~How to piss off random Katekyo Hitman Reborn! characters by Daitsuke-kun~
#1.
"How to piss off Squalo Superbia"
Varia HQ. A room with big windows and soft armchairs. Several pictures of something here and there. A Vongola symbol carved into the bricks of an unlit fireplace. And someone whose gender is too hard to distinguish at first sitting on the floor playing PSP.
- Damn Metal Gear Solid… I can't beat the stupid boss… - the person on the floor mumbles in annoyance. By the tone of the voice it may be a girl… But the possibility of…It… Being a boy can't be excluded…
Suddenly the sound of the door opening can be heard and someone comes in.
- Oi, Daitsu? It's you in here… - Says someone in a familiar monotone voice.
The person on the carpet shuts the console down hurriedly.
- Hey, Fran. Is it already that time?
- Yes. Lussuria will be here shortly with the camera.
- Good – Evil laughter can be heard. – Let's get this started, then!
- Ohaio, minna! It's finally "this time" with Daitsuke Hibari, and by this time you all sure know what I mean! It means it's time for "How to piss of the "Katekyo Hitman Reborn!" characters! – The person that was earlier playing PSP was now sitting on the sofa, dressed only in a long black and red striped shirt that barely covered his knees and the sleeves were so long that the hands couldn't be seen either. The person wore red eyeglasses and had short red hair, and again… It's gender couldn't be properly distinguished. Well, let's settle for a "he" for now, shall we? So, he was smiling brightly and was probably in a good mood… Which actually was suspicious…
- Oi, Daitsu… What actually is Katekyo Hitman… Whatever?.. – asked Lussuria, while holding the camera and in the same time trying to fix his hair (Like there is something to fix, ishi-ishi-ishi… - Belphegor's note. Like there was a need to write who said that after the laughter…).
Daitsu sweatdropped, but immediately regained himself, smiling even more brightly.
- Never mind that, Lussuria, it's just words. I don't even know what I'm saying! So, today is the start of the ultimate show!.. – suddenly he frowned, slightly touching his sunglasses. – Hey, I think I told Fran to make a sign for the show…
That's when Fran ran in, carrying a huge sign with the words "How to piss off Katekyo Hitman Reborn! characters show! Hosted by Daitsuke Hibari." Faint letters suspiciously resembling something like "Haru Haru's dangerous interview" could be seen.
Daitsuke frowned once again, folding his arms on his chest. Fran put the sign on the wall with an indifferent face.
- Where did you get that? – Daitsu pointed at the sign.
- That weird boy gave me it…
- Weird boy?
- Yeah… His hair was so imperfect that if Bel-sempai saw him once he would've smothered himself… And I think his name was somewhat fishy…
Daitsuke yawned.
- Okay, never mind that… Let's just continue the show… Fran, would you please just go somewhere so you won't be getting in the camera's view?.. – the "friendly" host was getting easily irritated.
- Yosh, yosh… I'll just go find Bel-sempai or something… - Murmured Fran, closing the door and vanishing.
- Finally, we'll be starting the show! Soooo… Guess what!? Today's subject is… - the drums suddenly could be heard. – How to piss off Squalo Superbia!
The drums stopped dramatically at the highest point, and Daitsu smiled self-lovingly. Lussuria made a very "man-like" squeal (of excitement or horror… Who knows?..)
- Yes, you heard me right! Today we will show you how to piss Squalo Superbia, the first-class swordsman who beat 100 best sword masters of this era, who mastered the enormous amount of sword styles… - A smile was slowly leaving Daitsu's face. – You know, now I don't think it's a good idea to piss him anymore…
- What? Talk louder, I can't hear you! – yelled Lussuria from the corner.
- That's because you didn't put a microphone on my shirt! – said Daitsu. – Or did Xanxus again break all the microphone sets we had!? Yare yare, I swear this guy has some sort of a vendetta against microphones… - Daitsuke shook his head.
- No, there's one, here! – Lussuria threw a microphone and Daitsu clipped it to his striped shirt.
- Okay, one-two-three, one-two-three… I guess it's working well. Then, ohaio minna once again, sorry for this little technical delay… I hope you didn't film all that crap, did you?..
Lussuria sweatdropped.
- Well, actually… I did… But it's nothing that I can't fix! I mean we'll cut it later! – the cameraman shook his hands furiously in an apologetic gesture (as he thought).
