Seeking to Protect Her Soul

disclaimer: i only wish i owned the cullens

epov

I felt a very human feeling at that moment as I paced outside... her house. My intestines felt as though they were being twisted into anxious bundles, ready to rip each other apart. How appropriate. I think, human feelings... here. The moon lay low in the sky, and I saw the reflection of it in her window. I imagined how she must look with the faint light cascading over her sleeping form. I tried to remember her delicious scent. I can only faintly smell it from here; and I must say, my memories didn't do it justice. Lingering on the thought of her pulse, venom coats my incisors.

God! Stay or go? Stay or go? My pacing reflected my thoughts as the gravel crunched lightly under my shoes.

I had been gone too long. Living day to day in my self inflicted hell. I thought I could handle being away from her forever, if that meant I could keep her safe and happy for as long as she lived. Selfish. Selfish. She was in LOVE with you! You pathetic excuse for a man! Always; this constant battle in my mind. What is right? Was right giving Bella what she wanted or needed? The lines blurred more and more every second I spent apart from her. Maybe she needed me? No, she could never need you. Your are something out of a horror film, not someone fit to make her happy, and definitely not fit to keep her safe. But I always doubted myself, on both sides of the argument.

I was still fighting my own inner monologues when I realized there was a reason for me coming here tonight. My actions, I knew, had manifested themselves through my actions. I needed her, and so what if I was selfish? She could choose to take me back or not. I was leaving it all up to her. God, I hope she takes me back.

Before I could stop myself, I leapt lithely to the sill of her window and prayed that it was open. Once it budged the first inch, I knew it was unlocked and I slipped quietly inside. Her scent hit me like a brick wall. She smelled so much better than I ever remembered- my instincts told me to kill, but I was confident that I wouldn't. Couldn't. I knew that in a back part of my brain somewhere I deluded myself into thinking she didn't lock the window in the hopes I would do something like this. She knew me too well... I knew it was stupid of me to think so, but I couldn't help imagining that her love for me still lingered.

I quickly sat in the rocking chair before allowing myself to look at her. I needed to brace myself, for I knew that the sight of her would be more over powering than her blood. I needed to keep a cool head in the event that she had moved on and found someone else. I could not let her see my grief, I would not mar this chance at a happy existence for her. Tonight I will give her what she asks of me. If it is to leave, I will. For good. And if she asks me to stay; she will never leave my sight.

I open my eyes, to finally gaze on my beloved. My one and only, my guiding star, my beacon, my Bella.

I audibly gasped. She was so... pale. Her eyes had dark circles under them, suggesting lack of sleep. And to prove it, she was tossing and turning ever so slightly; face scrunched in fear and pain. On top of that she was also terribly thin and when I inhaled more deeply, I could smell that she hadn't eaten in a while.

Dear God, what the hell did I do? This was not part of my plan. I was expecting... well, I didn't really know what to expect. But this wasn't it. I guess I expected a tear stained pillow and some angsty songs on her playlist, but i figured she would move on from me. That once she saw everything in a clear light she could say, "he was just a stupid vampire who tricked me". Better that she hated me than for her life to be in danger or her soul to be damned.

Her tossing became more pronounced and she started to mumble so quietly, that I couldn't make it out. So I got off the rocking chair and kneeled next to her bed that I had lain on so many times before: watching her sleep, as I was doing now. Except now I was worried and didn't even want to know if I wanted to know the things she would say in her sleep.

She thrashed about some more and now I could clearly hear what she said. Each word cutting me like hot knives.

"You don't love me, Edward?" she whimpered and a tear slid down her sallow cheek.

I knew she was dreaming about the last time she saw me and I wished to God that I could go back to that day and take away all of her pain.

"You do exist! You always will!" She almost yelled into the darkness, not knowing I was watching her. Not knowing how truly and deeply I loved her. I am the lowest thing in existence. This beautiful, warm, sweet, and innocent girl loved me and I betrayed her. Seeking to protect her soul, I had permanently damaged her heart.

"I love you" she sobbed. "come back", more tears, "please" , this last word hung in the air in a whisper and I knew what I had to do. Beg.

Here it goes. I let my hands ghost carefully across the blankets from my kneeling position. Once they reached her face, I carefully wiped away the salty stains from her soft cheeks. The contact sent electricity through my entire being making me shudder, it had been too long since i had touched her delicate skin. Frail and suffering or not; my Bella was the most beautiful thing in the world. I heard her heart accelerate and knew she had felt the shock from our contact as well. Her eyes slowly opened, coated with wetness that only enhanced the beauty of her deep chocolate eyes.

"Bella", I breathed, my hands still resting on her cheeks. Finally relieved to speak her name.

tell me if you guys want more. i sort of have an entire story plotted out, suggestions are much appreciated. thank you for reading.