'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
With a wistful sigh of things to come, Jimmy closed his bedroom door behind him and began to prepare for the last sleep before Christmas. It would be brief, dull and, from his point of view, an utter waste of time; it would always be with great reluctance that he changed into his sleeping attire on Christmas Eve. After having spent the entire afternoon adding to the already excessive amount of decorations in the living room, he thought it was a shame to just leave it there not to be observed. A display of that magnificent splendor was not to go to waste in an empty room.
He had briefly entertained the idea of staying in the living room, falling asleep comfortably in the enormous armchair while a roaring fire slowly ebbed out over the course of the night. It would be such an amazing and heartwarming experience to wake up in the middle of the winter wonderland that rested snugly downstairs. That's not to say his own room wasn't decorated beyond recognition, as it had been for weeks now, but the living room was a whole other ballgame.
Alas though, he couldn't bring himself to it in the end. He didn't dare to lest he disturb Santa Claus in his work once he came around or, even worse, scare him off should he think Jimmy was a greedy little kid waiting up to ask for more than he was to receive. He shuddered at the very thought. A reoccurring nightmare he had been having was that his name had been mixed up with that of local moneygrabber Eddy McGee on Santa's naughty-or-nice list.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.
He fastened the last button on his pajama shirt and leaped into bed excitedly. If he had to describe the tumultuous emotions wreaking all sorts of joyful havoc within his system, he would liken them to drinking too much caffeine; walls would be climbed, feet would be tapped and the suggestion of calming down would be met with a ferocious howl that he had never been calmer in his entire life.
The covers were wrapped snugly around his body and he hugged himself happily to get some form of outlet for his joy. Not only was tomorrow Christmas Day but it would also be the day his parents would be returning home. Their annual vacation to the Bahamas had always been something of a thorn in Jimmy's side, as Christmas was a time for family, but it wasn't completely without some positive aspects. It gave him the freedom to manically decorate the house to match his personal love for the holiday, an activity his parents had never shared the same passion for, it made it possible to have as many late-night talks and sleepovers with Sarah as they could fit in and it also made him appreciate the time the family spent together Christmas Day a lot more; not to mention the fact that he loved to see his father's speechless reaction to the state of the house when stepping through the front door. Last year, his mouth had been hanging open wide enough to fit an apple; this year, Jimmy was going for the grapefruit.
It was with this anticipation buzzing in his head that Jimmy forced his twinkling eyes shut, trying to will himself to sleep to make the morning come even faster. Soon, the familiar sense of drowsiness came over him and the festive visions in his head grew even wilder; Rolf leading his farmyard animals in a Christmas themed conga, Jonny playing 'Carol of the Bells' on seven pairs of spoons while Nazz yodeled along and Sarah preparing herself to climb a Christmas tree reaching to the clouds to place the star at the top. A smile played over his lips and he buried his face deeper into the pillow, feeling the comfort of friends and family wash over him in the face of this sacred time of the year.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
A deafening crash tore through the peaceful silence and the whole house shook violently, sending the cream-skinned boy flying out of his snugly wrapped blankets and across the room. Sitting up with the surprised stare and usual bewilderment one finds in a newly awakened person, Jimmy blinked twice and looked around the room. Apart from the fact that his bed had jumped up into the air and landed upside-down, nothing seemed too out of order to have caused such a ridiculously loud noise.
What sounded like an array of voices trying, and failing miserably, to keep quiet arose from outside his window. Not only that, but judging from the light that seeped through the blinds, it had suddenly become midday in July. Jimmy sighed and rolled his eyes; he had a vague feeling what could be causing the racket outside.
His older brother Cameron was essentially a five years older, five gallon fancier version of himself, who had been insistent that he be sent to boarding school as his "intellect simply could not flourish in a brutish environment such as the one that Peach Creek's educational system is built on". Jimmy had a theory that this argument was what finally sold the idea to their parents; not to support Cameron's flourishing intellect but to rid themselves of such ridiculously melodramatic statements.
What Cameron had always loved though was to prank his younger brother. Whoopee cushions, saran wrapped toilet seats, pressure triggered firecrackers in lunchboxes; you name it. Christmas had always been his favorite time to do so though, escalating from simply kicking the door in first thing Christmas Day and throwing a snowball in the young boy's face to handing out pressure triggered firecrackers disguised as presents. Cameron was always very big on firecrackers. Considering this, Jimmy approached the window from the side with caution; a blown out window would in his brother's eyes be worth the cost if he got bragging rights about 'getting' Jimmy yet another year.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
Now, Jimmy had always loved the snow. It was a natural plaything to be valued and cherished for a brief period of time during the year, it added certain panache to the otherwise drab and gray suburbia where he lived and it could never truly get dark outside if there was a fluffy blanket of white to illuminate the darkest of corners. In this particular moment however, every inch of snow acted like an enormous reflector for the two rows of bright lights on his lawn shooting up into the sky and thus annoyed him in newfound ways.