- Don't do this, you'll break the camera! – yelled Daitsu. – Anyway… No more delays! Show must go on! Please welcome – the "stupid captain" of the Varia – Superbia Squalo!
The door nearly broke as someone (guess who?) opened it carelessly with his foot with all his might. Lussuria girlishly "ah!"-ed, changing the view immediately, and Daitsuke clapped his hands twice.
- VROOOOOI! What's all this going on here!? – the white-haired swordsman stepped (More like stormed – Fran's note. He was nearly knocked out, poor froggie…) inside the room, his trusty sword in his hands as usual.
- Hey, Squalo. Please take a seat. – Daitsuke smiled politely, but in quite a fake manner. It more reminded of a Barbie dolls mouth… Creepy…
Squalo fell on the sofa that was near Daitsu's chair, his long hair touching the floor.
- VROOOOOOI, I heard from that crap of a prince some show was going on here…
Immediately three knifes flew through the opened window in the direction of Squalo's head, but the swordsman merely blocked them with his weapon, yawning.
- That's right… Anyways, Squalo, first question – what pisses you off?
- The baseball brat of course. – Answered the best swordsman without even a thought.
- Why do you hate him?
- 'Cause he's a brat. – The short answer made Daitsu blink in confusion, fixing his glasses. Anyways, as his goal was to piss Squalo (which is, considering his temper, will soon be accomplished – Levi's note. I think he especially hates Squalo for some reason… Maybe because his beloved Xanxus made Squalo captain and not him?.. Who knows…) so he decided to pry.
- It's the only reason? – asked Daitsu. And was immediately nearly left deaf after the answer.
- VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI, being a brat in not enough for a reason!? I hate everyone 'cause everyone are brats!
- Xanxus too? – Daitsu was actually afraid to ask more quiestions as his ears were already ringing from Squalo's ultra loud voice… He swore he even heard windows shattering…
- He's the most obnoxious brat of all brats I hate him the most! – Squalo's answer made Daitsu sweatdrop, but for the sake of the show Daitsu decided to be brave… For once.
- Say, Squalo… Why is your hair so long and girly?..
There was an awful silence, until…
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA No! No! Please don't! Gomen! G-gomen, Squalo-san, please take your sword away from my neck I s-still have to run the s-show…
The scene can wound young minds, so we can't possibly let you see it. The way of Squalo's threatening can damage your psyche badly. Please stand by, don't run away or turn off your computers.
"Kangaroos are your best friends! Visit your local zoo and join a boxing club for more details! – The image of Ryohei hugging a kangaroo appears, and suddenly it changes to Rick Astley singing. Words "You've been Rick-rolled!» appear with a congratulation salute.
~ Now back to the show ~
Squalo is still lying on the sofa with a dark face, playing with his sword. Daitsu is sitting in the corner, hugging his knees and apparently?.. Crying?..
- VROOOOOOOOOOI, stop crying like a little girl! It's your fault for asking such questions! My hair isn't girly, it's just long because I won't cut it until someone beats me!
- B-but Yamamoto beat you when you were fighting over the Vongola rings so…
- VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROI! That brat didn't beat me!
- B-but…
- What's your next stupid question!? Ask it already and I'll go! I have job to do, brat!
Daitsu wipes his eyes and sniffes.
- Squalo… Is it true that you stole your image from Sephiroth?.. I mean you look so alike and your hair is practically identical and… You're both kinda villains…
- Who the hell is this Sephiroth guy!?
- H-here… - Daitsu climbed to his knees, opened Google on his nothebook, typed something and showed something (probably a picture) to Squalo.
"…"
- I'm totally pissed! Some stupid guy from some crappy game is stealing my looks!!! I'm gonna find him and cut him to pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- But Squalo… He's the game character… - Daitsu tried to say but was ignored, of course.
- I don't care! I'll still find this Sephi-what's-his-name and beat him even if he's from that crappy game…
- But Final Fantasy VII is actually a good game…
- I don't care! I'll still find him! Where is he!?
- I think Square Enix might know…
- VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI! Then let's go there! – Squalo grabbed Daitsu by the collar of his shirt and dragged him out.
- No… No! My… Show! Let go off me! H-help!! – Daitsuke tried to protest, but apparently to no avail. Squalo's grip was iron.
