The Joker hated Christmas,
The whole Christmas season.
Now please, don't ask why,
No one quite knows the reason.
It could have been that his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think, that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small…
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" JAAAAAAAAAYDE!"
The sound of her name being squealed from the doorway woke Jayde with a start, only seconds before a heavy, lanky body came crashing down just beside her and both bounced heavily from the recoil of Joker's Superman-style flying leap onto the bed. He was giggling excitedly through his nose in a way she had only heard him do when he was truly beside himself with eagerness but as Jayde groaned, burying her face into the toasty warm blankets, he huffed impatiently through his nose, almost like a young boy on Christmas morning.
"Come on, get up!" he exclaimed, throwing most of his strength into shaking Jayde's shoulder with much more force than was necessary. "You have to see what's outside!"
Another muffled groan of annoyance escaped Jayde into the thick comforter as she buried her face further into it, lazily allowing Joker to rock her back and forth vigorously.
"Noo…." She moaned. "It's probably just another dead homeless guy…I'm not interested." She then added, quickly thinking back to the week before when Joker had used this same tactic to wake her up after he had found a dead, partially frozen bum laying in the street on the Lincoln side of the house. He had been just as excited for that event so Jayde had to admit, she was a little skeptical. But as Joker growled impatiently yet again, she had to bury her face further into the pillow to hide the grin that had appeared there.
"No, it's not a dead guy, I swear!" he explained, the excitement in his voice causing it to sound higher and more clowny than usual, although a moment later, he paused, his tone dropping dramatically. "Although that was pretty cool, I don't know why you didn't think-…" his voice trailed off midway through his recollection of the incident from the prior week as though just remembering that he was trying to get her up. "Look, it's really cool, just…get up and come outside. I promise it's worth it…"
And with that, he bounced away, back off of the bed, before he left the room, the tails of his long black coat trailing behind him as he disappeared, leaving Jayde to stare after him. A heavy sigh escaped through her nose as she sat up and pushed the blankets off of her with a roll of her sleepy eyes…This had better be really awesome…
Minutes later, Jayde was opening the front door, staring blankly out at the giant snow bank that had built itself in the front yard overnight, carpeting the normally dead, brown grass in a foot high blanket of fluffy white powder. Clutching her coat to her chest, she took one step outside, shivering as the frigid, frozen concrete patio floor stung her socked feet.
"Is this what's supposed to be so amazing?" she called to the seemingly empty front yard, her eyes scanning the bank of snow and powdery street corner beyond it. "I have seen snow before…" she then added, taking another two steps out past the porch and onto the cracked pathway. When no answer came, her eyebrows furrowed across her forehead. "…Joker?"
Then suddenly, without warning, a loud cackle of maniacal laughter cracked the thin air and before Jayde could move or duck out of the way, a giant, frozen ball of icy snow collided with the side of her face, exploding upon impact in a puff of powdery slush. Jayde screamed, turning her back to where Joker had just jumped up out of the bank of snow, from behind his crude, hastily assembled bunker.
"OW!" she yelled, reaching up to brush the snow and ice from her shoulders and hair. "Seriously? That's what you got me up for?" With her back still turned, Jayde could vaguely hear the sound of Joker's clowny laughter, accompanied now by the trudging sound of him approaching clumsily through the thigh-high bank of snow toward her.
"No, no…Sorry, baby, I got you up to give you this…" he said a few moments later, his voice now at its normal level and volume, the way it usually was when he was trying to be serious or attempting to be romantic. His surprisingly gentle hand rested on her shoulder from behind, so Jayde turned slowly, grinning, foolishly thinking he had used the previous snowball as a clever and unknowingly romantic way to give her some sort of gift. But as she turned her head to look up at him, his heavy, gloved hand came down on the top of her head, smashing another ball of freezing, partially melted snow into her hair. A loud war-like scream erupted from Jayde as he let out a crazed squeal of laughter and as he turned to run, she swung out to hit him but missed, nearly knocking herself off balance.
Evil, manic laughter rang out as Joker bounded back out into the bank of snow but this time, Jayde followed, stumbling and tripping her way after him through the field of powder that nearly reached her hips. And as Joker approached his snowball bunker, he glanced back over his shoulder to gauge how far behind she had fallen but staggered on a particularly strong drift of snow and fell backward, laughing as Jayde fell after him, landing heavily on his chest as they both sank into the soft, cottony powder. Joker reached above him for a quick handful of snow, but Jayde was a bit quicker and hastily used her bare hands to shovel as much of the snow into his face as she could. By now, her squeals had morphed into laughter and as Joker blindly flung handfuls of snow into the air, clearly hoping one would hit her, she sat up, pinning him into the bank with her red, wet hands on his shoulders.