What truly caught his attention though was the scene of absolute wreckage ten feet to the right of the lights. Something wooden appeared to have crashed and buried itself into the ground, or at least the parts that weren't scattered across the backyard in a splintery nightmare that would have Jonny running for the hills. The snow burning around it and the eight confused chickens strapped together in reins standing calmly next to the impact site didn't exactly alleviate the absurdity of the situation, nor did the two figures having a heated argument in front of a third.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
Jimmy pressed his nose against the glass and squinted, trying to make out the figures where the stood shaded in front of the fire. One was definitely shorter than the other two and he (she?) gestured wildly to one of the taller ones who seemed to have a ridiculously long hat on that easily ran down the length of its back, the fluffy ball on the end swinging wildly as the figure gestured in an equally manic manner. The third one, who looked to be as wide as the other two combined, stood still in the middle and Jimmy couldn't quite see if he was facing the companions or the wreckage. The sudden increase in the argument's volume did tell him that the two bickering were indeed male and, by the sound of it, quite peeved with each other.
"- and I would hardly call ten feet in the wrong direction course correction!"
"You know damn well nothing pisses me off more than when you rhyme!"
"Not my intention but even if it had been the case, I apologize deeply if at least one of us is trying to have some Christmas cheer here!"
"You want cheerful?! You want cheerful?!" The shorter of the two threw his hands up to his mouth and bellowed loudly. "FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, GO FU-"
"ONE NIGHT, WE DO THIS FOR ONE NIGHT OF THE YEAR!"
"AND WE'VE ALREADY MESSED IT UP! LOOK, DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE'RE ON THE FREAKING ROOF? HUH?!"
"NO, I'M VERY WELL AWARE WE AREN'T ON THE DAMN ROOF!"
"OH, BUT IT'S OKAY IF YOU SWEAR?!"
"WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN!"
The thought finally struck Jimmy that maybe he was about to be burgled. Common sense told him that if their intentions were to forcefully enter the house, they weren't very good at their jobs.
"HALF THE BLOCK MUST'VE CALLED THE COPS BY NOW!"
"THEN STOP SHOUTING!"
"YOU STOP SHOUTING!"
Definitely not very good at their jobs.
The one in the middle whistled loudly and the shouting match stopped as they instantly turned. The big guy must have been the one in charge.
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
Jimmy glanced at the telephone in his room, struggling much more over the dilemma than he usually would have. They could indeed be burglars but if so, why the crashed heap of wood? Why the lights? Most of all, why the chickens? Ignoring the warning bells going off in his head, he grabbed his robe and wrapped it tightly around himself before opening the window slowly as not to be detected.
The crisp air sent a chill down his spine as the cold winds blew life into the room. With determination, he pressed his ear against the small crack he had opened and tried his hardest to make out the conversation taking place on his lawn.
"- 's right; we do have a job to finish." Jimmy matched the voice to the one with the ridiculously long hat.
"Kid's sure to be up by now though." That was the shorter one, his voice laced with exhaustion and irritation.
"That's no excuse for not completing our assignment." Long Hat said.
"True." Short sighed. "It's your call, boss; do we go in and deliver now or do we circle around the block for a while?"
A brief silence occurred where they seemed to think and Jimmy began to wonder himself, mostly what their intentions were. Deliver what?
"Elton! John!" The voice that cried out was deep and warm, like sipping a glass of brandy in a large armchair that envelops your whole being in a comforting embrace while the roaring fire in front of you melts away your deepest worries. It was only after Jimmy had gotten over the overly long description of the voice that he realized the actual words it had said. "Admiral P.J. Fluffernutter!"
"Admiral P.J. Fluffernutter?" Jimmy giggled to himself, not too sure what else he could do in his state of confusion.
"Tom, Jones, Osmosis! Rudolf! Gravy!" The person, whose voice hugged Jimmy as tightly as a well fitting Christmas sweater knitted with yarn made of daydreams and the love of a small North European country, hollered softly. Jimmy wondered for a brief second if it was a code of some sort. Then he heard a cacophony of clucking, seemingly in response to the random string of names.
He was convinced now, this must have been Cameron's doing; robbers did not come equipped with a band of eight chickens, one of which was named Admiral P.J. Fluffernutter.
"Fly, my pretties!" Jimmy shifted his position to be able to look out the window and saw the third person, whom he had named Boss, hold his hands dramatically in the air. The chickens were nowhere to be seen.
'Do chickens even fly? Have Rolf's chickens ever flown?' Were those Rolf's chickens he had seen? But… Would they even have reacted if they had been called something as catchy as Admiral P.J. Fluffernutter? The questions flocked in Jimmy's mind as he went back to listening intensely.