- Until next time then, please wait for the new episode of "How to piss off random Katekyo Hitman Reborn! cha… Ow, that hurts! Squalo, stop it! Let me g-go!
- VRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI! We'll find this piece of shit! I'll show him how to steal my looks!
- Actually I believe he looked like that long before you as Final Fantasy VII was out in 1996…
- VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI what was that!?
- Nothing, nothing…
~Two minutes after Daitsuke was dragged away by Squalo~
Fran: Bel-sempai, I think we have to say something…
Belphegor: Do we now, ish-ish-ish?
Fran: Yeah… I mean something happened to Daitsuke-sempai… I mean Squalo ran off somewhere and took him with him…
Belphegor: And why do I care? And I thought I was your only sempai here, froggie…
Fran: Well, I find Daitsuke very nice too…
Belphegor: That brat stole one of my favorite shirts! That's his punishment, ish-ish-ish…
Fran: I knew that shirt if his looked familiar…
Belphegor: To steal prince's clothes… How could he!?
Fran: Bel-sempai, well, it is true that you have 34 similar shirts in your wardrobe… You could share for once…
Belphegor: No way! I'm a prince! And princes do not share!
Fran: You're mean, sempai…
Belphegor: Ish-ish-ish, froggie, you better mind what you say to such a royalty like myself…
Fran: Whatever, sempai…
Belphegor: Ish-ish-ish…
Fran: Anyway, the show will go on when Daitsuke-sempai comes back.. If he comes back that is…
Belphegor: Don't call him sempai!
Fran: I'll call him what I want!
A pause.
Belphegor… Ish-ish-ish… Hey, froggie! Guess what?
Fran: What?
Belphegor: Knife! Ish-ish-ish… (several knifes to Fran's back as usual)
Fran: Sempai… You're hopeless…
Stay tuned until the next episode of "How to piss off random Katekyo Hitman Reborn! characters show hosted by Daitsuke Hibari! Who'll be pissed off next!? Who knows…
~Special features~
Sephiroth: Cloud, did you hear something? - elegantly blocking his opponents attack.
Cloud: Now that you say it... I think I did... Someone's... Yell?.. - Cloud stepped back a little, preparing for another hit again.
Squalo (breaking through the door): VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI!!!!!!!!!!!! Where's this pathetic trash that tries to look like me!? I'm going to kill you!
Cloud (in horror after noticing Squalo): No... Don't tell me that it's one of your insane clones again! Wasn't Kadaj enough!?
Sephiroth: I don't have any idea who he is... For real now.
Daitsuke (looking pretty bruised climbing into the room): Squalo... Wait... I'm sorry guys... (looking at Cloud and Sephiroth). Anyways... I have to say... That Katekyo Hitman Reborn does not in any way belong to me... Nor does Final Fantasy VII...
Sqalo: VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI, what are you talking about!???? Get out of the way brat, I'm going to kill this Sephi-whatever!
Sephiroth: Excuse me!?
Squalo: I'm not going to excuse you, scum! Now die, you imposter!
With these words Squalo attacks Sephiroth with full force...
Daitsuke: I hope they won't kill each other...
Cloud: I really hope they'll kill each other...
Daitsuke: Cloud! You're supposed to be the good guy and have only nice thoughts!
Cloud: I can't help it, I guess I shouldn't have let Vincent stay at my place for too long...
Daitsuke: Anyways, kids... (pointing at fighting Squalo and Sephiroth) Don't ever try something like this at home... Unless your home has no furniture and soft walls...
Cloud: Only madhouses have such rooms...
Daitsuke: Whatever... (falling unconcios out of exaustion)
Cloud (sighting): I guess it's time to say goodbye... For now. I'll watch over the kids fight...
Sephiroth: Watch your mouth, I'm older than you!
Squalo: VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI who's the kid here!?
Cloud (facepalming himself): I swear your brothers...
~Cast~
KHR cast:
Acting: Squalo Superbia, Lussuria, Fran, Belphegor
Mentioned: Leviathan, Sawada Tsunayoshi
Final Fantasy VII
Cloud Strife
Sephiroth
And the author and the active host of the "How to piss off random KHR! characters" - Daitsuke Hibari aka Daitsuke-kun.
In the next episode:
You'll now how to piss off Hibari Kyoya, discover why Daitsuke's surname is Hibari and how is he related to the strict Leader of the Disciplinary Commitee...