Below her, Joker was shaking his head roughly, sputtering as he tried to blink snow out of his eyes, and Jayde watched from above, grinning victoriously as he finally managed to look up at her breathlessly. He sighed with a silly, playful grin, the ends of his green hair strewn out and contrasting starkly against the white all around them.
"Really nice of you to get me out of the warm bed for this," she told him sarcastically, frowning down at him as he laughed, nodding triumphantly.
"I'm a nice guy, what can I say?" he asked, grinning as Jayde rolled her eyes.
"No, you're not." She answered flatly, shaking her head and Joker copied her a second later, his animated grin falling dramatically into a frown.
"No, I'm not." He repeated.
All giggles and laughter aside, Jayde could not help but smile down at him as he stared up at her, his amber brown eyes more vivid than usual in the gray overcast light from overhead and the white backdrop he was laying against. It seemed, like usual, he was hoping she would kiss him but did not know how to ask for it, but instead of waiting for her to read his mind and lean down, he let out a rough laugh from between his teeth, reaching up with both hands to grab her upper arms and tug her down to him, catching both of her lips with his cold, wet ones. Jayde struggled hard not to giggle against his mouth, but merely return the affection, mildly surprised that he had taken such aggressive action to show her what he wanted. It seemed that purely time had made him more comfortable and open with her, to the point where he seemed to no longer care what she or anyone else thought.
This was truly neither the time nor place where a passionate, open-mouthed kiss would have been appropriate, seeing how both of them had started to shiver slightly but as Jayde opened her mouth just barely, to let Joker's tongue lightly trace the contour of her lip, she had to force herself not to grin further when her hand moved slowly from his shoulder to the bank of snow beyond his head. Fortunately, Joker seemed completely distracted so after Jayde had balled up a wad of powdery snow in her hand, she pulled back quickly, only to smash the slush down on his face. The ball exploded against his cheek as Jayde sat up, giggling as Joker groaned, his eyes squeezed shut.
"You…" he paused to use his tongue to spray some of the icy particles from his mouth. "-are so going to pay for that…" he then finished in a growl, twitching momentarily as the cold really started to settle in. Again, Jayde giggled, clamping her arms over her chest as she shivered.
"Ok, but can we go inside now? I'm freezing." She stated, poking out her bottom lip. Joker nodded hastily, sitting up as she moved.
"Yeah, me too."
After trudging their way through the snow toward the front of the house and after Joker had paused to shove Jayde backwards back into the high bank, both shivered and sniffled as they stepped quickly out of their wet clothes and into sets of warm, dry jeans and long sleeved shirts. With their wet clothing clumped together into a pile in her arms to be taken to the dryer, Jayde paused at the doorway to the bedroom, frowning slightly as she turned to watch as Joker applied his favorite leather-strapped wristwatch, something he only wore if he was planning to leave the house. She turned to face him, cocking her head to the side slightly in confusion.
"Are you leaving?" she asked, hoping painfully hard that he was about to shake his head. However, when he looked up from his wrist with his eyebrows raised, she sighed, her hopeful expression drooping. "Oh yeah…You told me last night…Do you really have to?" she asked in a murmur, putting on a playful, rather childish pout as she dropped the pile of clothes at the door with a disappointed huff. Her arms folded again over her middle, her shoulder colliding gently with the frame of the door as he nodded enthusiastically.
"Yes, I am," he answered, taking a step toward her, his shoulders hunched slightly. "Yes, I did…he went on, answering each of her statements individually as he grew closer. "And yes…I do." He finally concluded, his hands circling her waist as he finally reached her, rising to his full height to tower over her and pull her upright from leaned sideways against the door. Jayde's arms and frown remained firmly in their places, causing Joker's smirk to fall dramatically into a falsely remorseful pout.
"Jeez, Jayde, I'm sorry…" he growled, inching his feet further apart to lower himself and be more at her level, rocking his hips back and forth slowly, rocking her along with him. "But seeing how I just gave you nearly two grand to buy…whatever, I gotta go out and make it all back, see?" he asked, bouncing his eyebrows as he brought up one hand to wiggle his fingers demonstratively. For several seconds, Jayde stared blankly up at his animated face, her eyes bouncing back and forth between his brown ones before she sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Fine…" she eventually groaned, allowing him to pull her forward so she could wrap her arms around his broad shoulders. "I was gonna go out today anyways…"
Abruptly, Joker pulled back from their hug, a new and confused frown wrinkling his forehead and tugging downward on the scarred corners of his mouth. Jayde had to try really hard not to grin; of all of his expressions, this was her favorite.
"To where, might I ask?" he asked, although his tone of voice suggested that he was not attempting to be the slightest bit polite with his question. Jayde giggled, glancing down to watch her hands travel along the soft material of his thermal shirt over his strong upper arms.