"Why did I ever let the two of you name them…?" It was then Jimmy realized that he recognized the tone of slight surrender in Long Hat's voice, he knew he had heard it somewhere before.
"… He quotes the Wicked Witch of the West and you're asking that?" Short asked. Also something familiar about it.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
"Very well." Long Hat paused. Jimmy was thankful they weren't particularly discreet with the volume of their voices; this was shaping up to be both amusing and interesting. "Now, how do we get up there?"
"Better yet, what're we gonna do about… This mess?" The fair skinned boy didn't even have to look to know Short was referencing the crash site.
"Well, we need the- Heavens, whatever do you think you're-" Long Hat's upset question was interrupted by his sudden surprised yelp and when Jimmy looked down, he too was gone.
"Hey, that looked like fun; do me!" Short said excitedly and Jimmy barely had time to blink before Boss had grabbed him and tossed him straight up into the air where he disappeared out of sight with an excited "Geronimo!".
Jimmy contemplated his own position in all this in detail. They must have been friends of his brother about to play a prank on him, no question about that. His lips stretched into a devious smile; they didn't know that he knew. He could easily return fire with fire if such was the case. This would be the year where he showed Cameron he wasn't some hapless pushover.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
The house shook wildly and Jimmy found himself thrown back into a bed turned right way up again as yet another crash was heard, louder and closer this time.
"They're on the roof." He whispered to himself when the events clicked into place. The blanket flew high into the air as he sprinted out of bed, moving with a newly found urgency. If they were on the roof, it must have meant that they planned on going down the chimney. He had to give them an A for effort; they seemed to be going for definite Christmas authenticity.
He quickly searched all of his cabinets and drawers, clearing out every secret storage he had for things that a 'wholesome little boy staying out of trouble' shouldn't ever be caught with, and stuffed it into his school bag; firecrackers, whoopee cushions, glue and feathers, tacks, nails, marbles, a big assortment of joke articles and a blowtorch he kept around for lighting candles when he felt particularly in the mood for a nice bit of symbolism about his own person. Swinging the bag over his shoulder, he grinned wildly in excitement. If they wanted a prank war, he was gonna Kevin McAllister the shit out of them.
Without noise, he snuck out the door and tip toed down the stairs. There wasn't much time to prepare anything elaborate so he would have to make due best he could. Maybe the stink bombs in his right pocket? No, only for absolute emergency; he was after all still gonna have to spend Christmas in the house and he would certainly be preferring the smell of gingerbread in the morning. It would have to be swift and brutal, a merciless frontal assault; completely overwhelm them with everything he had as they came down the chimney.
Leaning into the doorway to the living room with his heartbeat drumming loudly in his ears, he took a second to consider the surroundings. There were decorations to take into account; he wouldn't want to undo all of his hard work for this. A firecracker in the coal bucket next to the door would do well to start with… Then he could unleash the marbles on the floor while they were still in full alarm and once they were down and out on the floor finish off with the glue and feathers all over them. Nothing eloquent, certainly no elegance or finesse in it, but he could at the very least say that he pranked the pranksters in the end and that would surely be more than enough.
Soot rained down into the desolate fireplace. He smiled slyly to himself and savored the adrenaline pumping fiercely through him. There was no denying that he had missed the rush of a good comeuppance, if not most of all looking forward to the best Christmas gift of all when he could rub this in Cameron's face. His grip tightened around the firecracker and his thumb moved into position on the lighter when, with surprisingly little sound considering the racket they had made outside, a figure landed in the fireplace. A quick look over made Jimmy conclude that this must be Boss and he decided to contain himself for a moment to see if Short and Long Hat would be joining him. This offered him a second and more detailed look as the figure stepped out into the light, gazing patiently at the spot he had landed on.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Jimmy stood by the A for authenticity; the white trimmed red robes and the hat over his white hair, though all considerably dirtied by the journey down the chimney, looked like they had been made with more care than the mass produced Santa suits you would usually pick up in a corner shop.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
The young boy flinched when a giant sack made of brown fabric and embroidered with reindeers landed with a soft thump. Boss picked it up with a steady hand and smiled.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
He must have loved the scenario; break into his friend's childhood home dressed as Santa Claus and prank said friend's little brother. The twinkling eyes shone through the half-moon spectacles that rested on his stubby nose and his warm smile shone through the enormous white beard on his face. The glove covered hands thumbed the sack fondly, perhaps even a bit impatiently.
'This sadistic bastard's getting the most glue…' Jimmy thought, scowling to himself. He'd wipe that orange tint off Boss' face if it was the last thing he did.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He had to give it to Boss for keeping his cool in many ways Jimmy didn't when another figure slammed face first into the ashes of the fireplace, stirring up a huge cloud of burnt out log remnants. A pained whimper escaped him and Boss couldn't help but laugh whole heartedly in response, a warm, comforting sound that melted far away glaciers and purpled up the prose of especially undescriptive writers in their hunt for a poem about their significant others that could just barely be classified as a gift for the seasons. His robes flailed about helplessly as they tried to gain any traction on the humorous ocean that was the man's jiggling stomach which one could surely have likened to a plate full of jam if one liked confectionary parables.
