A Quiet Awakening

By Lady of Spain

Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight.

Chapter 1: Remember Man That Thou Art Dust

My heart ran away from Edward that day—that snowy day at the top of the mountain. I must have been crazy to think I could actually become like him. Seeing Victoria's severed head laying in the snow shook me out of my dream world and back to reality. I made up my mind then and there to cling to my humanity until the day I died.

Edward was instantly alerted to the newborn battle. He couldn't hide the fact from me; my Jacob had been severely injured. We got there as his pack mates carried him away. I couldn't get to La Push fast enough.

I could hear Jacob's cries piercing the air before I was halfway down his street. Knowing that I was the cause of this unbearable torture made it even worse. Each scream reached into my soul tearing it apart piece by piece. Please, God, make his pain stop, I begged. I couldn't stand to hear him in torment any longer. He didn't deserve this—any of it.

I stopped the car in the driveway, and got out. Another agonized scream ripped through the night, filling my ears with his pain. As I ran toward the small red house, the loud cries were replaced by muffled whimpering. I reached the front step as Carlisle walked out the door. He acknowledged that Jacob would be all right. I rushed past him and raced into Jacob's room, cramming every inch of my body under his remaining good arm. He winced as the bed shook under the added weight.

"Oh God, Jake," I sobbed, "this is all my fault. I'm so sorry. What can I do? I can't bear to watch you suffer like this."

I sat up on one elbow and stroked his hair and face. Both were drenched in perspiration—that could only be caused by this unbearable torture.

His voice was barely above a whisper. "It's okay, Bells. The doc gave me some morphine so I'm feeling a little better. Right now, I'm more worried about you. I'll bet Edward was pretty upset, huh?"

I peered into his deep, dark eyes. "No . . . anyway, don't worry about me. He took it well. He's resigned to letting me go."

Jacob's body jerked in surprise. "Letting you go? Does this mean that you've chosen . . .?"

"Go ahead, you can say it. Yes—I guess deep down I've always known it. I'm in love with you, and I've chosen you, Jake."

"Well, damn, if I had known that a few broken bones would bring you to your senses, I would have done it long ago. C'mere girl!"

His left arm pulled my head in closer; our mouths were just inches apart. Our emotions were unbridled as our lips met in our second agreed upon kiss. Our tears flowed while our hearts overflowed with happiness.

I spent the night snuggled up next to Jacob. I didn't have the will to leave him there all alone.

In the morning, I heard him groan. "Bells?" I was in the kitchen making breakfast, so I answered, "Be there in a minute, Jake."

I went to his room and looked at the strange expression on his face. "Something's wrong, Bells. I can't breathe . . . Bells …"

I rushed to his side taking his hand in mine when suddenly his body relaxed. His eyes remained open; his pupils were dilated and vacant. He was so . . . still.

"Jake . . ." I shook his arm. He didn't respond. "Jake . . . Noooo! Don't do this . . . Jake!"

"Billy!" I shrieked. "Call Carlisle! Get the pack in here now! He's not breathing, Billy. We need help!"

I started CPR like I was trained in school. My god, his lips were still warm. The pack was there immediately. Paul and Jared took over for me, fighting for his life. Quil and Embry tried to pull me out of the room, but I struggled until they finally gave up. Carlisle showed up a few minutes later. I heard him speaking low to Billy. He said it was probably a blood clot that lodged in his lungs and there was nothing we could do. Jacob was gone. Paul and Jared continued pushing air into his lungs, and pounding on his chest, but his heart wouldn't beat any longer, not for Billy or for me, or for any of his friends.

An hour went by, and Embry sat beside me on the bed with his arms held tightly around my shoulders. I think I would have splintered into a million pieces if he hadn't been there to keep me together. Holding Jacob's hand, I continued to cry. I stared at his lifeless body until the mortuary came to get him.

The two men from the morgue pulled the bed sheet up around him, covering his head. "No!" I screamed. "Wait . . . please . . . let me see his face, just once more."

I gazed into those brown eyes with their little streaks of gold. I reached out and ruffled his soft black hair with my hand and ran my index finger over his full lips, knowing that I'd never get the opportunity to kiss them again. I hated myself for withholding my kisses from those lips . . . withholding my love from my sweet Jacob. He deserved so much more from this life. He deserved so much more from me. How could I have been so unfeeling and stingy? Jacob is—and will always be—the greatest regret of my life.