"Shopping," she answered with a half-shrug, her voice light and innocent. "Gotta go spend your money if you're just gonna go make some more." And with that, she rose up onto her very tip toes, leaving him with one light peck on the lips before she hopped away to the bathroom, shooting a quick grin over her shoulder in his direction, only to find him smirking after her.
Twenty minutes later, after assuring Jayde that he would be home before three that afternoon, Joker grinned to himself as he backed out of the driveway, wondering how it had suddenly become alright with him to spoil his girl rotten. A few days prior, she had put to words very delicately and cautiously that she would like to get some new clothes and makeup, insisting that she had been using the same stick of eyeliner for over a year now. Joker believed her, seeing how he had only just been laughing at her tiny, three inch long eyeliner pencil a few days before that. He had even gone so far as to jokingly suggest that she could borrow some of his black greasepaint if she really needed it. Jayde had not found this offer amusing.
So Joker had gone about pulling seventeen hundred dollars from his admittedly plentiful stash of money and given it to her, on the sole condition that she buy at least one article of clothing that would…please him. Now, as he pulled the Corvette from the driveway and onto Lincoln avenue, he smirked to himself, privately admitting that he was already somewhat excited to get home and see what she bought.
Fifteen minutes later, as the rumbling Corvette pulled onto Himes, the main, central street of downtown Chicago, Joker felt the hair on the back of his neck and all along his arms start to prickle and his back teeth ground together hard enough to crack as his eyes scanned the festively decorated street before him, all decked to the nines in red and green banners and lights…He had almost successfully forgotten that it was indeed the twenty-third of December…
Not a street corner nor store front had been overlooked in the seasonal adornments and every single one bore a different string of lights, a differently sized and decorated Christmas tree or painfully obnoxious sign reading 'MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!'. It seemed every car in front of him had slowed down to take in the sights and sounds of the joyful, festive city, leaving Joker to lay on the horn of the Corvette, growling irritably as people waved in his direction, clearly thinking he had been expressing his appreciation for the holiday.
"Fuck you," he growled to no one but himself, nodding his head in the direction of one the people now pointing up at the giant, obnoxiously ostentatious Christmas tree in the center of the city. "Fuck you and fuck you too, and fuck you and you and you and-…" His voice trailed off into a heavy, annoyed sigh; there were just too many people out walking around to continue and make himself feel slightly better about being surrounded by so much…joy.
For the remainder of the afternoon, no matter where Joker went, he could hear the painfully cheery music from the city, floating to him and grating his ears like a band of nails on a chalkboard. As long as he could remember, he had hated Christmas, and really the entire month of December as a whole. New Years had never really been a problem as that was always the day he counted himself one year older, but of course, now that Jayde had selected a day for him to view as his birthday, New Years Eve was just another annoying day where people pretended to be happy and actively decided to put up with their family and friends as though they were really enjoying themselves. At the house on the corner of Lincoln and Platt, Tre had always been the one to maybe hang one or two Christmas type decorations up in the house, seeing how it had been a few days before Christmas when his mother had died but he had always been happy to suffer through Joker's constant mocking and 'bah humbug' style attitude. Despite how badly he still missed his best friend, Joker was supremely glad that Jayde had chosen to ignore the Christmas season along with him…just another one of the reasons he liked her so much.
Finally, at around two-thirty that afternoon, with all business and affairs taken care of, Joker breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled the Corvette back into the driveway at the corner of Lincoln and Platt, smirking to himself as he spotted the back of the Escalade, already pulled into the garage and turned off. The giant SUV was silent and as Joker walked past it to the wooden door, he pressed his hand against the hood. It was cool to the touch, informing him that Jayde had already been home for more than an hour and as Joker pushed his key into the lock on the door, his smirk twitched upward into a full-blown grin. Finally, he was away from all that obnoxious Christmas bullshit.
But as the squeaky door swung open into the house, that grin slid quickly and immediately from his face as loud, cheery music met his ears like some horrible déjà vu moment, and the painfully familiar tune of 'Jingle Bell Rock' raised chills of annoyance all along his arms beneath his warm shirt and coat. Stepping further into the house, Joker's jaw went slack as his eyes traveled all along the drop ceiling beyond the kitchen, where someone had decided to hang a lighted string of green garland, twisted with obnoxiously bright, gold and silver tinsel. Ball ornaments had been hung intermittently along the strand and Joker had just noticed a light up, plastic figure of a short fat man in a red suit in the corner when Jayde came bouncing around the corner, with several pieces of tape stuck to the arm of her black sweater.
"Hi!" she squealed over the loud music with a toss of her arms but Joker was already shaking his head, his eyes closed.
