Anna was killing Elsa but what recourse did she have? The last thing in the world she wanted to do was to hurt her sister again so it was for the best that she just stay away, sacrifice her heart, her happiness so that Anna would be able to be free from danger. Her father was absolutely right on that account. She wanted Anna to grow up, be happy, find love, and live life all safe from her dangerous sister, a sister who had hurt her terribly once. Wiping the few tears from her face, Elsa turned towards the window where she could distantly hear the sounds of laughter.
She looked outside at the gardens and there, playing with some of the ducks was her sister, grinning, chuckling as she rubbed a duckling against her face. Elsa began to smile at that. Anna was happy. She was living her life and wasn't trapped in a room like she was. Despite everything, her little sister seemed to be doing everything Elsa wanted for her. Pride filled her, pride that she had done the right thing, locking herself away. Looking at the sister that she loved filled her with warmth and even the air felt less chilled than before. Thoughts of her sister or even just watching her always made this happen and Elsa had no idea why. Her emotions were not fully in her control and yet, her power seemed to be in control. She didn't give it anymore thought as understanding always eluded her. Right now she just wanted to be happy as she watched her sister play.
That emotional high lasted most of that day until the evening. Elsa had finished getting ready for bed, her long near white hair flowing free and she was brushing it, gloves sitting on the table. The day had been a good one. Her ice powers hadn't been a problem for quite a while, her sister was happy, and all was right with the world. It couldn't last.
Her hand paused mid stroke when she heard the first knock. It was a familiar sound so her eyes went wide. She had hoped that Anna would finally get past this since she was happy. The warmth in the room fled as the knocks continued in the same rhythm her sister always used.
In a plaintive voice, Anna asked, "Do you want to build a snowman?"
Elsa's mouth went dry and she could feel herself pale in trepidation. She curled her hands into fists, attempting to control herself, to keep herself focused on not crying out yes at the tops of her lungs. Everything in her was trying to push those words out and she clenched her mouth shut. Her vision of the door began to waver.
"It doesn't have to be a snowman."
Despite everything she tried to do she got to her feet and walked to the door on silent feet. Unable to restrain herself, she reached out and rest her palm on the door about where her sister's head would be as she tried to listen for her. The wood was cool to the touch and Elsa's heart ached as she wished she could clutch her sister to her. Frost slowly spread. If only her powers didn't exist she would be there, right now, playing with her sister not trapped in this exile, made all the worse by her being around what she so desperately wanted.
"Okay, bye."
The depression in those words tore into Elsa, all the worse for the hope she had felt earlier. She threw herself onto her bed, clutching the pillow in her arms, wishing it was Anna there tight in her arms. Burning tears slid down her face as silent sobs wracked her body. Iced formed over everything making the pain worse and oh so visible. She couldn't do this, couldn't stay away from Anna but she had no choice. She loved her sister too much to risk her safety for something as paltry as her own happiness. No, she would stay in here, in exile, for love. It was a cost she was willing to pay.