Author's Note: There is no reason for this fic other than insomnia (and my obsession with writing, of course ;) lol). I hope that you like it anyways :).
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Through a Dead Man's Eyes
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It was the last day.
Somehow, I knew that it would be; there was something different that day, something in the air maybe, that told me I would never see them again. I must have brushed the feeling off a dozen times; after all, how could I have possibly known the future? But somehow, I had seen this coming.
Maybe it had been when I talked to Elizabeth this morning, or when I found out that Rodney "could not" come fishing with me. Or maybe it had been when I saw Teyla right after the explosion.
Yes, I think that that was it. I started to get a bad feeling after I talked to Rodney, but I did not know that it was going to be the last until I saw Teyla.
At the time I thought that it would be her last day; the explosion had left her burned and bruised and bloodied, a jagged piece of shrapnel sticking out of her side. When I had seen the damage I was not sure if I was going to be able to fix it; I knew that the inside had to look far worse than the outside.
By some miracle she had survived the explosion, and it seemed that by the same miracle, she survived the surgery as well. It was one of the most difficult jobs that I have ever done, cutting open a friend like that and performing such complex surgery, when one tiny wrong move could have killed her. But someone is watching over that girl, definitely, because she made it. As soon as I was done I had her moved downstairs to recovery, and started to see to the rest of my patients. But by then my bad feeling had grown much worse, and Rodney soon informed me why; as a result of some radiation that he had encountered the day before, there was a tumor growing in his chest that was going to explode.
I immediately had all the rest of my patients moved downstairs out of harms way, until it was only me and one of my colleagues left to work on him; I locked everyone else out, so that no one would get hurt if we failed. But I think that it was harder on my fellow doctor than it was on me; she seemed to know that something awful was going to happen in spite of our efforts, too. But at that point, we were expecting our patient to die.
To our amazement, we were able to successfully remove the tumor, and I finally unlocked the door to meet the containment unit that Colonel Sheppard had sent, in hopes that we would be able to remove the tumor in time. We made the hand-off successfully, and as the solider that John had sent turned to put the case that I had handed him into the containment device, I turned to go back into the OR, radioing that we had successfully made the transfer. It was at that moment that it exploded.
One thing that I appreciate about my death was that I felt no physical pain; the other is that there was at least one ancient left with a heart, who helped me to ascend. My body is dead, beyond repair; but she was able to save me, my mind, who I am; and now that I have reached this place, I can look down on my friends, and the aftermath of the destruction. Ach, it's killing me all over again to watch them suffer and be able to do nothing about it.
I'm sorry for Rodney, he's convinced it's his fault. Poor lad. Doesn't he know that if I had not been there someone else still would have died? But he is Rodney, he will never accept that there was not something that he could have done. He will drive himself crazy looking for a way that he could have changed things for the better.
I'm not sure what John or Ronon are feeling; they are both very closed, and even with the advantage of being ascended I cannot read their minds. But I think that they're feeling guilt for not paying attention; as if that would have stopped it.
Elizabeth seems to be taking this better than the rest; but then, being a leader, she has to be strong. I think that she accepts that there was nothing she could have done, even though she grieves the lives that we have lost.
And then there's Teyla. She seems to share Rodney's guilt; I think that she's convinced herself that it was her fault that I died; that if she hadn't been hurt, and I hadn't had to work on her too, then I would have gotten to the man with the tumor sooner, and maybe we all would have survived. Oh, the poor girl. If I had not been working on her, it would have been someone else. There was nothing that she could have done. I think that she knows this, too, however; if she were not wounded, I doubt that she would be so opened, letting heart show that way.
I'm glad that she did, though; I'm glad that both her and Rodney have. At the very least it is good to see that I did not die in vain. Now if I could only go down there, just for a few moments, and tell everyone that they were not at fault, I would finally be able to rest in peace. As it is, I can't do that right now; but I can watch over my friends. Just like someone keeps a constant eye on their team from afar, now so will I. It is the very least that I can do for them.
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A/N: Hm... I don't know if I did this right. I really wanted to do something from Carson's POV after "Sunday" (because I wanted to ascend him), but I'm not sure if I'm quite satisfied with this. Leave me a review, let me know what you think about all of this. ;)