"NO." he stated loudly. "NOOOO, we are not doing this. No way." The excited smile fell from Jayde's face with record timing.
"What?" she asked, glancing up at her previously hung decorations with a new, confused frown. "Why not?" she then asked further, turning to follow Joker as he walked past the kitchen and into the living room, still shaking his head adamantly, side-stepping a roll of wrapping paper on the floor. He stopped a few feet from the couch, staring open mouthed at the blinking and flashing string of Christmas lights she had already hung in the window. When he did not answer, she stepped beside him, placing her hands on her hips to scowl up at him. "It's Christmas! We have to have a few-.." she went to explain but Joker finally spoke up, turning from the window to glare down at her.
"No, we don't." he stated, shaking his head again as he walked away from the living room, over into the hallway as though trying to find the one area of the house Jayde had not yet thought to decorate. She followed him, her scowl deepening as she watched him pout sourly at her holiday spirit.
"You don't like Christmas?" she asked, her tone indicating that she had never met someone with a dislike so heinous and unappealing. By now, Joker had folded his arms over his chest obstinately, his eyes still taking in and loathing every single red and green thing she had brought into the house as though they had done him some great personal injustice.
"Correction- I hate Christmas," he answered, finally pulling his eyes from another strand of lit garland she had draped around the flat screen tv against the wall. "It's stupid and…annoying and-…"
At this, Jayde cut in, shaking her head with her eyes closed as though she truly could not understand what he was saying. "How does someone hate Christmas? It's the best time of the year!" she exclaimed, tossing her hands in desperation as Joker walked past her again, practically flinching as he passed a bundle of fake, plastic mistletoe on the bookshelf against the wall in the living room.
"Yeah, a commercially-based season centered around worshipping a mythical figure…" he growled, shooting a reproachful glare over at the plastic Santa Claus in the corner. "You're right! How could someone like me hate Christmas?" he then went on to ask sarcastically, glancing back at Jayde with a bounce of his eyebrows as he rounded the corner into the kitchen. Despite his worsening mood, something in the oven smelled fantastic but he refrained from asking what it was for fear that Jayde would tell him...
"Well, I made Christmas cookies, Mister Grinch, so I guess you don't get to have any." she told him scornfully as though this would change his outlook on the holiday, and walked over to place her hands on his back and push him away from the oven with her nose held high in the air. Joker allowed her to push him but paused once he reached the table, turning to face her and shake his head with a frustrated toss of his hand.
"Where did all this come from anyways? I was hoping you would just sort of miss the fact that it was…Christmas…" he growled, reluctantly finishing his sentence as though even speaking the name of the holiday itself brought him discomfort. Across from him at the stove, Jayde tisked loudly, bending down to glance into the oven and inspect the state of her cookies.
"What do you mean? I love Christmas!" she exclaimed. "It's the one holiday when I really go all out."
"You didn't last year…" Joker grumbled, plopping down into his usual chair at the carved table with a grunt. With a roll of her eyes, Jayde pulled out the tray of cookies, setting the hot metal onto the marble counter with a thud.
"You were in jail last year, remember?" she asked, glancing over at Joker with one of her eyebrows arched sharply. "I wasn't really in the mood to be all holly jolly…" Testily, she reached out, poking at one of the gingerbread-man shaped sugar cookies, grinning to herself as she shrugged. "This year, I am!"
Joker sighed, leaning forward to rest his face in his hands while Jayde busied herself with applying icing to one of the cookies that had already been out and cooled and after a few moments, he looked up as she approached, carrying a small plate.
"So you…" she started up again, placing the plate on the table before him with a dull thud. "-will just have to get over it." She then finished, walking away after she had paused momentarily to place a heavy kiss on the top of his green head. Joker glared after her, rolling his eyes as he turned back to the plate, but only to sigh with a reluctant smirk when he noticed the two black circles for eyes, the long, curved red smile and green curly, icing hair she had put on this particular cookie. A moment later, he cleared his throat, fixing his face back into an unamused frown as he pushed the plate away from him. It would be difficult, he might even have to forfeit some of his sexual privileges, but he would thoroughly spoil Christmas for Jayde, if it was the last thing he did…
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A/N: Well, you asked for it! This is the first part of the three part one-shot. The first two 'chapters' will be relatively short, with the third and final 'chapter' being the longest. Each chapter also has music that goes with it. For this one, the music is as follows:
Michael Buble'- Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow
Bobby Helms- Jingle Bell Rock
If you want the full playlist, you can find it on playlist . com, under How The Joker Stole Christmas, username The Queen of Mean. Hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday so far! Stay tuned for the next part on Christmas Eve and the final installment on Christmas Day! -QoM