Embry pulled me back. He spoke quietly. "Come on Bella, they have a job to do. I'm sorry, but you know that he can't stay here anymore. Let them take him. Billy needs us now."

I felt sick as I watched the men drag his body into the hearse, like so many potatoes in a gunny sack. Embry had his arm around me, never letting me go.

I stayed in La Push for the next two days, going home only to shower and sleep. Charlie was beside himself. He had secret hopes that Jacob and I might get married someday. Jacob was like the son he never had, and I knew he was grieving just like I was.

The day of the funeral was really hard. It was concrete evidence that my Jacob had truly gone home to his maker. I peered into the casket before leaving, thinking, "That's not my Jacob . . . Where is that Jacob smile . . . His infectious laugh . . . That mischievous look in his eyes?" The answer was my Jacob wasn't here, he was entertaining spirits beyond the veil; he left the rest of us behind to mourn his loss. I stroked his cheek and rested my hand upon his heart, and whispered, "Goodbye . . . my Jacob . . . I'll never stop loving you . . . never."

I walked to First Beach alone and sat on our driftwood bench. The burial wouldn't begin for another two hours. I didn't know if I could make it through the day. I stared at the blue-gray ocean trying to picture a future without Jacob in it. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of stones clattering underfoot. I turned my head; it was Embry coming toward me.

"I knew I'd find you here, Bella. This spot was special to Jake. It was the place where you and Jake first talked after you returned to Forks. He would come here a lot and think about you. He really did love you—you know?"

Continuing to watch the waves as they rolled in, I commented, "I can hardly bear to hear that, Embry. Now it's too late. I knew how much he cared, but I didn't give him even a sliver of my love. I gave my heart to that cold one instead and threw Jake's love back in his face like it was a used Kleenex. I'm just glad I let him know how much he meant to me before he left us."

Crouching down by the bench, he spoke softly. "Don't beat yourself up over this, Bella. Jake wouldn't want that. He'd want you to be happy and go on with your life."

"But it was my fault that he died, Embry. Victoria was after me! Why did he have to go to that clearing? Why did he have to die? God, I'm going to miss him."

Embry sat down next to me. He hesitated and sighed loudly. "I'm really going to miss him too, Bella. You know that I was one of his best friends, right? But what you didn't know was that we were more than friends; we were like brothers."

His eyes brightened as he related fond memories of his best friend. "Years ago, the elders tried to keep the circumstances of my birth a big secret. I'm sure you've heard the story about my father. The story is that no one is sure who my father really was. There was even a rumor at one time that Billy was my dad. Jake and I weren't stupid. We figured out that it had to be Billy's estranged brother, David. He had an affair with my mom. Did you know that she was Sarah's younger sister?

"David never told my mom that he was married at the time. There was a big rift in the family; Billy and Sarah wanted nothing more to do with him. Jake and I never told anyone that we discovered the truth. That's why Jake and I look so much alike. That's why we were so close."

I looked intently at Embry. I scrutinized the lines of his face. He did have the same chiseled features. His brown eyes had a hint of olive green radiating out from his pupils and there were just a few flecks of gold. They still held the same intensity though, and they could light up whenever he grinned, just like my Jacob. His lips weren't quite as full, but they matched his quiet features well. Embry was about an inch shorter, and he had the same kind of build—just a slightly smaller frame.

He turned his eyes down then, kicking the stones with one of his feet. "I guess I won't be able to let you out of my sight now—you know all of the tribe's secrets. That makes you one of us."

"Thank you for telling me that Embry. I'll be staying in La Push. It's become a part of me—just like Jake will always be a part of me."

"Will you come back to the house with me? We'll be driving out to the cemetery soon."

I nodded as Embry extended his hand out to me. I took it with gratitude. His hand was warm, wrapped around my own. It wasn't quite as warm as Jacob's, but it still soothed the jagged wounds of my aching heart.

I rode with Charlie to the burial site. Embry and Quil were at my side in an instant, along with my dad. Embry literally held me upright as the workers lowered the casket into the waiting trench. I sobbed into his shoulder when they began covering Jacob with each shovelful of earth. That same woodsy scent emanated from Embry, nearly bringing me to my knees. I clung to him as the tears fell. Jacob . . . Will I ever be able to find someone like him to spend the rest of my life with?