"You know, I was planning on landing on that." Short stood up slowly, soot and ashes falling from him like grey snowflakes, and shot the Boss a particularly dirty look, hissing through his teeth as he voiced his displeasure.
"And crush the toys?" Long Hat descended into view, upright and with a lot less speed than Short had, and pressed a button on a strange looking harness when he landed; Jimmy barely had time to take note of the wheels that extended from it before they had retracted.
"Somebody wouldn't make me a damn harness!" Short spat out in a barely controlled whisper. It was then Jimmy saw that Short and Long Hat, though separate in build, were dressed exactly the same; green jackets adorned with gold buttons, short green pants that barely covered their thighs and hats similar to the Boss' but in green and red pushed down just over a pair of… Pointed ears? Were they supposed to be elves?
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
Then it clicked. The three of them standing together dressed like that covered in chimney soot with a crashed heap of wood and eight chickens on the roof.
Jimmy laughed.
He laughed as their heads whipped around and their eyes went wide in horror. He laughed as the two elves cursed between themselves. He laughed as Santa winked merrily at him, seemingly undeterred by the reaction they were getting, and grabbed a hold of the bag with both hands.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
Jimmy laughed even harder when Santa emptied out the sack with a swift move, neatly wrapped presents spilling out and placing themselves underneath the Christmas tree in equally neat little piles. He dropped firecracker, lighter and bag in convulsions as the man in red emptied his pockets and placed trinkets and grapefruits in the stockings. Tears started to form in his eyes as Santa stepped into the fireplace again and he was openly weeping with happiness when the man finally grabbed a firm hold of his nose with a goofy smile and flew up the chimney in the blink of an eye.
"HEY, SOME OF US CAN'T DO THAT, YOU KNOW!" Short hollered up the chimney in annoyance after him and pounded a fist against the hard stone.
"Come; I believe I saw a ladder outside." Long Hat sighed heavily and walked out, picking up and folding the empty bag. Short followed, grumbling to himself, and the two passed Jimmy's laughing form without even giving him a look. The door opened and closed, the only evidence of anyone having been there being the ashy outline of a pair of slippers with a swirly bit at the toes trailing over the floors.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Jimmy barely made it upstairs, finding upright to be a difficult position to maintain when one is giggling uncontrollably, and threw himself against the windowsill in his room once he finally reached it. The wide grin on his face seeing the trashed and flaming remains of a sleigh fly away with flapping wings constructed by screen doors and guided by eight clucking chickens remained all throughout Christmas Day, even after Cameron had awoken him with a snowball to the face. His brother had only stared at him in confusion and then hurt pride when Cameron had barely made out that "it hadn't even been the best effort the house had seen that day" in between the fits of laughter. Comeuppance be damned, Jimmy had gotten something so much better.
As the clucking menagerie pulled away into the night's backdrop of stars and a bright full moon three figures could be seen leaning back into the depths of what had once been a couch in relief.
"That could've gone better."
"We delivered, the sleigh's still flying, it's Christmas; what more could you want?"
"I-"
"Lumpy, don't speak; that voice is seriously freaking me out."
"Are you really sure you're not contagious, Ed?"
"I'm sure."
"Still, let's get you back into bed though. 'Twas truly a quite a noble thing to agree to do when one is in your state of health."
"The hell does 'twas mean?"
"No. We're not doing that this year."
"Thank Christ for that, wasn't funny or original in the first place... Speaking of unfunny shit, your mom's gonna flip about the couch, Lumpy."
"Sarah did give us her blessing to use it though so perchance we will avoid the blame for that."
"You really gonna believe Sarah about something like that though, Sockhead?"
"One can hope, Eddy; Christmas is a time for miracles after all."
"That's true; she did pay upfront."
"Even without the prospect of profit, I must admit it's quite a nice thing we've just done; not to mention how beautiful a night it is for flying."
"Fuck, we gotta turn back!"
"Eddy, in this vehicle's current condition, I believe our next landing will be even more uncontrollable than the last one and even though-"
"No, no; shut your Shepherd's Piehole, Sockhead! I forgot to grab the cookies Jimmy put out for us!"
"For Santa, Eddy."
"Is there even a difference between him and us tonight?"
"Perhaps not, my friends. Perhaps not."
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
"Seriously, Lumpy, we gotta get you to bed; you sound like absolute horseshit. Heh, get it, Sockhead? 'Hoarse' shit?"
"Yes, God bless us everyone for your sense of humor, Eddy."